Hi, future husband? It’s me, your future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.
Listen, we’re going to have so much fun together, but I have learned a few lessons from my experiences and I feel that it is necessary to have some requirements. I know what I want and I am not out to waste my time or yours.
__________
Requirements
1. Have arms (at least one) and two legs so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). Do not take this as an opportunity to pick me up and accidentally drop me in public like an ex-boyfriend of mine once did. If you feel like you need to pick me up, make sure you’re stable and that I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.
2. Do silly things. I love to laugh. I am not interested in people who take life too seriously.
3. Know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.
4. Help me perfect a sangria recipe. This means you will drink a lot of sangria. My last boyfriend tried to help, but drank my sangria too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…
5. Don’t you dare throw up on me.
6. Don’t buy me any jewelry that has fairy dust attached to it.
7. Already have kids? Don’t spend 5 months being mysterious because you’re hiding the fact you have them. Weirdo.
8. Please god don’t be a collector of puppets.
9. Don’t walk through doors and let go so they hit me. Ridiculous.
10. Be ready to kick ass with me during the zombie apocalypse. I will not save a wuss.
11. Don’t call me crazy or give me whiskey. If you call me crazy or give me whiskey, I’ll get feisty and you’ll have 5 feet and 3 inches of fury on your hands.
12. Mine is cute, but no butt stuff, so don’t bother asking more than once (or even at all).
13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.
14. Take care of those talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.
15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I will know you are lying. I have secret powers.
___________
If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.
Just remember, some people consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.
I have arms! Yay….I’m in the running! And I know a thing or two about zombies!
Christopher De Voss is in the lead!
Yes! *fist pump*
You have an ex-boyfriend who collected puppets? No….
We went on a few dates. Read it and weep.
hahahh!
I like your list….and that you have a cape. I think I have a towel I can clip around my neck.
Do it. Mine is just a pink sheet. They’ll never know the difference!
hahahaha ok – I’ll just use a sparkly pin.
Ooooooh good idea. We can bedazzle our capes, too!
yes …and thats where bedazzling stops!
would it be okay to borrow this list, and /or your future husband? i kid.—just the husband.
Get your own, lady!
will do!
I first read it as “don’t be a collector of puppies” I got really scared and then I read puppets and got scareder.
My list includes respect my shoes
Haha, yes, shoes must always be respected. Hopefully the puppets don’t end up in any nightmares. They were faceless, by the way. Faceless puppets.
Wow, it really is a creepy dating world out there, isn’t it? I’m happy to report I’ve never been barfed on except in a professional capacity (in the hospital). Maybe I just wasn’t in the dating pool long enough to experience that treat.
Yes, it is a creepy dating world. So creepy. I’m almost done with it!
Love the list. The no butt rule is the best. And yes, I do get the lying rule too. We women do have super powers when it comes to that. You are Super Hot. Even without a cape. Keep at it missy. You will find a prince. If not a prince, then at least someone that won’t barf on you and makes you laugh. I figure if a man makes me laugh, he’s doable. Giggle.
Aww thank you!
I know, if they make me laugh it’s like they already have my heart. Meanwhile, most of them make me laugh! Really, all you have to do is make me laugh and not throw up on me. Shouldn’t be too hard.
There should be the stipulation that should not be an asshole either.
I kinda want to drink whiskey with you now! Great list!
Thanks. I’m on my way!
This is a good idea. I think I’ll draft a letter to my future husband too.
But Robert Cornelius already has everything you need in a man!
That’s so true. Except for the whole being alive thing.
That whole thing. Details, details.
My mother always did say I was too picky when it came to men. Maybe she’s right.
I’m out, because I think you’re crazy and I’d have to tell you. Oh, and letting the door hit you might be funny if it hit you on the ass. Oops.
Fightin’ words. You best stay away because I’m small, but I’m fast!
Yeah… I kinda think I’m faster. And I kinda think you know it.
I’d loove to test that someday.
No butt stuff? NEXT!
Lance from nsync? Is that you?
No, I am another Lance who likes butt stuff.
My bad, other Lance who likes butt stuff. Carry on.
Oh I will!!!!!
Very creative. You might want to add that not pooping in his pants also means no skid marks.
