Dennis, a Dick Bee and the Day I Lost My Internet Anonymity

18 Jul

Well, there has been a change of plan regarding the penis story. Here’s why:

My best friend (my dad, aka ‘Dennis the menacing menace’) came over yesterday to teach me to use an edger because I got lazy and didn’t cut my grass for 3 weeks, thus resulting in the lush jungle that greeted me on Monday afternoon. I knew my old timey mower wasn’t going to do the trick.

As he was showing off his mad edging skills, a spricket sprang toward me, causing me to run around squeal-screaming like a small child. My dad laughed and then, just to add insult to injury, a dick bee flew up and stung my knee.

________

Me (yelling): What the fuck, you dick bee!

Dad (laughing): You should blog about this.

Me: What?

Dad: Tales of a Charm City Chick, right?

Me: Um, what? Did you read it? This is like when mom read my diary when I was 14 except this diary doesn’t have a lock or a unicorn on the cover! I’ll never be able to write as myself again because this will be in the back of my mind. Thanks, Dad, you’ve ruined everything!

Dad: Why don’t you want me to read it?

Me: I talk about things that would embarrass me if you saw them! How did you find out?

Dad: Someone who likes it told me about it and don’t worry, I didn’t tell your mother.

Me: I’M RUINED. SHE’S GOING TO FIND OUT.

Dad: La, has a great writer ever stopped writing because he was nervous about what his dad or mom thought?

Me: Maybe!!!!!

Dad: Okay…well, pretend I didn’t say anything. Also, please blog about how you’re a 27-year old woman who runs around screaming about bugs while your 7-year old niece embraces them. She thinks it’s funny, too.

Me: Well then, I’m glad you and little miss St. Francis of Assisi can laugh whilst I suffer.

FIN.
________

So, my friends, we meet on this day at the crossroads (the group Bone Thugs-N-Harmony is nowhere in sight…how disappointing).

What would you do if you were in my position? Pretend for a moment that you occasionally mention penes and sex (Dad, chill, I’m not losing my virginity until I’m 33, just as we agreed) in your blog/diary that strangers read at their leisure, and yesterday you learned that your dad or mom or boss reads it. Could you keep writing that way? Would you feel hindered? Would your writing change and maybe become less fun for you? Please discuss.

55 Responses to “Dennis, a Dick Bee and the Day I Lost My Internet Anonymity”

  1. Maggie O'C July 18, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

    This is yet another upside to not having any parents left but I would hate to have lost them when I was only 27. I don’t know what a spricket is. Your Dad sounds very cool and you are obviously close but yeah, this does throw a wrench into things. Can you ask him not to read? My ex-mother-in-law reads mine and sometimes gives me shit about my language but I’m 47 and don’t care. I don’t know what I would do if my parents were alive, could figure out the internet and read my blog.

    Do you have siblings?

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 2:55 pm #

      A spricket is a spider cricket. It jumps. I asked him not to read and he didn’t really say anything. Maybe he won’t. Perhaps I will just keep going. Hilarious about your ex-mother-in-law! I have a cussy older brother, so the language isn’t that big of a deal on this end.

      Like

  2. makewayforlindaj July 18, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

    I have written posts where I’ve bitched about my breasts, wanted to put my uterus up for sale, and written about my continuous problems with unruly chin hair…. and everyone in my family has been privy to it. Though I’m pretty sure when my Dad sees a girlie part named in the title, he chooses to skip out on my blog for that week :)

    I try to write like no one is reading it. Forget being embarrassed, forget about your Dad, and just lay it all out there. Norah Ephron once said, “Everything is copy” – meaning all of your life experiences are worth writing about. And if the voice in your head is saying, “maybe you shouldn’t write about that….”, that is when you should tell the voice to go shove it, and write about it anyway. The blogs I mentioned about the girlie problems are the ones that have gotten the best response out of my readers.

    Your Dad might not be able to relate to your posts sometimes, but there are plenty of people out there who can!

    P.S. – What the hell is a “dick bee”??

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 2:57 pm #

      Nice advice, thank you. It’s a good idea, maybe I just need a couple days to sort of forget the embarrassment. A dick bee is a bee that I called a dick out of anger :-). Also…I need to check out this chin hair situation hahaha.

      Like

    • Karen July 18, 2012 at 3:19 pm #

      Oh, good. I’m glad I’m not the only one wondering what a “dick bee” was. :)

      Like

  3. Christopher De Voss July 18, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

    Dick Bee! Hahahaha!

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

      Haha, glad you enjoyed that dick bee.

      Like

  4. Joseph Hyde July 18, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

    What if you used your real name, continued to write what you think, and experience the balls-out rush of a true, out-of-closet authenticity. No better way to stand behind your words than to sign your actual name.

    Like

  5. dee dee July 18, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    I say you run with it. You’ve already said it, and he’s already read it. So why change it up now?

