Archive by Author

Drafts

26 Nov

I am thankful today and every day for family and friends, Rod Stewart, my unusual drafts on WordPress and, excitingly, my ability to finally complete a first draft of a book. Yay!

Seriously though, my unfinished WordPress drafts are weird. There are a few pieces I’ve started that make even me curious to know what I was planning to discuss and it would seem that the common themes throughout mirror those found in Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland (meaningless puzzles, nonsense, dreams, loss of innocence and so on).

My favorite draft, and I have no idea where I was going with this, is from a year ago and it simply says, “Your smaller boob doesn’t define…”

I’m sure whatever I was planning would have been laden with award-winning thoughts and unfortunately, we will never have the pleasure of exploring the depths of such profound intellect.

So, feel free to finish the sentence. I’d love to know what you think was coming next. The only thing I’ve come up with so far is “Your smaller boob doesn’t define you.” If that’s what I was going for, would I not have just completed the sentence with the word “you?” Was I really too busy to do that? Who knows.

Otherwise, have a wonderful Thanksgiving, everyone!

 

turkeylurkeydoo

1 Corinthians 13:14-32

4 Nov

The following is a glimpse into my book of poetry. This goes out to all who have found true love, an eternal flame–for we are the lucky few who deeply and completely understand love at its very core. Thank you for reading.

 

swans

 

Love is patient, love is kind,
it does not envy,
it protects, trusts and hopes
and all that jazz,
but mostly it requires a sense of humor–

like for when a dude watches you
put on pantyhose
or when your lady hears
you burping and peeing simultaneously.

Love is snoring,
endless sports and shows like Deadliest Catch.
It is killing spiders, boob sweat
and listening to her cry
when even she does not know
why it is happening.

Love always preserves
and it never fails,
especially when we all practice
fart management.

The Rest of the Lessons

30 Sep

Tomorrow is my birthday and there are 10 more lessons to go, so really this was just accidental, excellent timing. Cool.

 

20. If someone wants to spend time with you, he or she will. So…don’t stalk people. That’s weird. They don’t like it.

21. Gossip is for the birds. The gossipy adult men in my workplace are worse than high school girls and it is an unattractive quality no matter what your age or gender may be.

22. Be kind. For example, if you live in a townhouse, take down your wind chimes on nights that are windy as frick so your neighbors can sleep. This one is mostly just for my neighbor. Please consider this, neighbor, for my sanity.

23. Don’t take advantage of kind people. Assholes.

24. Take responsibility for your actions and own up. I’m tired of slimy, pathetic people who lie either to get what they want or lie to get out of trouble. Others will respect you for taking responsibility for your actions. Including farts. Take responsibility for those.

25. Give positive feedback and thanks to the people who work with you, for you, in customer service, your husband/wife/kids, students, anyone who does you favors etc. If you don’t, don’t be surprised when you find a human poop on your car. Underappreciation will impact the quality and loyalty of relationships, business and so on. I suppose I should be clear that I haven’t left a poop on any cars. Just thought about it. Intently.

26. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. This one is extremely important to me. Vulnerability is powerful. We live in a society that numbs vulnerability because most people see it as a weakness. I’d love to say more, but just understand that vulnerability is necessary for connection.

27. Everything in moderation. Except when it comes to drinking at your best friend’s wedding, of course. Go ahead and get trashed for that.

28. Food will not solve your problems. Not even cake or delicious Cheetos. I know, this is terrible news because I would do anything to have my problems solved by chicken wings. By all means, eat the cake and Cheetos and wings, but don’t allow food to numb feelings about what really is happening (whatever that may be).

29. No one knows what you are thinking. Voice that shit!

30. As important as it is to be you, you have to at least look like you give a shit. Don’t smell bad. Brush your hair.  That stuff.

 

I have to go drink expensive champagne now. Let’s do this thing!

Lesson #19 – Understanding Dudes

30 Sep

Women are constantly trying to crack the code that is men. Sometimes I think we drive ourselves crazy wondering why men do the things they do, say the things they say, smell the way they smell and so on. It gets worse once you’ve been dumped a couple of times, and the conclusion often made with other friends who were dumped a couple of times is that “men are idiots.” Actually, some men even give that as an answer.

In my mid-twenties, I chose a novel approach to tackle this issue because I refused to accept “men are idiots” as an answer. It wasn’t an easy process, and if you consider doing the same, I’m warning you now that you may face many perils on your journey.

The groundbreaking, controversial method of which I speak? I talked. To men. And asked questions. Doing this requires an open mind, patience, the ability to hear what they have to say and most importantly, a sense of humor.

What I found was that I am capable of communicating with men, like some kind of man whisperer or something. In short, I learned they are not all the same, and the majority were not afraid of feelings.

I also learned to think more like a man and that having the male perspective is valuable for plenty of reasons (dealing with a male boss, for example). The opportunity to talk to men helped me understand them better and as an unexpected bonus, it taught me more about who I am as a woman. Thanks, dudes!

Lesson #18 – Stay Creative

25 Sep

It isn’t always easy, is it? Thankfully, I’ve learned that to stay creative I need to:

 

  1. Surround myself with creative people.

  2. As I said in my last post, go places and watch people.

3. Collaborate.

  1. Write ideas down when I have them.

  2. Never force it!

 

I’m sure there are plenty of others, but those are at the top of my list. Feel free to share the ways you stay creative!

