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Lesson #10 – Lists About Love

29 Aug

Recently I learned that you people can’t get enough of reading lists. You love them. Like LOVE them, and you seem to love lists even more when they are about relationships/knowing if he or she is “the one” even though the majority of those lists say the exact same thing.

So here for you now, as my 10th post on my journey through 30 lessons I’ve learned before 30, I will list 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one. However, WordPress won’t allow me to number this post…so this is a list of 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one, but with letters of the alphabet.

All the dudes out there may want to take notes.

a. He wrote me a song and it sounds like a choir of  early 90s keyboards gone wild. And here are some of the lyrics: “You must be Harry Potter’s sister, cause the way you work that broom make a playa say mmm mmm MMMMM.” Win.

b. I’ve met my match. Just this morning he blew his nose with toilet paper and when he came downstairs,  little bits of paper were scattered throughout his mustache. For once I am not the only one embarrassing myself in weird ways all the time. This man is my equal.

c. He rids my house of unwelcome bugs and that’s great because I no longer have to pretend I just didn’t see them. This is a major step up for me.

d. He draws me neat pictures.

e. He loves me even when I post stuff like this:

onmyway

f. He drives me to work when I don’t feel well and he is, like, so strong. Muscles. Carrying all the heavy things.

g. He holds my arm when we walk across cobblestone streets instead of making fun of me and allowing me to look like a drunk baby giraffe.

h. He does great impressions (he told me to put that).

i. He makes me hot dogs and doesn’t judge me for wanting at least three.

j. HE’S HELLA CUTE.

Captured

23 Apr

I want to frame your kisses,
write them down, keep them in deep pockets
and tightened in jars.

Much like a starlit sky,
warm summer sand
or the wowest we’ve ever felt (x infinity),

if only I could keep them (these magic moments),

I’d never have to wish for them ever,
not even once,
ever again.

Oh, Hello, I’m Drunk

2 Apr

Oh hi, everyone. I’m drunky at the bar on a Wednesday watching baseball. Whatevs. Here’s what I’m thinking:

1. Lots of balls up in baseball. Long ball. Curve ball. Balls in general.

2. This bar is a sausage fest. Mmmm, sausage. No, but seriously. Lots of dudes.

3. Just had a shot of tequila. It’s gross, but I pulled it off as a sassy shimmy.

4. Yay sports!

5. My boyfriend just said “if I came back and there was caviar here, I wouldn’t be mad.” So he’s maybe wasted (don’t worry, MADD, we’re walking home).

6. I just showed this to him and he said he didn’t say it and now he’s talking about Seinfeld while I’m typing.

7. Now he’s singing Lady Gaga.

8. I just played “Who Let The Dogs Out” on the jukebox. Gonna play it again soon.

9. Can’t wait to go to the beach and swim with exotic animals and run away in the Honduran jungle and become their island princess queen.

10. Seriously. It will be so romantic and my dude will hold me like in those romancey novel covers and then I am going to hold a monkey and swim with jaguars and ride a horse down the beach with wind in my hair and you are all gonna be jeeeeelous.

11. Sean just told me to say Michael Jordan playing for the White Sox was amazing and ’90s Ken Griffey Jr. was also neat.

12. The bartender just made fun of the way I say “huh?” and my response was to make my monkey face and now they’re talking about the monkey face. I’m leaving. Bye. I love you guys. So much.

13. PS – Sean just said “the last time I saw 3 balls and 2 strikes, I was at a circus.” (K, bud.)

14. He told me to add “circus in Tijuana” but I don’t feel like editing.

15. He’s lucky he’s cute. :)

16. Him: Baby wants mozzarellas?
Me: Sure.
Him: You are my Sicilian baby queen.
Me: (900 million smiles for infinity miles and stuff)

Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One?

11 Mar
vo

Photo from voactiv.com

 

This morning on Today, “Princeton Mom” Susan Patton promoted her new book Marry Smart: Advice for Finding the One by sharing some advice during her interview. She said college women should spend 75% of their time on finding a man to marry and 25% focusing on college/careers because work can wait but fertility cannot. Next, she mentioned that you shouldn’t get too drunk or too high at parties because if a man takes advantage of you, it’s your fault. She also said if you need body work to make you look better, get it done in high school.

