We Need To Talk

13 Nov

Listen, we need to talk. Things are getting out of hand with a pretty big issue. It offends me on a regular basis, and I know I’m not alone. You may be an offender, so please sit down for a moment. Whew, I’m nervous.

Okay, deep breath–

I’m here today to discuss your wind chimes. They’re awful.

Before you get upset and think I’m some sort of tranquility hater, please understand that my problem isn’t with actual chimes or the actual wind. I mean, who isn’t enchanted by the chimes in a magical Christmas song? Which one of your souls isn’t soothed by the chimes during a spa massage?

And tell me, who among us would deny the wild, provocative wind its right to tussle our hair about like a playful lover? Who would say no to its gentle caresses? Don’t feel ashamed, I’ve been with the wind. I know how it is, I know.

Your wind chimes, however, are the worst. I get what you’re going for, but there is nothing zen about how aggressive those things can get in the middle of the night while I’m trying to sleep. They’re arrogant, and I don’t like that they formed a gang with the other neighborhood wind chimes. The main objective of this gang? To vandalize my precious patterns of slumber. Dicks.

I need sleep. Everyone needs sleep. Do you wear earplugs every night or something? Are you hard of hearing? Is it that you were hired to slowly drive me insane?

If so, it’s working.

Sometimes I stand on my porch and stare at your wind chimes, hoping they’ll burst into flames, but instead they just continue to hang there and chinkle away, talking loudly and all at once, yet never actually saying anything.

Tink. Jingle. Chatter. Ching.

They’re mocking me, aren’t they? They’re mocking us all.

Owners of wind chimes, it’s time to take action! Your wind chimes are acting like assholes. I heard they’re even bullying children at school, sexually harassing women in the workplace, robbing men at gunpoint and irresponsibly texting while driving. No one is safe!

My best friend recently met wind chimes at the bar and they acted like they were totally into her but after they slept together, they never even called her again. Wasn’t that so immature of wind chimes? Ugh, and they’re all the same.

You know, I wasn’t even going to have this chat with you, but I saw on the news last night that your wind chimes are rumored to be harboring missiles and were seen hanging out with Robin Thicke for the last 3 weekends in a row. This, my friend, is where I drew the line.

I care for you and I don’t want you to be associated with terrorism and misogyny, you know? You’re better than this. We both know it.

So, I think you know what to do next. Your reputation and my sanity are on the line.

Thank you.

Love,

Lauren

61 Responses to “We Need To Talk”

  1. Kathleen November 13, 2013 at 1:51 pm #

    You were too kind. Hey windchimes! Hey people’s sucky loud music in their car! NO ONE wants to hear your crap IN THEIR HOUSE.

    EVER.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

      And here I thought calling wind chimes the new terrorist would get my point across.

      Like

      • Kathleen November 13, 2013 at 2:21 pm #

        Still too kind. In theory one can shoot a terrorist. You know what happens when you shoot a windchime? It chimes! And maybe shatters a piece off leaving the rest intact . . . It’s also possible I have other issues :D
        xoxoxo

        Like

  2. mollytopia November 13, 2013 at 1:55 pm #

    Oh my gahhhhd I HATE wind chimes too! They should be outlawed unless there is a minimum of one square mile between your house and your nearest neighbor. Excellent post!

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 1:57 pm #

      Thank you for your comment, miss topia. I mean, get your wind chimes on in a controlled environment, you know? Take them down at night. SOMETHING.

      Like

  3. cynkingfeeling November 13, 2013 at 1:59 pm #

    I will forever associate wind chimes with an episode of “X-Files” in which a pair of wind chimes in a gated community (something in violation of the homeowner association’s rules) gets a resident killed by a mysterious entity.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:02 pm #

      See? This is exactly what I’m talking about. Thank you for backing up my research. ;-)

      Like

  4. gingerfightback November 13, 2013 at 2:07 pm #

    With you sister – we had a set in the back garden – they are no more…….

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:08 pm #

      You burned them, I hope. They can come back from the dead otherwise.

      Like

      • gingerfightback November 13, 2013 at 2:24 pm #

        Viking style – lovely to watch as they sank in the shallow end of the local swimming pool.

        Like

  5. Carrie Rubin November 13, 2013 at 2:12 pm #

    I couldn’t imagine having to hear that during the night. I’m such a light sleeper, I’d go insane. Thank goodness my neighbors are wind-chime free. Their dogs, on the other hand, are not bark-free.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:14 pm #

      After a certain number of days, you might even go Carrie on them. I hope the dogs aren’t barking all night!

      Like

      • Carrie Rubin November 13, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

        Thankfully no. They’re inside during the night. It’s just those early Saturday and Sunday mornings when I’m trying to sleep in.