Lessons #16 and #17 – Oh, The Places You’ll Go! (and People Watch)

24 Sep

I’ve learned I need to go places. It doesn’t always need to be new places, just places.

I like exploring cities and challenging my comfort zone, which never fails to provide stories, especially when I interact with people or observe others. As a bonus, going places and people watching almost always gives me a jolt of creative energy. When I’m with friends, this usually leads to creating little adventures starring the people we’re watching, or we play games like “angry at each other or awkward first date? and “bluetooth headset or schizophrenic?”

To be clear, I don’t just sit there judging folks to make myself feel better, nor am I that elderly lady on the bench at every mall who stares and, due to hearing loss, loudly draws attention to freaks and bowlegged kids. When done the way I’m referring to, people watching is an art that enhances the brain by allowing us to discover, study, and play make-believe.

Skill in observation also denotes intelligence. It gives us the ability to notice subtle cues so we can react to situations/people more tactfully. Going out and observing others is when I’m at my Sherlock Holmes-iest. All I need is that pipe game!

Lesson #15 – Get Up Offa That Thing

19 Sep

and dance ’til you feel better!

 

Dancing never fails to create instant enjoyment. There are no excuses not to dance, even if you aren’t good at it. I mean, you’ve seen white moms and dads dance, right? You certainly can’t be any worse than that. Well…unless you’re a white mom or dad. But you have fun, don’t you, white moms and dads? Of course you do!

Look at my friend’s happy, dancing grandpa–he has a walker and he raises the roof/double fist pumps with the best of them:

 

Screen Shot 2014-09-19 at 10.36.28 AM

 

I’m not nearly as awesome as grandpa, but who really is?:

 

Screen Shot 2014-09-19 at 10.45.41 AM

 

 

Okay, maybe my boyfriend is as awesome as grandpa:

 

Screen Shot 2014-09-19 at 2.05.56 PM

 

So the lesson is that you should get up offa that thing and dance. It’s fun, good exercise, it makes you happy and apparently leads to some truly entertaining photos. Have a great weekend!

Lesson #14 – Gratitude

19 Sep

A typical “lesson” on lists everywhere, I know, but I truly believe gratitude cultivates happiness. Recently I joined the The Gratitude Movement, which asks the group to sit in reflection for a few minutes each day for a month and write what we appreciate in a journal.

It seems basic, but this ultimately trains our minds to think this way daily, which has a ton of benefits!

Today, I am thankful for the positive, hopeful people in this world who inspire and spread goodness. They have taught me so much over the last few years. Thank you!

What are you grateful for today?

Lesson #13 – Get To Know People

17 Sep

You never know what great, weird stuff people will tell you when you get to know them. Just this morning at a conference, a woman told me her brother is a famous drag queen named Peaches Christ. I then put down my croissant and quietly sipped my coffee for the next half hour while she shared some of the best stories I’ve ever heard.

In the picture below, Peaches is in the middle as Bette Midler’s Hocus Pocus character…except they are the Manderson sisters instead of the Sanderson sisters. Cheeky.

 

peaches

 

 

So, get to know people. You might learn something new, find a job lead, or hear fabulous stories about a drag queen. It’s awesome.

Lesson #12 – We Don’t Know What The Hell We’re Doing

7 Sep

Let’s just go ahead and admit that tons of us have no friggin’ clue what we’re doing and the idea that some clear path exists  is just silly. It’s okay to hope, and it’s great to expect great things, but can we agree that most of us are winging it? And I don’t care what Mary and Joseph over on Facebook are trying to make you believe because they, too, have no idea what they’re doing (although they may be better at portraying themselves as amazingness and perfection).

From what I’ve noticed, people are constantly questioning kids/dogs/houses/careers/husbands/wives/identities/sexual orientations and where to go for certain things or who to ask about this or that and what to do when blah blah blee bloo blah. This is a wonderful thing, though, isn’t it? As it turns out, we’re all human for the most part and the answers aren’t always the same for all of us. What a relief.

And maybe some people don’t want you to know that. Maybe some people forgot about how they got to where they are and they will receive a reminder sooner or later. Regardless, we’re humans and new experiences rarely are executed with finesse and precision and that’s life.

Be grateful for your experiences–yup. Pay attention to opportunities and act on them–absolutely. Don’t be a jackass–duh. But if at some point or another you fail or have no idea what’s happening, just understand that it doesn’t mean you’re doomed. I know this because I’ve never known what the hell is going on…if that makes any sense. I still don’t know what I’m doing, and I suspect this will continue throughout life in one way or another. Life would be boring otherwise.

Personally, this has been one of my favorite, strangest lessons in life. It’s the reason I write. I once broke up with a guy during a major snowstorm, watched the Screech from Saved By The Bell porn, and then fell down an icy hill with a handle of vodka after calling a group of children a bunch of little shits. Yeah…I was lost and had no idea what I was doing. I once attended a wedding alone the day after my last boyfriend died and I managed to choke on steak, throw up AND accidentally moon a group of people when the wind blew up my dress….not exactly how I hoped to handle death.

But there is no clear path, is there?

This is life, people, and it’s stupid-beautiful, and it’s totally fine that we have no idea what the hell we’re doing.

Whew, that felt good.

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