My Male Order Husband

7 May

See what I did there? Fun.

Since searching for true love feels like being hit by a train, I’ve decided to just go ahead and order a husband. I did some research and found some real gems. It was hard, but I have narrowed it down to these 3 dreamy guys:

Boris (left), Gntlbeast and Vladimir (right)

They all seem great and as you can see, each candidate has chosen his best photo, making this a difficult choice. Based on the photo alone, Gntlbeast is a no-brainer. He is gentle and he likes unicorns. What’s not to love? He has a mustache, too–bonus. Now I shall present their website descriptions. Which would you choose? Any feedback will be appreciated. This is my future husband, after all. Husbands from Ukraine don’t come cheap, folks.

Boris

I am a well-wishing man from Ukraine. I love art, intellectual dialogues, going to the nature. I write pictures and sell my works. I love cats, corresponding. I am strong and brave. Romantic a little bit. I like to cook. Sometimes I want to taste you in my dishes.

I have never been to abroad but I want to meet a girl there who has the light eyes, desirably never married before, open in sex. I can respects a lady. Frankly it does not matter what girl she is…. Every girl is always nice!

Gntlbeast

I am a calm tempered man. As every man I dream about my own family. I see her beautiful and slim. Blonder. Black hair is good also.

Vladimir

Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to  trampoline much. Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine independent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way. Hey! USA!

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress professional in week and “letting loose” on weekend to be sexy for dance party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in USA. Good are you?

You see, I am looking for sexful lady with romance in life and living. I am young, live fast, I need fast lady to keep up with my speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. I like personality to maybe you like my personality and we “hitting it off” as say in USA!

64 Responses to “My Male Order Husband”

  1. paulaacton May 7, 2012 at 2:06 pm #

    well its gotta be boris not only does he share a name with my pampered pooch but he will write you a picture before he cooks you up for dinner what more can you ask…well except maybe he post final post on your behalf telling us how he cooked you and whether you tasted good

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      I better be delicious. I’d hate for him to waste a meal.

  2. crubin May 7, 2012 at 2:08 pm #

    Oh, my dear, if this doesn’t make you crave celibacy, I don’t know what will. And broad-shouldered or not, I’d stay away from Boris. Apparently he plans to eat you. And not in a good way…

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 3:01 pm #

      Right? Those shoulders make him look like a damn giant. He could eat me alive.

      • crubin May 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

        But he does have a disproportionately small head, so he probably couldn’t take too big of mouthfuls…

  3. Maggie O'C May 7, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    Well both Boris and Vlad want sexful women so that’s good. I’m concerned about Vlad wanting someone under 45 kg which is 99 pounds. That could be problematic. I’m not saying your fat but perhaps you weigh more than a 12 year old.

    Mustache and unicorns, just sayin’

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 2:50 pm #

      Well I am sexful, that must count for something. I like a good disco club. I am concerned about his current wife. She might get pissed.

  4. Kyle May 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    it seems all this time i’ve been looking for love online in all the wrong places, but thanks to this post, now i know – thank you la la

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 2:58 pm #

      Kyle, which one do you want? You seem like a gntlbeast kind of guy.

      • Kyle May 7, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

        i’m kinda hot about boris but i guess you want him – do you think there is a bride version of this site? i hope so ;)

        • La La May 7, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

          I think so, but I think you were already married to someone in that region. Maybe she knows someone for ya.

          • Kyle May 7, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

            but she married me so she is clearly not a good judge of character

  5. RFL May 7, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

    I like to trampoline much! Haha! These choices are too much :)

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

      Hey at least I could get a trampoline. I miss those.

  6. Annie May 7, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

    Go for Boris. Don’t you like to go to the nature?

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

      Kind of….is it just me or does his head seem tiny in proportion to his body?

  7. becca3416 May 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    My votes is for Gntlbeast. He is obviously a man of a few yet powerful words. This is very rare. Like unicorns. Put a ring on it girl!

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

      hahahaha aw finally, a vote for Gntlbeast! That’s so thoughtful. We can share him if you want.