        Like

  6. Katie November 13, 2013 at 2:19 pm #

    HA!!!! I love this so much. It’s the small tinkling ones that are the worst. Wind chimes are the xylophone of hell.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

      When people get to hell they are paired with a roommate and it’s ALWAYS someone who plays the xylophone and has wind chimes even though you’re all in apartments and everyone has to hear all of it while babies cry.

      I’ve been enjoying creeping on your instagram, by the way!

      Like

  7. RFL November 13, 2013 at 2:25 pm #

    My kickass bagpipe solo would be more soothing. Wind chimes are terrible.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:27 pm #

      Yes, because the bagpipe is emotionally moving. You’re invited here to show up the people in this neighborhood with some Amazing Grace.

      Like

      • RFL November 13, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

        Ah yes, when played correctly it is. I had a professor in college play one in a lecture hall in college when he didn’t know any notes, and it was not. That’s the kind of solo I would perform for your wind chime neighbors :)

        Like

        • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:55 pm #

          So either way it would bring tears!

          Like

    • herdthinner November 13, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

      I love bagpipes! I used to attend a church where a member sometimes played pipes for us. It was, pardon the pun, heavenly to hear his offertory songs.

      Like

  8. Madame Weebles November 13, 2013 at 2:32 pm #

    When I saw the words “Listen, we need to talk,” I automatically got a knot in my stomach and a lump in my throat, and immediately flashed back to pretty much every relationship I ever had before Mr. Weebles. Is that wrong?

    Windchimes SUCK. I hate them. It’s like they’re saying “LISTEN TO HOW CALMING AND SOOTHING WE ARE!!! ISN’T IT TRANQUIL AND PEACEFUL????” They need to be stopped. The only way to get back your zen is to take those windchimes and shove them up the behinds of the sick freaks who put them up in an effort to be all new agey and shit.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

      Seriously. They are so boastful considering it’s just clamor on strings. Let’s put other stuff on strings and make a fortune.

      Like

      • Madame Weebles November 13, 2013 at 2:44 pm #

        YES.

        Like

        • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

          I’m sending you mental messages about it. Our higher selves will collaborate and we won’t even need the assistance of wind chimes. Aaaaand go.

          Like

  9. Jen and Tonic November 13, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    I used to live in an apartment where my neighbor had no less than 20 windchimes hanging from her deck. I wish I was kidding. It is windy as FUCK here in Oregon so those things were going off all the time. We had a storm one night, and it blew all but 3 windchimes down, and I laughed when I got up in the morning and saw them laying in the grass, looking dead and defeated.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:45 pm #

      HAHA, suckers. Portland probably has a lot of wind chimes, no? I’ll have to remember that when deciding where to move if that does indeed happen someday….

      Like

      • Jen and Tonic November 13, 2013 at 2:48 pm #

        So does Seattle. “Oh, it’s so windy here in the PNW. Let’s all annoy the fuck out of our neighbors by owning windchimes and windsocks.”

        Like

        • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

          Haha, Sean is going to be so pissed!

          Like

  10. uniquelymeme November 13, 2013 at 2:43 pm #

    THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS!!! I have always felt weird about wind chimes haha

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:50 pm #

      Aw thank you! I’m glad you agree. Apparently, a lot of people do!

      Like

  11. ridicuryder November 13, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

    LaLa,
    These wind chimes have triggered your psyche, only how isn’t exactly clear yet. Start putting your garbage out in the middle of the night (when it isn’t garbage day) and shaving creaming your name on cars parked along your street…..sleep walking is your new thing. After apologizing to your neighbors and discussing the problem with your physician / therapist it won’t really come as a surprise to anyone that you are running a leaf blower at 3AM on a porch in your pajamas.

    Does a tree make a sound when it falls alone in a forest?

    Do wind chimes chime a foot away from the 80 mile an hour discharge of a leaf blower?

    Restless minds everywhere await these answers.
    RR
    p.s. did the ponies like those carrots?

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 2:54 pm #

      Did you just hypnotize me? I suppose the next time I hear a leaf blower at 3 AM, I’ll know you’re near!

      Um, the ponies broke into our cooler and ate a bag of chips and enjoyed the hell out of them, so it’s kind of the same. ;)

      Like

      • ridicuryder November 13, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

        When I’m around it’s usually an angle grinder slicing into playground equipment.

        This kink you have for cold potato chips probably means something sinister, obviously the ponies are onto you.

        Like

        • La La November 13, 2013 at 4:30 pm #

          Damnit, I knew those ponies were reading my damn emails!

          Like

          • ridicuryder November 13, 2013 at 4:44 pm #

            At least you weren’t cornered by a pack of porcupines and told to strip…..that’s when you really know you’ve crossed the line.

