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The Girl Who Ignored Ghosts

28 Oct

Last year was my first visit to the Baltimore Book Festival and it was also a chance to meet Kourtney Heintz, an award-winning author and blogger/internet friend turned real-life friend. We met up again for this year’s book festival.

Since her last visit, Kourtney completed and published another novel–here is the cover and review from Publishers Weekly:


“By centering her supernatural world on the concept of belief, adult author Tansley (The Six Train to Wisconsin, writing as Kourtney Heintz) gives her story a complex and unusual framework, and having the formerly possessed Kat become a possessor herself, as she inhabits another woman’s body while in the past, puts a neat spin on conventional ghost story motifs.” — Publishers Weekly

The Girl Who Ignored Ghosts is a YA murder mystery at its finest, folks. This is a great time of year to read it, too. Then again, what time of year isn’t great for murder and mystery?

So Kourtney visited again this year and our adventure included more drinks and another exchange of fun ideas, talk of sweating, and of course, my two hours of questions for the author. I so admire Kourtney for having the imagination, discipline and passion it takes to be a successful author. She genuinely breathes this stuff!

I also learned she goes to Hooters with her mom, which is awesome. I don’t want to say I do nothing entertaining with my mom, but I’ve definitely never been to Hooters with her (step up your game, mom!!!).

Anyway. She had a successful visit and I hope she publishes books every year so we can hang out and I can annoy her with my questions about writing. Love you, buddy! Congrats!

Thoughts From a Drunk Girl…Ok, Woman…Pt. 2

21 Oct

Have there really only been two of these? Probably not, but who am I to question my drunk titles? I have some things to say because these are the things I’m thinking:

  1. When did I become a woman? God, that’s weird.
  2. There’s a mouse in my kitchen right now. I don’t want to have to go back in because I don’t want to make eye contact with him because then I’ll have to keep him and name him something lame because that’s what I do. Oh god, I’m out of wine….Stilwell! His name shall be Stilwell.
  3. I don’t write as much anymore because my entire life has changed and I barely identify with and have time for that side of me. Weird, right? I miss this part of me the most. It will be back. I swear to god. Oh wait, here it is.
  4. I still like farts even though I’m 31, but I will say they are most appreciated when comedically timed and not happening in front of a fan.
  5. Everyone has said I would want kids someday. They weren’t wrong. Thanks, aging and maternal instincts or body clock, or whatever. We’re all getting older and we all are going to die someday. Deal with it. Sorry about that.
  6. I actually enjoy giving candy to kids on Halloween now. I used to be so cynical about that before. I even like dressing as a Disney princess to make them happy. WHAT!?
  7. Getting older also means being an adult about other things–like facing the past. Fuck you past, you don’t know me. I mean, thanks for making me the me I am now, or whatever, but otherwise? Go away.
  8. Wait, back to being a mom. I think I would do the weirdest stuff. I would google, like, “how to mom.” Many years from now, my son will find this blog and be like “WHAT THE HELL, MOM?” and I’ll shrug and be like:
  9. 1017152306b_HDR


  1.  Also, what should his name be? Stilwell? Also, yaaaa I don’t know why the list just restarted. Just ignore it. Like I said, I’m drunk.
  2. Stilwell. God, that’s such a terrible name. All I can think of is that dick kid from “A League of Their Own.” Remember that? If anyone wants to drink wine with me and cry themselves into a wine coma with me while watching that movie, I’m available on most nights. I prefer a Friday night though because my face gets all puffy when I cry now though because I’m 90.
  3. His name….his name….something classic.
  4. What am I talking about?
  5. You know what I love? Candy. Fucking candy is so good.
  6. Not actually fucking the candy though, that’s weird. I guess properly it would be, “Candy is so fucking good.”  Anyway.
  7. Guys? I’m drunk. Drunk skunk. Lol that sounds like Russian Rocky and Bullwinkle lady. “Drunk like skunk.”