      • becca3416 May 7, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

        Oh could we?! I am painfully single, so I would be forever indebted to you :).

        • La La May 7, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

          But of course, you’re friggin’ beautiful, you deserve a little Gntlbeast, too!

  8. Frivolous Monsters May 7, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    I’m glad to hear that you’re sexful, and so it has to be Vladimir all the way. Child abandoning, trampolining, Vladimir.
    FM

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 4:38 pm #

      I also happen to be the goodest dancer in the USA. Triple win!

  9. Elliot May 7, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    It has got to be Boris no? He’s not overplaying his hand, he likes romance a little bit, so he won’t get your expectations up too much. Not sure how his cats would get on with your dogs.

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

      You make a good point, Elliot. I certainly don’t want to get my hopes up ;-)

  10. Kyle May 7, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    Reblogged this on kylemew.com and commented:

    Looking for love online ladies?
    Well here it is…

  11. diirrty May 7, 2012 at 6:09 pm #

    oh this is gold. pure gold. have a date with all three, and blog about them. we’ll decide for you ;)

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 6:24 pm #

      If you want to fly me to Ukraine, I absolutely would! :-)

  12. terry1954 May 7, 2012 at 6:38 pm #

    speechless with these three wonderful picks. lol

  13. Hyacinth May 7, 2012 at 8:07 pm #

    Ahahaha! It’s like fate stepped in and made a decision for you!

  14. jayne ayres May 7, 2012 at 8:39 pm #

    IF Vlad would have finished his first line like this “Hallo! My name Vladimir. You killed my father. Prepare to die” I would have selected him but he didn’t and frankly, he’s scary. Then it was Boris because like Elliott said, he’s not overplaying his hand… “Romantic a little bit”. I couldn’t hurt Gntlbeast – he’d be disappointed with me – I am not blonder.

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

      Me either, sister. I’m thinking it’s going to be Boris. ;-), Elliott was right!

  15. Simon May 7, 2012 at 9:25 pm #

    Hey! USA! They say the best ones are already taken. Vlad you are such a tease, a very sexful tease. I think the gentle beast forgot the part about wanting you to put the lotion in the basket. That dude totally has a dungeon.

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

      That’s the perfect way to put it. He’s going to snap at any moment and it wouldn’t make for a fun blog post. Gntlbeast. A man of few words….and very dark undertones.

  16. Lori DiNardi May 7, 2012 at 11:14 pm #

    This is hard to do … but girl … you leave me at a loss for words. I’m sure my husband would like to talk to you as to how to do that. I’ll have to show him your blog.

    • La La May 7, 2012 at 11:20 pm #

      He might as well pick out a husband for me upon his visit ;-)

  17. Kourtney Heintz May 8, 2012 at 12:25 am #

    I like Gntlbeast. A man of few words. He’s probably very quietly dreaming of his family. Plus the unicorn thing. I think he might be like living in the 70s based on the picture. And who wouldn’t like to return to the 70s? Vlad is too much of a talker and I’d be scared of his wife since she forces him to stay home. You do not want that pounding on your door. And Boris, well he want to cook you for dinner. Nuff said.

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 8:53 pm #

      Well, Simon pointed out that Gntlbeast probably has a dungeon. The more I think about it, the more I think he’s right. It’s Boris. I’m going with my gut.

      • Kourtney Heintz May 8, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

        Valid. Best of luck with Boris. I think when it comes to mail order husbands, you have to trust your gut. :)

  18. Madame Weebles May 8, 2012 at 2:39 am #

    This is a tough call. On the one hand, Vladimir wants a sexful fast lady to keep up with his speedy. I’m just glad he didn’t show us photos of his speedy.

    Gntlbeast likes blondes and brunettes, so I guess you’re okay in his book unless you’re a redhead or have just let the gray hair go all natural. And the unicorn in his photo pretty much fills in the blanks otherwise.

    Boris has an earnest face and he likes cats. And he writes pictures, which intrigues me, frankly. But the whole thing about him wanting to taste you in his dishes makes you wonder what he wants you to do while he’s cooking.

