I’m a reasonable, easygoing woman, and I didn’t think I’d face any obstacles while planning a wedding. Unfortunately, I’m here to report that I was wrong. Way wrong, and I just don’t know what I’m going to do about it. Nothing is turning out the way I had hoped and I’m in need of some serious advice.
First of all, my wedding planner told me that Key West doesn’t give you a free, majestic horse to ride bareback down the aisle and then take home because you’re a queen now. Yup, you read correctly–no free horse. My future husband is expecting an ethereal goddess to arrive via horseback, so what will he think when he sees me walking? I may die from embarrassment.
Then I found out my bridesmaids aren’t willing to wear what clearly is the loveliest dress of all time:
I might be able to talk them into it, but I don’t know, you guys. I just don’t know.
You’re likely asking yourself what else could possibly go wrong. Well, if the above wasn’t disastrous enough, today I learned that my dress doesn’t even light up. Like, zero fiber optics, when all I’ve really ever wanted is to flow gracefully down the aisle (on horseback) while illuminated like a jellyfish queen.
Tell me, what kind of bride would I be without 24,000 ultra bright rainbow color changing LEDs? One time, I heard about this man who jumped in a river to drown himself after seeing his bride because she was too ugly and would decrease his social standing. Okay, so maybe that was in China and an arranged marriage, BUT STILL. We’ll never know what may have blossomed if only her fiber optics had been on point!
So, where do I go from here? I’m freaking out because the day that’s supposed to be the best day of my entire life is like, ruined, and Sean is going to try to drown himself and then the only man left on earth will be some short guy that wears a necklace and has a Napoleon complex and his name will be Bruno or Rocco or something, which I guess doesn’t matter, but I just really prefer a tall man because that’s sexy, yes, but also because he needs to be able to reach the top shelves and also those high-up spiders.