A July 4th Vajazzle

4 Jul

One year ago today, I was having my share of wine and cheese at the symphony/fireworks event at Oregon Ridge Park. Considering the very small amount of “us” time that Dane and I got at home, this was a great way to unwind and be romantic.

 

 

There are few things that bother me when I am feeling relaxed and tipsy. I tend to escape from the world around me and I even have the ability to tune out screaming children. However, just as the symphony started playing, I was startled by a woman in a white terry cloth romper who accidentally flashed her vajazzled vagina in my direction. Then it happened again. Then another time. The more wine she drank, the more I saw her gem adorned vagina. The people around us began seeing it too–Dane saw it thrice before the shocked woman next to him and her ice cream covered child saw it. One guy saw it and was so disgusted that he moved his blanket. I even heard a couple talking about it on the way out.

We were all so disturbed by what we saw, but not one of us could look away. This woman’s vajazzle was present in the lives of everyone at Oregon Ridge Park that day. It reflected sunlight like a disco ball does a spotlight, there’s no way that someone could have missed it.

I have some simple advice for this lady and I think that all of my dear sisters should take note:

1. In January 2010, Jennifer Love Hewitt said vajazzling would empower you and perhaps you took her advice. She didn’t say you should get shitfaced at the park and show your 50 yr. old va-junk to children.

2. Making your lady bits sparkle is the business of you and your husband and it shouldn’t be flashed around. It makes you seem trashy. Jennifer Love Hewitt didn’t show her vajazzled “precious lady” to anyone. The ghost whisperer knows best.

3. Always wear underwear to family friendly events.

4. Keep your legs together whilst in public places. You risk much laughter and disgust at your expense.

5. You also risk some perv taking a photo of that thing. Believe me, I tried to snap one myself.

6. A 3rd risk to consider? Mosquitoes. Keep it covered, girlfriends.

Also, while we’re on the subject, where does one get a vajazzle? Have you ever been with a guy who has a pejazzle? Is there such a thing as clitter? I have this friend who wants to know. It isn’t me.

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36 Responses to “A July 4th Vajazzle”

  1. Madame Weebles July 4, 2012 at 1:37 pm #

    You get bonus points for using the word “thrice” in your post. And yeah, I don’t get the whole vajazzle thing. It looks like it would itch, or get in the way, or something. I don’t think a penazzle would do it for me, frankly.

    Like

    • La La July 4, 2012 at 3:08 pm #

      Thrice needs to be used more often! It seems like it would itch, yes. Glue doesn’t belong down there.

      Like

  2. sweetmother July 4, 2012 at 1:44 pm #

    Ok, vajunk ????!!! I heart u. Happy 4th, sistah.

    Like

  3. calahan July 4, 2012 at 1:45 pm #

    Wait, that’s what vajazzle is? I thought it was some sort of fusion jazz music. No wonder the guy at the record store laughed at me.

    Like

    • La La July 4, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

      Haha, it’s okay buddy. The more you know….(cue that NBC star).

      Like

  4. junelikethemonth July 4, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    oh my god,lol…thanks for the laugh…i am still picturing it, and i have to say, i would have had to embarrass the shit of that lady in front of god and everyone…especially at a family event…if she had been at a bar and got that tragically drunk and exposed her vajayjay, that would be different, don’t you think?
    and the guys i know that have their cock pierced, would die before get anything sparkly on it,lol

    Like

    • La La July 4, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

      If I pulled a man’s pants down and his dick looked all fancy, I would laugh at it and in his face and I imagine he would have a complex for the rest of his life!

      Like

      • junelikethemonth July 4, 2012 at 3:23 pm #

        right? lol, i wouldn’t be able to take him seriously, much less fuck him,lol

        Like

  5. Andrew July 4, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    Hahaha, is this a real thing that people do? And yes, I agree. Always wear underwear to family events.

    Like

    • La La July 4, 2012 at 3:10 pm #

      Glad you agree. Also, no one I know does it and I hope that lady doesn’t still do it, but it does indeed exist.

      Like

      • Andrew July 4, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

        Wow…do you have to go to a special store to do that? Is there a lot of prep time? I have so many questions. That’s so weird. If my girlfriend tried that, I would probably be surprised, scared, laugh, then be sad. Kind of like when Tom Cruise when he got sprayed by the water gun in that interview.

