Lesson #12 – We Don’t Know What The Hell We’re Doing

7 Sep

Let’s just go ahead and admit that tons of us have no friggin’ clue what we’re doing and the idea that some clear path exists  is just silly. It’s okay to hope, and it’s great to expect great things, but can we agree that most of us are winging it? And I don’t care what Mary and Joseph over on Facebook are trying to make you believe because they, too, have no idea what they’re doing (although they may be better at portraying themselves as amazingness and perfection).

From what I’ve noticed, people are constantly questioning kids/dogs/houses/careers/husbands/wives/identities/sexual orientations and where to go for certain things or who to ask about this or that and what to do when blah blah blee bloo blah. This is a wonderful thing, though, isn’t it? As it turns out, we’re all human for the most part and the answers aren’t always the same for all of us. What a relief.

And maybe some people don’t want you to know that. Maybe some people forgot about how they got to where they are and they will receive a reminder sooner or later. Regardless, we’re humans and new experiences rarely are executed with finesse and precision and that’s life.

Be grateful for your experiences–yup. Pay attention to opportunities and act on them–absolutely. Don’t be a jackass–duh. But if at some point or another you fail or have no idea what’s happening, just understand that it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. I know this because I’ve never known what the hell is going on…if that makes any sense. I still don’t know what I’m doing, and I suspect this will continue throughout life in one way or another. Life would be boring otherwise.

Personally, this has been one of my favorite, strangest lessons in life. It’s the reason I write. I once broke up with a guy during a major snowstorm, watched the Screech from Saved By The Bell porn, and then fell down an icy hill with a handle of vodka after calling a group of children a bunch of little shits. Yeah…I was lost and had no idea what I was doing. I once attended a wedding alone the day after my last boyfriend died and I managed to choke on steak, throw up AND accidentally moon a group of people when the wind blew up my dress….not exactly how I hoped to handle death.

But there is no clear path, is there?

This is life, people, and it’s stupid-beautiful, and it’s totally fine that we have no idea what the hell we’re doing.

Whew, that felt good.

Lesson #11 – Living Alone

4 Sep

Buying a house and living alone sounded scary, but I learned it’s empowering and actually a lot of fun. Once I figured out that just because I was alone didn’t mean I was lonely, a whole bunch of awesome things happened–I got to walk around in my underpants, dance in my underpants, cook in my underpants, sing in my underpants, talk to myself in my underpants, meditate in my underpants, write in my underpants, eat stuff without feeling judged (eh, usually clothed), research dumb things without distraction in my underpants and practice making funny faces in my underpants. It was great, and I could do all those things whenever I wanted.

Most importantly, being alone gave me time to think about what I really want in life. It took the focus off of making other people happy/working my schedule around others and gave me time to get to know myself. And guess what? I’m not half bad.

Not everyone needs time alone, but if like me, you find yourself always taking care of the feelings of others, have spent little to no time alone in life, or if you’re an empath, an extended period of time alone can truly teach you how to recharge your own batteries and just be you.

As a bonus, time alone also allows you to set your chest free from the unnatural boob zoo that is a bra. Aaah, such bliss…

There are also long-term benefits. For example, now that I live with my boyfriend, I have a better understanding of when I need time for La La things and what I need to do to take care of myself. It’s great, and healthy for our relationship, and I’m so happy to have spent time alone to make these discoveries!

Rum Row is Live!

3 Sep

La La:

This is so awesome–check out Andrew’s link and support Rum Row if you can!

Originally posted on Shut Up Dad:

It’s been a long time, and I’ve had my share of false starts. But Rum Row is finally done and ready to go! If you’ve seen any of my previous posts on the subject, you’ll know that this is a project that I’ve been working on for a while now. My first full length comic book, and I couldn’t be more happy to see how it turned out. Here’s some preview art by pin up artist John Broglia, with comic pages by Michele Bandini. Colors by Derek Dow.

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RR_03

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Elevator Pitch – Mixing elements of Jules Verne and The Untouchables, Rum Row is an aerial themed crime adventure comic.

If you’d like to check it out, or learn a little more about it. You can watch the video, and check out this link.

