La La’s Relationship Advice Column

22 May

Yesterday on Facebook I asked for people to submit questions to me about relationships. I’ve always secretly wanted an advice column in the newspaper and I thought this would give me a chance to try it out.

I am splitting this up into two posts, so don’t fret if your question is not answered below.

Here we go.

 

1. Why do I always have to brush my teeth before kissing my wife? 

Here’s the deal. Boys are stinky pretty much all the time and we women have to deal with it and that’s okay because we love you. So you’re walkin’ around stinkin’ it up like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown while us gals smell like beautifulness and angel nectar because we never poop or sweat. It’s true, we don’t do either of those things. So, you have to brush your teeth before you kiss your wife because she has to smell your putridness all the time–should she really have to taste it, too?

 

2. Does the carpet always match the drapes?

When you think about it, if the carpet always matched the drapes, most women would have bald heads or mohawks. Some women would have pubic highlights that would end up looking like stripes. If this were the 70’s, we would all have afros. Actually, that would be really funny. So, in conclusion, the answer is no, the carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but it would be funny if this were the 70’s and we all had afros. Haha, and oh my god, “disco balls” would play and active role in my sexual vocabulary.

 

3. Is it sweet or perverted that my husband signs his notes and cards to me: “Your Love Muscle”….

WELL, if nothing else, he’s a sneaky wordsmith because we don’t know if he’s referring to his heart or his penis. Very clever indeed, good sir. Is he a husband in love or a husband in lust? We’ll never know for certain, but I’m going to say it’s probably both and that he’s a sweet pervert, just to keep you on your toes.

 

4. My boyfriend doesn’t want to get busy as much as I do. He thinks a dozen or so times a week is fine, but that’s barely enough to get my motor running. What’s the best way to get him to perform his boyfriendly duties to my satisfaction?

I recently faced this same issue. My suggestion is that you dress up as things that guys like–perhaps a food item like chips, for example. Guys love chips. I personally chose to take a bath in whiskey and dress up as football running back Marshawn Lynch and this nearly tripled my weekly sexy time encounters. I yelled, “touchdown!” at the good part, too. He liked that.

 

5. How do I get my boyfriend to propose to me? We’ve talked about it and he says he has a plan, but it hasn’t happened yet!

There are a few simple things you can do that will get him on his knee in no time:

1. Do nice things to his manly bits. Tune his horn…if you know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.

2. Fine. Blowjays. There. I said it.

3. Be passive aggressive about the fact that he’s taking his sweet ass time. Men love that.

 

6. How should I ask my girlfriend to marry me?

It’s hard to think of something original, I know. I think you should surprise her by bursting through the bathroom door while she’s sitting on the toilet and just hand it to her. What a delightful surprise! She will never expect it! (The lady in question 5 can go ahead and roll her eyes because question 6 has nothing to do with her…of course).

 

I hope I was able to offer helpful advice today. I will be back next week to answer more of your questions! In the mean time, please feel free to ask me anything in the comments below!

70 Responses to “La La’s Relationship Advice Column”

  1. jayne May 22, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    you are hilarious!

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 2:53 pm #

      Thanks lady! ;-)

      Like

      • jayne May 22, 2013 at 4:18 pm #

        are those real questions? – the how to get your boyfriend to marry you made me wonder. I would have said – go find another boyfriend who wants to get married – that guy doesn’t

        Like

        • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:32 am #

          Yes. She has been dating him for 10 years…so there’s more to it. Eek.

          Like

          • jayne May 23, 2013 at 11:24 am #

            Hey! I claim no more intelligence on the “love boat”. Maybe , and I think you did a post like this, you should put out your own version of “Rules”.
            1. If your boyfriend hasn’t asked you to marry him – It’s simple. He doesn’t WANT TO MARRY YOU. hugs come with that one.
            2. (mine) What you think is LOVE, may not be HIS version of LOVE. Surprise!!!! haha DO NOT pass “I Do” without exploring that one!

            Like

  2. Le Clown May 22, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

    La La,
    But do I have to put toothpaste on my toothbrush, or can I just dry hump my teeth?
    Le Clown

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

      It puts the toothpaste on the toothbrush…or eats a mint. Either will work and mints will keep your teeth squeaky clean and plaque free, too.

      Like

      • Madame Weebles May 22, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

        “It puts the toothpast on the toothbrush” — PERFECT phrasing.

        Like

      • ashishk29 May 23, 2013 at 6:42 am #

        Creepy but well placed reference :P

        Like

        • La La May 23, 2013 at 10:25 am #

          Thank you. I get creepy sometimes.

          Like

    • twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      Le Clown,
      This made me LOL at my desk. Asshole.
      Twindaddy

      Like

  3. Pixie Girl May 22, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

    I love the third answer to number 5. That’s how I got mine to propose.

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 2:52 pm #

      And now you’re married and it’s a dream come true! The girl who asked will be pleased to hear this.