Was I dreaming? Did I time travel? Was I in a Jane Austen novel? No, this interview was real and during it, I could have been awarded for achieving the biggest, most intense eye roll ever recorded in human history.

Look at this quote from a letter Patton published last year:

“Men regularly marry women who are younger, less intelligent and less educated. It’s amazing how forgiving men can be about a woman’s lack of erudition if she is exceptionally pretty.”

You probably get the point and understand why her opinions are angering and likely controversial on purpose (she says they aren’t), but if you need to read more, read this book review published by Wall Street Journal.

Susan Patton doesn’t have daughters and recently finalized her divorce from her husband. I could sit here and talk about how much more ridiculous that makes this situation, but instead I’ll give some better advice to young women who hope to marry and possibly have a family:

1. If you’re a college woman hoping to marry and start a family ASAP for whatever reason, try to balance out your studies and social time. Maybe you’ll meet a sexy dude and that’s awesome, but don’t fret if you don’t meet a sexy dude. It’s college, and a lot of guys aren’t exactly wearing their big boy pants yet anyway. Depending on your career choice, research shows that your sea of partner options does decrease after graduating from college, which means you may have to work a little harder to find a worthy guy on your intellectual level, but it doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

2. While a woman’s chances of having a baby decreases as she ages, there are other options and you shouldn’t allow a “ticking clock” to rule your state of mind. Why? Because it may result in rushing into a marriage and life that doesn’t make you happy and may end in regret, a lot of yelling and way too much vodka consumption.

3. There is nothing wrong with you whether you choose to marry and have a family later in life or if you choose to start early. I know successful, highly educated, happily married women who didn’t marry until they were around 36-38 and all of those women have children. I also know women who chose to marry early, have a career and babies and they are also happy.

4. If you choose to advance your career before finding a dude, don’t worry that there aren’t “normal” men out there. There are, but you may meet a few complete duds first (or if you’re me, a lot of duds….and now I’m wanting some delicious Milk Duds).

5. Don’t get work done on your body in high school unless you actually need it for medical reasons. I can’t believe anyone would even consider that. Learn to respect your body first and be honest with yourself about body image (and yes, I know that isn’t easy). If you do choose to get body work that young, just remember that surgeries will not always (if at all) cover self-esteem issues.

6. Be responsible at parties and take care of yourself. If you get too drunk or too high, it can end very badly and no one wants you to get raped/hurt by some idiot, be stuck without Fritos when you get the extreme munchies or have a terrible hangover when it could be avoided.

7. Finally, don’t buy that woman’s book or her extremist views. While she feels it’s helpful and honest, not all young women can find happiness or “the one” by fitting a mold, not focusing on a career, looking a certain way or acting a certain way. We are all different (thank god), so deal with it already.

Idea Sun Bursting

2 Aug

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4.30.13

Connecting the dots on his neck,
my lips making constellations
in the celestial sphere, exposed,
we smoothly spread in the vault of heaven

 

Verb

Some are lucky enough to
uproot, escape
the blind cacophony of
aahs and oohs,

and blend
freely, openly
into the Ultimate Verb

 

Eros, Philia and Agape

One soul, two bodies,
both with hopeful intensity
that transcends physical appetite.
My best friend, equal, alike in virtue,
we know passion without necessity of reciprocity.
Pure, this is love that consumes and surpasses all else.

History of Taco Tuesday

4 Jun

In my new religion, today is an important day. It is both my duty and pleasure to share the history of this sacred holy day with the community (just imagine that Andrew of Shut Up Dad and I am at your front door and you answer and Andrew hands you an informational pamphlet and NO your passive aggressive huffing and puffing won’t get us to hurry…so listen up).

