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A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Back From The Funeral Home

10 Jan

I dropped my phone and broke it, had a few drinks at the bar, drunkenly took a book about “hope in a time of despair” from one of those little free library book things and immediately spilled wine on it and then my internet was down and then I locked myself out of the house and I fell and then I cried with my friend and then I talked and I talked and I talked about life and love and then my other friend threw up and really, I could keep going but I’ll stop because you likely get the gist​ by now, but if you don’t, let me just say that​ life is a comedy and a love song and a gorgeous catastrophe from which we cannot escape because no one’s getting out alive.

Death, am I right? So weird. Around here we avoid the topic, but it forces its way into our lives one way or another. In these moments I am fully aware of just how much I love the people in my life. Like, I am in love with these people. They are funny and they bring me joy and laughter and they accept me despite the things I do when I’m just trying to avoid death. They listen to me when I talk myself in circles and cause my own fit of anxiety. They comfort me in the right ways when I’m cold and blank inside.

They know when I’m feigning toughness because I’m actually wearing my giant, hopeful heart on my sleeve 24-7 and there’s nothing I can do about it. They teach me all the time and I’m a better woman for it.

I’m weird. They’re weird. And they’ve taught me just how much it’s okay to be wholly and unapologetically me.

So anyway, all of this popped into my brain last night when we were on the way back from the funeral home and while I was 100% in the midst of my own tornado of me and I had to laugh at it all because, like, this is life and it’s absurd and fun and I wouldn’t want it to be any other way.

The Eve of the Eve of New Year’s Eve

29 Dec

On this, the eve of the eve of New Year’s Eve, I just want to take a moment to thank 2015 for being wonderful. Granted–there were many personal lessons. And we all saw plenty of bad news happening around the world.

Sure, there were a million and a half moments when I was like, “what the hell?” and lots of times when I thought of running away and hiding in a cave like that one renegade sheep in New Zealand did because he didn’t like getting his hair cut. Remember that guy? Six years later I would emerge from the cave, probably looking a disillusioned wooly fool like he did:
 
shrek the sheep

 

And then I’d have to face my spring shearing anyway, wouldn’t I? Yes, I would, and I’d be cursing under my breath the entire time for not facing it all a little sooner.

So thank you, 2015, for showing me how to be in my power and harness the strength needed to face my spring shearings head on. Because of these experiences, I’d even say I feel like a different me. A better version of me. I mean, I’m still me, but it’s me with a bunch of cool upgrades–La La 2.0, if you will (fully equipped with a lifetime guarantee, and definitely not in need of Adobe updates).

Also, I should note that I wasn’t actually afraid of getting a haircut. I’m good to go in that area.

Anyway, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful New Year, and thank you to the readers who have been hunting me down to ask where I’ve been. I love you guys and appreciate that more than you know.

The Girl Who Ignored Ghosts

28 Oct

Last year was my first visit to the Baltimore Book Festival and it was also a chance to meet Kourtney Heintz, an award-winning author and blogger/internet friend turned real-life friend. We met up again for this year’s book festival.

Since her last visit, Kourtney completed and published another novel–here is the cover and review from Publishers Weekly:

amazontgwig

“By centering her supernatural world on the concept of belief, adult author Tansley (The Six Train to Wisconsin, writing as Kourtney Heintz) gives her story a complex and unusual framework, and having the formerly possessed Kat become a possessor herself, as she inhabits another woman’s body while in the past, puts a neat spin on conventional ghost story motifs.” — Publishers Weekly

The Girl Who Ignored Ghosts is a YA murder mystery at its finest, folks. This is a great time of year to read it, too. Then again, what time of year isn’t great for murder and mystery?

So Kourtney visited again this year and our adventure included more drinks and another exchange of fun ideas, talk of sweating, and of course, my two hours of questions for the author. I so admire Kourtney for having the imagination, discipline and passion it takes to be a successful author. She genuinely breathes this stuff!

I also learned she goes to Hooters with her mom, which is awesome. I don’t want to say I do nothing entertaining with my mom, but I’ve definitely never been to Hooters with her (step up your game, mom!!!).

Anyway. She had a successful visit and I hope she publishes books every year so we can hang out and I can annoy her with my questions about writing. Love you, buddy! Congrats!

