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Strange Creatures

12 May

Last night I was sitting on the couch daydreaming about Bahia Honda and our upcoming trip to the Florida Keys when out of the corner of my eye I saw my boyfriend examining his stomach.

Me: What are you doing?

Him: I think it’s weird how your stomach feels soft and beautiful and mine is like furry, gritty sandpaper.

Me: ……….

Him: Girls are such strange creatures.

Book Design/Logo Progress

28 Mar

Waiting for someone to complete a design that will represent your published work is extremely exciting and nerve-racking, especially when it feels like it’s taking forrrevvveeerrrrr.

Throughout this entire process, I’ve learned that patience is key. One of the top issues that critics have with books that are “self-published,” is a lack of professional quality. That quality will only come from taking the time to research publishing and design and from hiring a designer if you aren’t one yourself. I have two designers, one is creating my logo and the other, my boyfriend, is designing the book. Without them, I would end up with a random picture with the title on it…..something like this:

ohmy

Regardless of whether that’s a great read, I found the cover on lousybookcovers.com and lord knows none of us want to end up there.

So, if you choose the path of self-publishing, try to be patient. Every aspect of the book deserves special attention if you want to end up with excellent quality. Also, if your designer is cool enough, he might share the progress with you so you don’t go super insane while waiting “forrevvvveeerrr” for the final (which is coming soon!):

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You can check out Jeremy Friend’s work and process on instagram @jeremyfriend and at www.jeremyfriend.com.


How to Winter

3 Mar

Based on personal experience and observations of others, this is how to winter:

  1. Celebrate drink-related fake things during the week like “Taco Tuesday” and “Wine Wednesday” because as you age you suddenly need a reason to drink too many margaritas or glasses of wine on a weeknight.

  2. Look super pale and deathly like the objectified models in ads that can embed themselves into the subconscious mind (you go, girl!)

  3. Stare out into the night with your hand on the window and sing a made up, melancholic song to confuse your boyfriend. They like that.

  4. Sled or ice skate, I guess, if you like that sort of thing.

  5. Get out of town with your hubby for a weekend getaway to Cabo or the Caymans or whatever! Or, if you’re poor or single, or both, try wearing a bikini and cranking up the heat one evening and just pretend! It’s all the same!

  6. Complain about winter on Facebook until it finally gets God’s attention.

  7. Wrap yourself up in a blanket like a burrito. That’s fun.

  8. Try to blog, but delete every post because “it’s dumb.”

  9. Don’t worry about completing posts, especially when your boyfriend is loudly singing Janis Joplin in your ear. It’s distracting.

Top Six Holiday Must-Haves!

12 Dec

Christmas is almost here! Still not sure what to buy for that picky special someone? You came to the right place because today I am highlighting THE holiday must-haves this season. These festive gift ideas are bound to delight your loved ones and may even leave a few speechless!! Fun!!!!!!!

 

1. Why not show your parents how much you love them this year with a super stylish scorpion chair? It’s 6.5 feet tall and will look great in any house. And guess what? It’s only $5,750!

terrible

  

2. This unique 2015 calendar features pooping dogs–perfect for the mother-in-law or your boss who has everything.

dogscalendar

  

3. A Guy Will Rub Condiments On His Chest for $11.79+. Your surprised girlfriend of three years will scream things like “What the hell is wrong with you, Steve!?” and “I wish you were dead!” She’ll get over herself pretty quickly though because this guy is truly a fun treat!!

guy   

4. You know how your picky cat loves wearing clothes? Well he will REALLY love wearing his new lion mane cat hat which also happens to make him look like he’s in a hair band! Just look at this cuddly little guy! Adorbs!

happycat    

5. Blow his mind this Christmas with a leather banana holder for his bike. He needs this, chica. Only $55.00!

holder

  

6. I don’t know about you guys, but my Facebook feed is simply packed with goodies like ultrasounds and depressing news. Try ignoring the bad news and celebrate the gift of life (hopefully!) with your favorite pregnant couple this Christmas by stealing the ultrasound and getting a 3D print of the unborn fetus! They will feel so special and will definitely have a place to put it.

printing

  

That’s it! Gosh, I just love Christmas!!!!!! You can find more delights at odditymall.com. Happy Holidays, everyone!

Drafts

26 Nov

I am thankful today and every day for family and friends, Rod Stewart, my unusual drafts on WordPress and, excitingly, my ability to finally complete a first draft of a book. Yay!

Seriously though, my unfinished WordPress drafts are weird. There are a few pieces I’ve started that make even me curious to know what I was planning to discuss and it would seem that the common themes throughout mirror those found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (meaningless puzzles, nonsense, dreams, loss of innocence and so on).

My favorite draft, and I have no idea where I was going with this, is from a year ago and it simply says, “Your smaller boob doesn’t define…”

I’m sure whatever I was planning would have been laden with award-winning thoughts and unfortunately, we will never have the pleasure of exploring the depths of such profound intellect.

So, feel free to finish the sentence. I’d love to know what you think was coming next. The only thing I’ve come up with so far is “Your smaller boob doesn’t define you.” If that’s what I was going for, would I not have just completed the sentence with the word “you?” Was I really too busy to do that? Who knows.

