Monkeying Around

27 Jun

Guys, I haven’t been around, but it’s for good reasons. I’ve been writing a book, for example, and holding a monkey:

 

lisa

 

This is Lisa and I love her. So I’ve been busy in a good way, ya know? This also means I have only been by a few of your sites to read the stuff I enjoy. I’ll be back soon and I swear I’ll be visiting more often. Love you and miss you! Enjoy your weekend!

Wonder Woman

23 May

This was a challenging week for one brave woman who faced 7 full days of incalculable perils. Most notably, she drove for 6 hours to attend a bachelorette party and managed not to punch any rude, grabby dudes at the bar. On another quest, she sat through a three-hour graduation without checking her phone and believe it or not, watched back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of River Monsters and Dual Survival on the same day without complaining. Oh, and also that show about bush people in Alaska. Whether that one guy has a speech impediment or an accent, we’ll never know for sure.

This very same woman juggled 3 different jobs, wrote poetry for an upcoming project and suffered through 6 hours total of exercising with Jillian Michaels without cussing once, which should go on some kind of record.

Fortunately, the week’s obstacles came to a close today (hopefully) after she was forced to listen to her boss give a 45-minute description of the menstrual cycle of female macaques. There’s a lot of swelling and yelling that happens, in case you were wondering. The images from that description will likely haunt our valiant heroine for the rest of her life.

I, of course, am this woman. Please take a moment to admire me for my brave deeds and noble qualities.

Now I am off to begin a new adventure in Honduras and Mexico where I will continue to fight on behalf of you all for justice, love, peace, sexual equality, a beautiful tan, alcoholic drinks served in pineapples and free hot dogs.

Have a lovely week!

 

wonderwoman-1

Running on

9 May

 

He loved Jackson Browne. His favorite line from “Running on Empty” was “I don’t know when that road turned onto the road I’m on.”

“Someday you’ll see how it’s weird,” he explained to me, “to look back and remember what was and how it all suddenly became what is, although you’re not sure when it happened.”

It seemed like we heard that song everywhere. We heard it at the bar on our first date, months later on the way to the beach, at our first baseball game together and almost every Saturday at the grocery store.

I also heard it on the morning of his funeral, which I thought was some kind of cruel joke. And the next day. And two years later, it’s still everywhere.

I can hear the way he sang that one line under his breath and it haunts me, but not necessarily in a bad way. It’s one of my reminders. It’s just one of those things reminding me to live and make this all worthwhile, even if I have trouble listening to more than 30 seconds of it.

That 30 seconds is enough, and just as I feel the tears welling up, I turn the station and take a deep breath.

Hug people today, folks. Hard, and often.

Sunrise

7 May

Sunrise-New-York

 

It sneaks in, pouring like warm honey
through the cracks of
my window shade.

The city streets stretch–
and slowly liven as
icy dew forms
upon my soul,

for I too must rise
and shine for another day of
absolute horseshit at literally the most

Mundane.
Job.
Ever.

Fine, sunrise,
you relentless nag.
I’m up,

but I swear I’ll quit today
if that bubbly,
know-it-all bitch, Denise,
doesn’t stop squawking about her wedding.

Exciting Month

3 May

This is an exciting month. I’m running away to a private island off the coast of Honduras. Well, I’ll try, anyway. If they don’t want me to extend my stay, I’ll make my way to El Salvador. There are children in a village there I want to revisit. Or maybe you’ll find me in Mexico, instead, or Miami or Key West.

Before I do any of that though, I’ll be at the beach for a bachelorette party and back home for a graduation, anniversary party and a wedding.

Like I said, this an exciting month.

I’ll admit that secretly I had hoped all these celebrations, far off places and beautiful people would distract my mind from what happened, and what’s coming, but running away never works the way we intend it to though, does it?

It doesn’t matter where you go, you can’t escape people who never really leave when they’re gone. So instead, I’ll take the time to stop and remember. I’ll embrace it, and feel it. I’ll take time for silence, and to say thank you.

Then with my head held high (hopefully), I’ll continue down the path I’m on in this one wild and precious life.

Captured

23 Apr

I want to frame your kisses,
write them down, keep them in deep pockets
and tightened in jars.

Much like a starlit sky,
warm summer sand
or the wowest we’ve ever felt (x infinity),

if only I could keep them (these magic moments),

I’d never have to wish for them ever,
not even once,
ever again.

National Pet Day!

11 Apr

April 11 is National Pet Day (apparently)! Don’t worry, I’m not here to make you feel sad about unadopted animals. I just want to talk about my cutest dog pup face littlest guy ever–except he’s an extra large, 3-year-old Flat-Coated Retrieverish Mix.

 

petday

 

His name is Porter, but he also goes by the nicknames Portman, Portmand, Oregon, P-Money and Cutest Fluff Guy (which I say in a high-pitched voice as I squeeze him so hard that his eyes pop out of his cutest fluff face).

His interests include rolling in bunny poo, chasing his tail and catching frisbees (he can catch like 12 in a row, I don’t know how he does it). He may be playful, but he is also a fancy, scholarly gentleman with a bombass princely tail that flows in the wind.

 

47133_10100613651878695_1701614046_n

Good day, kind sir.

 

The day I got him at the SPCA was the best day ever. Porter was in the back of his cage in a little squeaky hammock and was said to be lethargic and unsociable. When I took him out, he was stinky and pieces of hay were sticking out of his fur, but we immediately clicked. Two days after having him home, I was reading through his paperwork and found that he was a total slug because they forgot to give him pain medication after having surgery a few days prior. Poor guy. Once he got his medication, he was great!

