Embarrassing Stories

29 Aug

I love that people feel like they can share anything with me. Usually I’m asked to critique poetry, lend an ear, offer an opinion or give honest advice, but my VERY favorite thing is when someone gives me the gift of an embarrassing story.

I know when one’s coming because the person always starts off, “Oh my God, I could never tell anyone else this, but…” and in my head I’m like YES, I should take a bathroom break and grab some popcorn because this is going to be a masterpiece. It usually is, and whether your pants split, you threw up on someone during oral sex or got caught pooping down the chimney of your ex-wife, I’ll never judge, so I understand why people turn to me.

I got permission to share one story from today. Grab a snack, people–this is good.

A girl I know went out on a first date with a guy she had a crush on for years. They went to school together for 12 years, but she was too shy to say anything to him because he was a popular jock and she hadn’t grown into her nose yet and was in the poetry club (been there, sister).

Recently, they began working for the same company. She was surprised when he remembered her and was motherfrigging thrilled a week later when he asked her on a date. She had a new dress to wear, the weather was nice and they went to dinner and had a few drinks and it was perfect blah blah blah.

It was as though she had won the nerdy, hopeless romantic high school kid jackpot, right?

So anyway, he drove her home after the best date ever and when he leaned in to kiss her…she farted.

She farted right when their lips touched, in a silent car, and not only did it sound like a balloon asking a question, but also managed to be the most putrid stench of all the stenches that have ever exited butts.

He laughed so hard through his nose that snot flew out, directly into her mouth. Then, she started laughing hard and farted again and while they both were laughing, she was so embarrassed that she decided to just get out and walk away.

She doesn’t expect to hear from him again, but you never know.

If you have a story that tops this, dear god, please share it. Otherwise, everyone, you’re welcome. Enjoy the rest of your day.

43 Responses to “Embarrassing Stories”

  1. Carrie Rubin August 29, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

    Leave it to La La to give me a reprieve from the dull lecture I’m currently listening to at my board symposium (thank God for iPads). And as usual, you did not disappoint. That story is sad, disgusting, horrifying, and funny all at once, and a reminder that we are but mere humans with no shortage of bodily functions.

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

      Yes! Often that is my goal… escape from something dull for a a laugh about being human. Enjoy that lecture!

      Like

  2. RFL August 29, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    Hahaha! Oh I love a good fart/snot story. I’m pretty happy I can’t top this one today, at least not in a fart/date context.

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 4:29 pm #

      That you do! Glad to hear you have nothing to compare it too. I hope no one does.

      Like

  3. vastlycurious.com August 29, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    Thats hysterical. : )

    Like

  4. The Bumble Files August 29, 2013 at 4:38 pm #

    I can’t top this one, La La. Awesome. It’s hilarious! Thanks for this. I needed it in a big way!!

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

      I did too. Pleased to hear you’re smiling, m’lady.

      Like

  5. Lori D August 29, 2013 at 4:49 pm #

    Doesn’t she have to see him again because she works with him? Can she hide? It sort of reminds me of that commercial where this girl is on a first date, and the guy lets her in the passenger side of the car. When he goes around to the drivers side and she is alone (so she thinks) in the car, she leans sideways and farts a loud one. He gets in the car and then introduces her to their double-date in the backseat. :-)

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 5:27 pm #

      I haven’t seen that, haha. She works on the other side of the building, so hopefully that’s enough not to see him EVERY day if he doesn’t call again. I would be mortified regardless!

      Like

  6. ddupre315 August 29, 2013 at 7:46 pm #

    buaahahahaaaa that’s brilliant. I think he will call…how could he resist?

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 9:18 pm #

      I know I couldn’t! There will always be an adventure, I’m sure.

      Like

  7. Bob August 29, 2013 at 7:58 pm #

    Omfg that is too funny I can’t come close to that! The best first date oops I’ve had is chick trying to bite off a nipple. Needless to say I didn’t take Miss Bitey out again!

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

      Ouch, no one likes that!! She sounds like a dumb dumb.

      Like

      • Bob August 29, 2013 at 9:26 pm #

        Yea she was a real nipper.