      Like

      • Pixie Girl May 22, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

        Yup. I’m working on improving your credentials here. Anywhere else that you’d need some testimonials?

        Like

  4. Villanueva May 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    Hahaha, I love the number 1, it reminded me of my wife after drinking beer and I kisses her, she said I have to brush my teeth first but since I’m drunk, I insisted to kiss her without brushing and she kisses me back although I can see her face enduring the stinking smell of beer.

    Like

  5. Nowan Zen May 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    Okay, you just spoiled my entrance wearing a mirrored g-string (thank you very much), so the who “disco balls” idea flew out of the window like a fart in a hurricane.

    And if you’re going to propose, make it memorable and a Kodak Moment, if you will. I like the burst in while she’s enthroned idea. Make sure to take a photo of her expression…you know….Facebook needs such things.

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

      Perfect idea on the Facebook needs. Everyone will be like, “AWW SHE’S SO LUCKY!”

      A fart in a hurricane. Oh you’re funny!

      Like

  6. The Bumble Files May 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    Well done! My personal fav is your answer to number 4. I never thought about dressing up as a chip! Thank you, La La.

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:39 pm #

      Haha, and that’s the day you went home and dressed up as a chip and your husband was like “?!?!?!??!?!??!”

      Like

  7. Nowan Zen May 22, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    BTW, “TOUCHDOWN” is a nice touch. Just make sure there’s no flag on the play.

    Like

    • twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:07 pm #

      But that would mean you’d have to replay the down if the penalty is accepted. There’s nothing wrong with that, right?

      Like

      • Nowan Zen May 22, 2013 at 3:19 pm #

        Nothing wrong with replaying the down. Make sure there’s no unsportsmanlike conduct.

        Like

        • twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

          I’d be more worried about a neutral zone infraction or a false start.

          Like

          • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:36 pm #

            I’m enjoying this football portion of the comment area.

            Like

            • twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:40 pm #

              It is rather humorous.

              Like

  8. Johnny Ojanpera May 22, 2013 at 3:09 pm #

    I have never been made to brush my teeth for a kiss. (18 years) Everyone has morning breathe. My proposal was very complex, and I would never spam the comment box like that. Very funny La La!

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

      When women have morning breath it smells like a bouquet of happiness…. and don’t you forget it!

      Like

      • Johnny Ojanpera May 22, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

        What if I am an exception, and I am exempt from ever brushing my teeth? I agree though, girls are nothing but sweetness.

        Like

        • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:31 am #

          Perhaps you are exempt….lucky bastard!

          Like

          • Johnny Ojanpera May 23, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

            I’m not. You did inspire me to one up you though. Some stinky boys have finesse and residual memories beyond the last time they got a “blowjay”. I appreciate your meanness!

            Like

  9. twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    Dearest La La,
    This was hilarious. Really. Well done. I laughed multiple times.

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:45 pm #

      Glad you laughed. You needed it.

      Like

      • twindaddy May 22, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

        Between you and Eric, I’ve been laughing all day…

        Like

  10. Madame Weebles May 22, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

    Your answer to #6 is my favorite but I like all of them. I also like your sort-of euphemistic “blowjays.”

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

      Were you proposed to whilst on the toilet? I hope.

      Like

    • Jen and Tonic May 22, 2013 at 11:45 pm #

      I love the term “blowjays” almost as much as I love the term “Blowjangles”

      Like

      • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:25 am #

        I just woke Sean up from his slumber and said BLOWJANGLES and giggled furiously. You are to blame. (Thank you).

        Like

  11. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher May 22, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

    Hee hee….you are making Dear Abby weep with joy.

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

      If you see any strange activity with Dear Abby that even lightly represents my answers, you let me know. She’s in for it!

      Like

  12. renxkyoko May 22, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

    OMG ! This is hilarious ! I * laughing out loud “

    Like

  13. livelovedesign2011 May 22, 2013 at 4:34 pm #

    Hilarious!! I think your first round of advice was a success!!!

    Like

    • La La May 22, 2013 at 5:33 pm #

      Thanks. The next round will be quite serious. I wanted to start off with laughs though. ;-)

      Like

  14. Viciously Sweet May 22, 2013 at 7:40 pm #

    I’m into this advice column. I think I would die with joy if someone burst into my bathroom and gave me sparkly jewelry… or even a ring pop.

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:26 am #

      You know what? Me too. As long as it doesn’t fall in!

      Like

  15. oldironhoss May 22, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    Oh Lala -

    Like

  16. onechicklette May 22, 2013 at 11:06 pm #

    How many breakups are you responsible so far?

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:30 am #

      Oh, just my own probably hahaha. :)

      Like

  17. Andrew May 22, 2013 at 11:17 pm #

    They would be bald or mohawks! Why has that point never been made! You are a genius! And that’s not a bad proposal idea either.

