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The Gospel According to Sexy Halloween Jesus

12 Sep

I haven’t been wanting to write recently, but apparently I tried to give it a go after my friend Dina’s birthday luau the other night. I was rereading it this morning and it seems that things quickly escalated from this:

 

luau

 

to this:

 

I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. Hi. HI. Hey. The way the light is hitting my floor right now I can see a stinky dog’s footprints. That stinky sneak. I went to a luau tonight, but was still hung over from Jaime’s birthday party last night:

 

novacations

 

I made that my profile picture on Facebook, by the way, and someone commented on it to say she preferred the profile picture I had before because I looked stunning in it, but not so stunning in the one above.

This was the previous photo:

 

lamosc

 

So on the newer, goofy profile picture she commented, “There are NO VACATIONS from beauty.”

Yeesh, tough crowd. I don’t mean to make things awkward for that lady, but the guy at the party who took the picture said it was perfect and that I looked like “Sexy Halloween Jesus,” and that sounds to me like one of the highest and holiest of praises, like, ever.

Then he kneeled before me and I spaketh, “My many blessings are upon you and you may now rise, Sir Guy I Don’t Know.” (It sounds like I was knighting him, I know, but I wasn’t–that’s just how Sexy Halloween Jesus rolls.)

It was at that moment that my new apostle ascended up, up from his knees and into the kitchen to get another drink. I then had a shot of RumChata and it was a delight.

So, anyway, what I think that Facebook lady needs to do is shut her lady mouth, say a Halloween rosary and accept Sexy Halloween Jesus into her life, especially because Sexy Halloween Jesus is not as forgiving as regular Jesus.

Okay, well, it’s time for bed. Goodnight all, and don’t forget that I’ll be watching over you. I’m creeping right behind you, breathing on your little neck hairs because that’s what Sexy Halloween Jesus does after she has had too many grapefruit crushes. Those are really yummy, by the way…probably my new favorite drink.

Doin’ Da Butt

7 Aug

I was a shy, lonely child who had two imaginary friends, a mermaid named Adonna and a turtle named Turtle. They lived in the sewer. Every day during the summer, I would ride down our suburban street in my hot pink helmet on my little hot pink bike to the sewer drain and call down to them. I never actually saw them because it was dark in there, but we definitely chatted and sang songs (and don’t worry, you guys–when I finally made real friends, I helped Adonna and Turtle get back to the ocean. They’re wild and deserve to be free, after all).

When I got home from seeing them, I’d grab a snack and head to the basement to play school with stuffed animals or listen to music on my brother’s record player. I didn’t own many records, but I did have a few. One of best was “Mickey Mousercise,” which was basically Disney characters singing and doing aerobics for kids. It came with lyrics and silly moves you could do, such as the Tweedledee and Tweedledum example below.

 

mousercise

 

Another I enjoyed was a collection of songs for children. It included one song with the lyrics, “Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I’ll go eat worms. Big fat juicy ones, itty bitty slimy ones, oh how they wiggle and squirm.” Appropriate for any awkward child to sing, no?

 

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Guess I’ll go eat worms…

 

As much as I loved mousercising and singing about being a loser, neither of those records took precedence over my ultimate favorite, the single “Da Butt” by EU. I’m not sure how I even acquired it, but once I did, that song was played over and over and the kid you see above was doin’ da butt until a state of exhaustion…or bath time, whichever came first.  It’s an amazing song AND they say the word “butt,” which was funny as shit because I was a kid.

Okay…maybe it’s still funny. Yeah, it’s funny. Butts are funny.

So anyway, I revisited the song today and it performed magic upon mine ears and hindquarters, just as it did back then. I needed to share, of course.

Now, go ahead and allow yourself to fall under the spell of “Da Butt.”

You’re welcome.

 

Tips for Ladies

28 Feb

Sometimes I like to share tips with the ladies. Today, I would like to touch base with you on some things that make me a very attractive woman. Perhaps you will benefit if you try these things too…whether you are single, trying to keep the passion alive in your current relationship or just trying to feel really good about yourself.

1. Like cool music. Today I was late for work today because I was listening to Phil Collins. I was late yesterday because I was listening to Toto. On Sunday night, I was listening to Tom Jones. Also, I once drove 4 hours to see Asia in concert.
 
Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.34 AM
 
2. Wear something sexy to bed every night. I wear this to bed and boys probably love it:
 
tobed
 
3. Wear pretty jewelry that accents your arm hair. I caught my arm hair in my bracelet this morning and now there is a big red mark. Perfect! When I get home this evening there are bound to be some boys in my yard, if not all of them.

4. Have classy dinners. Here is mine from last night. It’s pizza and wine in a bag that I drank from the spigot:
 
pizza
 
5. Leave a ring of ankle hair and just a tiny bit of toe hair on one foot. If you have a significant other, he will not only stay for breakfast, but also second breakfast and even elevenses.

6. Wear an intoxicating scent. Right now I have on “menthol” from the Biofreeze pain relief line. Men will ask, “what is that putrid stench?” and you will smile with confidence, knowing that it is you.

7. Drink coffee from a designer mug. This is my mug:
 

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I know.


 
8. Do a dance when you are nervous. I do the robot.

9. Have an intense, boisterous guffaw as your laugh. You’ve heard mine in my videos. Guys seem to really like it a lot.

10. Always carry an extra thong in your bag just in case there’s a chance of you getting sexy with someone tonight…or in case you pee a little while laughing.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

20 Feb

People often ask me where I get my sense of humor. Well…here he is!