How to Woman

20 Aug

Here is how to woman. This might not be how all women have womaned, but it’s the way I’ve done it and I’m a woman, so that’s how I know I’m an authority on the subject:

How to Woman

Have high hopes
Read magazines about how to woman
Buy all the products
Drink water
Find job
Find “your thing”
Torture body to look good for man
Try to attract man
Try to attract man
Search more for a man to attract
Find man
Scare off man
Search for new man
Get ruined by man
Try to understand what men want
Be confused about what you want
Do what the internet tells you to do
Search for man, but try to be aloof about it
Attract immature, douchey men
Lose all hope
Be bitter, but hide behind a sense of humor
Decide you don’t need a man
Stretch more and play and really just enjoy the shit out of your own good company
Throw idea of perfection out window
Throw relationship games out window
Throw idea of who you’re supposed to be out window
Be the weirdo you were born to be
Get a raise
Start owning body and feeling beautiful
Suddenly attract too many men
Tell men to back off while you do you
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine
Gain 10 pounds
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine, but in moderation
Keep up on hobbies and exercise
Go outside
Get that D (that vitamin D, I mean)
Be grateful and happy for those around you
Get another raise
Own the mother-cussing frick out of every situation
Fail a bit
Own again
Be open to new situations
Attract one man who might be worth your time
Have fun with man, be self, love man, be loved by man
Get engaged to man
Panic because you aren’t used to this
Try not to sabotage self
Communicate with man
Understand that he accepts you
Coexist in weirdness

Marry man, I guess? Go on adventures, probably. I don’t know. I’m not at this part yet, but I’ll let you know.

My. Perfect. Day. Is. Ruined.

24 Jul

I’m a reasonable, easygoing woman, and I didn’t think I’d face any obstacles while planning a wedding. Unfortunately, I’m here to report that I was wrong. Way wrong, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Nothing is turning out the way I had hoped and I’m in need of some serious advice.

First of all, my wedding planner told me that Key West doesn’t give you a free, majestic horse to ride bareback down the aisle and then take home because you’re a queen now. Yup, you read correctly–no free horse. My future husband is expecting an ethereal goddess to arrive via horseback, so what will he think when he sees me walking? I may die from embarrassment.

Then I found out my bridesmaids aren’t willing to wear what clearly is the loveliest dress of all time:



I might be able to talk them into it, but I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.

You’re likely asking yourself what else could possibly go wrong. Well, if the above wasn’t disastrous enough, today I learned that my dress doesn’t even light up. Like, zero fiber optics, when all I’ve really ever wanted is to flow gracefully down the aisle (on horseback) while illuminated like a jellyfish queen.



Tell me, what kind of bride would I be without 24,000 ultra bright rainbow color changing LEDs? One time, I heard about this man who jumped in a river to drown himself after seeing his bride because she was too ugly and would decrease his social standing. Okay, so maybe that was in China and an arranged marriage, BUT STILL. We’ll never know what may have blossomed if only her fiber optics had been on point!

So, where do I go from here? I’m freaking out because the day that’s supposed to be the best day of my entire life is like, ruined, and Sean is going to try to drown himself and then the only man left on earth will be some short guy that wears a necklace and has a Napoleon complex and his name will be Bruno or Rocco or something, which I guess doesn’t matter, but I just really prefer a tall man because that’s sexy, yes, but also because he needs to be able to reach the top shelves and also those high-up spiders.


From Old Bay to Hemingway

15 Jun

Hi folks! Today I joined the Hitched family over at Baltimore Bride magazine. I’ll be writing about my wedding adventures once or twice per month and my first post just went up today: From Old Bay to Hemingway: Destination Key West.

I hope to post stories here, too, especially when things get weird (you know, all the good stuff).

Honestly, planning is going okay so far considering I have no idea how to be a blushing bride. Telling others about the venue has been entertaining, though. I guess it could be disconcerting to hear someone is getting married at a place that has 40-50 polydactyl cats (that means six toes, yo).

Anyway. Have a good evening! Or a good day if you’re in Australia, which is where a lot of my daily views have come from over the last few weeks. Hi, Australia!

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story

2 Jun

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story:

I write you today with big news. Last month I was snorkeling and when I emerged angelically from the ocean (flopping and out of breath), I found my boyfriend digging something up on the beach. At first I yelled at him because I thought it was a bug nest of some kind, but it turned out to be a treasure chest and now I’m engaged and getting married. To a man! A real human man who isn’t even elderly or a male order husband! And we’ve met in real life and not only in my imagination!

You may be shocked by this news, and are likely a bit disappointed. That’s expected. Although it hurts at the moment, please have faith that the day will come when your hearts no longer ache. I do have one suggestion for you guys, though–try acting a little quicker next time.

Not that you’ll be invited back, or anything. Please go ahead and consider this letter as an official withdrawal of all services requested from you between 1993-1999 and once in 2002. Okay?

Okay. So, that’s it. Thank you for all the years of imaginary kissing, I guess.