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:30 am #

      Your girlfriend can thank me later. I feel that we could make an ultimate list of some kind.

      Like

  18. Monk Monkey May 22, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

    Chips are so sexy right now.

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:27 am #

      I know a monkey who is telling his wife currently about this brilliant idea.

      Like

      • Monk Monkey May 29, 2013 at 6:32 am #

        She thought I said ‘chimps’ so it didn’t work :(

        Like

  19. anibogh May 23, 2013 at 2:21 am #

    Finally some good advice!

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 8:27 am #

      You’re welcome. Let me know how it all goes.

      Like

  20. The Cutter May 23, 2013 at 8:53 am #

    For #1, it works both ways. I know that some women seem to think that they always smell like rainbows and sunshine, but that ain’t the case.

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2013 at 10:24 am #

      I’d say something witty in response, but you know what? You’re right. I went to an all girls school for many years and can’t deny knowing a few of those gals.

      Like

  21. BrainRants May 23, 2013 at 9:01 am #

    OMFG this is funny. Speechless…

    Like

  22. gingerfightback May 23, 2013 at 12:13 pm #

    So wise, so caring, so compassionate and that was just the clean teeth advice

    Like

  23. My Crazy NY Post-Grad Life May 23, 2013 at 11:15 pm #

    Hahahahaha this is great. I just started following you and LOVE your blog! Can’t wait for more posts!

    <3, Charlotte

    Like

  24. David Stewart May 24, 2013 at 10:46 am #

    So THAT’S why I have to brush my teeth! My wife’s not passive aggressive enough, so I never figured it out.

    Like

  25. Anonymous May 24, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    Dear La La,

    Thanks so much for posting this. The timing of it could not have been better. I’ve been dealing with quite the dilemma for the past two weeks now, and am in desperate need of some advice. My lovely lady and I have been on four dinner dates, watched three movies, and enjoyed one afternoon picnic—and she says she’s STILL holding out! Thus far, she’s made up tons of excuses as to why I can’t knock it down. Basically, EVERYBODY knows that Shorty is a “GO”, but, when I try to Schmang it, Shorty says, “No”. Now, I totally respect her decision, but things are getting ridiculous. My friend, Nate, who recently dated her, claims the two of them had sex the first date! Let’s be honest—I’m a normal man, with normal needs, but really—do I gotta plead? Don’t get me wrong, I’m never one to beg, but I know about THREE dudes who fertilized them eggs! It’s boggling my mind. She’s a freak… I just know it. I can’t figure out why I gotta wait. I mean, it’s like, baby girl—do I look like a dummy?? She don’t gotta love me or make hubby. It’s too much. On top of all this, I distinctly recall my friends, Dan & Stan, say they had her doing handstands; now she wants me for her man? Get outta here. She wants us holdin’ hands AND she’s called me up several times, exclaiming how she wants me for her own. Still nothing. The kicker on that one is that she let my boy, Tone, bone OFF THE SCENT OF HIS COLOGNE! Nah, baby. I’m like, no, no, chick, who you think she dealin’ with?? Honestly, I’m just around because I think she’s so thick. Those lips and those hips… mmmm, they make me wanna FLIP. But c’mon – I know my friends Joe & Jimmy didn’t go through all this! The entire situation doesn’t make any sense. I’ve never understood, and probably never will, why it is we have to treat ‘em bad if you wanna get the goods. I asked my boy, Y.H,, the same question – you know what he told me? “You can’t be a good guy. That stuff is for the birds.” Well shit. I showed this girl mad respect and now she wants to go slow? We’ll go out, she’ll hold my hand, she’s callin’ me her fella, and as soon as I try to get the green light… I get yellow. Then, last Saturday night, she comes to the crib actin’ like she wants to pop off – and then starts trippin’ when I try to take her top off!! I don’t know what to do. I’m tryin’ to get her these cavities and it’s not not working out. Holler at me when you get a chance, baby girl. Thanks again.

    Like

  26. The Fat Girl Running May 29, 2013 at 3:08 am #

    Wait! How is it that we are NOT facebook friends? Are you avoiding me? Why? What did I do?

    Like

  27. Nowan Zen May 29, 2013 at 6:52 am #

    While I am quite a fan of hardwood flooring, there have been times when the landing strip has been most appreciated. I’ve also learned through painful experience, to check the water pressure. Flushing in one bathroom while she is grooming in the show of another bathroom can lead to my learning many new and creative names.

    Like

  28. Sean Smithson December 31, 2013 at 2:05 pm #

    1. Are people really having sex a dozen or so times a week? I’m not even sure I’ve had sex a dozen times in 2013?

    2. I need to use that love muscle line, thank you for sharing it.

    3. Blowjays… Just awesome.

    Like

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. La La’s Relationship Advice Column | akramalshatri - May 30, 2013

    […] La La’s Relationship Advice Column. […]

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