So that’s all I have to say, really. I love him. Go hug your pets and have a lovely weekend!

 

Oh, Hello, I’m Drunk

2 Apr

Oh hi, everyone. I’m drunky at the bar on a Wednesday watching baseball. Whatevs. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Lots of balls up in baseball. Long ball. Curve ball. Balls in general.

2. This bar is a sausage fest. Mmmm, sausage. No, but seriously. Lots of dudes.

3. Just had a shot of tequila. It’s gross, but I pulled it off as a sassy shimmy.

4. Yay sports!

5. My boyfriend just said “if I came back and there was caviar here, I wouldn’t be mad.” So he’s maybe wasted (don’t worry, MADD, we’re walking home).

6. I just showed this to him and he said he didn’t say it and now he’s talking about Seinfeld while I’m typing.

7. Now he’s singing Lady Gaga.

8. I just played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on the jukebox. Gonna play it again soon.

9. Can’t wait to go to the beach and swim with exotic animals and run away in the Honduran jungle and become their island princess queen.

10. Seriously. It will be so romantic and my dude will hold me like in those romancey novel covers and then I am going to hold a monkey and swim with jaguars and ride a horse down the beach with wind in my hair and you are all gonna be jeeeeelous.

11. Sean just told me to say Michael Jordan playing for the White Sox was amazing and ’90s Ken Griffey Jr. was also neat.

12. The bartender just made fun of the way I say “huh?” and my response was to make my monkey face and now they’re talking about the monkey face. I’m leaving. Bye. I love you guys. So much.

13. PS – Sean just said “the last time I saw 3 balls and 2 strikes, I was at a circus.” (K, bud.)

14. He told me to add “circus in Tijuana” but I don’t feel like editing.

15. He’s lucky he’s cute. :)

16. Him: Baby wants mozzarellas?
Me: Sure.
Him: You are my Sicilian baby queen.
Me: (900 million smiles for infinity miles and stuff)

A Trip To David’s Bridal

2 Apr

Wedding season is quickly approaching and on Monday I finally had to suck it up and go to David’s Bridal to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. This was my first trip to a bridal store of any kind, and this one happens to be in an iffy neighborhood, so I was basically having an anxiety attack about it, especially because of the feedback I got from Yelp reviews:

“It was obnoxious seeing trashy girls in neon yellow dresses parading all over the place with midriffs and cleavage hanging out. Especially in the location of Maryland this David’s is located.”

and:

“I didn’t appreciate the tiny dressing rooms or the communal area for brides to show their dresses to friends/family. Why? Because I didn’t appreciate the screaming kids or the creepy dads/fiancés/other males staring at me and commenting like I was a piece of meat, all the while they were there to support someone else. I felt so gross!”

 

My personal trip to David’s Bridal, however, was a godsend. We were in and out of the store within 18 minutes, there were zero screaming children, no creepers, and the dress was on sale and fit perfectly. It was astounding, really. Only a true bridesmaid ninja could pull that kind of thing off.

Relieved about the ease of the trip, we exited the parking lot and gaily rolled up to a red light. I began telling my mom a story about my ridiculous boss when suddenly she squinted and cut me off–”Wait, is that a dancing nun?” she asked.

I looked over and sure enough, a nun was dancing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. We were so in awe that neither of us could blink or utter a single word. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see a nun jamming out on the corner at 4:45 pm on a Monday (or ever) and I swear to you that not even the hand of God could have stopped her groove.

Then a miraculous thing happened right when the light turned green–the nun whipped around and startled us with an unexpected, prominent five o’clock shadow.

Our jaws dropped in unison before my mom yelled “Heavens! A transvestite nun!? A drag queen!”

I was howling.

As we drove off, I peered in the side view mirror just in time to see Sister Mary Fabulous working it across the street like she owned everything within a 20 mile radius. “Bless her,” I thought to myself, “I wish I could have that kind of confidence.”

I guess that might seem like an odd thing to think about a guy dressed as a nun. Was this prostitution? Is Monday a good day for a drag show? Was it just a crazy guy?

These are questions that will never be answered. Trust me, though, if you saw that strut you would have prayed for some of Sister Mister’s confidence, too.

 

nunnery
 

Once again, thank you to Jon from Pastrami Basket for a surprisingly accurate interpretation!

Stupid Ricky

25 Mar

So, you guys remember my nemesis, Ricky, right? The guy I work with? You know, the guy who didn’t laugh at my Steely Dan joke about losing my number because apparently “he didn’t know the song” and, subsequently, lost my number?

Well, I don’t know how many more nights I could lie awake wondering if Ricky actually lost my office number, if he truly didn’t know the song or if he was just being a dick.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever learn the truth.

However, during another meeting a few days ago, as I stared at Ricky to see if I could catch a glimpse of the dark soul that surely exists underneath his hair gel and professional business person façade, he randomly turned and winked at me. It was then that I realized the truth about Ricky–he didn’t lose my number. He sucks and he just wanted me to feel dumb. Douche.

Well, whatever, Ricky. Your potent hair gel leaves a smell in the elevator long after you’re gone and sometimes there’s a booger almost falling out of your nose and I hate you and you’ll pay for this.

 

ricky

Ricky, burning my number

 

Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Pastramiversary to Jon, the unique cartoon/photo artist over at http://www.pastramibasket.wordpress.com who provided his Ricky interpretation. Thanks, dude!

You can also find Pastrami Basket on Facebook and it’s awesome, so you should go to there.

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