Archive | Entertainment RSS feed for this section

Stupid Ricky

25 Mar

So, you guys remember my nemesis, Ricky, right? The guy I work with? You know, the guy who didn’t laugh at my Steely Dan joke about losing my number because apparently “he didn’t know the song” and, subsequently, lost my number?

Well, I don’t know how many more nights I could lie awake wondering if Ricky actually lost my office number, if he truly didn’t know the song or if he was just being a dick.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever learn the truth.

However, during another meeting a few days ago, as I stared at Ricky to see if I could catch a glimpse of the dark soul that surely exists underneath his hair gel and professional business person façade, he randomly turned and winked at me. It was then that I realized the truth about Ricky–he didn’t lose my number. He sucks and he just wanted me to feel dumb. Douche.

Well, whatever, Ricky. Your potent hair gel leaves a smell in the elevator long after you’re gone and sometimes there’s a booger almost falling out of your nose and I hate you and you’ll pay for this.

 

ricky

Ricky, burning my number

 

Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Pastramiversary to Jon, the unique cartoon/photo artist over at http://www.pastramibasket.wordpress.com who provided his Ricky interpretation. Thanks, dude!

You can also find Pastrami Basket on Facebook and it’s awesome, so you should go to there.

#52

1 Feb

In the summer of 2001, I was lucky enough to be standing with a small group of people who were meeting the Ravens football team. They had just won Super Bowl XXXV a few months before and everyone was excited.

All of our favorites were signing that day and I recall vividly my brother Matt and his cute friend getting super worked up because Ray Lewis was coming.

 

Matt’s friend: HE’S COMING.

Me: I know! So exciting!

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Me: Get him to sign your football and say hi?

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

Me: I don’t know. Play it cool. He doesn’t really have time to talk to us, anyway.

Matt’s friend: WE’RE NEXT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

Me: Oh my god, just chill out, you’re making me nervous.

 

::Ray Lewis appears before us, I see a light glimmering in Matt’s friend’s eyes::

 

Me: Hi Ray!

Matt’s friend (SO loudly): I’M WEARING MY RAY LEWIS UNDERPANTS.

Ray Lewis: Hah, that’s cool…I guess.

Me: That just happened.

 

::Ray Lewis moves on to much cooler people than us::

 

And that sums up the time I met #52, Ray Lewis. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Go Ravens! And yay Puppy Bowl!

2013-02-01_11-39-05_711

Becca and La La’s New Year’s Eve Celebration

29 Dec

Becca and I were sitting around last night, trying to decide to what to do on New Year’s Eve:
 

 
Guess what? You’re invited!

Join Becca and La La for a New Year’s Eve Celebration!

When: New Year’s Eve, duh! Come anytime you want, we will be there and already drunk, probably.

Where: La La’s house!

Bring: A snack of your choice, wine or beer and a change of underwear….what? You never know what could happen and no, you can’t borrow Becca’s underwear (and I don’t wear any because of a dress tucking incident) so it’s best to just come prepared.
 
RSVP in the comments and we will include you in a follow-up post about how much fun we all had!

 

Directions:

1. Drive to the airport

2. Fly to BWI, get in a cab and take I-95 N

3. Take the creepy exit (lock your doors, please)

4. Drive 2 miles and turn left at the homeless man with peg legs (don’t ask him if he was a pirate because 1. it’s rude and 2. he gets really angry)

5. Go to the house with the front porch and black roof

6. Leave your shirt at the door!

A Dolly for Sue

3 Dec

I have to be honest with you guys, I am bitter about Christmas. The actual day is always nice, but everything surrounding it gives me a case of the mean reds. It probably has something to do with the fact that I’m getting older, I live alone, I only get one channel, my house is freezing cold and so on…

Look, this is my tree:

 

tree

 

One thing I do love about Christmastime? Stop-motion animation. You know, Rankin Bass style. My favorite is Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Surely you’ve seen it:
 

Rudolph

Rudolph and Hermey have a jam sesh


 
If you haven’t, basically what happens is that Rudolph’s parents hate his nose so they try to cover it up and during training his fake nose pops off and his girlfriend Clarice’s dad is all “heeell no” and Rudolph is sad so he runs away from home and goes on an adventure where he meets Hermey (aspiring elf dentist who also ran away) and a dude named Yukon Cornelius…the greatest prospector in the north. I am disgusted by the way he licks his ice pick. They join together and eventually the traveling trio come across The Island of Misfit Toys where everyone, of course, sings a song:

 

 

There was a question that plagued me each year as I watched this part. What’s wrong with the Dolly for Sue? She looks just fine to me (yes I have too much time on my hands).

