Archive by Author

Captured

23 Apr

I want to frame your kisses,
write them down, keep them in deep pockets
and tightened in jars.

Much like a starlit sky,
warm summer sand
or the wowest we’ve ever felt (x infinity),

if only I could keep them (these magic moments),

I’d never have to wish for them ever,
not even once,
ever again.

National Pet Day!

11 Apr

April 11 is National Pet Day (apparently)! Don’t worry, I’m not here to make you feel sad about unadopted animals. I just want to talk about my cutest dog pup face littlest guy ever–except he’s an extra large, 3-year-old Flat-Coated Retrieverish Mix.

 

petday

 

His name is Porter, but he also goes by the nicknames Portman, Portmand, Oregon, P-Money and Cutest Fluff Guy (which I say in a high-pitched voice as I squeeze him so hard that his eyes pop out of his cutest fluff face).

His interests include rolling in bunny poo, chasing his tail and catching frisbees (he can catch like 12 in a row, I don’t know how he does it). He may be playful, but he is also a fancy, scholarly gentleman with a bombass princely tail that flows in the wind.

 

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Good day, kind sir.

 

The day I got him at the SPCA was the best day ever. Porter was in the back of his cage in a little squeaky hammock and was said to be lethargic and unsociable. When I took him out, he was stinky and pieces of hay were sticking out of his fur, but we immediately clicked. Two days after having him home, I was reading through his paperwork and found that he was a total slug because they forgot to give him pain medication after having surgery a few days prior. Poor guy. Once he got his medication, he was great!

So that’s all I have to say, really. I love him. Go hug your pets and have a lovely weekend!

 

Oh, Hello, I’m Drunk

2 Apr

Oh hi, everyone. I’m drunky at the bar on a Wednesday watching baseball. Whatevs. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Lots of balls up in baseball. Long ball. Curve ball. Balls in general.

2. This bar is a sausage fest. Mmmm, sausage. No, but seriously. Lots of dudes.

3. Just had a shot of tequila. It’s gross, but I pulled it off as a sassy shimmy.

4. Yay sports!

5. My boyfriend just said “if I came back and there was caviar here, I wouldn’t be mad.” So he’s maybe wasted (don’t worry, MADD, we’re walking home).

6. I just showed this to him and he said he didn’t say it and now he’s talking about Seinfeld while I’m typing.

7. Now he’s singing Lady Gaga.

8. I just played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on the jukebox. Gonna play it again soon.

9. Can’t wait to go to the beach and swim with exotic animals and run away in the Honduran jungle and become their island princess queen.

10. Seriously. It will be so romantic and my dude will hold me like in those romancey novel covers and then I am going to hold a monkey and swim with jaguars and ride a horse down the beach with wind in my hair and you are all gonna be jeeeeelous.

11. Sean just told me to say Michael Jordan playing for the White Sox was amazing and ’90s Ken Griffey Jr. was also neat.

12. The bartender just made fun of the way I say “huh?” and my response was to make my monkey face and now they’re talking about the monkey face. I’m leaving. Bye. I love you guys. So much.

13. PS – Sean just said “the last time I saw 3 balls and 2 strikes, I was at a circus.” (K, bud.)

14. He told me to add “circus in Tijuana” but I don’t feel like editing.

15. He’s lucky he’s cute. :)

16. Him: Baby wants mozzarellas?
Me: Sure.
Him: You are my Sicilian baby queen.
Me: (900 million smiles for infinity miles and stuff)

A Trip To David’s Bridal

2 Apr

Wedding season is quickly approaching and on Monday I finally had to suck it up and go to David’s Bridal to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. This was my first trip to a bridal store of any kind, and this one happens to be in an iffy neighborhood, so I was basically having an anxiety attack about it, especially because of the feedback I got from Yelp reviews:

“It was obnoxious seeing trashy girls in neon yellow dresses parading all over the place with midriffs and cleavage hanging out. Especially in the location of Maryland this David’s is located.”

and:

“I didn’t appreciate the tiny dressing rooms or the communal area for brides to show their dresses to friends/family. Why? Because I didn’t appreciate the screaming kids or the creepy dads/fiancés/other males staring at me and commenting like I was a piece of meat, all the while they were there to support someone else. I felt so gross!”

 

My personal trip to David’s Bridal, however, was a godsend. We were in and out of the store within 18 minutes, there were zero screaming children, no creepers, and the dress was on sale and fit perfectly. It was astounding, really. Only a true bridesmaid ninja could pull that kind of thing off.