Otherwise, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

turkeylurkeydoo

1 Corinthians 13:14-32

4 Nov

The following is a glimpse into my book of poetry. This goes out to all who have found true love, an eternal flame–for we are the lucky few who deeply and completely understand love at its very core. Thank you for reading.

 

swans

 

Love is patient, love is kind,
it does not envy,
it protects, trusts and hopes
and all that jazz,
but mostly it requires a sense of humor–

like for when a dude watches you
put on pantyhose
or when your lady hears
you burping and peeing simultaneously.

Love is snoring,
endless sports and shows like Deadliest Catch.
It is killing spiders, boob sweat
and listening to her cry
when even she does not know
why it is happening.

Love always preserves
and it never fails,
especially when we all practice
fart management.

The Rest of the Lessons

30 Sep

Tomorrow is my birthday and there are 10 more lessons to go, so really this was just accidental, excellent timing. Cool.

 

20. If someone wants to spend time with you, he or she will. So…don’t stalk people. That’s weird. They don’t like it.

21. Gossip is for the birds. The gossipy adult men in my workplace are worse than high school girls and it is an unattractive quality no matter what your age or gender may be.

22. Be kind. For example, if you live in a townhouse, take down your wind chimes on nights that are windy as frick so your neighbors can sleep. This one is mostly just for my neighbor. Please consider this, neighbor, for my sanity.

23. Don’t take advantage of kind people. Assholes.

24. Take responsibility for your actions and own up. I’m tired of slimy, pathetic people who lie either to get what they want or lie to get out of trouble. Others will respect you for taking responsibility for your actions. Including farts. Take responsibility for those.

25. Give positive feedback and thanks to the people who work with you, for you, in customer service, your husband/wife/kids, students, anyone who does you favors etc. If you don’t, don’t be surprised when you find a human poop on your car. Underappreciation will impact the quality and loyalty of relationships, business and so on. I suppose I should be clear that I haven’t left a poop on any cars. Just thought about it. Intently.

26. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. This one is extremely important to me. Vulnerability is powerful. We live in a society that numbs vulnerability because most people see it as a weakness. I’d love to say more, but just understand that vulnerability is necessary for connection.

27. Everything in moderation. Except when it comes to drinking at your best friend’s wedding, of course. Go ahead and get trashed for that.

28. Food will not solve your problems. Not even cake or delicious Cheetos. I know, this is terrible news because I would do anything to have my problems solved by chicken wings. By all means, eat the cake and Cheetos and wings, but don’t allow food to numb feelings about what really is happening (whatever that may be).

29. No one knows what you are thinking. Voice that shit!

30. As important as it is to be you, you have to at least look like you give a shit. Don’t smell bad. Brush your hair.  That stuff.

 

I have to go drink expensive champagne now. Let’s do this thing!

Lesson #19 – Understanding Dudes

30 Sep

Women are constantly trying to crack the code that is men. Sometimes I think we drive ourselves crazy wondering why men do the things they do, say the things they say, smell the way they smell and so on. It gets worse once you’ve been dumped a couple of times, and the conclusion often made with other friends who were dumped a couple of times is that “men are idiots.” Actually, some men even give that as an answer.

In my mid-twenties, I chose a novel approach to tackle this issue because I refused to accept “men are idiots” as an answer. It wasn’t an easy process, and if you consider doing the same, I’m warning you now that you may face many perils on your journey.

The groundbreaking, controversial method of which I speak? I talked. To men. And asked questions. Doing this requires an open mind, patience, the ability to hear what they have to say and most importantly, a sense of humor.

What I found was that I am capable of communicating with men, like some kind of man whisperer or something. In short, I learned they are not all the same, and the majority were not afraid of feelings.

I also learned to think more like a man and that having the male perspective is valuable for plenty of reasons (dealing with a male boss, for example). The opportunity to talk to men helped me understand them better and as an unexpected bonus, it taught me more about who I am as a woman. Thanks, dudes!

Lesson #18 – Stay Creative

25 Sep

It isn’t always easy, is it? Thankfully, I’ve learned that to stay creative I need to:

 

  1. Surround myself with creative people.

  2. As I said in my last post, go places and watch people.

3. Collaborate.

  1. Write ideas down when I have them.

  2. Never force it!

 

I’m sure there are plenty of others, but those are at the top of my list. Feel free to share the ways you stay creative!

Lessons #16 and #17 – Oh, The Places You’ll Go! (and People Watch)

24 Sep

I’ve learned I need to go places. It doesn’t always need to be new places, just places.

I like exploring cities and challenging my comfort zone, which never fails to provide stories, especially when I interact with people or observe others. As a bonus, going places and people watching almost always gives me a jolt of creative energy. When I’m with friends, this usually leads to creating little adventures starring the people we’re watching, or we play games like “angry at each other or awkward first date? and “bluetooth headset or schizophrenic?”

To be clear, I don’t just sit there judging folks to make myself feel better, nor am I that elderly lady on the bench at every mall who stares and, due to hearing loss, loudly draws attention to freaks and bowlegged kids. When done the way I’m referring to, people watching is an art that enhances the brain by allowing us to discover, study, and play make-believe.

Skill in observation also denotes intelligence. It gives us the ability to notice subtle cues so we can react to situations/people more tactfully. Going out and observing others is when I’m at my Sherlock Holmes-iest. All I need is that pipe game!

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