It began long ago on a Tuesday when the mists of light arose through the darkness to animate and bring purpose to the First Meeting of the First Man and First Woman at Chi Chi’s…many years prior to the Mexican restaurant’s fatal hepatitis A outbreak. As I recall, I had a birthday party there in 1993 which involved a little birthday song that rhymed “birthday” with “olé” and then they gave my fat ass some free fried ice cream and a sombrero that I still own. No one even gives out free sombreros anymore, it’s so disappointing.

I digress. Apologies.

So anyway, the First Man and First Woman went to Chi Chi’s. Unto them many tacos and margaritas were served, which assisted in joyous conversation and a fine First Meeting. Thus, the First Man and First Woman celebrated, for this was a day the food gods had made, and it was good.

The two felt a spiritual connection, one likely brought on by the warmth of the western wind…or maybe just the excess of margaritas…perhaps both. Regardless, it led them back to his place.

Shortly after they arrived, a Mayan drum song began to play out of nowhere and kissing stuff happened and soon even touching stuff happened, too. Even though the First Woman’s mother insisted that all women who sleep with men upon the First Meeting are dirty little hussies and trollops, the two spent the night together as one in bliss. This ignited an eternal fire–it’s light was the mind’s first awakening.

A wolf’s howl can be heard every Tuesday at 10:32 pm as a symbolic reminder of this magical occurrence.

In remembrance, we are called to worship on this spicy Sabbath day through taco and/or margarita consumption, writing poetry and making sweet, sweet love with a consenting partner (or hand) while playing the video below because of the intense passionate music mixed and wolf pictures.

Seriously, if nothing else, do it to the video/song. The sounds of your love-making will reverberate off the rooftops, I promise.

Anyway, have a happy, safe Taco Tuesday!

 

La La’s Relationship Advice Column

22 May

Yesterday on Facebook I asked for people to submit questions to me about relationships. I’ve always secretly wanted an advice column in the newspaper and I thought this would give me a chance to try it out.

I am splitting this up into two posts, so don’t fret if your question is not answered below.

Here we go.

 

1. Why do I always have to brush my teeth before kissing my wife? 

Here’s the deal. Boys are stinky pretty much all the time and we women have to deal with it and that’s okay because we love you. So you’re walkin’ around stinkin’ it up like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown while us gals smell like beautifulness and angel nectar because we never poop or sweat. It’s true, we don’t do either of those things. So, you have to brush your teeth before you kiss your wife because she has to smell your putridness all the time–should she really have to taste it, too?

 

2. Does the carpet always match the drapes?

When you think about it, if the carpet always matched the drapes, most women would have bald heads or mohawks. Some women would have pubic highlights that would end up looking like stripes. If this were the 70’s, we would all have afros. Actually, that would be really funny. So, in conclusion, the answer is no, the carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but it would be funny if this were the 70’s and we all had afros. Haha, and oh my god, “disco balls” would play and active role in my sexual vocabulary.

 

3. Is it sweet or perverted that my husband signs his notes and cards to me: “Your Love Muscle”….

WELL, if nothing else, he’s a sneaky wordsmith because we don’t know if he’s referring to his heart or his penis. Very clever indeed, good sir. Is he a husband in love or a husband in lust? We’ll never know for certain, but I’m going to say it’s probably both and that he’s a sweet pervert, just to keep you on your toes.

 

4. My boyfriend doesn’t want to get busy as much as I do. He thinks a dozen or so times a week is fine, but that’s barely enough to get my motor running. What’s the best way to get him to perform his boyfriendly duties to my satisfaction?

I recently faced this same issue. My suggestion is that you dress up as things that guys like–perhaps a food item like chips, for example. Guys love chips. I personally chose to take a bath in whiskey and dress up as football running back Marshawn Lynch and this nearly tripled my weekly sexy time encounters. I yelled, “touchdown!” at the good part, too. He liked that.

 

5. How do I get my boyfriend to propose to me? We’ve talked about it and he says he has a plan, but it hasn’t happened yet!

