Lorie the Lesbian

11 Jun

Once upon a time there lived six lesbian artists in the pink townhouse down the street from me.

I was invited over for a birthday party, which also happened to be a clothing swap and a potluck of foods made only with beets because they were all on a beet diet.

It was a hot, humid day and their air conditioning and shower were both broken, so upon entering the house one was immediately slapped in the face by a putrid scent that I can only describe as “men’s locker room.” I wasn’t there to judge anyone for being stinky, though. I was there to celebrate a birthday and sweat while eating a beet cake.

The birthday girl, Lorie, wore a superman shirt, bike shorts and red sparkly pumps that matched the color of her hair.

For her birthday, she received a tandem bike, a hat and a painting of her own vagina. The painting was given to her by a roommate who had a mustache and wore thick glasses, yellow pants and rainbow suspenders. Now knowing what Lorie looked like under those bike shorts, I wished I had purchased her a gift certificate for a wax. Then again, all the ladies there were quite hairy in general and I, the hairless Sphynx of the room, was the outcast.

The only reason I was invited to the party was because she and my boyfriend at the time were great friends. There was a portrait of her that hung above our bed that she drew of herself, which I found quite odd. When we first moved in together I asked him to take it down, but he said I was being silly. “It’s just art,” he said.

About a month later, I found hidden, recent photos of her in lingerie. Apparently those were “just art,” too. Whatever they were, I ended up burning them at a beach bonfire and told him it was for “artistic purposes.” He didn’t find that very funny.

We broke up a couple of months later, I guess due to artistic differences, and soon I bought my own house.

Two years later, I was sitting on my front porch when the pair rode by my house on the tandem bike she got for her birthday. When they saw me they waved in unison and she dinged the little bike bell with wild abandon. I waved back sarcastically and spent the rest of the day with the below song in my head. I often wonder where she hung that painting of her own vagina.

 

43 Responses to “Lorie the Lesbian”

  1. Katie June 11, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

    Now I know what I want for my birthday! Where can I commission an honest vagina artist? Probably Craigslist.

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

      Katie, I am going to go ahead and say Craigslist is your best bet for vagina artists, haha. Or hit up the local art school?

  2. Carrie Rubin June 11, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

    “Once upon a time there lived six lesbian artists in the pink townhouse down the street from me.”—If that isn’t an opening line for a novel, I don’t know what is…

    • Maddie Cochere June 11, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

      No kidding!

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 1:32 pm #

      I MISS YOU. It would be a very strange novel. Interestingly, my boyfriend married and divorced a woman named Lorie who now likes women. He threw her ring into the ocean. Perhaps I’m just dramatic, but I like to imagine that we were at the beach at the same time and while he was throwing it, I was burning those.

      • Carrie Rubin June 11, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

        See? Another perfect scene for your novel!

        Thank you. I miss the blogging world, too, but in three weeks, I’ve written over 30,000 words and my novel is over half done now, so I suppose I made the right decision. But I like to pop in every now and then. :)

        • La La June 11, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

          Nice work!! I guess it was indeed a good idea–if only I had your motivation. Thanks so much for stopping by and saying hi!!

  3. Maddie Cochere June 11, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

    No one can ever say your life is boring, La La! :-)

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 1:42 pm #

      Sometimes I wish it was a little bit boring.

  4. jennigreenmiller June 11, 2013 at 1:35 pm #

    For a moment there I thought you lived in Portland. Portland’s big on rainbow suspenders and excessive pubic hair.

    • Carrie Rubin June 11, 2013 at 1:38 pm #

      That made me laugh out loud. :)

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

      I have heard that my neighborhood and Portland could be friends! Or lovers. Whatevs. Is that where you live?

      • jennigreenmiller June 13, 2013 at 12:01 pm #

        Yep! Portlandia (if you’ve seen it) gets close. It’s a lovely city.

  5. Nowan Zen June 11, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    There’s just something about the shrubbery you spoke of that makes one wonder why that is considered “attractive” to some. I, personally, am a fan of the hardwoods but who am I to judge. If I wanted hairy, I would go join the Sasquatch Colony.

    Beet birthday cake? Seriously? Isn’t there some law against nature about such things?

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

      Shrubbery. You’re so funny. I guess it would be easier to just let it go and one day you wake up and the whole yard is full of overgrown bushes and weeds and you don’t even know how it got that way and a whole day would be needed just to get things under control so you just keep putting it off….okay I’m getting carried away.

      The cake was rather awful. There aren’t laws about it…yet.