The project is 100% finished and ready to print. But we’re doing a Kickstarter to fund the printing and…

View original 41 more words

Lesson #10 – Lists About Love

29 Aug

Recently I learned that you people can’t get enough of reading lists. You love them. Like LOVE them, and you seem to love lists even more when they are about relationships/knowing if he or she is “the one” even though the majority of those lists say the exact same thing.

So here for you now, as my 10th post on my journey through 30 lessons I’ve learned before 30, I will list 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one. However, WordPress won’t allow me to number this post…so this is a list of 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one, but with letters of the alphabet.

All the dudes out there may want to take notes.

a. He wrote me a song and it sounds like a choir of  early 90s keyboards gone wild. And here are some of the lyrics: “You must be Harry Potter’s sister, cause the way you work that broom make a playa say mmm mmm MMMMM.” Win.

b. I’ve met my match. Just this morning he blew his nose with toilet paper and when he came downstairs,  little bits of paper were scattered throughout his mustache. For once I am not the only one embarrassing myself in weird ways all the time. This man is my equal.

c. He rids my house of unwelcome bugs and that’s great because I no longer have to pretend I just didn’t see them. This is a major step up for me.

d. He draws me neat pictures.

e. He loves me even when I post stuff like this:

onmyway

f. He drives me to work when I don’t feel well and he is, like, so strong. Muscles. Carrying all the heavy things.

g. He holds my arm when we walk across cobblestone streets instead of making fun of me and allowing me to look like a drunk baby giraffe.

h. He does great impressions (he told me to put that).

i. He makes me hot dogs and doesn’t judge me for wanting at least three.

j. HE’S HELLA CUTE.

Lesson #9 – Stop Believing.

27 Aug

Folks. Don’t believe every article, email and piece of advice on the interwebs. Check if it comes from a reliable source. Do your research before sharing. It’s actually quite easy.

Examples? There wasn’t a 160-foot squid found off the coast of California. Southwest is never giving away two tickets as long as you share it on Facebook. Not every blogger can give solid advice about dating that applies to your specific situation. Not every list claiming to know a random number of awful things “all guys do” actually represents all guys. You will never find out from an email that you have cancer. Little Mikey of LIFE cereal fame didn’t die from explosive effects of mixing Pop Rocks with soda. Need I go on?

There is, however, a town in Austria called “Fucking.” So that’s funny.

I learned the “don’t believe everything you read” lesson when someone once shared a photo and “fact” claiming that the ocean is salty because male blue whales produce 400 gallons of sperm and only 10% is used for baby making purposes, meaning we swim in the salty rest of it. I was horrified to read this and believed it for the better part of an hour. I know. Almost a full hour. There were a few drinks in my system, okay? Jeeze.

Have you ever believed something not true that has been distributed on the internet? A scam? Satire? Photoshoppery? Some ridiculous media thing that was just trying to get page views to make money? Sure you have. Tell me about it.

Lesson #8 – We All Start Out As A Potamus

21 Aug

We all start out as an awkward little Potamus. Well, those of us who are willing to admit it, anyway. What’s a Potamus? This guy:

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And he’s hella funny because he’s just an awkward baby guy. He will bloom, though. Maybe one day we will see where his head ends and the rest of his body begins. Whatevs, that’s part of the process for all of us, isn’t it? In different ways. You know what I mean. Maybe not different for some of us, I suppose. All I know is that most of us start as something awkward which can later be seen as a little laughable. And I like that…it adds character. Feel free to share your example!

Lesson #7 – Water Is Magical

21 Aug

I have learned to have so much respect for water (it’s essential for life, after all).

Water is great for the skin and heart and often when I’m feeling cranky, it’s simply because I need a drink (…of water). And when I’m having too much fun and I drink too many alcoholic beverages, what do I need the next morning? Water (not applicable when visiting Mexico). What washes us? Water. What puts out most fires? Water. Where do cute seals hang out? Water. When I was 19, what clear liquid did I pretend to be drinking when it was actually vodka and then I threw up everywhere? Water.

Water also rejuvenates the senses and calms my overly thoughtful mind. It provides delicious food, too, and from what I’m seeing at this very moment, my dude looks pretty cute when he’s splashing around in it. So thanks for being magical, water.