Oh, and I forgive you for not getting back to me about prom. You missed a good time that night. Yours truly won the raffle and it was wild and I was like whhhaaaaaat am I going to do with a certificate for a fondue dinner for two? Take my dad? I mean, I did take him and we enjoyed it, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatevs. The point here is that you lost out on a free dinner, sexy dudes.

Anyway, I’ll stop drawing this thing out. I’d hate to see you getting emotional over me. What’s done is done.

Go. Go on now. You’re free.


Lauren (the odd girl who sent you a photo of herself rocking a bolo tie on picture day and carries no regrets)

Isn't she adorable.

Strange Creatures

12 May

Last night I was sitting on the couch daydreaming about Bahia Honda and our upcoming trip to the Florida Keys when out of the corner of my eye I saw my boyfriend examining his stomach.

Me: What are you doing?

Him: I think it’s weird how your stomach feels soft and beautiful and mine is like furry, gritty sandpaper.

Me: ……….

Him: Girls are such strange creatures.

Book Design/Logo Progress

28 Mar

Waiting for someone to complete a design that will represent your published work is extremely exciting and nerve-racking, especially when it feels like it’s taking forrrevvveeerrrrr.

Throughout this entire process, I’ve learned that patience is key. One of the top issues that critics have with books that are “self-published,” is a lack of professional quality. That quality will only come from taking the time to research publishing and design and from hiring a designer if you aren’t one yourself. I have two designers, one is creating my logo and the other, my boyfriend, is designing the book. Without them, I would end up with a random picture with the title on it…..something like this:


Regardless of whether that’s a great read, I found the cover on and lord knows none of us want to end up there.

So, if you choose the path of self-publishing, try to be patient. Every aspect of the book deserves special attention if you want to end up with excellent quality. Also, if your designer is cool enough, he might share the progress with you so you don’t go super insane while waiting “forrevvvveeerrr” for the final (which is coming soon!):




You can check out Jeremy Friend’s work and process on instagram @jeremyfriend and at

How to Winter

3 Mar

Based on personal experience and observations of others, this is how to winter:

  1. Celebrate drink-related fake things during the week like “Taco Tuesday” and “Wine Wednesday” because as you age you suddenly need a reason to drink too many margaritas or glasses of wine on a weeknight.

  2. Look super pale and deathly like the objectified models in ads that can embed themselves into the subconscious mind (you go, girl!)

  3. Stare out into the night with your hand on the window and sing a made up, melancholic song to confuse your boyfriend. They like that.

  4. Sled or ice skate, I guess, if you like that sort of thing.

  5. Get out of town with your hubby for a weekend getaway to Cabo or the Caymans or whatever! Or, if you’re poor or single, or both, try wearing a bikini and cranking up the heat one evening and just pretend! It’s all the same!

  6. Complain about winter on Facebook until it finally gets God’s attention.

  7. Wrap yourself up in a blanket like a burrito. That’s fun.

  8. Try to blog, but delete every post because “it’s dumb.”

  9. Don’t worry about completing posts, especially when your boyfriend is loudly singing Janis Joplin in your ear. It’s distracting.

Top Six Holiday Must-Haves!

12 Dec

Christmas is almost here! Still not sure what to buy for that picky special someone? You came to the right place because today I am highlighting THE holiday must-haves this season. These festive gift ideas are bound to delight your loved ones and may even leave a few speechless!! Fun!!!!!!!


1. Why not show your parents how much you love them this year with a super stylish scorpion chair? It’s 6.5 feet tall and will look great in any house. And guess what? It’s only $5,750!



2. This unique 2015 calendar features pooping dogs–perfect for the mother-in-law or your boss who has everything.



3. A Guy Will Rub Condiments On His Chest for $11.79+. Your surprised girlfriend of three years will scream things like “What the hell is wrong with you, Steve!?” and “I wish you were dead!” She’ll get over herself pretty quickly though because this guy is truly a fun treat!!


4. You know how your picky cat loves wearing clothes? Well he will REALLY love wearing his new lion mane cat hat which also happens to make him look like he’s in a hair band! Just look at this cuddly little guy! Adorbs!


5. Blow his mind this Christmas with a leather banana holder for his bike. He needs this, chica. Only $55.00!



6. I don’t know about you guys, but my Facebook feed is simply packed with goodies like ultrasounds and depressing news. Try ignoring the bad news and celebrate the gift of life (hopefully!) with your favorite pregnant couple this Christmas by stealing the ultrasound and getting a 3D print of the unborn fetus! They will feel so special and will definitely have a place to put it.



That’s it! Gosh, I just love Christmas!!!!!! You can find more delights at Happy Holidays, everyone!


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