            Like

            • La La November 13, 2013 at 4:46 pm #

              That’s never happened. At least I don’t think so…

              Like

  12. jayne November 13, 2013 at 3:22 pm #

    I have already taken mine down a month ago when they were driving me crazy. I’ve gotten up in the middle of the night like a zombie toward the sound to take them down. Hope they stop around you.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 4:17 pm #

      Haha thanks. You did the right thing!!

      Like

  13. biancacmarais November 13, 2013 at 4:01 pm #

    Yes! So glad someone finally took a stand and said “enough’s enough!” I wasn’t strong enough to do that so I tiptoed outside at night while staying at a friend and took them down, and then woke before dawn to put them back up again. Damn things are supposed to be relaxing but they’re not. Discordant bastards.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 4:20 pm #

      Ok well to be honest that isn’t a bad idea, haha. I had to say something after the 3 hours of sleep I got last night. Next time I’m going out there. It’s on!

      Like

  14. Twindaddy November 13, 2013 at 6:00 pm #

    Wind chimes are evil bastards. Just like the defrost button is…

    Like

  15. Trent Lewin November 13, 2013 at 9:24 pm #

    Interestingly, the sound of typical wind chimes operates in the 19 Hz range, which is a somewhat famous auditory range. There is a sound, almost a vibration, released at that frequency that brings about anxiety in people by triggering a subtle reflex action (not a physical one). There has been some research on this frequency; inevitably, haunted houses and other haunted locations have been tested and been found to be emitting a sound frequency in this range. Symptoms include anxiety, irritation, and aggressive behaviour; general disquiet is very common. Quite often, the culprits are ventilation fans that are poorly-balanced, or heating registers that have been modulated to constrict air flow in such a way as to create the required vibration. Most of the scientific research on debunking so-called haunted locations has specifically targeted the 19 Hz frequency, and in many occasions has found this background noise to be present. Coincidentally, wind chimes operate in just about the 19 Hz frequency, and thus also typically result in irritation and aggressive behaviour. Your post seems to be a case in point. Also, I made the above up. Please never listen to me or take me seriously. And don’t call me shirley.

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 9:33 pm #

      Damn you, I thought you were about to go all universe on me about raising my vibration and for 2 seconds I was like duuude. Only 2 seconds though, so don’t get too excited. Also, I love when you hang out here and I need to start visiting with you more often. :)

      Like

      • Trent Lewin November 13, 2013 at 9:45 pm #

        Dang, I shoulda taken it to the next level… Visit anytime, though I warn you, I ain’t a real blogger. I’m not even a real Lewin. I just write-writa the short story, which apparently (annoyingly enough) is way too long a format for most people to read. I suck. But you are welcome to visit the suckitude on display anytime, as you make me laugh.

        Like

        • La La November 13, 2013 at 9:49 pm #

          Hey, I spent 2 and a half hours on wind chimes, and yet still I am sitting in my house drinking and listening to them as I type this. I’m all for suckitude. And sarcasm. Whatevs. :)

          Like

  16. herdthinner November 13, 2013 at 9:58 pm #

    People… still hang windchimes???

    That in itself has stopped my cognitive processes in their tracks. Cannolongerthiiiiiinkahhhhhh

    Like

    • La La November 13, 2013 at 10:05 pm #

      Oh god, I hope you’re okay. I know that’s a lot of information to process!

      Like

  17. jackiemallon November 13, 2013 at 11:25 pm #

    And here I thought wind chimes had been and gone along with Tom Jones…My mistake :-)

    Like

    • La La November 14, 2013 at 3:34 pm #

      Serious mistake, miss. ;-)

      Like

  18. becca3416 November 14, 2013 at 1:09 am #

    Oh shit. I can only tell you this because you are my friend, and I trust that you won’t murder me or my wind chime or disown me. I HATE wind, and I love wind chimes. Ironic, isn’t it?

    Like

    • La La November 15, 2013 at 3:23 pm #

      That is odd. Don’t be surprised if they come after you now that you’ve admitted it on basically the most popular place on all of the internets.

      Like

  19. ddupre315 November 14, 2013 at 10:13 am #

    Epic Rant!

    Like

  20. Lori D November 14, 2013 at 5:38 pm #

    Ever so carefully…quietly removing my wind chimes under the dark of night and slinking back inside my house to hide. My ass can’t take another chewing (and God knows I wouldn’t want to be responsible for world terrorism). ;-)

    Like

    • La La November 15, 2013 at 3:21 pm #

      Hahaha, the government thanks you!

      Like

  21. ZakcHead November 19, 2013 at 9:51 pm #

    You are cute !

    Like

  22. The Spooked Horse November 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm #

    Wind chimes are the worst in Florida…

    Like

  23. rocha harris December 16, 2013 at 12:25 pm #

    We can converse about anything?? I’m All ears.. I the best person you should to talk to resolve..

    Like

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