        Like

        • La La July 5, 2012 at 1:53 pm #

          Hahahaha, I never saw that video so I just watched it and sure enough, that’s exactly what happens. He gets so weird about it! Thank you, this has made my work day.

          Like

  6. crubin July 4, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    My heartfelt apologies. I had no idea my vajazzle disturbed you. I was just excited in the moment. I’ll try to keep it better covered next time…

    But seriously, as far as I’m concerned, piercing anything that has a mucous membrane should be avoided. Strenuously.

    Like

  7. Christopher De Voss July 4, 2012 at 4:25 pm #

    Mosquitoes and vagina. ..I love when you bring out the sexy talk!

    Like

  8. ladymiryaa July 4, 2012 at 4:51 pm #

    Another reason terry cloth jumpers should be banned. I once got a full coochy view while at Jazzercise and doing leg lifts. Over and over. BFF and I could not stop laughing. Undies are a good thing people.

    Like

    • La La July 5, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

      That’s just awful. She should know better. She must have felt a breeze or something!

      Like

  9. pivoine68 July 4, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    I think I’ve been away from home for far too long! I don’t even know what a vajazzle is…although I think I get the picture. (ugh!) It’s like when there is a bad smell. Everyone starts sniffing like crazy. ICK!

    Like

  10. Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 1:03 pm #

    I love this post. I can’t remember if I have already asked, what in the hell is vajazzle? I’m at work so I don’t want to Google it. You know as soon as I do and some scary photo shows up on my screen is when my boss comes up behind me, sees it and faints.

    Like

    • La La July 5, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      Vajazzle: To decorate the vulva or public area with jewels. There are pictures out there, I suggest you wait until your home! haha

      Like

      • Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

        are they glued on? like what people do with their fingernails?
        what in the actual fuck?

        Like

        • La La July 5, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

          Yes, exactly, they say to use an adhesive like eyelash glue, liquid latex, spirit gum or even ELMER’S. How weird is that?

          Like

          • Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

            oh jeeze that is just freaky. What in the hell??? hahahaha

            Like

          • Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 1:31 pm #

            oh jeeze that is just freaky. What in the hell??? hahahaha

            Did she glue the stars and stripes to her hoo hah?

            Like

            • La La July 5, 2012 at 1:47 pm #

              Sure did. She sure did.

              Like

            • Maggie O'C July 5, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

              Shut up. Just shut up! No, she did NOT. oh man! So that was a special decoration to show who? I mean her intended audience? Her boyfriend? Oh baby I love that you glued jewels to your hoochy? what the hell?

              What.
              The.
              HELL?????

              Sorry but I am really just I don’t know what I am but that is bizarre.

              Like

  11. Kourtney Heintz July 5, 2012 at 4:58 pm #

    What a unexpected show on July 4th. It’s so wrong to flash lady bits in public no matter how vagazzled they may be. Love your advice. Takeaways that woman would benefit from. ;)

    Like

  12. Carolina Courtland July 5, 2012 at 8:42 pm #

    This is a classic Fourth of July story that makes one proud to call themselves “American.”

    Like

  13. Viciously Sweet July 6, 2012 at 1:13 pm #

    I am very concerned about all of this vajazzling! I went to a beauty store and it had a section called “personal stickers”, my mind had never so quickly descended to the gutter… But I just knew that “personal stickers” meant it was for vajazzling… and there were so many options, butterflies, an ice cream cone, a soccer ball (for those FIFA fans) I was disgusted. And then this lady who was dressed in booty shorts and a zebra peasant top came up to the aisle, and I decided to let her choose her sparkly bits in peace.

    Like

    • La La July 7, 2012 at 9:49 am #

      That is an amazing story. I love you.

      Like

  14. becca3416 July 6, 2012 at 4:37 pm #

    Pejazzle, now that would be a definite deal breaker. Clitter? I will pass on that too.

    Like

  15. Jen and Tonic November 13, 2012 at 12:15 pm #

    Va-junk may be my new favorite word.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

      Hahaha yay! Yay vaginas!

      Like

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