 

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P.S. – Water can be very destructive, so don’t be a dick to it and hopefully it won’t be a dick to you.

Lessons #4, #5 and #6 – Boogers, Pepper Tooth and Best Friends

14 Aug

Lesson #4 – You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose (…courtesy of my boyfriend and dads everywhere).

Lesson #5 – Best friends don’t let best friends walk around with pepper tooth (when food, usually a spice of sorts, has decided to hang out along the gum line or is lodged between two very visible teeth).

It is a known fact that all people with teeth, possibly some unknowingly, have suffered from pepper tooth. This leads to embarrassment. That’s where best pals come in because the people who love you will mention it. And you know what? One might even let you pick his or her nose if you want. That thought kind of reminds me of one time in high school when my friend and I tried to synchronize our menstrual cycles and we read that to do so, I would have to smell her perspiring armpit. I was disgusted, but figured it would be worth it afterward because we could sit around and eat ice cream together while watching sad movies. Kind of like this–

 

what

 

–except our boobs were less pointy. Anyway, one afternoon after our field hockey game, I smelled her armpit and it was gross and nothing ever even came of it. Ten years later, I read an article indicating that attempts to replicate the original study have been inconsistent and evidence doesn’t support the menstrual synchronization possibility.

So, don’t try to pick a friend’s nose (says my boyfriend) and don’t smell another person’s armpit.

Lesson #6 – Stay in touch with your best friends because they will tell you when you have pepper tooth. They’re great for other reasons too, but that’s just my example. It isn’t always easy to stay in touch now that everyone is getting married and having babies, but best friends are worth it, and time spent apart nearly seems nonexistent when you get back together again. How great is that?

Nanu Nanu

11 Aug

The inner kid in all of us learned some truly shitty news this afternoon about Robin Williams.

Despite the sadness, I have to say that watching the reaction on Twitter and Facebook this evening may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen happen on social media. It is clear that Robin Williams brought genuine joy and laughter into all of our lives.

Celebrities pass and we acknowledge this, but I think it was extra difficult today (for me, anyway). I’ll always remember how good he made me feel and how much I enjoyed his movies and silly voices and how fun it was watching Mork and Mindy on Nick at Nite when I was allowed to stay up while on summer vacation.

It’s difficult to learn someone so funny, who brought us all such happy memories, was suffering.

Lesson #3…we are all in this together. I was reminded of this tonight and want to thank everyone for the pictures and memories they shared about him, his life and the impact he had. Have a good night, my friends.

 

1IXGXMv

 

 

 

Lesson #2 – Just Because Jeff Goldblum Didn’t Write You Back…

6 Aug

 

 

Just because Jeff Goldblum didn’t write you back when you were 11 years old, doesn’t mean you aren’t a goddamn superstar. Maybe he had a good reason, like you being too young at the time, for example. Perhaps 31 years too young, even. Maybe he was busy and didn’t care that you sat in your basement watching Jurassic Park on repeat for days and were mega in love with him. And how could you not have been?

 

umyum

 

Look at that exquisite chest. I understand if you can’t read any further. You’re happy now. Your life is complete. I get it.

And you know, who even cares that he recently got engaged to a woman who happens to be 30 years younger than he is…and a gymnast? Who cares if there’s a photo of her showing off her impressive flexibility with a split-style leap, much to Jeff’s delight?

If I were you, I wouldn’t care, because it doesn’t mean you’re less awesome. It doesn’t you aren’t a goddamn superstar. It doesn’t mean you won’t find a great love in your late twenties who, oddly enough, brought up on his own that he admired Jeff Goldblum’s chest, too.

So, really, the lesson here is that you don’t have to feel bad when people turn you down. You don’t have to feel bad when others are ahead of you in life, work and love.  Don’t feel  inadequate when the job hunt is slow, or you keep getting dumped again and again. Your time is coming, whether or not Jeff Goldblum appreciated your love letter written on pink, sparkly stationary.

Hang in there, my friend. Hang in there. Your time is coming and you, too, will bloom just as beautifully as the rest of the roses. I’m drunk. I love Jeff Goldblum.

 

Click here for Lesson #1

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