Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

59 Responses to “Dear Vodka”

  1. Kyle April 16, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

    Reblogged this on kylemew.com and commented:

    funny, sweet, clever and just plain brilliant

    Like

  2. Kyle April 16, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    this is so clever and funny, love the opening and closing lines in particular, love the whole concept – reblogged – thank you

    Like

    • La La April 17, 2012 at 12:09 am #

      Wow, thank you, Kyle. I’m flattered.

      Like

  3. pivoine68 April 16, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    An all too familiar story….I loved it like a family member only more because I really know it, although I have not yet eaten a dog treat. (as far as I am aware of!) Adieu vodka, gin, white wine…..

    Bisous,
    Dawn

    Like

  4. paulaacton April 16, 2012 at 3:40 pm #

    love it I wanted to share but fartbook is being an arse and not playing so will have to resort to old fashioned copy and paste link. thankyou Kyle for reblogging

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 3:43 pm #

      Aw thank you, you’re very kind!

      Like

  5. iamacallboy April 16, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

    Damn those Russians and their ability to create the most amazing alcohol ever. Sadly, I’ve become a victim of the love/hate relationship of vodka. It has used me, abused me and never called back after a night of fun. Instead I’m left with an irritating migraine that makes me want to feed my head through a paper shredder. Still, I could never give up vodka. Its the only alcohol I can literally drink anything with or drink straight from the bottle like a baby on a mother’s tit. Good luck on cutting cold turkey. You’re a classy girl indeed.

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

      Thank you. I’ll be back, I’m sure. You should sell a glittery vodka. It could be poured on people. They would like that. Or maybe that’s just me.

      Like

      • iamacallboy April 16, 2012 at 9:18 pm #

        Rainbow Glitter Vodka. The gays will praise us, and we’ll be filthy dirty rich. Gaga and Ke$ha will promote it in their music. We’ll RULE THE WORLD!

        Like

  6. Carolina Courtland April 16, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    Hilarious! I should have written a dead Jack (Daniels) letter.

    Like

  7. snarkysnatch April 16, 2012 at 3:52 pm #

    NOOO! You can’t break up with Vod. Why he has been the best boyfriend I ever had. He is where I leave him. He doesn’t screw women on my red velvet couch. He is there where I want him so I don’t have to talk to his voicemail. He matches every outfit I wear. He is cheaper than most guys I dated. He always makes me feel better. He gives me liquid courage to call out the Jackbags that treat me like Shait. Maybe you just need to switch brands?

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

      I will drink it when we perform, obviously. And maybe every day before and after that.

      Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 6:07 pm #

      PS – I have a red couch, too. I appreciate the lack of stains he leaves. WINK.

      Like

  8. becca3416 April 16, 2012 at 4:00 pm #

    I am a whiskey girl… but same deal. I’ve given my number to worse. *shame*

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 4:28 pm #

      Whiskey! Well done. I’d love to hear some of those stories.

      Like

  9. Random April 16, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    Breaking up is hard to do, but it sounds like you made the right decision. For now, at least.

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 6:08 pm #

      Haha for now, indeed. Thanks for stopping by!

      Like

  10. Maggie O'C April 16, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

    You are so funny! I love you!
    umm… no I just mean
    don’t avoid looking at me now
    I read this and I thought that
    I don’t LOVE love you
    I just meant..
    well, you are me 20 years ago and I was a complete idiot but idiots have the best stories!
    I’m hooked!

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

      I love you, too. I have so many questions for you, me 20 years from now. So many.

      Like

      • Maggie O'C April 16, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

        uh yeah, we have some talking to do. Just fyi, your drinking behavior doesn’t improve much in the next 20 years

        Like

        • La La April 17, 2012 at 12:11 am #

          Hahaha, crap. Well, hopefully I can at least find a nice man to appreciate it.

          Like

  11. Bird April 16, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    I am completely in love with Vodka. I have tried and tried to break up with him, but he makes me feel so complete…brave, beautiful, exciting…and yet, when he is puked out of my system, I abhor myself….

    I love this!! Good article!!

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

      Thank you, Bird! Sounds like we would have a good night out.

      Like

      • Bird April 16, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

        You know we would!!! I just love to go out with Vodka’s other women!! :-) Wished you were here!

        Like

  12. Jim Clark April 16, 2012 at 4:30 pm #

    PB&J vodka?? (mmph!) So, based on this entry, I’m assuming you would not be too inclined to know how my oatmeal infused vodka turns out that I pulled from Boozed & Infused the other day LINKED HERE—-> http://bit.ly/HyUBp2.

    What I’m a little curious about is what your phone’s photo bucket showed of the night. Worse or better than you don’t remember?

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

      I am curious…I’d probably give it a sip. Sips are allowed.

      Like

  13. crubin April 16, 2012 at 4:35 pm #

    Seems like a smart move. And not a minute too soon. Otherwise you might wake up and find “and pain” tattooed on your neck, thereby making you and Mr. Pleasure a match set.

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 6:03 pm #

      Oh my god, Carrie, you’re right. I would spend the rest of my life in turtlenecks.