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

      I guess you’re right, double d. Why end it here…

      Thanks!

      Like

  6. Carrie Rubin July 18, 2012 at 3:42 pm #

    If my subject matter crossed into your territory? Yeah, I’d be a little weirded out. But I’d still keep delivering the goods. In fact, you really must. For our sakes. :)

    And just so we’re clear: “I got lazy and didn’t cut my grass for 3 weeks, thus resulting in the lush jungle that greeted me on Monday afternoon.”—you were referring to your lawn here and not a belated bikini wax, weren’t you?…

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

      Yes, oh my god, you’re hysterical. I needed that laugh, thank you!

      Like

      • Carrie Rubin July 18, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

        Well, after the laugh you gave me from the penis-security post yesterday, I owed you one. My sons heard about that man and–no surprise here–couldn’t stop talking about it. My oldest even got out two rulers to show the youngest what 13 1/2 inches looked like. Needless to say, they were impressed…

        Like

        • La La July 18, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

          HAHA, hopefully they don’t remember it and feel inadequate like the guys at my lunch table did when I told that story at work….

          Like

    • Madame Weebles July 18, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

      Oh my God, Carrie, this made me laugh out loud really hard.

      Like

  7. RFL July 18, 2012 at 4:07 pm #

    My brother recently sent around a link to one of my posts to some family members. At first I was really embarrassed thinking that they might click around on some other posts and be judgy. I went through a couple of days where I didn’t want to write at all, and thought about changing the whole tone of my blog just in case they clicked over there. I can relate, but I don’t think you should change anything. Your blog is funny and honest, and I love it. Dick bee and spricket…hahaha!

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 4:36 pm #

      Thank you. This makes me feel a lot better. I hope you don’t change your blog either!! I have always liked reading yours for the same reasons. Real people are the best kind, and you make me laugh. :-)

      Like

  8. Frivolous Monsters July 18, 2012 at 4:26 pm #

    Your Dad (hi there!) should be proud. Although I think we should have a witch hunt for whoever grassed you up because it’s obviously one of us!

    Seriously though, I would be mortified. I have had a similar breech in security, but I’m not sure my sister-in-law has actually found mine, so I have carried on in ignorance.

    FM

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 5:10 pm #

      You’re so cute. My dad will probably read yours now that you’ve said hi ;-). Let’s get this witch hunt going!

      Like

      • Frivolous Monsters July 18, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

        Seriously, these days I need all the readers I can get. I’ve got my pitch fork out, so lets get a mob going and start chasing probably innocents out of town as if they were Frankenstein!

        Do you know? Because obviously the best person to interrogate IS your Dad!

        Like

        • La La July 18, 2012 at 6:16 pm #

          I don’t know if I want to know… you know? haha

          Like

  9. Kyle July 18, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    my solution to this problem is to only write stuff that is appropriate for my mum to read

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

      Hahaha Kyle, your mom should be proud of your work ;-)

      Like

      • Kyle July 18, 2012 at 5:03 pm #

        she is, i just wish she wouldn’t keep suggesting ideas for kinky sex scenes ;)

        Like

  10. Lori DiNardi July 18, 2012 at 5:30 pm #

    Now I know where you get your sense of humor.

    On another note, why do you think my blog is so clean?? Yep, dear old Dad reads it. :-P

    Thanks for the giggle.

    Like

  11. Lori DiNardi July 18, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Oh, and one more thing … good thing you don’t live where I live. The bugs are the size of small vehicles, and I’m scared of them just the same as you. Ack!

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 6:14 pm #

      Lori….GROSS! I am very pleased I don’t live there.

      Like

  12. Viciously Sweet July 18, 2012 at 5:56 pm #

    My mom read my blog, and said… “It’s so nice there are people that enjoy your humor.” She made me feel like I was the most “special sauce” that has ever graced a burger bun, but I am pretty goofy… :)

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

      Aw cute haha, that’s so “accepting” of her. That’s like when I ask my mom if something looks good and she replies, “it’s different!”

      Like

  13. JWo July 18, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

    My Mom found out about my blog and didn’t like some of the “choice” words I was using. Of course I used that as blog material and she hasn’t said anything else about it again. Haha… Of course I’m not talking bout penes or anything though but I have had some pretty racy titles.

    http://thelifeofjwo.com/2011/09/26/youre-never-too-old-to-disappoint-your-mom/

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

      Great idea, I love that post, I just read it. If my mom gets in on this there will be some troubles…but now I know what to do!

      Like

  14. Madame Weebles July 18, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

    If it’s any consolation, I’m pretty sure my parents have read mine. I haven’t really brought on the raunch all that often on my blog (at least, not YET), but I don’t think it would keep me from doing it. And my dad seriously thought I was a virgin when I got married so I really have no idea what his reaction would be. But I’d still bring it on. And so should you!

