Dear Justin Bieber,
Let me stop you right there, little fella. While you were whispering to me via radio waves on my ride into work this morning, I realized that I don’t want you to be my boyfriend, so please, stop bothering me about it.
1. Well, for starters, I don’t want to chill with you “by a fire while we eatin’ fondue.” What, all that money in your hands that you’d really like to blow and we’re just going to chill by a fire and eat fondue? That’s utter crap.
2. Really? You “can” be a gentleman? How talented and noble of you.
3. You seem to be missing body hair. Unacceptable.
4. I don’t want to spend the next 5 months teaching you how to kiss. Tedious.
5. I definitely don’t want to spend the next year teaching you how to use your meek little penis.
6. Sometimes I have to squint when I look at your bright-ass clothes. I don’t want to have to squint when I look at my boyfriend.
7. Sometimes you look like a pretty young lady. I don’t date young ladies. Or any ladies.
8. You have the seagull outline tattoo. I get the Jonathan Livingston Seagull reference and I’m sure people praise you for it, but will never read it themselves. Seagulls also steal french fries and poop on people. Just saying.
9. “So say hello to falsetto in three, two” is not something I want to hear in the bedroom. You would probably say that in the bedroom.
10. Who do you think you are, the Ying Yang Twins? You don’t know what half of that song even means, so stop whispering at me and find someone your own age.