  6. Frivolous Monsters June 11, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    Is that a beetroot cake, or do you have something else in America with the name? I’ve made one chocolate cake with beetroot in and thought it was preety out there as an idea.
    FM

    • La La June 11, 2013 at 2:40 pm #

      Hey! We just call them beets here. It was definitely out there as an idea, although I am not a fan of beets at all. Good to know though that you think the same!

  7. Karen June 11, 2013 at 4:54 pm #

    Wait, was she really a lesbian or did she just say she was one to get men interested in her? (And does that work, ’cause I might try it)

    The bit about them all being a a beet diet made me laugh out loud.

  8. Lori D June 11, 2013 at 7:42 pm #

    Your life reminds me of episodes of Sex and the City. Was the picture your ex had of Lorie (not me, of course), of her vagina too? I’m wondering if wondered what it would be like to be with a hairy p***y instead of a sphinx.

  9. The Bumble Files June 11, 2013 at 8:55 pm #

    Oh my god, this was so colorful! Yes, artistic differences, you must be true to yourself, La La. This made my day.

  10. ksbeth June 11, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

    greeeeeaaaaattttt post

  11. Andrew June 11, 2013 at 10:00 pm #

    I was eating shrimp when I read this. Great for laughing, not for eating shrimp.

    • La La June 12, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

      I apologize…that even makes my stomach hurt.

      • Andrew June 13, 2013 at 1:02 am #

        Haha, it was such a good post. I’m just horrible at meal planning.

  12. David Stewart June 12, 2013 at 5:15 am #

    That was such a wonderfully odd story. The little details make it great. Thanks, as always, for sharing it with the world.

  13. Monk Monkey June 12, 2013 at 5:25 am #

    What is “pumps”?

    • La La June 12, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

      High heel shoes, Monk Monkey. I wouldn’t expect you to know.

  14. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher June 12, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    Now that’s an interesting and bizarro story.

  15. BrainRants June 12, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

    I have no idea what to comment on first… hairy lesbians, beet cake, tandem bikes or vag art… Overwhelming.

    • La La June 12, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

      I’ll invite you next time!

  16. Viciously Sweet June 12, 2013 at 3:10 pm #

    That intro is the new “It was a dark and stormy night” of introductions. When I saw it I knew immediately this post was going to be glorious. And as always you never disappoint. The imagery of her vagina art and her short shorts on that that bike will linger in my mind… Also do you think that would make a good kitchen art piece? Where do you hang that up at?

  17. gingerfightback June 13, 2013 at 3:46 am #

    Downstairs presumably

    • La La June 13, 2013 at 9:31 am #

      I imagine it being hung on the staircase wall as one walks down to the basement….don’t know why.

  18. onechicklette June 13, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    That’s amazing. Every last word of it.

  19. Madame Weebles June 16, 2013 at 4:55 pm #

    See, here’s what I’m curious about. Was the painting done from her modeling her vagina for the artist, was it done from memory, or was it just the artist’s imagination of what her vagina might look like? And did it capture her vag’s true likeness, its personality and quirks, or was it just a staid painted rendition? Because that makes a big difference, you know.

    • La La June 17, 2013 at 10:26 am #

      She did it from a photo, and I didn’t think the painting was good at all. Or was it because it was an ugly vagina? I will go to my grave with these questions and thoughts.

  20. Rohan 7 Things July 4, 2013 at 9:08 am #

    Haha, Lorie was a sucky lesbian lol. And if anyone is still looking for vagina artists you know where to find me. Photo submissions accepted. *said with tongue firmly in cheek, no photos please. Genitals are awesome but I have my reputation (lol) to think about!

    Must have been some guy to convince her to change teams, must have been his “artistic-ness”

    Rohan.

  21. Anonymous August 8, 2013 at 12:54 pm #

    Oh, Lesbians. Perhaps the greatest of all-time is Portia de Rossi, while the worst is Rosie O’Donnell. Ellen’s kind of in-between, but mostly annoying. Let’s face it, Ellen’s a tone version of Rosie without an annoying Fran Drescher-esque laugh and an overwhelming desire to bite John Travolta’s ass. This guy you’re talking about obviously has some weird issues that even Freud would fret diagnosing. I wouldn’t take it personal, he was just a strange douche; although, I am a tidbit bias towards defending cute girls, but c’mon, who does that? Hang a picture of an old flame above a bed?? May as well throw a pic of your sister or aunt up there to increase the awkward levels. Vagina paintings are overrated, too. Who gives a shit. I feel bad you had to experience this and deal with this guy, but I believe good things will come from it :)

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Painting of her own what??? | erickeys - June 11, 2013

    […] think any post that ends in the sentence:”I often wonder where she hung that painting of her own […]

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