Relieved about the ease of the trip, we exited the parking lot and gaily rolled up to a red light. I began telling my mom a story about my ridiculous boss when suddenly she squinted and cut me off–”Wait, is that a dancing nun?” she asked.

I looked over and sure enough, a nun was dancing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. We were so in awe that neither of us could blink or utter a single word. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see a nun jamming out on the corner at 4:45 pm on a Monday (or ever) and I swear to you that not even the hand of God could have stopped her groove.

Then a miraculous thing happened right when the light turned green–the nun whipped around and startled us with an unexpected, prominent five o’clock shadow.

Our jaws dropped in unison before my mom yelled “Heavens! A transvestite nun!? A drag queen!”

I was howling.

As we drove off, I peered in the side view mirror just in time to see Sister Mary Fabulous working it across the street like she owned everything within a 20 mile radius. “Bless her,” I thought to myself, “I wish I could have that kind of confidence.”

I guess that might seem like an odd thing to think about a guy dressed as a nun. Was this prostitution? Is Monday a good day for a drag show? Was it just a crazy guy?

These are questions that will never be answered. Trust me, though, if you saw that strut you would have prayed for some of Sister Mister’s confidence, too.

 

nunnery
 

Once again, thank you to Jon from Pastrami Basket for a surprisingly accurate interpretation!

Stupid Ricky

25 Mar

So, you guys remember my nemesis, Ricky, right? The guy I work with? You know, the guy who didn’t laugh at my Steely Dan joke about losing my number because apparently “he didn’t know the song” and, subsequently, lost my number?

Well, I don’t know how many more nights I could lie awake wondering if Ricky actually lost my office number, if he truly didn’t know the song or if he was just being a dick.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever learn the truth.

However, during another meeting a few days ago, as I stared at Ricky to see if I could catch a glimpse of the dark soul that surely exists underneath his hair gel and professional business person façade, he randomly turned and winked at me. It was then that I realized the truth about Ricky–he didn’t lose my number. He sucks and he just wanted me to feel dumb. Douche.

Well, whatever, Ricky. Your potent hair gel leaves a smell in the elevator long after you’re gone and sometimes there’s a booger almost falling out of your nose and I hate you and you’ll pay for this.

 

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Ricky, burning my number

 

Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Pastramiversary to Jon, the unique cartoon/photo artist over at http://www.pastramibasket.wordpress.com who provided his Ricky interpretation. Thanks, dude!

You can also find Pastrami Basket on Facebook and it’s awesome, so you should go to there.

I Hate The Gym: Part 2

20 Mar

So what do you do if, like me, you hate the gym? Today I’m giving away somewhat juicy tips and free links for maintaining a kind of decent hot bod like mine. If you’re looking for “sort of sexy” results or maybe just need some new moves added to your repertoire, this is for you. Please note that I’m not a trainer or a doctor, just a 29-year-old poor writer who hates the gym and so, I improvise:
 
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And side note, don’t let anyone see you doing the videos posted below. They get pretty embarrassing at some parts, especially if you’re trying Buti Yoga (don’t try it, but if you do, please tape it for me).
 
Some Fitness Tips That Might Work
 
1. Do cardio. Run or bike outside. Walk. If you look like a jackass doing those things, try a Zumba workout 4x per week. That’s what I do in my basement (and I keep the lighting low in case my boyfriend is secretly taping any of it). Sometimes I interchange this with a Persian cardio video or a routine that I come up with in my imagination. Basically, the key is to dance, jump around like an idiot, get your heart rate up and sweat for 50ish minutes.

Sometimes I throw in a run up the steps and weighted hula hoop freestyle or I break out my pink boxing gloves and punch the air like a fancy lady Rocky Balboa, but mostly I just dance and jump around and pretend I’m in a sexy music video. I lost 9 lbs doing this and this alone without changing my diet.
 
