Hoop! There It Is.

29 Aug

Do you ever nostalgically look at the things you did regularly when you were a kid and wonder if you can still do them? Like monkey bars? Or skateboard?

Recently my family had a party and I was eyeing up my niece’s hula hoop. After a couple of beers (oh, who am I kidding, I drink tequila these days), I decided to give it a go. Why not? What better time to try being a kid again than when you’re drinking tequila on a hot afternoon?

I brought it out to the yard where everyone was standing. “Crazy On You” by Heart was playing on the radio. I gave it a shot and sure enough, not only could I still hula hoop, but I was amazing at it. And it kept going. And going…

and going…

Ann and Nancy Wilson and I were still killing it halfway through the song when suddenly I looked up at my family and became horrified by the awkward expression on their faces that said it all—oh my god, hula hooping is just air humping…with a hoop.

So, basically, my family was watching me air fuck. Awesome. Not even Don Julio (tequila) could keep me going after such a realization.

I took the hula hoop home with me that day and it has become part of my exercise routine. I stick my iPod between my boobs and hula the shit out of that thing every single day and I’ve lost 16 lbs and developed quite a bit of muscle tone and definition.

I can suggest this exciting air sex activity to all readers who, like me, want to feel like a kid again and want to participate in sexy time, but are not lucky enough to be a kid or have sex in real life.

I was going to say more about this, but my boss just brought in two bottles of wine on ice and went to get a bottle opener. I don’t know why he did that, but I’m sure it will make a good story for next time.


39 Responses to “Hoop! There It Is.”

  1. Maggie O'C August 29, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

    16 lbs!!?? I’m going to get one, that’s cheaper than Weight Watchers!


    • La La August 29, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

      You really have to commit, but it’s fun, so why not? Download MyFitnessPal too! It’s helpful.


      • Maggie O'C August 29, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

        what is myfitnesspal?


        • La La August 29, 2012 at 2:49 pm #

          An app for counting calories and exercise. It’s free.


  2. JWo August 29, 2012 at 3:04 pm #

    Air humping… I do it around the house sometimes but I’m sure Tammy would appreciate it more if I used a hula hoop instead. haha…

    You should leave your windows open so your neighbors could see, but make it so they couldn’t see the hoop. They’d just think you were banging like every night!! haha…

    Who knew it would help you lose 16 pounds? That’s pretty cool…


    • La La August 29, 2012 at 3:12 pm #

      Oh my god, that’s a great idea! At least everyone will think I’m getting action and I will still get exercise in the process. I like your brain.


      • JWo August 29, 2012 at 3:18 pm #

        I see you’re just as twisted as I am… That could be trouble. HAHA!!!


        • La La August 29, 2012 at 3:21 pm #

          Obviously it is… and I’d like to see you doing that around the house for no reason hahaha!


          • JWo August 29, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

            I could show you on Skype but based on your previous experience I think I’d end up with the short end of the stick. hahaha…


            • La La August 29, 2012 at 5:32 pm #

              Aww, so it’s small? That’s okay, I’ll still appreciate it. ;-)


            • JWo August 29, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

              Hey!! That’s not what I meant!! I was meaning I’d show you mine (air humping) but you wouldn’t show me yours. Geesh, you are twisted. HAHA… ;-)


            • La La August 30, 2012 at 10:33 am #

              Haha you gave me the chance, I had to take it ;-)


            • JWo August 30, 2012 at 11:13 am #

              Yeah, I did… and you did. I shoulda known better. Thanks for letting me know that no matter what you’d appreciate it… hahaha…


            • JWo August 30, 2012 at 11:14 am #

              Yeah, I did… and you did. I shoulda known better. Thanks for letting me know that, no matter what, you’d appreciate it… hahaha… You’re so kind… ;-)


  3. trixfred30 August 29, 2012 at 3:20 pm #

    I got pissed at a BBQ years ago and started playing cricket (baseball with a flat bat) with the kids. I was doing pretty well knocking the ball into the bushes and Then some tosspot adult took the ball and got me good in the guts and i was on the floor.


  4. Carrie Rubin August 29, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

    Why was no one filming you and why is there no video up on You Tube? I would so watch that.

    And congrats on the 16 pounds! Good for you. Keep on hula-ing on. :)


    • La La August 29, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

      Funny you should mention it, there was a video and there was no way I was going to post it! :-P


  5. Christopher De Voss August 29, 2012 at 3:36 pm #

    I just tried your hula hoop advice and all was going well until I got a little too excited. Needless to say, my hula hoop looks like a door knocker now.


  6. Frivolous Monsters August 29, 2012 at 5:18 pm #

    You have i-Breasts? Converted to be compatible with Apple products? That Steve Jobs has got a lot to answer for.


  7. Madame Weebles August 29, 2012 at 5:20 pm #

    I suck at hula hooping. I really do. I get one round in and then PLOP, the hoop lands on the floor. It’s probably much hotter to watch you hula hooping. When I do it, I just look like I’m having a seizure.


    • La La August 29, 2012 at 5:28 pm #

      Haha, I’m tipsy, and I just imagined that kitten hula hooping. You were very entertaining.


  8. Kyle August 29, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    and i thought air humping was just invisible hula hooping


    • La La August 30, 2012 at 8:32 am #

      Hahaha, well, it would make things easier.


  9. Andrew August 30, 2012 at 10:15 am #

    Ha, and to think how many hula hoops could be sold if they advertised them as “air fuckers”.


  10. becca3416 August 30, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    I swear it is like you are in my head. Why, just yesterday while I was watching hurricane Isaac tinkle on my city, and drinking beer (who am I kidding it was whiskey) I spotted my friend’s son’s ripstick. Three shaky attempts and one near miss ankle twist later, I decided to come to terms with the fact that I should stick to grown up things like laundry and sorrow.


    • La La August 30, 2012 at 2:27 pm #

      Ripstik? I would pay to see that, I really would.


  11. becca3416 August 30, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    Oh, and thanks for the tip. I am about to tell my gym to sit and spin. Air fucking my way in to a size zero – for the win!


  12. calahan August 30, 2012 at 3:06 pm #

    Air kissing while air humping makes it more romantic.


    • La La August 30, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

      Aww, you’re so thoughtful!


      • calahan August 30, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

        Be sure to read The Air Kama Sutra.


  13. bowzerscastle September 7, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

    you could just go to Hooters and hula hoop


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