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Monkeying Around

27 Jun

Guys, I haven’t been around, but it’s for good reasons. I’ve been writing a book, for example, and holding a monkey:

 

lisa

 

This is Lisa and I love her. So I’ve been busy in a good way, ya know? This also means I have only been by a few of your sites to read the stuff I enjoy. I’ll be back soon and I swear I’ll be visiting more often. Love you and miss you! Enjoy your weekend!

Wonder Woman

23 May

This was a challenging week for one brave woman who faced 7 full days of incalculable perils. Most notably, she drove for 6 hours to attend a bachelorette party and managed not to punch any rude, grabby dudes at the bar. On another quest, she sat through a three-hour graduation without checking her phone and believe it or not, watched back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of River Monsters and Dual Survival on the same day without complaining. Oh, and also that show about bush people in Alaska. Whether that one guy has a speech impediment or an accent, we’ll never know for sure.

This very same woman juggled 3 different jobs, wrote poetry for an upcoming project and suffered through 6 hours total of exercising with Jillian Michaels without cussing once, which should go on some kind of record.

Fortunately, the week’s obstacles came to a close today (hopefully) after she was forced to listen to her boss give a 45-minute description of the menstrual cycle of female macaques. There’s a lot of swelling and yelling that happens, in case you were wondering. The images from that description will likely haunt our valiant heroine for the rest of her life.

I, of course, am this woman. Please take a moment to admire me for my brave deeds and noble qualities.

Now I am off to begin a new adventure in Honduras and Mexico where I will continue to fight on behalf of you all for justice, love, peace, sexual equality, a beautiful tan, alcoholic drinks served in pineapples and free hot dogs.

Have a lovely week!

 

wonderwoman-1

Sunrise

7 May

Sunrise-New-York

 

It sneaks in, pouring like warm honey
through the cracks of
my window shade.

The city streets stretch–
and slowly liven as
icy dew forms
upon my soul,

for I too must rise
and shine for another day of
absolute horseshit at literally the most

Mundane.
Job.
Ever.

Fine, sunrise,
you relentless nag.
I’m up,

but I swear I’ll quit today
if that bubbly,
know-it-all bitch, Denise,
doesn’t stop squawking about her wedding.

National Pet Day!

11 Apr

April 11 is National Pet Day (apparently)! Don’t worry, I’m not here to make you feel sad about unadopted animals. I just want to talk about my cutest dog pup face littlest guy ever–except he’s an extra large, 3-year-old Flat-Coated Retrieverish Mix.

 

petday

 

His name is Porter, but he also goes by the nicknames Portman, Portmand, Oregon, P-Money and Cutest Fluff Guy (which I say in a high-pitched voice as I squeeze him so hard that his eyes pop out of his cutest fluff face).

His interests include rolling in bunny poo, chasing his tail and catching frisbees (he can catch like 12 in a row, I don’t know how he does it). He may be playful, but he is also a fancy, scholarly gentleman with a bombass princely tail that flows in the wind.

 

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Good day, kind sir.

 

The day I got him at the SPCA was the best day ever. Porter was in the back of his cage in a little squeaky hammock and was said to be lethargic and unsociable. When I took him out, he was stinky and pieces of hay were sticking out of his fur, but we immediately clicked. Two days after having him home, I was reading through his paperwork and found that he was a total slug because they forgot to give him pain medication after having surgery a few days prior. Poor guy. Once he got his medication, he was great!

So that’s all I have to say, really. I love him. Go hug your pets and have a lovely weekend!

 

Oh, Hello, I’m Drunk

2 Apr

Oh hi, everyone. I’m drunky at the bar on a Wednesday watching baseball. Whatevs. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Lots of balls up in baseball. Long ball. Curve ball. Balls in general.

2. This bar is a sausage fest. Mmmm, sausage. No, but seriously. Lots of dudes.

3. Just had a shot of tequila. It’s gross, but I pulled it off as a sassy shimmy.

4. Yay sports!

5. My boyfriend just said “if I came back and there was caviar here, I wouldn’t be mad.” So he’s maybe wasted (don’t worry, MADD, we’re walking home).

6. I just showed this to him and he said he didn’t say it and now he’s talking about Seinfeld while I’m typing.

7. Now he’s singing Lady Gaga.

8. I just played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on the jukebox. Gonna play it again soon.

9. Can’t wait to go to the beach and swim with exotic animals and run away in the Honduran jungle and become their island princess queen.

10. Seriously. It will be so romantic and my dude will hold me like in those romancey novel covers and then I am going to hold a monkey and swim with jaguars and ride a horse down the beach with wind in my hair and you are all gonna be jeeeeelous.

