My birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, daddy, I promise not to get too Veruca Salt on your ass this year.
1. Money for a tank of gas.
3. A clever teapot.
4. This Pasotti Ombrelli. It’s like a fucking scepter with a pretty umbrella on the end. I don’t own an umbrella, and I’m in need of a scepter, so this will be perfect.
5. Underpants. I needs ’em (seriously, I haven’t worn underwear in like a month).
6. GIMMIE THIS PIG.
7. A funny boyfriend who enjoys copious amounts of sexual activities and doesn’t mind killing the spiders in my basement. He should also like wine, cheese and hugging me.
8. I ask every year, so I’m not sure why you still haven’t gotten me a fucking beautiful unicorn.
9. Lastly, Blackwood Distillers makes a triple distilled vodka that is ice-filtered through Nordic birch charcoal and then is passed through a sand of crushed diamonds and other gems. Price? $1,060,000. It’s so beautiful that I probably won’t even cry or text an ex-boyfriend when I drink it (just kidding, I probably will).