Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:

 

 

Gentlemen,

Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.

Love,

Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

51 Responses to “Drunk Girl Writing”

  1. Christopher De Voss September 7, 2012 at 7:32 am #

    I fart in the shower once with you and you put it on the interwebs for all to read! I apologized so many times! Now, the next time we take a bath together, I’m going to fart on purpose and scream, “Depth Charge one! Away! Depth Charge two! Away!”

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 7:59 am #

      Yes that one was specifically for you. Well…don’t say I didn’t warn you, then, of my counterattack.

      Like

  2. Kyle September 7, 2012 at 7:35 am #

    hey thanks, i learned so much from this post – i am going to print it out and hang it in the shower to remind myself ;)

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 8:07 am #

      Frame it, so you don’t get it wet ;-)

      Like

  3. Frivolous Monsters September 7, 2012 at 7:43 am #

    I bet there’s a Narnia in there… Although if you ever flash your talking lion then I’m bailing out and taking refuge in the nearest wardrobe.

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 8:09 am #

      ….and we never saw him again.

      Like

  4. RFL September 7, 2012 at 8:33 am #

    Hahaha! This list is awesome.

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

      Thank you. I like when you make lists–always very witty.

      Like

  5. Le Clown September 7, 2012 at 8:56 am #

    La La,
    Well… I’ve stumbled onto girls and boys who were wasted in bars, and at home, and on the couch, and weren’t as eloquent as you when it came to medium-sized weens… And you even managed to not spit boozed up saliva in our faces, and I thank you for it.
    Le Clown who always looks up

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:38 pm #

      Why thank you. I do my best to be eloquent while poking a bit of fun and tipping my lady cap to the gentlemen.

      Like

  6. becca3416 September 7, 2012 at 10:19 am #

    Oh god. The nipple thing! Seriously, this should be number one.

    Sincerely, Becca Ann.

    Like

    • Fish Out of Water September 7, 2012 at 10:47 am #

      For sure!

      Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

      You’re only cool and sincere if your middle name is Ann! Win.

      Like

  7. Carrie Rubin September 7, 2012 at 12:36 pm #

    Even though you told us not to, I read the man list anyway. Good stuff, as always. But I am most impressed that despite inebriation, there was not a typo to be found. Highly impressive or highly scary–I haven’t decided which yet.

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

      Well, you would be surprised how google spell check and WordPress helped me out with that. I also read it like 900 times.

      Like

  8. sweetmother September 7, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

    sorry, i even read the boy parts too. but, i suppose i’m gay like that. ;) i’m very impressed by the drunk writing. though i confess to writing a wine-fueled post or two myself. tho, these days, it’s mostly juice-fueled. long story. xo, sm

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:32 pm #

      Haha, glad to hear it. Drinking does good things…sometimes. :-)

      Like

  9. pivoine68 September 7, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

    Most of my posts are alcohol-inspired, my comments too. I didn’t even watch the cute animal video. I guess something is really wrong with me! How sweet you are to comfort medium ween guys. I’ll bet that when they read that, they were HUGE!

    Big Bisous,
    Dawn

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

      Aww I hope it did! You’re hilarious. xoxo

      Like

  10. JWo September 7, 2012 at 1:33 pm #

    So many thoughts running through my head… can’t focus on which one should be first… Maybe I’ll start dranking and it’ll help me figure it out. ;-)

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 1:35 pm #

      Let me know once that happens. If you still find yourself having trouble, I suppose you could answer number 6 with a simple yes or no. I thought that would get more feedback.

      Like

      • JWo September 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm #

        YES. Found any volunteers? ;-)

        Like

  11. Madame Weebles September 7, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    Okay, I had to comment on this one. Of course I read the guy parts because I’m kind of a dude too. Hellz yeah to all of your points, and my empirical evidence suggests that the answer to #6 is “YES…..OHHHHHHH GODDDDDDD YESSSSSSSSS UNNNGGGGGGHHHHHHH.”

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

      YES! I achieved Weebledom! I feel like I’ve won a prize!!!!

      And thank you for being man enough to reply to #6. I agree with you, but wanted to be sure.

      Like

      • Madame Weebles September 7, 2012 at 2:17 pm #

        Come on, fellas, butch up and give us your thoughts on #6. And Kyle, I was really hoping you’d provide us with a full discourse on the subject. I’m disappointed.