Links:

Free Zumba  (which I downloaded for free because of the quality)

Persian Cardio
 
2. Bodyweight training. Assuming I’m not too hungover, on Saturday mornings and Wednesdays I do a yoga class or core class taught by Jillian Michaels (who I hate) or Fiji McAlpine. This past week I tried Buti Yoga…which I don’t suggest unless you enjoy shaking your ass while in a push up position. Also, for the fellas, I think you all should try aerial yoga for my personal entertainment. Don’t forget to wear tight little shorts which will assist in whatever is happening here:
 
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Links:

Jillian Michaels (makes me so angry)

Fiji McAlpine core yoga

Buti Yoga (good friggin’ luck)

Aerial Yoga (gentlemen, do this please)
 
3. Fad diets suck, so my diet is just me trying not to get too crazy with my boxed wine and pizza. I suggest only eating your feelings on 1 and a half nights of the week (or 2 maybe). During the rest of the week, I count my calories using MyFitnessPal and I hate myself for doing it and sometimes I yell at people, but it works and is extremely rewarding.
 
Soo, that’s it. I know I’m doing something right because a young gentleman referred to me as a “dime piece.” If you choose to partake in these activities, don’t forget to drink water and eat veggies and protein and stuff or whatever actual diet people tell you to do.

Remember, there’s still time to have the mediocre body you’ve always wanted by summer. Dude, it’s better than nothing.

What? My Name Is…

20 Mar Featured Image -- 3622

La La:

Before my 3:00 post, a giant thank you to Brother Jon for dedicating today’s 2014 year of bloggers, for bloggers post to me. Thanks, BroJo!

Originally posted on Brother Jon's Page:

As I mentioned here 2014 will be the year of bloggers, for bloggers. Influenced by this, and dedicated to Lauren at Tales of a Charm City Chick, please enjoy the following. 

View original 437 more words

I Hate The Gym: Part I

18 Mar

Lots of people on Facebook often go to the gym and enjoy boasting about their workouts. In their defense, I suppose I’d be proud of convincing myself to drive to a stinky gym after a long day of work, too.

Personally, I  don’t like gyms.  I do my own fitness routines at my house in my cold basement where the lighting is low and no one is around to see my boob sweat or watch me pick a wedgie. I’m an introvert, but it’s not my personality that makes me hate gyms so much. It’s more that I don’t like spending money for the following:

1. Waiting in line just to run in place, especially since running outside is available.

2.  Trainers yelling at me. Some people are into that, I know, but I’m more into positive motivation. I used to take a kickboxing class with the Ravens trainer and he often screamed at me and one time he called me a “lazy mare.” Actually, what he said was, “I said speed kicks, you lazy mare!” Whatever. The joke was obviously on him because horses don’t even know about kickboxing.

3. Strange men with large muscles staring at me.

4. Old naked ladies in the locker room trying to converse with me and coming way too close with their weird boobs.

5. People watching my fitness class. I like the classes themselves, but it’s a bit like being part of a zoo exhibit…except I’m doing Zumba.

6. Yoga. I love yoga, but I prefer to do it alone because everyone knows not to trust hippy farts in a hot room.

7. Sweating or breathing heavily in front of other people–for some reason it reminds me of the way I feel when eating hot dogs in front of other people. I’d prefer to eat my hot dogs alone, thank you very much.

Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One?

11 Mar
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Photo from voactiv.com

 

This morning on Today, “Princeton Mom” Susan Patton promoted her new book Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One by sharing some advice during her interview. She said college women should spend 75% of their time on finding a man to marry and 25% focusing on college/careers because work can wait but fertility cannot. Next, she mentioned that you shouldn’t get too drunk or too high at parties because if a man takes advantage of you, it’s your fault. She also said if you need body work to make you look better, get it done in high school.

Was I dreaming? Did I time travel? Was I in a Jane Austen novel? No, this interview was real and during it, I could have been awarded for achieving the biggest, most intense eye roll ever recorded in human history.

Look at this quote from a letter Patton published last year:

“Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent and less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition if she is exceptionally pretty.”

You probably get the point and understand why her opinions are angering and likely controversial on purpose (she says they aren’t), but if you need to read more, read this book review published by Wall Street Journal.

Susan Patton doesn’t have daughters and recently finalized her divorce from her husband. I could sit here and talk about how much more ridiculous that makes this situation, but instead I’ll give some better advice to young women who hope to marry and possibly have a family:

1. If you’re a college woman hoping to marry and start a family ASAP for whatever reason, try to balance out your studies and social time. Maybe you’ll meet a sexy dude and that’s awesome, but don’t fret if you don’t meet a sexy dude. It’s college, and a lot of guys aren’t exactly wearing their big boy pants yet anyway. Depending on your career choice, research shows that your sea of partner options does decrease after graduating from college, which means you may have to work a little harder to find a worthy guy on your intellectual level, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

2. While a woman’s chances of having a baby decreases as she ages, there are other options and you shouldn’t allow a “ticking clock” to rule your state of mind. Why? Because it may result in rushing into a marriage and life that doesn’t make you happy and may end in regret, a lot of yelling and way too much vodka consumption.