    Like

    • clownonfire July 18, 2012 at 8:47 pm #

      Madame Weebles,
      Please change the subject. Jesus is reading this blog. Janice told me.
      Le Clown

      Like

      • Madame Weebles July 18, 2012 at 8:50 pm #

        But Le Clown, if God didn’t want us to blog about giant peens, He wouldn’t have created them. I bet Janice would approve. I’ll ask her.

        Like

        • clownonfire July 18, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

          Madame Weebles,
          God didn’t invent giant penes… I mean, why would he invent such a [large] thing when he can Immaculate conceive? Mary would be holding a grudge, no?
          Le Clown

          Like

          • Madame Weebles July 18, 2012 at 8:58 pm #

            Ours is not to question why, Le Clown…

            Like

            • clownonfire July 18, 2012 at 8:59 pm #

              Madame Weebles,
              I’m bored with this thread. Later.
              Le Clown

              Like

    • La La July 19, 2012 at 12:10 am #

      Do you really think I am on the raunch? I try to say dirty words as funny as possible. Perhaps I should have a 2nd dirty blog.

      Like

      • Madame Weebles July 19, 2012 at 9:45 am #

        “Naughty” is probably a better word than raunchy. In the best possible way!!

        Like

  15. clownonfire July 18, 2012 at 8:46 pm #

    La La,
    I could comment on your post, I could. Because I’ve read it. But I won’t. Because I can. But. What took me so long to follow your blog? Anyway. I’ll end this here. Because I can also do that.
    Le Clown

    Like

    • La La July 18, 2012 at 9:16 pm #

      No le peens for you? That’s cool. No problem.

      Like

  16. clownonfire July 18, 2012 at 9:10 pm #

    La La,
    There are things other bloggers should have told me… for example Madame Weebles “Hey Le Clown, you should read TOACCC, she’s pretty magnificent”, but she didn’t. Just sayin’, you know? Well, ok, you’re on her blogroll, but do I have time to read them all?
    Le I’m Now Here Clown

    Like

  17. Titillating Thoughts July 18, 2012 at 10:56 pm #

    Just take it to an even further uncomfortable level. It may chase your parents away.

    Like

    • La La July 19, 2012 at 12:29 am #

      Maybe….how uncomfortable are we talking here ;-)

      Like

  18. Simon July 19, 2012 at 10:33 am #

    I guess I should preface any comment with the fact that my blog is squeaky clean when my mind or thoughts aren’t always the same. Sometimes I feel like I have trapped myself in a box in that respect. Your subject matter is never off putting or raunchy, it is edgy with humor. I am not positive what I would do in your situation but at the end of the day, maybe it is liberating. As a reader, I selfishly hope you won’t self-censor.

    Like

    • La La July 19, 2012 at 10:44 am #

      Maybe it is kind of liberating. I hope to think that soon! Thank you for the sweet, thoughtful comment, Simon!!!

      Like

  19. gingerfightback July 19, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

    That is one of the best opening lines I have read in months!

    Like

  20. Carolina Courtland July 19, 2012 at 2:38 pm #

    I had a bee fly up my tight denim skirt and while I was jumping around hollering, my Rottie got excited and started attacking me. LOL Rotts do that, attack the victim.

    I wouldn’t feel comfy having my dad read my blog, either. Ewww.

    Like

    • La La July 19, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

      hahahahaha that’s funny.

      Like

  21. Kourtney Heintz July 21, 2012 at 9:36 pm #

    Hmm, that’s a tough one. I created my blog to support my writing so everyone knows about it. That does sometimes give me pause in what I write. Except for the travel blog posts which were written real time and contain more swearing than any of my other posts (even after I tried to edit them). My parents have at times asked me to curtain the cursing. I told them no, though I did secretly try to swear a tad less. I guess my point is, you may self censor a tad, but if you self censor too much it’s not your blog anymore. And you write a kick ass blog. :)

    Like

  22. becca3416 July 25, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

    Ah! Tough one. I wanted my mother to read my blog, because I value her opinion on my writing. But, when it came down to her actually asking for the link… I flaked. I don’t believe I have written anything that would fatally embarrass me, but I might in the future. I don’t want my voice to change, because well, that’s my shit. I want consistency. Also, I made fun of her technological skills and she is sensitive. I say move forward and try to forget who might be reading other than us strangers :).

    Like

  23. deviantdiaries July 31, 2012 at 1:51 pm #

    I had to make my blog private (which I HATE) because I have a stalker ex-bf who found it and could use it to incriminate me in my professional life. Believe me..I’d never get a job, so unless I change professions (which I might)…I have to keep mine secret….and hopefully I’ll have some adventures to write some good peen stories soon (sigh). Authentic is always best…but you could always do 2 blogs…one X rated and the other PG-13…

    Like

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  1. I Want It Now « - September 21, 2012

    [...] birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, [...]

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