Hi, future husband? It’s me, your future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.
Listen, we’re going to have so much fun together, but I have learned a few lessons from my experiences and I feel that it is necessary to have some requirements. I know what I want and I am not out to waste my time or yours.
1. Have arms (at least one) and two legs so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). Do not take this as an opportunity to pick me up and accidentally drop me in public like an ex-boyfriend of mine once did. If you feel like you need to pick me up, make sure you’re stable and that I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.
2. Do silly things. I love to laugh. I am not interested in people who take life too seriously.
3. Know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.
4. Help me perfect a sangria recipe. This means you will drink a lot of sangria. My last boyfriend tried to help, but drank my sangria too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…
5. Don’t you dare throw up on me.
6. Don’t buy me any jewelry that has fairy dust attached to it.
7. Already have kids? Don’t spend 5 months being mysterious because you’re hiding the fact you have them. Weirdo.
8. Please god don’t be a collector of puppets.
9. Don’t walk through doors and let go so they hit me. Ridiculous.
10. Be ready to kick ass with me during the zombie apocalypse. I will not save a wuss.
11. Don’t call me crazy or give me whiskey. If you call me crazy or give me whiskey, I’ll get feisty and you’ll have 5 feet and 3 inches of fury on your hands.
12. Mine is cute, but no butt stuff, so don’t bother asking more than once (or even at all).
13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.
14. Take care of those talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.
15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I will know you are lying. I have secret powers.
If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.
Just remember, some people consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.