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How to Woman

20 Aug

Here is how to woman. This might not be how all women have womaned, but it’s the way I’ve done it and I’m a woman, so that’s how I know I’m an authority on the subject:

How to Woman

Have high hopes
Read magazines about how to woman
Buy all the products
Drink water
Find job
Find “your thing”
Torture body to look good for man
Try to attract man
Try to attract man
Search more for a man to attract
Find man
Scare off man
Search for new man
Get ruined by man
Try to understand what men want
Be confused about what you want
Do what the internet tells you to do
Search for man, but try to be aloof about it
Attract immature, douchey men
Lose all hope
Be bitter, but hide behind a sense of humor
Decide you don’t need a man
Stretch more and play and really just enjoy the shit out of your own good company
Throw idea of perfection out window
Throw relationship games out window
Throw idea of who you’re supposed to be out window
Be the weirdo you were born to be
Get a raise
Start owning body and feeling beautiful
Suddenly attract too many men
Tell men to back off while you do you
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine
Gain 10 pounds
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine, but in moderation
Keep up on hobbies and exercise
Go outside
Get that D (that vitamin D, I mean)
Be grateful and happy for those around you
Get another raise
Own the mother-cussing frick out of every situation
Fail a bit
Own again
Be open to new situations
Attract one man who might be worth your time
Have fun with man, be self, love man, be loved by man
Get engaged to man
Panic because you aren’t used to this
Try not to sabotage self
Communicate with man
Understand that he accepts you
Coexist in weirdness

Marry man, I guess? Go on adventures, probably. I don’t know. I’m not at this part yet, but I’ll let you know.

Thanks for Bitching at Me

24 Jul

I know, two posts in one day. Watch out, world!

I just want to say thank you all so much for the kind wedding messages and wishes you have sent. They are truly appreciated. I also feel the need to extend a sincere thank you for bitching at me about not writing as much. It helps to have a community of talented artists poking at me about it. It’s highly motivating and I feel so good after I do it (even after the simple, goofy posts).

Recently I’ve been feeling like there is nothing to share. However, after a few of your pokes and a few minutes to myself last night, what I failed to realize is that there are still things happening every day that normally I would share with the world, tons of them, but I’ve been too busy thinking too much about how weird it is that I’m getting married. Just the other day I had some drinks and got a piggy-back ride through the streets of Baltimore because my shoe broke and then I spilled a beer in my purse and ruined our friend’s mail and ate way too many potato wedges and a meatball sub and apparently in the middle of the night ordered a book called “Quit Your Job and Move to Key West.”

It was fun. I forgot that happened, though, because like I said, I’ve been too busy thinking too much about how weird it is that I’m actually getting married.

Like, a cute, funny guy wants to marry the real me. This is the same me who has accidentally tucked a dress into my underpants on multiple occasions and writes letters to inanimate objects to make myself laugh. The girl who thinks the perfect evening involves cigars, wine and pizza. Or hot dogs–I like those. The poet who instead wants to make people laugh because we need more laughter. The writer who can’t seem to finish writing a book. The vulnerable, overly apologetic failure who loses and has lost and lost and lost and yet remains passionately and relentlessly (and what some would call “hopelessly”) optimistic. The same me who dances alone, talks to the stars when looking for answers and puts on lip gloss when I’m nervous (which is very often). The restless me who longs for the sea and salty hair and to connect with nature (but not with butterflies, I’m scared of those guys) and needs to learn about other people and cultures because if I don’t I will go insane with boredom.

I’ve been a bit skeptical these days because even though I hoped, I didn’t think anyone genuinely would fall for the silly, curious, anxious, wild, flawed, open, honest me and honestly, I don’t know why anyone would. So I keep thinking too much about how weird it is.

I think love makes people who think too much think WAY too much, and I get caught up in it and I procrastinate and I don’t make time for writing–and now it seems that we’re back to the reason for this post in the first place.

So, thank you for your kindness and thank you for bitching at me. :D

My. Perfect. Day. Is. Ruined.

24 Jul

I’m a reasonable, easygoing woman, and I didn’t think I’d face any obstacles while planning a wedding. Unfortunately, I’m here to report that I was wrong. Way wrong, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Nothing is turning out the way I had hoped and I’m in need of some serious advice.