11. Sean just told me to say Michael Jordan playing for the White Sox was amazing and ’90s Ken Griffey Jr. was also neat.

12. The bartender just made fun of the way I say “huh?” and my response was to make my monkey face and now they’re talking about the monkey face. I’m leaving. Bye. I love you guys. So much.

13. PS – Sean just said “the last time I saw 3 balls and 2 strikes, I was at a circus.” (K, bud.)

14. He told me to add “circus in Tijuana” but I don’t feel like editing.

15. He’s lucky he’s cute. :)

16. Him: Baby wants mozzarellas?
Me: Sure.
Him: You are my Sicilian baby queen.
Me: (900 million smiles for infinity miles and stuff)

A Trip To David’s Bridal

2 Apr

Wedding season is quickly approaching and on Monday I finally had to suck it up and go to David’s Bridal to get fitted for a bridesmaid dress. This was my first trip to a bridal store of any kind, and this one happens to be in an iffy neighborhood, so I was basically having an anxiety attack about it, especially because of the feedback I got from Yelp reviews:

“It was obnoxious seeing trashy girls in neon yellow dresses parading all over the place with midriffs and cleavage hanging out. Especially in the location of Maryland this David’s is located.”

and:

“I didn’t appreciate the tiny dressing rooms or the communal area for brides to show their dresses to friends/family. Why? Because I didn’t appreciate the screaming kids or the creepy dads/fiancés/other males staring at me and commenting like I was a piece of meat, all the while they were there to support someone else. I felt so gross!”

 

My personal trip to David’s Bridal, however, was a godsend. We were in and out of the store within 18 minutes, there were zero screaming children, no creepers, and the dress was on sale and fit perfectly. It was astounding, really. Only a true bridesmaid ninja could pull that kind of thing off.

Relieved about the ease of the trip, we exited the parking lot and gaily rolled up to a red light. I began telling my mom a story about my ridiculous boss when suddenly she squinted and cut me off–”Wait, is that a dancing nun?” she asked.

I looked over and sure enough, a nun was dancing on the corner, waiting to cross the street. We were so in awe that neither of us could blink or utter a single word. I mean, it’s pretty rare to see a nun jamming out on the corner at 4:45 pm on a Monday (or ever) and I swear to you that not even the hand of God could have stopped her groove.

Then a miraculous thing happened right when the light turned green–the nun whipped around and startled us with an unexpected, prominent five o’clock shadow.

Our jaws dropped in unison before my mom yelled “Heavens! A transvestite nun!? A drag queen!”

I was howling.

As we drove off, I peered in the side view mirror just in time to see Sister Mary Fabulous working it across the street like she owned everything within a 20 mile radius. “Bless her,” I thought to myself, “I wish I could have that kind of confidence.”

I guess that might seem like an odd thing to think about a guy dressed as a nun. Was this prostitution? Is Monday a good day for a drag show? Was it just a crazy guy?

These are questions that will never be answered. Trust me, though, if you saw that strut you would have prayed for some of Sister Mister’s confidence, too.

 

nunnery
 

Once again, thank you to Jon from Pastrami Basket for a surprisingly accurate interpretation!

Stupid Ricky

25 Mar

So, you guys remember my nemesis, Ricky, right? The guy I work with? You know, the guy who didn’t laugh at my Steely Dan joke about losing my number because apparently “he didn’t know the song” and, subsequently, lost my number?

Well, I don’t know how many more nights I could lie awake wondering if Ricky actually lost my office number, if he truly didn’t know the song or if he was just being a dick.

I wasn’t sure I’d ever learn the truth.

However, during another meeting a few days ago, as I stared at Ricky to see if I could catch a glimpse of the dark soul that surely exists underneath his hair gel and professional business person façade, he randomly turned and winked at me. It was then that I realized the truth about Ricky–he didn’t lose my number. He sucks and he just wanted me to feel dumb. Douche.

Well, whatever, Ricky. Your potent hair gel leaves a smell in the elevator long after you’re gone and sometimes there’s a booger almost falling out of your nose and I hate you and you’ll pay for this.

 

ricky

Ricky, burning my number

 

Also, I’d like to wish a Happy Pastramiversary to Jon, the unique cartoon/photo artist over at http://www.pastramibasket.wordpress.com who provided his Ricky interpretation. Thanks, dude!

You can also find Pastrami Basket on Facebook and it’s awesome, so you should go to there.