This year, I finally looked it up to see if there is an explanation. Sure enough, I am not the only curious one. In his book “The Enchanted World of Rankin Bass,” Rick Goldschmidt explains, “In the original broadcast the Dolly’s screen time is mere seconds. I don’t believe Romeo Muller really gave the character much thought. She was granted more screen time in the 1965 and 1997 broadcasts which ultimately led many a fan to wonder what was wrong with her. Arthur Rankin says that Dolly’s problem is more psychological.”

While the rest of the toys were made incorrectly, the girly toy’s problem is psychological. Interesting.

So, what do you think?

My explanation is that her rag doll boyfriend dumped her because things just weren’t working out, so she got depressed and instead of coming back a stronger doll, she just cries, feels bad for herself and eats french fries all the time and the other misfit toys gossip and say things like “Greeeaat, here comes Dolly for Sue again, what a downer.”

Good god, Dolly, you’re embarrassing yourself. Get off your ass already and have some self-respect.

NeverEnding Imaginations

20 Nov

I love reading creative posts and catching a glimpse of what’s inside the imaginations of other bloggers. My imagination gets wild and crazy and I can think of a few childhood experiences that certainly played a major role in that development.

One example is my love for the 1984 film The NeverEnding Story.

Cue majestic music, bitches:
 

 

When I was a kid, I made my parents rent that movie every weekend for approximately two years. Something about it truly grabbed my imagination and expanded La La Land into a vast empire where I am still a beautiful empress with a British accent. I also blame it for giving me imaginary friends (a mermaid and a turtle) that lived in the sewer.*

At night I made up related stories while curled up on the floor in my Care Bears sleeping bag. In my head, I WAS The Childlike Empress and I lived in an ivory tower made of glorious light. I imagined (still imagine, just kidding, kind of) someday walking down the aisle wearing her headpiece:
 

But with real pearls. Image from Etsy.

 
Except back then I was jonesin’ for some Atreyu:
 

Atreyu sporting the Auryn. Image from Google.

 
Is there something from your childhood that you associate with the development of your imagination? Do you still make up stories in your head as you fall asleep? Have you ever put someone’s baby on a dog and pretended he was riding Falcor? No? Oh. I guess I haven’t either, then. That would be a weird thing to do.

Also, this is the song from the movie. Look at this guy. Just look at him…and there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never-ending story.

 

______________

* My imaginary friends and I are no longer in contact.

Songs for Hurricane Sandy

28 Oct

If you’re like me and ready (absolutely unprepared) to hunker down because of the hurricane, you might enjoy a little music while braving the storm before your batteries die…and you’re left all alone…just you and your thoughts by candlelight. Awesome. And hey, if anything happens to your windows and you need replacements, here’s some advice

Good luck out there. Be safe.

1. Jimmy Buffett – Tryin’ to Reason With Hurricane Season

 

2. Eurythmics – Here Comes The Rain Again

 

3. CCR – Who’ll Stop The Rain

 

4. Edie Brickell – A Hard Rain’s A Gonna Fall (love this version a lot)

 

5. The Doors – Riders on the storm

 
6. Bruce Springsteen – Sandy

 
7. Scorpions – Rock You Like A Hurricane (duh)

 
8. The Who – Love Reign O’er Me (see what I did there?)

 
9. The Cult – Rain

 
10. Florence + The Machine

Can Attractive Women Be Funny?

25 Oct

While Nikki Finke, Editor in Chief of Deadline Hollywood, was watching the Emmys’, she wrote:

“Beautiful actresses are not funny. They don’t know how to do comedy…Only women who grew up ugly and stayed ugly, or through plastic surgery became beautiful, can pull off sitcoms or standups. Bowen isn’t a comedienne just like Brooke Shields wasn’t and a zillion more. Because it’s all about emotional pain and humiliation and rising above both by making people laugh with you instead of at you. So stop casting beautiful actresses when you should be giving ugly women a chance.”

It reminded me of an article I read in Vanity Fair by the late Christopher Hitchens. He explained that attractive women don’t need to be funny to get attention from men, that women in general aren’t childish (crude) enough to be funny and that the rare female comedians who are funny are normally “hefty or dykey or jewish” (oh my).

There are other opinions out there suggesting women in general aren’t funny.

So, can attractive women be funny? Can women in general be funny people?