First of all, my wedding planner told me that Key West doesn’t give you a free, majestic horse to ride bareback down the aisle and then take home because you’re a queen now. Yup, you read correctly–no free horse. My future husband is expecting an ethereal goddess to arrive via horseback, so what will he think when he sees me walking? I may die from embarrassment.

Then I found out my bridesmaids aren’t willing to wear what clearly is the loveliest dress of all time:



I might be able to talk them into it, but I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.

You’re likely asking yourself what else could possibly go wrong. Well, if the above wasn’t disastrous enough, today I learned that my dress doesn’t even light up. Like, zero fiber optics, when all I’ve really ever wanted is to flow gracefully down the aisle (on horseback) while illuminated like a jellyfish queen.



Tell me, what kind of bride would I be without 24,000 ultra bright rainbow color changing LEDs? One time, I heard about this man who jumped in a river to drown himself after seeing his bride because she was too ugly and would decrease his social standing. Okay, so maybe that was in China and an arranged marriage, BUT STILL. We’ll never know what may have blossomed if only her fiber optics had been on point!

So, where do I go from here? I’m freaking out because the day that’s supposed to be the best day of my entire life is like, ruined, and Sean is going to try to drown himself and then the only man left on earth will be some short guy that wears a necklace and has a Napoleon complex and his name will be Bruno or Rocco or something, which I guess doesn’t matter, but I just really prefer a tall man because that’s sexy, yes, but also because he needs to be able to reach the top shelves and also those high-up spiders.


From Old Bay to Hemingway

15 Jun

Hi folks! Today I joined the Hitched family over at Baltimore Bride magazine. I’ll be writing about my wedding adventures once or twice per month and my first post just went up today: From Old Bay to Hemingway: Destination Key West.

I hope to post stories here, too, especially when things get weird (you know, all the good stuff).

Honestly, planning is going okay so far considering I have no idea how to be a blushing bride. Telling others about the venue has been entertaining, though. I guess it could be disconcerting to hear someone is getting married at a place that has 40-50 polydactyl cats (that means six toes, yo).

Anyway. Have a good evening! Or a good day if you’re in Australia, which is where a lot of my daily views have come from over the last few weeks. Hi, Australia!

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story

2 Jun

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story:

I write you today with big news. Last month I was snorkeling and when I emerged angelically from the ocean (flopping and out of breath), I found my boyfriend digging something up on the beach. At first I yelled at him because I thought it was a bug nest of some kind, but it turned out to be a treasure chest and now I’m engaged and getting married. To a man! A real human man who isn’t even elderly or a male order husband! And we’ve met in real life and not only in my imagination!

You may be shocked by this news, and are likely a bit disappointed. That’s expected. Although it hurts at the moment, please have faith that the day will come when your hearts no longer ache. I do have one suggestion for you guys, though–try acting a little quicker next time.

Not that you’ll be invited back, or anything. Please go ahead and consider this letter as an official withdrawal of all services requested from you between 1993-1999 and once in 2002. Okay?

Okay. So, that’s it. Thank you for all the years of imaginary kissing, I guess.

Oh, and I forgive you for not getting back to me about prom. You missed a good time that night. Yours truly won the raffle and it was wild and I was like whhhaaaaaat am I going to do with a certificate for a fondue dinner for two? Take my dad? I mean, I did take him and we enjoyed it, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatevs. The point here is that you lost out on a free dinner, sexy dudes.

Anyway, I’ll stop drawing this thing out. I’d hate to see you getting emotional over me. What’s done is done.

Go. Go on now. You’re free.


Lauren (the odd girl who sent you a photo of herself rocking a bolo tie on picture day and carries no regrets)

Isn't she adorable.

Strange Creatures

12 May

Last night I was sitting on the couch daydreaming about Bahia Honda and our upcoming trip to the Florida Keys when out of the corner of my eye I saw my boyfriend examining his stomach.

Me: What are you doing?

Him: I think it’s weird how your stomach feels soft and beautiful and mine is like furry, gritty sandpaper.

Me: ……….

Him: Girls are such strange creatures.

Book Design/Logo Progress

28 Mar

Waiting for someone to complete a design that will represent your published work is extremely exciting and nerve-racking, especially when it feels like it’s taking forrrevvveeerrrrr.