BTW, IMO humor is the glue for a marriage. My hubby still makes me laugh 28 years later.
Laughter really is the best medicine!
If the guy lets go of the door and it hits you in the butt, does that count as butt stuff? Or do you mean more like how two male rams butt one another with their horns?
Hmph. Yes, I suppose that can count as butt stuff. Smarty pants.
Yeah, I’m pretty darned worldly and sophisticated.
Hence the tips for the ladies. It’s all coming together.
Are these full time requirements? Cause, I mean thats a pretty big list to have too always adhere to. Some stuff sure I get it, no but stuff I have the same rule for mine, but what if like he dropped you once because his arms were tired from fighting the zombie apocalypse. But there were all those times he wanted to drop you and didn’t, shouldn’t he get credit for that? Seems like a tall order.
Okay, there are exceptions for some of these. Like, if you poop on my floor because we were in traffic and you got food poisoning and couldn’t make it to the bathroom on time, I will understand….but you will be cleaning it up. However, if you throw up on me, regardless of the situation, you’re out.
Ok that’s seems a bit more reasonable.
I really hope number 13 didn’t ever actually happen to you. But, if it did, I hope he knew how to use a pooper scooper.
All of these have happened. I got the pants pooper and a friend of mine got floor pooper. I’d be outside dry-heaving.
Pants pooper isn’t as traumatic as floor pooper. Poor thing.
I know. They’re still together, mind you.
That’s true love.
I wrote something similar to this once upon a time and then I met the guy! Actually…I already knew him…we just sort of figured out that we liked each other. (took a damn long enough time.)
Like the secret. Interestingly, that’s exactly what is happening for me.
Awww….guys are so silly…and sweet.
haaaaaa. you are the smartest. I need to follow my MANifestation suit!
Very good future husband list. I compared it to my present husband to see if he was lacking. … Nope, his poop is under control, and he grills SPAM. We’re good.
AND two arms? Lucky!
You don’t want much do you! This is men you are talking about – arms, bowel control and honest? – jeez I’d marry him!
I’m just too picky I guess!
If you lost the requirement for arms you’d be surprised how much bigger the market would be! Just finished series 3 of The Wire – I never would have guessed Avon whacked Stringer!
Might suggest, for legal reasons, that not being married should probably be in there somewhere. Just sayin…
And yet the ones who love me all are. Weird.
You need some kind of sign that indicates married men shouldn’t come near. Maybe like a tazer or something…
That’s a perfecto list for you LaLa
Look, I don’t want to show off or anything, but I DO fill all of your requirements. (Plus some others you didn’t think of: Have all your original teeth, Have all your original elbows, Drink water out of a glass.) So, I will be expecting your proposal in the mail very soon.
Again, I’m not trying to up myself, it’s just well, I’m awesome.
PS: They are carving a statue of me to be placed outside the Lincoln Memorial.
Original teeth? *swoon*
However, this does not beat the marriage proposal/offer of free healthcare I received on twitter last night from a Canadian who likes to dance to Ellen. Now that’s my kinda man.
Oh yeah??? Look into my teeth… look into my teeth…
They’re so….real…..
No pooping on the floor? Talk about high maintenance… (I apologize if that terrible joke has already been made). Oh and awesome list.
I know, I’m so picky. Sue me.
Wait, has that happened?
It has happened…it has indeed. All of it has, unfortunately!
Wow… this list has totally new meaning. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, or a better person… Or Jesus, I don’t know now.
Oh, La La. You’ve been dropped and thrown up on. You’ve been through the ringer. Not to mention the puppets. That’s freaky. You deserve the very best.
Thanks lady. I think I’ve found it
Oh, I hope so! Will he be reading the list…You must make him sign it.
He has read it!
#13 had be legit laughing until I snorted. Did that seriously happen to you?
Also, “well-hung” is missing from the list.
Yes ma’am, it’s all real. Well hung…not sure how I forgot that! haha. Too nervous about the other things I guess
OMG, I was sure you were describing my man, until I realised he gives me whiskey and calls me crazy all the time, phew!
hahaha, phew, you’re good to go, sister.
Good luck!
If i was single… You could reject me!