        Like

        • Kyle September 7, 2012 at 2:32 pm #

          well, i’m all in favour of contrast and personally practice cold-hand-warm-hand often

          as for #6 – that can be pretty cool, but the time it takes to change from one to another can be time consuming and off-putting … the best solution is to have two ladies, one with a hot drink and one with a cold drink

          Like

          • Madame Weebles September 7, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

            NOW we’re cookin’. Thank you sir, my faith in you has been restored.

            (Of course the trick to avoiding the off-putting bit is to keep the hands at similar temperature to the mouth, so the poor fella has no idea what’s actually going on at any given time…just sayin’)

            Like

            • Kyle September 7, 2012 at 2:44 pm #

              now i have to admit, that does sound awesome – i love it when i have no idea what’s going on – sounds like a blindfold would be in order here too ;)

              Like

            • Madame Weebles September 7, 2012 at 2:56 pm #

              It sure does, doesn’t it.

              Like

  12. Sword-chinned bitch September 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm #

    I enjoyed this immensely though I wasn’t apposed ta! If I’d written a drunk list it’d be a pirate drunk list and absolutely unprintable. Good job La La! Funny stuff — as usual!

    Like

  13. Maddie Cochere September 7, 2012 at 2:22 pm #

    I was up late last night drinking whiskey when your post hit my reader. As soon as you told me not to read the list, I looked around to be sure there were no police, and I read it anyway. Dragged myself up to bed with a smile on my face. Great list.

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

      What!? We should have been hanging out!

      Thank you :-)

      Like

  14. Viciously Sweet September 7, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    I laughed so hard at both coldish and warmish liquids. AHHH, I should keep it down since I’m at work :)

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

      Haha, don’t get in trouble!

      Like

  15. calahan September 7, 2012 at 2:30 pm #

    #1 and #4 should not have to be mentioned to adult males. Or so one would think. The term ‘arrested development’ comes to mind, for sure. You’ve seriously met these types of dudes?

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 2:41 pm #

      Absolutely. I’m actually a bit surprised that you’re surprised. I have met quite a few. I guess it comes with being “cool girl.”

      Like

  16. Someone Else September 7, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    hahhaha. you are by far the funniest! and i should mention that i totally watched the cute baby video while reading the ‘men folk’ part, which made for a really weird juxtaposed soundtrack.

    Like

  17. Carolina Courtland September 7, 2012 at 4:09 pm #

    I’ve never heard anyone say that about farting in the shower before. HILARIOUS!!!

    Like

  18. bowzerscastle September 7, 2012 at 4:53 pm #

    please tell me you have watched Jenna Marbles on the YouTubes, I think you would enjoy

    Like

  19. aparnauteur September 7, 2012 at 6:27 pm #

    Cute baby animals aren’t nearly as interesting as men. So, I ignored your advice and went straight for the men-talk. I found the molecular-level description of farts hilarious.
    I am going to give drunk-writing a try; sobriety is not sitting well with me.

    Like

    • La La September 7, 2012 at 6:34 pm #

      Do it! I’m so excited. Everyone should try. I’m looking forward to it!

      Like

  20. junelikethemonth September 8, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    ok, i know i broke the rules and was supposed to watch the annoying video, but come on, we all know me…i don’t follow rules well, and i definitely want to do whatever someone tells me i’m not supposed to do,lol…
    this piece was hilarious…thanks for the farting and balls thing; that needed to be said…
    not sure i agree with the medium vs. giant “weenie” thing, but hey, we are all entitled to our opinions…after all, one size does not fit all,lol
    and definitely try the drunk writing thing again…curious to see what falls out of your mouth and on to the page next time…

    Like

    • La La September 8, 2012 at 1:40 pm #

      I always love your comments, June! You’re right about weens, we’re all different. I have an easier time achieving great things with the medium ones, not sure why. I guess I’m kind of tight and the biggins hurt (shh, don’t tell anyone I said that).

      Like

      • junelikethemonth September 8, 2012 at 5:33 pm #

        well, i am no sinkhole either you know,lol…but i just like the pain…i am a little masochistic that way i guess

        Like

  21. Bob September 8, 2012 at 6:01 pm #

    Regards to #6 YES!! Oh God YES!!

    Like

  22. bharatwrites September 9, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

    Hemingway said, “Write drunk. Edit sober.” I find that great advice, but I can’t follow it. I can’t get to my second paragraph without obsessing over my first. I end up writing zilch. Writing drunk might help shed my grammatical inhibitions.
    Nice post.

    Like

  23. ladymiryaa September 18, 2012 at 2:03 am #

    Pretty sure I spit out my water at the Narnia nipple comment….but seriously. It’s true.

    Like

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