Nope. You’re right, Nikki Finke and ghost of Christopher Hitchens (who quoted the 1911 poem “The Female of the Species” by Rudyard Kipling, which says women deal with the seriousness of motherhood and have no time for jest). I guess we can all agree because we all have the same views on what it means to be “beautiful” and/or “funny,” despite the variety of both female characteristics and types of humor that exist.

I really just can’t think of any funny, pretty women on TV and my lovely lady friends/the beautiful female bloggers are certainly all dull.

And yikes, Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudolph and Tina Fey never get me to even crack a smile:

Photo by Annie Leibowitz, Vanity Fair

Anyway, I’m off to make some sort of stew and have a baby or something. If readers have any examples of funny, attractive women, please share.

No? You don’t? Didn’t think so.

Thank You Dad, Mom, Alison and Rod Stewart

26 Sep

 

As you are aware, my 28th birthday is Monday.  I’ve been thinking about life and all the people I should thank for helping to shape me as a human being. As it turns out, there are only about four people to thank, so why not do so in a post.

 

1 and 2. Patricia and Dennis. They made a mistake in their late 30s and I was the result. You’re welcome, world.

 

 

3. Alison. The friend I’ve had since I was 11 who never judges anything I do, and I don’t judge anything she does. When we were kids, while all the other 11 year old girls were doing normal things, Alison and I were in the back of my mom’s blue station wagon shouting the lyrics to Rod Stewart songs while eating chicken nuggets and not giving even a single fuck. It was weird. We’re still pretty weird.

 

 

4. Rod Stewart. He taught me that young hearts gotta run free, be free, live free and that time is on, time is on my side. He also taught me that I have a thing for older men. You’re welcome, older men.

 

 

I am going to shout the song below in the car on the way home from work today. I bestow upon thine ears, the gift of Rod Stewart (and please check out the drummer):

 

 

I Want It Now

21 Sep

My birthday is coming up soon and since it is very possible that my dad reads my blog, I would like to share my birthday list so he and my mom can start shopping. Don’t worry, daddy, I promise not to get too Veruca Salt on your ass this year.

1. Money for a tank of gas.

2. Shoes.

Tell mom I’m an 8 1/2

 

3. A clever teapot.

I just want to tell you so much…I love this teapot

 

4. This Pasotti Ombrelli. It’s like a fucking scepter with a pretty umbrella on the end. I don’t own an umbrella, and I’m in need of a scepter, so this will be perfect.

Only $215.00

 

5. Underpants. I needs ‘em (seriously, I haven’t worn underwear in like a month).

It’s true

 

6. GIMMIE THIS PIG.

I shall name her Gertrude

 

7. A funny boyfriend who enjoys copious amounts of sexual activities and doesn’t mind killing the spiders in my basement. He should also like wine, cheese and hugging me.

A silhouette attempt

 

8.  I ask every year, so I’m not sure why you still haven’t gotten me a fucking beautiful unicorn.

Look, two fucking beautiful unicorns. I want the less feisty one.

 

9. Lastly, Blackwood Distillers makes a triple distilled vodka that is ice-filtered through Nordic birch charcoal and then is passed through a sand of crushed diamonds and other gems. Price? $1,060,000. It’s so beautiful that I probably won’t even cry or text an ex-boyfriend when I drink it (just kidding, I probably will).

This is necessary for your daughter’s happiness, daddy. Love you!

What’s in Your Bag?

12 Sep

Boss: Can I move your suitcase?

Me: It’s my bag. Sure.

Boss: Why is it kind of heavy?

Me: I usually have random, useful things in there.

Boss: Like what? A weapon?

Me: I’m not sure what’s in there right now. Let’s see.

 

The current contents of my bag (minus keys and lip gloss):

Exhibit A.

 

Boss: Really? A giant wallet, screwdriver, Under Armour shirt and shorts, banana, bottle of water, purple pen and hand lotion?

Me: You never know what you might need. Usually I have a mini Kleenex packet, a hair tie and a stain removal pen in there as well.

Boss: You’re a mess. By the way, there’s a young, new Italian guy named Donato on the 6th floor if you want to meet him.

Me: Is he cute? And I am not a mess! What if I’m hungry? What if I have dry hands? Go ask your wife what’s in her bag right now.

Boss: Okay…and yes, he’s 25 and very handsome. Blue eyes.

 

He leaves and comes back 20 minutes later

 

Boss: She has a wallet, keys, scissors, pen, toothpaste, pair of shoes and an orange.

Me: I rest my case…and sign me up for Donato.

 

 

 

 

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 4,566 other followers

%d bloggers like this: