Hey, Jen and Tonic! Happy Birthday! This morning I got you a cake…
but then, for some reason, that guy put his peen near it. Rude.
So I was like, clearly I can’t give her a wiener cake, so I got you another, but this happened:
Um, hello? Sir? Yes, you there, with the muscles. Maybe we wanted to eat that cake. How inconsiderate of you to just pop out of it like that. Did you ever think that maybe we just genuinely wanted to sit around and eat a delicious cake? God.
Then I had a great idea–a personal cake from the bakery…
…but they put the wrong name on your gorgeous Tom Selleck cake. I couldn’t believe it.
On my walk home I tried to think of what I’d tell you about the cake. Surely you wouldn’t believe me when I explained that a guy tried to put his dick in the first one and Muscles McGillicutty ruined the second and that the third was perfect, but had the wrong name.
Suddenly, I saw some cute animals in the distance that would make it all better. I guess their handlers had to come too, I don’t know why. Whatever, just ignore them.
Ugh, what the hell!? I uninvited that last guy! I don’t know how he got here. I apologize, Jen. Seriously.
Anyway, I hope you’re having a delightful day. Happy Birthday!