    I suppose if someone put a gun to my head and forced me to choose, I’d go with Boris.

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 8:28 pm #

      Thank you for truly thinking this through! One more vote for Boris. I can run fast, perhaps that will help if he tries to cook me.

  19. jennigreenmiller May 8, 2012 at 2:57 am #

    take all 3

  20. chrisdevoss May 8, 2012 at 8:45 am #

    Whatever one you pick, purchase lots of soap and deodorant.

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 9:43 am #

      excellent tip, thank you.

  21. sammerson May 8, 2012 at 9:00 am #

    Oh come on now. Obviously Vladimir is the only logical choice. What says good, wholesome, loving, husband that you will grow old with better than someone trying to flee the country to get away from his wife and kids? Can you blame him? His wife obviously weighs 46 kg, that fat skank!

    And if all of that isn’t enough to pull you in, what can be better than trampoline sex? You better hurry, I’m about to snatch him up right from under you!

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 9:42 am #

      Hahaha, I better get to ordering. Have you ever tried trampoline sex? So much awkward mixed with the stinging of trampoline imprint on the skin = a sexuation better left to the imagination. I mean….I wouldn’t know….but a friend told me about it this one time.

  22. The Hook May 8, 2012 at 9:40 am #

    What can I possibly say? Good luck!

  23. Simon May 8, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    So it may be a coincidence but I am blaming your blog. Last night in a dream I had, there was a Russian guy that sounded just like John Malkovich’s character from Rounders. Maybe if I had read through all of the comments I could have dreamed of trampolines but nope, just Teddy KGB.

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

      Hahahaha, sorry Simon. So funny. Better luck in the next round of dreams!

  24. snarkysnatch May 8, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

    My choice is Vladimir. He shoots straight from the hip doesn’t seem to hide much. Only concern is the 45 kilogram thing weigh in thing. I am blonde but do a lot of crack rock. So, I assume for him to be measuring in kilos he must be doing the same. Just saying.

    Why not open the search to mail order brides as well? You might be able to double your wardrobe? Again, just saying.

    • snarkysnatch May 8, 2012 at 7:21 pm #

      By the way La La I don’t want you to think ill of me. I was sooo totally kidding about the crack rock thing.

      I never weigh it before it’s used. ;)

      • La La May 8, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

        HAHA. While I prefer men, doubling my wardrobe does sound tempting. And hey, I wouldn’t have to worry about the guy doing weird man stuff. The only thing that worries me about this is having to be someone’s sugar mama. I’d be a terrible sugar mama.

  25. kenthinksaloud May 8, 2012 at 6:26 pm #

    This was so wonderful I have signed up for your blog on the strength of it! Boris who “loves going to the nature” and “wants to taste you in my dishes” has got to be the best candidate – or is most likely to spend life behind bars for a pretty gruesome crime. One of the two…

    • La La May 8, 2012 at 8:26 pm #

      The pressure is on then, isn’t it? ;-)

      Thank you so much, I am flattered.

  26. gingerfightback May 9, 2012 at 7:15 am #

    Has to be Gentlbeastyboy.

  27. Pete Armetta May 9, 2012 at 7:37 am #

    So how’d this wind up for ya? :)

    • La La May 9, 2012 at 10:11 am #

      Gonna go with Boris. If at some point though, if it is possible to marry myself, I will just do that.

      • Pete Armetta May 9, 2012 at 10:14 am #

        Yeh that’s what I’ve done. Great choice! haha

  28. coolkid August 15, 2012 at 6:36 pm #

    VLADIMIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  29. davidhardingblogs November 18, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

    Ah-ha-ha-ha-hahhhhaaaahahahah!!! LOL!!!! Men suck!!! And these are three of the better ones I’ve ever met!
    PS: My vote goes to Gentlbeast. His name is an oxymoron, while the others are just morons.

    • La La November 18, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

      Gentlbeast is an oxymoron. Which will be worth the fun of it when I am in his dungeon I’m sure.

      • davidhardingblogs November 18, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

        His dungeon would either be cute and fluffy or dark and scary – I can’t tell!

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