Thoughts From a Drunk Girl…Ok, Woman…Pt. 2

21 Oct

Have there really only been two of these? Probably not, but who am I to question my drunk titles? I have some things to say because these are the things I’m thinking:

  1. When did I become a woman? God, that’s weird.
  2. There’s a mouse in my kitchen right now. I don’t want to have to go back in because I don’t want to make eye contact with him because then I’ll have to keep him and name him something lame because that’s what I do. Oh god, I’m out of wine….Stilwell! His name shall be Stilwell.
  3. I don’t write as much anymore because my entire life has changed and I barely identify with and have time for that side of me. Weird, right? I miss this part of me the most. It will be back. I swear to god. Oh wait, here it is.
  4. I still like farts even though I’m 31, but I will say they are most appreciated when comedically timed and not happening in front of a fan.
  5. Everyone has said I would want kids someday. They weren’t wrong. Thanks, aging and maternal instincts or body clock, or whatever. We’re all getting older and we all are going to die someday. Deal with it. Sorry about that.
  6. I actually enjoy giving candy to kids on Halloween now. I used to be so cynical about that before. I even like dressing as a Disney princess to make them happy. WHAT!?
  7. Getting older also means being an adult about other things–like facing the past. Fuck you past, you don’t know me. I mean, thanks for making me the me I am now, or whatever, but otherwise? Go away.
  8. Wait, back to being a mom. I think I would do the weirdest stuff. I would google, like, “how to mom.” Many years from now, my son will find this blog and be like “WHAT THE HELL, MOM?” and I’ll shrug and be like:
  9. 1017152306b_HDR

 

  1.  Also, what should his name be? Stilwell? Also, yaaaa I don’t know why the list just restarted. Just ignore it. Like I said, I’m drunk.
  2. Stilwell. God, that’s such a terrible name. All I can think of is that dick kid from “A League of Their Own.” Remember that? If anyone wants to drink wine with me and cry themselves into a wine coma with me while watching that movie, I’m available on most nights. I prefer a Friday night though because my face gets all puffy when I cry now though because I’m 90.
  3. His name….his name….something classic.
  4. What am I talking about?
  5. You know what I love? Candy. Fucking candy is so good.
  6. Not actually fucking the candy though, that’s weird. I guess properly it would be, “Candy is so fucking good.”  Anyway.
  7. Guys? I’m drunk. Drunk skunk. Lol that sounds like Russian Rocky and Bullwinkle lady. “Drunk like skunk.”
  8. I DONT KNOW WHY THIS NUMBERED LIST RESTARTED IN NUMBERS. I WASN’T DONE.

How to Woman

20 Aug

Here is how to woman. This might not be how all women have womaned, but it’s the way I’ve done it and I’m a woman, so that’s how I know I’m an authority on the subject:

How to Woman

Have high hopes
Read magazines about how to woman
Buy all the products
Exfoliate
Drink water
Find job
Find “your thing”
Torture body to look good for man
Try to attract man
Try to attract man
Search more for a man to attract
Find man
Scare off man
Search for new man
Get ruined by man
Try to understand what men want
Be confused about what you want
Do what the internet tells you to do
Search for man, but try to be aloof about it
Attract immature, douchey men
Lose all hope
Be bitter, but hide behind a sense of humor
Decide you don’t need a man
Stretch more and play and really just enjoy the shit out of your own good company
Throw idea of perfection out window
Throw relationship games out window
Throw idea of who you’re supposed to be out window
Be the weirdo you were born to be
Get a raise
Start owning body and feeling beautiful
Suddenly attract too many men
Tell men to back off while you do you
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine
Gain 10 pounds
Eat pizza and Oreos and drink the wine, but in moderation
Keep up on hobbies and exercise
Go outside
Get that D (that vitamin D, I mean)
Be grateful and happy for those around you
Get another raise
Own the mother-cussing frick out of every situation
Own
Fail a bit
Own again
Be open to new situations
Attract one man who might be worth your time
Have fun with man, be self, love man, be loved by man
Get engaged to man
Panic because you aren’t used to this
Try not to sabotage self
Communicate with man
Understand that he accepts you
Coexist in weirdness

Marry man, I guess? Go on adventures, probably. I don’t know. I’m not at this part yet, but I’ll let you know.

My. Perfect. Day. Is. Ruined.

24 Jul

I’m a reasonable, easygoing woman, and I didn’t think I’d face any obstacles while planning a wedding. Unfortunately, I’m here to report that I was wrong. Way wrong, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Nothing is turning out the way I had hoped and I’m in need of some serious advice.

First of all, my wedding planner told me that Key West doesn’t give you a free, majestic horse to ride bareback down the aisle and then take home because you’re a queen now. Yup, you read correctly–no free horse. My future husband is expecting an ethereal goddess to arrive via horseback, so what will he think when he sees me walking? I may die from embarrassment.

Then I found out my bridesmaids aren’t willing to wear what clearly is the loveliest dress of all time:

hotpink

SAY YES TO THIS DRESS ALREADY

I might be able to talk them into it, but I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.

You’re likely asking yourself what else could possibly go wrong. Well, if the above wasn’t disastrous enough, today I learned that my dress doesn’t even light up. Like, zero fiber optics, when all I’ve really ever wanted is to flow gracefully down the aisle (on horseback) while illuminated like a jellyfish queen.

glowdress

WHY WON’T THEY LET ME BE THIS BEAUTIFUL?