      Like

  14. 1stjoeyanna April 16, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    Loved it:)

    Like

  15. jennigreenmiller April 16, 2012 at 5:47 pm #

    Oh vodka… found hiding, straight in jelly jars, in housewives cupboards across the nation.

    Like

  16. RFL April 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    This is so funny! I think I spent most of my twenties in this very same relationship. Well done :)

    Like

    • La La April 17, 2012 at 12:02 am #

      Oh thank god…there’s hope! You’re the best.

      Like

  17. kelsgonebush April 16, 2012 at 8:15 pm #

    I think i need to break up with red wine ;) Loved this

    xx Kel

    Like

  18. Kourtney Heintz April 16, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    La la, this is the best breakup letter ever. I had to part ways with Vodka too. However, I find Rum to be a much better friend to me than Vodka ever was. Maybe it’s the Tropical versus the Siberian? :)

    Like

    • La La April 16, 2012 at 11:36 pm #

      Haha, you make a fine point! It’s 80 degrees at 11:30…something tropical sounds nice right about now.

      Like

  19. jeandayfriday April 17, 2012 at 10:57 am #

    I have been there – but more with tequila or Long Island Iced tea. I just hope the dog treat wasn’t a Beggin’ Strip! ;)

    Like

  20. The Hook April 17, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Break-ups are hard….
    And by the way, what kind of rat bastard would ever break up with YOU? And a week before Christmas?
    Was he blind as well as stupid and impotent?

    Like

    • La La April 17, 2012 at 2:13 pm #

      Why thank you, darling. The one before him was, too. I must have a thing for blind, stupid, impotent men.

      Like

  21. Pigeon Heart April 17, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    yeah riiiiight. you’ll be back. x sex. you and your empty promises.

    Like

    • Pigeon Heart April 17, 2012 at 3:39 pm #

      btw I might be writing an attempt or warning to whiskey bc of your juicy inspirings.

      Like

      • La La April 17, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

        ugh you’re right. you should write it!! i’m serious. whiskey is my fightin’ drink.

        Like

        • Pigeon Heart April 17, 2012 at 4:16 pm #

          we’ll see what transpires this weekend… (; might have to smack a bitch.

          Like

  22. junelikethemonth April 17, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    Well now, I just absolutely loved this piece…and empathize completely (my partner in crime,however, is a smooth talker named johnny walker)…
    Looking forward to reading more of your stuff…

    Like

  23. Bird April 17, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

    http://birdmartin.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/ive-been-nominated-for-the-versatile-blogger-award-green-this-time/

    I nominated you for this cute little award. I hope you play…I think the world really needs to read your Vodka love story!!

    Like

  24. ladymiryaa April 17, 2012 at 7:16 pm #

    I, too, broke up with vodka but found another lover in Captain….sigh. He makes me do even stupider things but is always there for me. So is my friend wine…hey. i sense a pattern here.

    Like

    • La La April 18, 2012 at 10:09 am #

      Captain makes me forget things. Wine makes me horny and I get beer tears…perhaps I also sense a pattern ;-)

      Like

  25. laurapalukaitis April 21, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    I know it’s just been a few days since the breakup, but have you stayed strong or have you run back to good ol’ vodka? I know I am a huge liar when I say, “Oh, I’m not going to drink (fill in the blank) ever again…”

    Like

    • La La April 21, 2012 at 11:22 pm #

      Funny you should ask…..haha. having some right now.

      Like

      • Lau April 22, 2012 at 1:49 am #

        If I could “like” that I would!

        Like

  26. Simon April 30, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    This is a noble attempt at preempting the “Dear John Letter” from your liver. The problem though is once you dump vodka, all of vodka’s friends start hitting on you. After a few months of playing the field you realize that mixing all of this strange may be worse than the monogamy that almost ruined you. (not that I know from personal experience or anything) Great post!

    Like

    • La La April 30, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

      You are so right. I wish you had commented on this the day I wrote it. It would have saved me some trouble!

      Like

      • Simon April 30, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

        hindsight is 20-20-20-20 (that is like seeing double right?)

        Like

  27. Maggie O'C May 31, 2012 at 9:26 am #

    Reblogged this on Someone Fat Happened and commented:
    While I am away, please read one of my favorite posts by one of my favorite bloggettes! Thanks LaLa, even though you didn’t know I was doing this. xo

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

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    [...] you can see, Vodka and I are back together again after our rough breakup. I lasted 1 week. I didn’t want to be in the photos, but Vodka (and Sangria) insisted. [...]

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  2. Teaching the Blogging Game | Dear Judy…Letters to Tanzania - August 27, 2014

    […] Tales of a Charm City Chick – Ah, LaLa! Judy, LaLa is us 20 years ago, although she seems to have found a wonderful guy in the form of Sean, so she has taken it down a peg just in time for 30 to happen. I think and I’m wrong Lauren just chock it up to old age and my faltering memory. Jude, we could still drink with this chick. The link is to my favorite post of hers Ever but there is plenty of good stuff to read at her place. […]

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