I Hate The Gym: Part 2

20 Mar

So what do you do if, like me, you hate the gym? Today I’m giving away somewhat juicy tips and free links for maintaining a kind of decent hot bod like mine. If you’re looking for “sort of sexy” results or maybe just need some new moves added to your repertoire, this is for you. Please note that I’m not a trainer or a doctor, just a 29-year-old poor writer who hates the gym and so, I improvise:
 
station
 
And side note, don’t let anyone see you doing the videos posted below. They get pretty embarrassing at some parts, especially if you’re trying Buti Yoga (don’t try it, but if you do, please tape it for me).
 
Some Fitness Tips That Might Work
 
1. Do cardio. Run or bike outside. Walk. If you look like a jackass doing those things, try a Zumba workout 4x per week. That’s what I do in my basement (and I keep the lighting low in case my boyfriend is secretly taping any of it). Sometimes I interchange this with a Persian cardio video or a routine that I come up with in my imagination. Basically, the key is to dance, jump around like an idiot, get your heart rate up and sweat for 50ish minutes.

Sometimes I throw in a run up the steps and weighted hula hoop freestyle or I break out my pink boxing gloves and punch the air like a fancy lady Rocky Balboa, but mostly I just dance and jump around and pretend I’m in a sexy music video. I lost 9 lbs doing this and this alone without changing my diet.
 
Links:

Free Zumba  (which I downloaded for free because of the quality)

Persian Cardio
 
2. Bodyweight training. Assuming I’m not too hungover, on Saturday mornings and Wednesdays I do a yoga class or core class taught by Jillian Michaels (who I hate) or Fiji McAlpine. This past week I tried Buti Yoga…which I don’t suggest unless you enjoy shaking your ass while in a push up position. Also, for the fellas, I think you all should try aerial yoga for my personal entertainment. Don’t forget to wear tight little shorts which will assist in whatever is happening here:
 
Screen Shot 2014-03-19 at 2.20.47 PM

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Links:

Jillian Michaels (makes me so angry)

Fiji McAlpine core yoga

Buti Yoga (good friggin’ luck)

Aerial Yoga (gentlemen, do this please)
 
3. Fad diets suck, so my diet is just me trying not to get too crazy with my boxed wine and pizza. I suggest only eating your feelings on 1 and a half nights of the week (or 2 maybe). During the rest of the week, I count my calories using MyFitnessPal and I hate myself for doing it and sometimes I yell at people, but it works and is extremely rewarding.
 
Soo, that’s it. I know I’m doing something right because a young gentleman referred to me as a “dime piece.” If you choose to partake in these activities, don’t forget to drink water and eat veggies and protein and stuff or whatever actual diet people tell you to do.

Remember, there’s still time to have the mediocre body you’ve always wanted by summer. Dude, it’s better than nothing.

What? My Name Is…

20 Mar Featured Image -- 3622

La La:

Before my 3:00 post, a giant thank you to Brother Jon for dedicating today’s 2014 year of bloggers, for bloggers post to me. Thanks, BroJo!

Originally posted on Brother Jon's Page:

As I mentioned here 2014 will be the year of bloggers, for bloggers. Influenced by this, and dedicated to Lauren at Tales of a Charm City Chick, please enjoy the following. 

View original 437 more words

I Hate The Gym: Part I

18 Mar

Lots of people on Facebook often go to the gym and enjoy boasting about their workouts. In their defense, I suppose I’d be proud of convincing myself to drive to a stinky gym after a long day of work, too.

Personally, I  don’t like gyms.  I do my own fitness routines at my house in my cold basement where the lighting is low and no one is around to see my boob sweat or watch me pick a wedgie. I’m an introvert, but it’s not my personality that makes me hate gyms so much. It’s more that I don’t like spending money for the following:

1. Waiting in line just to run in place, especially since running outside is available.

2.  Trainers yelling at me. Some people are into that, I know, but I’m more into positive motivation. I used to take a kickboxing class with the Ravens trainer and he often screamed at me and one time he called me a “lazy mare.” Actually, what he said was, “I said speed kicks, you lazy mare!” Whatever. The joke was obviously on him because horses don’t even know about kickboxing.

3. Strange men with large muscles staring at me.

4. Old naked ladies in the locker room trying to converse with me and coming way too close with their weird boobs.

5. People watching my fitness class. I like the classes themselves, but it’s a bit like being part of a zoo exhibit…except I’m doing Zumba.

6. Yoga. I love yoga, but I prefer to do it alone because everyone knows not to trust hippy farts in a hot room.

7. Sweating or breathing heavily in front of other people–for some reason it reminds me of the way I feel when eating hot dogs in front of other people. I’d prefer to eat my hot dogs alone, thank you very much.

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