Tell me, what kind of bride would I be without 24,000 ultra bright rainbow color changing LEDs? One time, I heard about this man who jumped in a river to drown himself after seeing his bride because she was too ugly and would decrease his social standing. Okay, so maybe that was in China and an arranged marriage, BUT STILL. We’ll never know what may have blossomed if only her fiber optics had been on point!

So, where do I go from here? I’m freaking out because the day that’s supposed to be the best day of my entire life is like, ruined, and Sean is going to try to drown himself and then the only man left on earth will be some short guy that wears a necklace and has a Napoleon complex and his name will be Bruno or Rocco or something, which I guess doesn’t matter, but I just really prefer a tall man because that’s sexy, yes, but also because he needs to be able to reach the top shelves and also those high-up spiders.

HELP ME.

From Old Bay to Hemingway

15 Jun

Hi folks! Today I joined the Hitched family over at Baltimore Bride magazine. I’ll be writing about my wedding adventures once or twice per month and my first post just went up today: From Old Bay to Hemingway: Destination Key West.

I hope to post stories here, too, especially when things get weird (you know, all the good stuff).

Honestly, planning is going okay so far considering I have no idea how to be a blushing bride. Telling others about the venue has been entertaining, though. I guess it could be disconcerting to hear someone is getting married at a place that has 40-50 polydactyl cats (that means six toes, yo).

Anyway. Have a good evening! Or a good day if you’re in Australia, which is where a lot of my daily views have come from over the last few weeks. Hi, Australia!

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story

2 Jun

Dear Elijah Wood, Jeff Goldblum, Colt from 3 Ninjas, Marc Anthony, Potsie from Happy Days, Miles from Murphy Brown and Atreyu from The NeverEnding Story:

I write you today with big news. Last month I was snorkeling and when I emerged angelically from the ocean (flopping and out of breath), I found my boyfriend digging something up on the beach. At first I yelled at him because I thought it was a bug nest of some kind, but it turned out to be a treasure chest and now I’m engaged and getting married. To a man! A real human man who isn’t even elderly or a male order husband! And we’ve met in real life and not only in my imagination!

You may be shocked by this news, and are likely a bit disappointed. That’s expected. Although it hurts at the moment, please have faith that the day will come when your hearts no longer ache. I do have one suggestion for you guys, though–try acting a little quicker next time.

Not that you’ll be invited back, or anything. Please go ahead and consider this letter as an official withdrawal of all services requested from you between 1993-1999 and once in 2002. Okay?

Okay. So, that’s it. Thank you for all the years of imaginary kissing, I guess.

Oh, and I forgive you for not getting back to me about prom. You missed a good time that night. Yours truly won the raffle and it was wild and I was like whhhaaaaaat am I going to do with a certificate for a fondue dinner for two? Take my dad? I mean, I did take him and we enjoyed it, but that’s neither here nor there. Whatevs. The point here is that you lost out on a free dinner, sexy dudes.

Anyway, I’ll stop drawing this thing out. I’d hate to see you getting emotional over me. What’s done is done.

Go. Go on now. You’re free.

Regards,

Lauren (the odd girl who sent you a photo of herself rocking a bolo tie on picture day and carries no regrets)

Isn't she adorable.

Strange Creatures

12 May

Last night I was sitting on the couch daydreaming about Bahia Honda and our upcoming trip to the Florida Keys when out of the corner of my eye I saw my boyfriend examining his stomach.

Me: What are you doing?

Him: I think it’s weird how your stomach feels soft and beautiful and mine is like furry, gritty sandpaper.

Me: ……….

Him: Girls are such strange creatures.

Book Design/Logo Progress

28 Mar

Waiting for someone to complete a design that will represent your published work is extremely exciting and nerve-racking, especially when it feels like it’s taking forrrevvveeerrrrr.

Throughout this entire process, I’ve learned that patience is key. One of the top issues that critics have with books that are “self-published,” is a lack of professional quality. That quality will only come from taking the time to research publishing and design and from hiring a designer if you aren’t one yourself. I have two designers, one is creating my logo and the other, my boyfriend, is designing the book. Without them, I would end up with a random picture with the title on it…..something like this:

ohmy

Regardless of whether that’s a great read, I found the cover on lousybookcovers.com and lord knows none of us want to end up there.

So, if you choose the path of self-publishing, try to be patient. Every aspect of the book deserves special attention if you want to end up with excellent quality. Also, if your designer is cool enough, he might share the progress with you so you don’t go super insane while waiting “forrevvvveeerrr” for the final (which is coming soon!):

IMG_20150314_141806

IMG_20150322_154046

Screenshot_2015-03-28-11-57-33-1

You can check out Jeremy Friend’s work and process on instagram @jeremyfriend and at www.jeremyfriend.com.


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