        Like

        • La La August 29, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

          Oh you went there. Hahaha

          Like

  8. georgia + darlin' August 29, 2013 at 10:29 pm #

    amazing! oh my, i needed that laugh…

    Like

    • La La August 29, 2013 at 10:30 pm #

      I think many of us did. :)

      Like

  9. gingerfightback August 30, 2013 at 3:23 am #

    I was going to say that left a nasty taste in the mouth…..Brilliant!

    Like

    • La La August 30, 2013 at 7:40 am #

      Hahaha, a salty one, I’m sure of it.

      Like

  10. Diane C August 30, 2013 at 9:32 am #

    I’d bet a buck that he’s going to call her again!

    Like

  11. beingnenne August 30, 2013 at 11:00 am #

    Eeeew! But I have a feeling he will be seeing her again! I know a friend who laughed so hard at her date’s joke that she peed her pants..Not a little drop but completely emptied her bladder. She was so embarrassed and wanted to die. They completed their first wedding anniversary a couple of months ago. :)

    Like

    • La La August 30, 2013 at 11:23 am #

      I’ll tell her that, I think she will appreciate it. ;-)

      Like

  12. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher August 30, 2013 at 11:05 am #

    Some people have all the luck.

    Like

  13. David Stewart August 31, 2013 at 3:59 am #

    Wow, that’s pretty epic. Some stories, it seems, are meant to be repressed forever, or shared on the Internet. :) Thanks for sharing.

    Like

  14. helenmidgley August 31, 2013 at 10:10 am #

    I nearly peed a little, brilliant :)

    Like

  15. talesfromthemotherland August 31, 2013 at 12:20 pm #

    I read a very similar story from another blogger, a few months ago. They ended up getting married, because the guy thought it was so funny, and they’d gotten the worst out on the first date. The other story didn’t have the snot in the mouth… that is a clincher. But it also levels the playing field a little, n’est cest pas?

    Like

  16. calahan September 2, 2013 at 6:22 pm #

    “…like a balloon asking a question” Ha!

    Like

    • La La September 2, 2013 at 7:23 pm #

      Haha I was hoping someone could appreciate that! I can imagine the exact sound.

      Like

  17. Kathleen September 2, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    SPECTACULAR! I’m cryin’, just cryin.

    Like

  18. Kathleen September 2, 2013 at 6:36 pm #

    OK! Not remotely in the ballpark of the greatness of this story, however, I dated a guy briefly in my senior year of high school and we were sucking-face pretty hot and heavy on his bed, and as he came up for air, he drooled substantially on my chest. He just looked at me then looked back at the drool on my chest and said, very calmly, but in a resigned tone, “Oh drool.” The way he said it made me laugh so hard I almost peed my pants. — three decades later, we are still friends.

    Like

  19. dramatiquedesigns September 5, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

    i love this post and i love your blog! would love if you followed me back:) http://www.dramatiquedesigns.wordpress.com

    Like

  20. theclocktowersunset September 5, 2013 at 8:48 pm #

    I know you have a baziillion followers, but I thought your blog is fun so I nominated you for a Liebster award. Can’t hurt to get alittle more exposure. http://theclocktowersunset.wordpress.com/2013/09/04/a-nice-surprise/

    Like

  21. debra colby September 11, 2013 at 9:53 pm #

    Or….turn this around and get a little …um…intimate. I had the wonderful experience of being up close and personal w/a man and while I was being “close and personal” with my face in his “close and personal” area he let one rip…in my face. Thank Heavens it wasn’t putrid…or rank….just a lot of air. But…yeh…we were done for the evening.

    Like

  22. lornalikiza October 31, 2013 at 8:25 am #

    I think the most embarrassing thing to happen on a first date is when you are sitting there all pretty and then suddenly you shower your date with saliva when trying to make a comment. Hope it makes sense how i’ve put it. It comes out like a spray and he’s looking at you wondering what the hell is wrong with you and you are really trying to ignore the heat of embarrassment you feel by trying to launch into another topic.It has happened to me before so i know perfectly how it feels.

    Like

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