There are a few simple things you can do that will get him on his knee in no time:

1. Do nice things to his manly bits. Tune his horn…if you know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.

2. Fine. Blowjays. There. I said it.

3. Be passive aggressive about the fact that he’s taking his sweet ass time. Men love that.

 

6. How should I ask my girlfriend to marry me?

It’s hard to think of something original, I know. I think you should surprise her by bursting through the bathroom door while she’s sitting on the toilet and just hand it to her. What a delightful surprise! She will never expect it! (The lady in question 5 can go ahead and roll her eyes because question 6 has nothing to do with her…of course).

 

I hope I was able to offer helpful advice today. I will be back next week to answer more of your questions! In the mean time, please feel free to ask me anything in the comments below!

Tips for Ladies

28 Feb

Sometimes I like to share tips with the ladies. Today, I would like to touch base with you on some things that make me a very attractive woman. Perhaps you will benefit if you try these things too…whether you are single, trying to keep the passion alive in your current relationship or just trying to feel really good about yourself.

1. Like cool music. Today I was late for work today because I was listening to Phil Collins. I was late yesterday because I was listening to Toto. On Sunday night, I was listening to Tom Jones. Also, I once drove 4 hours to see Asia in concert.
 
Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.34 AM
 
2. Wear something sexy to bed every night. I wear this to bed and boys probably love it:
 
tobed
 
3. Wear pretty jewelry that accents your arm hair. I caught my arm hair in my bracelet this morning and now there is a big red mark. Perfect! When I get home this evening there are bound to be some boys in my yard, if not all of them.

4. Have classy dinners. Here is mine from last night. It’s pizza and wine in a bag that I drank from the spigot:
 
pizza
 
5. Leave a ring of ankle hair and just a tiny bit of toe hair on one foot. If you have a significant other, he will not only stay for breakfast, but also second breakfast and even elevenses.

6. Wear an intoxicating scent. Right now I have on “menthol” from the Biofreeze pain relief line. Men will ask, “what is that putrid stench?” and you will smile with confidence, knowing that it is you.

7. Drink coffee from a designer mug. This is my mug:
 

420280_10100792630524055_2016540494_n

I know.


 
8. Do a dance when you are nervous. I do the robot.

9. Have an intense, boisterous guffaw as your laugh. You’ve heard mine in my videos. Guys seem to really like it a lot.

10. Always carry an extra thong in your bag just in case there’s a chance of you getting sexy with someone tonight…or in case you pee a little while laughing.

How to Have a Happy Valentine’s Day

14 Feb

Here is how to have a good day today whether you’re happily married, single, your wife hates you, or your boyfriend is abroad:

1. Quit yer bitching and be grateful.

2. Look nice. Shave for once. It feels good to look good.

3. Wear something festive. Today my underpants are pink. It’s like a secret party in there that no one can see.

4. Eat a lot of M&M’s.

5. Give candy to your co-workers because the fatter they are, the happier you are.

6. Laugh at funny things on the internet.

 

IMG956054 (1)

 

7. Fart on really pretty people. They deserve it.

8. Dance and/or drink excessively.

9. Eat more M&M’s.

10. Go to bed remembering that some people only feel special today while YOU feel special every day.

Oh, I’m So Lovely

12 Feb

I guess I got an award from twindaddy.

one-lovely-blog-award

 

Thanks, buddy! I don’t usually participate, but I feel like sharing some fun facts, so here we go.

 

1. Last Valentine’s Day, Dane threatened to take me to Medieval Times for dinner. He even sent me a photo of the place etc… and said he was picking up the tickets. We didn’t go there (thank god), but instead went to a Greek rooftop restaurant called The Olive Room where we ate perhaps the best calamari of all time.

2. Last Thursday I ate an entire cake for dinner and I carry no regrets.

3. I do EFT. I know 99% of you will think it’s nuts, so hold on to your butts. Ha, poet. This one is relevant for this week.
 

 

4. I would probably still be a devout Catholic if communion tasted like pretzel dogs.

5. On Sunday I was blazing mad and taking my clothes off at the same time and I kicked my panties so hard that they flew up and landed on my head.

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