3. There is nothing wrong with you whether you choose to marry and have a family later in life or if you choose to start early. I know successful, highly educated, happily married women who didn’t marry until they were around 36-38 and all of those women have children. I also know women who chose to marry early, have a career and babies and they are also happy.

4. If you choose to advance your career before finding a dude, don’t worry that there aren’t “normal” men out there. There are, but you may meet a few complete duds first (or if you’re me, a lot of duds….and now I’m wanting some delicious Milk Duds).

5. Don’t get work done on your body in high school unless you actually need it for medical reasons. I can’t believe anyone would even consider that. Learn to respect your body first and be honest with yourself about body image (and yes, I know that isn’t easy). If you do choose to get body work that young, just remember that surgeries will not always (if at all) cover self-esteem issues.

6. Be responsible at parties and take care of yourself. If you get too drunk or too high, it can end very badly and no one wants you to get raped/hurt by some idiot, be stuck without Fritos when you get the extreme munchies or have a terrible hangover when it could be avoided.

7. Finally, don’t buy that woman’s book or her extremist views. While she feels it’s helpful and honest, not all young women can find happiness or “the one” by fitting a mold, not focusing on a career, looking a certain way or acting a certain way. We are all different (thank god), so deal with it already.

True Detective Thoughts

10 Mar

I shouldn’t be allowed to watch anything involving crime drama/mystery/basically anything cool or potentially mind-blowing. Why? Because I get too involved and my imagination runs wild with theories like an unbridled pony down an undiscovered beach except this particular pony never stops or sleeps at night because all it does is think excitedly about possible conclusions.

This time, however, I was sort of right about the ending, so I feel like exploring it a bit. If you don’t want to hear anything about HBO’s True Detective, stop reading!

So, basically, I got too into it and after some investigations, suddenly was checking out a case from Louisiana involving sexual abuse and other creepy stuff. Then I read Robert Chambers’ 1895 book of stories titled The King in Yellow, which was suggested because both the show and book, both mystery/horror themed, mentioned Carcosa and a yellow king and a mysterious yellow sign. The stories were good, but also supernatural, which led a lot of people to think the show was going to end similarly.

My mind considered a bunch of theories and in the end I thought to myself, what if this is one thing that ends on a positive note? What if they solve the case and evil doesn’t prevail? What if that’s part of the twist? Sure, everything leading up to it was…sick. We saw a cheating husband, pessimism about life and what happens after death, gangs, kidnapping, sexual abuse, frightening rituals, a big guy in a gas mask and dirty underpants, excessive drinking and drug use, a video of a child being sacrificed and, unfortunately, I’ll never be able to forget how Erroll Childress fingered his half-sister in that dirty house near all those creepy dolls. Jesus.

In the end, light won (or is winning). Carcosa was a place and idea that represented evil and often corrupted innocence. In Chambers’ book, Carcosa is a mysterious, dim, possibly cursed city. I think Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson visited a version of Carcosa in multiple ways throughout the show, but they ultimately don’t allow themselves to be consumed by darkness and are rewarded with another chance. I could go into serious depth here, but if you watched you’ll likely understand.

I like the light vs. dark theme, which of course exists in stories and real life.

In real life, we tell ourselves stories, hide behind stories, tell our children stories and even grew countries and religions out of stories. Stories are everywhere. Those who watched the show watched a story about a story based on a story that references other stories and we ourselves are a story and so on.

I think one theme of the first season asked, “What stories are you surrounding yourself with?” We choose what and who surrounds us and the show reminds us that it’s easy to be led down paths and become consumed by the theme and mood of our interests, stories and beliefs (all of which are our choosing). Interestingly, in Chambers’ stories, anyone who reads The King in Yellow play is driven mad by it. The killer in the show was crazy because of stories and sick rituals, the detectives were in and out of their own versions of “madness” because they were consumed by the case and on our level, anyone who watched may have gone a little crazy with excitement over theories and the mystery of the show.

Now that’s some excellent writing.

Please feel free to share below any thoughts or theories if you watched and want to discuss!

 

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