Dear Justin Bieber

23 Apr

Dear Justin Bieber,

Let me stop you right there, little fella. While you were whispering to me via radio waves on my ride into work this morning, I realized that I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, so please, stop bothering me about it.

Why?

1. Well, for starters, I don’t want to chill with you “by a fire while we eatin’ fondue.” What, all that money in your hands that you’d really like to blow and we’re just going to chill by a fire and eat fondue? That’s utter crap.

2. Really? You “can” be a gentleman? How talented and noble of you.

3. You seem to be missing body hair. Unacceptable.

4. I don’t want to spend the next 5 months teaching you how to kiss. Tedious.

5. I definitely don’t want to spend the next year teaching you how to use your meek little penis.

6. Sometimes I have to squint when I look at your bright-ass clothes. I don’t want to have to squint when I look at my boyfriend.

 

If you were my boyfriend, your neon clothes would give me migraines.

 

7. Sometimes you look like a pretty young lady. I don’t date young ladies. Or any ladies.

8. You have the seagull outline tattoo. I get the Jonathan Livingston Seagull reference and I’m sure people  praise you for it, but will never read it themselves. Seagulls also steal french fries and poop on people. Just saying.

9. “So say hello to falsetto in three, two” is not something I want to hear in the bedroom. You would probably say that in the bedroom.

10. Who do you think you are, the Ying Yang Twins? You don’t know what half of that song even means, so stop whispering at me and find someone your own age.

Sincerely,

Lauren Ann

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32 Responses to “Dear Justin Bieber”

  1. savanahprose April 23, 2012 at 9:21 pm #

    Bahaha! I keep noticing different lyrics everytime I hear this song. For instance, “I could be your Buzz Lightyear, fly across the globe”. Such random lyrics. :)

    Like

    • La La April 23, 2012 at 9:33 pm #

      Hadn’t noticed that one yet, haha. Hilarious!

      Like

  2. terry1954 April 23, 2012 at 9:26 pm #

    that was awesome!

    Like

  3. crubin April 23, 2012 at 9:37 pm #

    I’m impressed you’ve even listened to the whole song. As soon as that little boy comes on my radio, that channel is changed. :)

    Great piece!

    Like

    • La La April 23, 2012 at 11:26 pm #

      I just leave it on so I can shake my head and judge him. That’s the only reason it stays on. Swear!

      Like

  4. Kyle April 23, 2012 at 9:56 pm #

    i wish i’d thought of this

    Like

    • La La April 23, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

      you’ve come up with better :-)

      Like

  5. Maggie O'C April 23, 2012 at 10:34 pm #

    It has been a very Justin Bieber day on WordPress. Well done as always!

    Like

    • La La April 23, 2012 at 11:23 pm #

      He really did win today. We’ll get you next time, Bieber.

      Like

  6. Princess Laila April 24, 2012 at 2:40 am #

    Thank god someone has finally put him in his place ;)

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 9:53 am #

      Weeell, at least I tried.

      Like

  7. ladymiryaa April 24, 2012 at 3:54 am #

    He really does think he is the shit doesn’t he? Well, JB…shit stinks my friend

    Like

  8. kelsgonebush April 24, 2012 at 4:13 am #

    I cant stand this guy at all , well done for taking him down ten pegs !! He reminds me of this chick who we have over here Nikki Webster . When she was twelve she was singing a song that went – I kid you not – “I ve been missin your strawberry kisses oooh baby” .. WTF is a strawberry kiss ? And why is she missing them at twelve ? Shouldn’t she of been I don’t know , finishing primary (elementary) school ?? Beiber is a bit the same .. like hello your 17 you know shit about shit , do your hair like a normal person and get your ass back to high school !! Xx Kel

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 11:26 am #

      Exactly. Not sure about this Nikki, perhaps that kid wears strawberry chapstick…she shouldn’t miss his kisses regardless ;-)

      Like

  9. jeandayfriday April 24, 2012 at 8:24 am #

    You are hilarious! The neon clothes get me – why in the world does he wear those? Who/what is he trying to channel? The 80s? ;)

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 9:55 am #

      He’s trying to channel an 80’s dance party, which is something I would probably attend.

      Like

      • jeandayfriday April 24, 2012 at 10:48 am #

        I may attend an 80s dance party as well, but with 80s music! ;)

        Like

  10. makewayforlindaj April 24, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    That was hysterical! I think 3 & 4 are my personal favs. I’m glad my daughter didn’t get a hold of this blog entry though… she probably would have thrown my iMac across the room in a Belieber rage :)

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 9:27 am #

      I’m afraid bielibers are going to hunt me. If she does find me, just say that’s one less girl to worry about stealing him :-)

      Like

  11. The Hook April 24, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    “I definitely don’t want to spend the next year teaching you how to use your meek little penis.”
    HILARIOUS!
    Seriously, you rock! Why wasn’t this Freshly Pressed?

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 2:46 pm #

      perhaps because it’s ridiculous ;-)

      Like

  12. Pigeon Heart April 24, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    wait- you listen to the radio while riding to work? Driving or riding? I don’t even know how I would listen if I wanted to on my bike. How big is your walkman??

    Like

    • La La April 24, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      Haha driving, I drive. Not sure why I said ride. How big is my walkman? Are you hitting on me?

      Like

  13. bowzerscastle April 27, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    LOL. i agree with all of these statements. but i am kind of digging the song, and i hate that.

    Like

  14. Kourtney Heintz April 29, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

    Thank you. :) Totally agree with each of your points. And second them. #9 might be my favorite. ;)

    Like

    • La La April 30, 2012 at 10:15 am #

      ha, thanks! I write letters to things or celebrities when I am in a bad mood.

      Like

  15. Kathy V. May 2, 2012 at 12:23 pm #

    Bwahahahaha! Love it! I can pretty much boil down my reasons for not wanting to date the Beibs to one: I do not date people who are prettier than I am. And that is all.

    Like

    • La La May 2, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      Fair enough. He is far too lovely.

      Like

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