My Knight in Shining Nakedness

5 Dec

Once upon a time, in the far away land of Charm City, I dated a guy who owned a sword. This was not just any sword, no–it was a magical sword sworn to protect me from intruders (I suggested a baseball bat would be more appropriate, but quickly was told that I “don’t know anything about anything”). So, he became my knight.

The castle he rented was….quaint. It was also filthy and hot, so hot that we had to sleep naked. The entire place smelled like a stinky cat farm, but I didn’t mind because I loved him so and knew that someday we would be married and move to a larger, more majestic castle in Suburbia–a land rumored to have little to no sightings of crack whores. There, so I’m told, I would never again be followed home and robbed, nor would anyone break into my car and have sex in the passenger seat. It sounded like a dream come true and with him, it was going to be like a fairytale.

Oh, sweet illusion!

One HOT summer night, as my naked knight snored soundly next to me, I awoke to a rustling in the room. I peered around once my eyes adjusted to the darkness, but saw nothing. Then I heard it again. Suddenly, my knight shot up out of bed. “Don’t move,” he whispered. I remained still as he grabbed his sword and swiftly thrust it into a pile of clothes lying on the floor.

He flicked on the light switch and there he proudly stood, completely nude, with a BIG mouse on the edge of his sword. I screamed out into the night, absolutely disgusted at the sight of such a vile beast! Why hadn’t he manscaped recently?!

And the dead, bloody mouse was awful, too!

Mice were found everywhere that month, but the knight never did anything about it. One morning I was walking barefoot and stepped on a dead one and was accused of overreacting because I cried.

Things went downhill from there and needless to say, we broke up shortly after.

I was sad, but remained hopeful, dear readers, that someday there would be another knight, perhaps one who relied on modern techniques to rid a house of vermin, and maybe this time we would get to ride off into a sunset.

I so want a sunset.

40 Responses to “My Knight in Shining Nakedness”

  1. Christopher De Voss December 5, 2012 at 3:16 pm #

    Sunset on it’s way.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

      Thank god. :)

      • La La December 5, 2012 at 3:35 pm #

        Duh. Me too!

  2. T. W. Dittmer December 5, 2012 at 3:22 pm #

    Shining armor is over-rated. It just covers nakedness.

    Infestation, however, is another subject. Go for the sunset.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

      Hmm good point…..I will focus on that sunset. Thanks for the tweet! How sweet.

  3. Lori DiNardi December 5, 2012 at 3:28 pm #

    Hmm, he certainly was no Duncan MacLeod (In case you’ve never seen the TV show Highlander, I recommend it, if only for eye candy). Watched Dolly Downer on Rudolph last night and thought of you.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 3:30 pm #

      Haha! Don’t you worry I’ve seen me some Highlander. ;-)

      Checking out the recipe now!

  4. Lori DiNardi December 5, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

    P.S. Winning recipe is on my blog today. Sorry, no pizzelles, but I may post that one in the future.
    http://loreezlane.wordpress.com/2012/12/05/and-the-winner-is-2/

  5. Jen and Tonic December 5, 2012 at 3:55 pm #

    WOW! A guy with a sword. The “fantasy sexy” must have been hot.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

      Haha, he was super skinny and wore giant glasses…so yes, HOT!

      • Jen and Tonic December 5, 2012 at 4:11 pm #

        He was a hipster ninja?!

        • La La December 5, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

          Actually, that describes him perfectly!

  6. Madame Weebles December 5, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

    An unmanscaped, non-useful knight. That’s a real weenie shrinker.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 3:59 pm #

      Haha, you said weenie. There was just something about the sword and the blood and the naked that was like….ew man.

  7. Carrie Rubin December 5, 2012 at 4:23 pm #

    The fair maiden deserves a sunset after that rat fest. Yuck. The only good thing was that at least he didn’t shriek and hide under the bed at the sight of a mouse. That would not be very gallant.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

      I dated a guy who was afraid of spiders, so I know exactly what you mean. He had a great scream for it, too. Oh, Carrie. Life is looking up!

  8. becca3416 December 5, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    At least in the Nutcracker, the prince actually defeats the Rat King. Maybe you could have taken him to see it, and then y’all could still be together! Or maybe you should just keep dating the wrong people and making me laugh by talking about their lack of manscaping.

    • La La December 5, 2012 at 4:39 pm #

      Luckily, I don’t think I’ll have anymore issues in that area! I’m thinking about sharing the other horror stories that lead up to the happy ending though. Thoughts?

  9. Bob December 5, 2012 at 9:44 pm #

    Eewww, you so make me want to move to Baltimore. Sooooo festive.

    • La La December 6, 2012 at 7:42 am #

      So…. festive.

  10. The Bumble Files December 5, 2012 at 11:20 pm #

    La La, what an enchanting tale. Stepping on a dead mouse….shudder.

    • La La December 6, 2012 at 7:44 am #

      Oh I scrubbed the hell out of that foot!

  11. davidhardingblogs December 6, 2012 at 3:01 am #

    Manscaping is underrated. Killing mice with swords is overrated. Thin, glasses wearing nerds are underrated. The Big Bang Theory is overrated. I am underrated. Though I overrate myself. Wait…what am I saying?

    • La La December 6, 2012 at 7:42 am #

      You’re saying you’re a manscaping skinny nerd with giant glasses and I am saying I adore those!

  12. gingerfightback December 6, 2012 at 6:37 am #

    This could be a fairytale

    • La La December 6, 2012 at 7:41 am #

      A scary one!

  13. calahan December 6, 2012 at 4:54 pm #

    For some reason, I imagined this dude slaying that poor mouse with his sword and quoting lines from Lord Of The Rings or begin talking in Renaissance Faire-ese.

    • La La December 6, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

      I wish, I love me some LOTR.

  14. Sandee December 7, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    I had to laugh at the part when you cried after stepping on the mouse — it reminds me of when my boyfriend said he’d caught yet another mouse in my apartment after I went out for a jog — I broke down at that point and cried. “This isn’t funny any more,” I said.

    • La La December 7, 2012 at 11:56 am #

      Hahaha, that is exactly how I felt…it just wasn’t funny anymore!!

  15. Maddie Cochere December 8, 2012 at 1:37 am #

    Editing is a pain in the tush; I miss so much and nearly missed this gem of a story. That naked knight was a dirtbag, and if you didn’t have a new knight on the way, I would bring you to my castle, buy you a new wardrobe, and give you an endless supply of hot dogs, pizza, and wine. But you do have the new knight on the way …

  16. The Hook December 8, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

    I’d say you’ve EARNED that sunset!

    • La La December 8, 2012 at 11:30 pm #

      Thanks darlin’, I’d like to think so. ;-)

  17. The Fat Girl Running December 11, 2012 at 2:52 am #

    I was afraid you were gonna say he stabbed the mouse with his…uh….other “sword”. Bad visual place!

    • La La December 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm #

      Hahahaha I’m so glad that didn’t happen. You make me laugh!

      • The Fat Girl Running December 11, 2012 at 3:34 pm #

        So do you my friend….scary that we have the same sense of humor. Maybe we were twins separated at birth…

  18. vyvacious December 25, 2012 at 7:19 pm #

    Gah, I know most people like Le Clown don’t approve of smiley faces or “HAHA”s but I can’t help it!!

    HAHAHA! This was an awesome story! Especially the part about the lack of manscaping! No bueno! :P

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