Listen, we need to talk. Things are getting out of hand with a pretty big issue. It offends me on a regular basis, and I know I’m not alone. You may be an offender, so please sit down for a moment. Whew, I’m nervous.
Okay, deep breath–
I’m here today to discuss your wind chimes. They’re awful.
Before you get upset and think I’m some sort of tranquility hater, please understand that my problem isn’t with actual chimes or the actual wind. I mean, who isn’t enchanted by the chimes in a magical Christmas song? Which one of your souls isn’t soothed by the chimes during a spa massage?
And tell me, who among us would deny the wild, provocative wind its right to tussle our hair about like a playful lover? Who would say no to its gentle caresses? Don’t feel ashamed, I’ve been with the wind. I know how it is, I know.
Your wind chimes, however, are the worst. I get what you’re going for, but there is nothing zen about how aggressive those things can get in the middle of the night while I’m trying to sleep. They’re arrogant, and I don’t like that they formed a gang with the other neighborhood wind chimes. The main objective of this gang? To vandalize my precious patterns of slumber. Dicks.
I need sleep. Everyone needs sleep. Do you wear earplugs every night or something? Are you hard of hearing? Is it that you were hired to slowly drive me insane?
If so, it’s working.
Sometimes I stand on my porch and stare at your wind chimes, hoping they’ll burst into flames, but instead they just continue to hang there and chinkle away, talking loudly and all at once, yet never actually saying anything.
Tink. Jingle. Chatter. Ching.
They’re mocking me, aren’t they? They’re mocking us all.
Owners of wind chimes, it’s time to take action! Your wind chimes are acting like assholes. I heard they’re even bullying children at school, sexually harassing women in the workplace, robbing men at gunpoint and irresponsibly texting while driving. No one is safe!
My best friend recently met wind chimes at the bar and they acted like they were totally into her but after they slept together, they never even called her again. Wasn’t that so immature of wind chimes? Ugh, and they’re all the same.
You know, I wasn’t even going to have this chat with you, but I saw on the news last night that your wind chimes are rumored to be harboring missiles and were seen hanging out with Robin Thicke for the last 3 weekends in a row. This, my friend, is where I drew the line.
I care for you and I don’t want you to be associated with terrorism and misogyny, you know? You’re better than this. We both know it.
So, I think you know what to do next. Your reputation and my sanity are on the line.