Throughout this entire process, I’ve learned that patience is key. One of the top issues that critics have with books that are “self-published,” is a lack of professional quality. That quality will only come from taking the time to research publishing and design and from hiring a designer if you aren’t one yourself. I have two designers, one is creating my logo and the other, my boyfriend, is designing the book. Without them, I would end up with a random picture with the title on it…..something like this:


Regardless of whether that’s a great read, I found the cover on and lord knows none of us want to end up there.

So, if you choose the path of self-publishing, try to be patient. Every aspect of the book deserves special attention if you want to end up with excellent quality. Also, if your designer is cool enough, he might share the progress with you so you don’t go super insane while waiting “forrevvvveeerrr” for the final (which is coming soon!):




You can check out Jeremy Friend’s work and process on instagram @jeremyfriend and at

How to Winter

3 Mar

Based on personal experience and observations of others, this is how to winter:

  1. Celebrate drink-related fake things during the week like “Taco Tuesday” and “Wine Wednesday” because as you age you suddenly need a reason to drink too many margaritas or glasses of wine on a weeknight.

  2. Look super pale and deathly like the objectified models in ads that can embed themselves into the subconscious mind (you go, girl!)

  3. Stare out into the night with your hand on the window and sing a made up, melancholic song to confuse your boyfriend. They like that.

  4. Sled or ice skate, I guess, if you like that sort of thing.

  5. Get out of town with your hubby for a weekend getaway to Cabo or the Caymans or whatever! Or, if you’re poor or single, or both, try wearing a bikini and cranking up the heat one evening and just pretend! It’s all the same!

  6. Complain about winter on Facebook until it finally gets God’s attention.

  7. Wrap yourself up in a blanket like a burrito. That’s fun.

  8. Try to blog, but delete every post because “it’s dumb.”

  9. Don’t worry about completing posts, especially when your boyfriend is loudly singing Janis Joplin in your ear. It’s distracting.

Top Six Holiday Must-Haves!

12 Dec

Christmas is almost here! Still not sure what to buy for that picky special someone? You came to the right place because today I am highlighting THE holiday must-haves this season. These festive gift ideas are bound to delight your loved ones and may even leave a few speechless!! Fun!!!!!!!


1. Why not show your parents how much you love them this year with a super stylish scorpion chair? It’s 6.5 feet tall and will look great in any house. And guess what? It’s only $5,750!



2. This unique 2015 calendar features pooping dogs–perfect for the mother-in-law or your boss who has everything.



3. A Guy Will Rub Condiments On His Chest for $11.79+. Your surprised girlfriend of three years will scream things like “What the hell is wrong with you, Steve!?” and “I wish you were dead!” She’ll get over herself pretty quickly though because this guy is truly a fun treat!!


4. You know how your picky cat loves wearing clothes? Well he will REALLY love wearing his new lion mane cat hat which also happens to make him look like he’s in a hair band! Just look at this cuddly little guy! Adorbs!


5. Blow his mind this Christmas with a leather banana holder for his bike. He needs this, chica. Only $55.00!



6. I don’t know about you guys, but my Facebook feed is simply packed with goodies like ultrasounds and depressing news. Try ignoring the bad news and celebrate the gift of life (hopefully!) with your favorite pregnant couple this Christmas by stealing the ultrasound and getting a 3D print of the unborn fetus! They will feel so special and will definitely have a place to put it.



That’s it! Gosh, I just love Christmas!!!!!! You can find more delights at Happy Holidays, everyone!


26 Nov

I am thankful today and every day for family and friends, Rod Stewart, my unusual drafts on WordPress and, excitingly, my ability to finally complete a first draft of a book. Yay!

Seriously though, my unfinished WordPress drafts are weird. There are a few pieces I’ve started that make even me curious to know what I was planning to discuss and it would seem that the common themes throughout mirror those found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (meaningless puzzles, nonsense, dreams, loss of innocence and so on).

My favorite draft, and I have no idea where I was going with this, is from a year ago and it simply says, “Your smaller boob doesn’t define…”

I’m sure whatever I was planning would have been laden with award-winning thoughts and unfortunately, we will never have the pleasure of exploring the depths of such profound intellect.

So, feel free to finish the sentence. I’d love to know what you think was coming next. The only thing I’ve come up with so far is “Your smaller boob doesn’t define you.” If that’s what I was going for, would I not have just completed the sentence with the word “you?” Was I really too busy to do that? Who knows.

Otherwise, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!




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