 

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“What ever happened to good old 50 Cent?” — Dennis, My Dad

 

My mom says that before I was born, my dad was a very serious person. Then, like magic, the earth was blessed with the miserable baby miracle of me and my dad’s number one goal from then on was to make me laugh.

My dad is my very best friend and I am so grateful to have him in my life! I love you!

Thank you for being so supportive, for teaching me about sports, showing me love, sneaking me candies before bedtime when I was growing up and, of course, thank you so much for always making me giggle. You’re the best!

I made a video montage so everyone could celebrate and watch him in action.

Enjoy!

 

#52

1 Feb

In the summer of 2001, I was lucky enough to be standing with a small group of people who were meeting the Ravens football team. They had just won Super Bowl XXXV a few months before and everyone was excited.

All of our favorites were signing that day and I recall vividly my brother Matt and his cute friend getting super worked up because Ray Lewis was coming.

 

Matt’s friend: HE’S COMING.

Me: I know! So exciting!

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I DO?!

Me: Get him to sign your football and say hi?

Matt’s friend: WHAT SHOULD I SAY?

Me: I don’t know. Play it cool. He doesn’t really have time to talk to us, anyway.

Matt’s friend: WE’RE NEXT. I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

Me: Oh my god, just chill out, you’re making me nervous.

 

::Ray Lewis appears before us, I see a light glimmering in Matt’s friend’s eyes::

 

Me: Hi Ray!

Matt’s friend (SO loudly): I’M WEARING MY RAY LEWIS UNDERPANTS.

Ray Lewis: Hah, that’s cool…I guess.

Me: That just happened.

 

::Ray Lewis moves on to much cooler people than us::

 

And that sums up the time I met #52, Ray Lewis. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Go Ravens! And yay Puppy Bowl!

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Thanks, Boys!

22 Jan

Today I feel famous for being kind of a loser. Here’s why:

 

Screen Shot 2013-01-22 at 10.56.48 AM

 

First of all, Simon, Twitter Maestro and author of sweetandweak, retweeted me to well over 4,000 people. That dude is a tweet magician.

Then, Twin Daddy got his inspiration from me for his Daily Prompt. He would like to get a video of my nose whistling. Boys are funny. And gross.

Also, David Harding said he is including me in a book of his AND he read the mess that is the makings of my book (where yes, I am a bit of a loser) and said he loved it.

AND…I just walked out of the lab and someone made red velvet cupcakes, so I think today is pretty much one of the best days ever.

So, that’s why today I feel a bit famous and yes,  proud to be kind of a loser who has a nose that whistles at the worst times imaginable.

Ugh.

Thanks guys.

Finally, I won’t be around the blogs as much because I am trying to write more and goof off less. I’ve never been very good at managing my time for these kinds of things. I once wrote a 40-page paper in a one week (and got an A, mind you) and my teacher said I was the only one who followed the directions. Weird.

I will still write here, just not as consistently, and I will do my best to comment on your blogs because I enjoy reading them. You all make me laugh and cry and some of you turn me on and many of you inspire me so very much. It’s a wild roller coaster of emotions, really. Jesus.

If you’ve ever laughed and then cried after being horny because of people you’ve never met…you will know what I mean.

Wow, I just reread that sentence.

See you soon!

 

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions and wins from being kind of lame.

Humorist. Storyteller. Poet. Ravens fan. Nose whistler who rarely follows directions.

 

Disney Princess Idea

17 Jan
IMG_20130117_102127

NYYAAH ZAABEEENNYAAAHH BABIDICHIBABA

 
In the fourth grade, I went to see The Lion King and had a truly magical experience. First of all, I sat next to Cal Ripken Jr. in the theater. Win. Secondly, I spent the next ten years or so thinking that after the NYYAAH ZAABEEENNYAAAHH BABIDICHIBABA bit, that they were chanting “pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom /pink pajamas, penguins on the bottom.”
 
Here, have a listen for yourself (at 27 seconds):

 

 

Now, allow me to smoothly segue into the real issue at hand, which is that while I long to look like a Disney Princess, there are none that I resemble quite like the way Becca resembles Ariel.

Hey, Disney, how about a sarcastic, green-eyed princess with dark hair who likes cake a lot? She actually sings and can ride a horse, too. Maybe her prince is older, funny and quite debonaire and saves her from real life situations like when she gets drunk and passes out in the basement. Or maybe she doesn’t get a prince at all and she just goes home and eats chips sometimes and dances in her underpants and every now and then she gets herself into some of the gosh darn kookiest situations. Perhaps her name is “Laurel,” you know, for whimsy sake.

She seems like a neat princess for your next fairy tale (of a charm city chick). See what I did there? So, what do you say? Disney? Hello? Anyone?

Obligatory Search Terms Post

15 Jan

There are many that stand out to me, but below are some of my favorite search terms from this past week. Of course the top search term was “tales of a charm city chick.” Yes, everyone, I can see that you look me up. The second search term was “Jonah Falcon’s dick,” which is still 13.5 inches in case anyone is wondering. No, I don’t know from experience, but I promise that you can find information about him elsewhere.

Okay, here we go.

Section 1:

Screenshot_2013-01-15-11-29-08-1

1. I will not strip on Skype, but I will do the robot for you to Tom Jones, though, so we should Skype some time.

2. It’s true, cats do not give even one single fuck.

3. I can do the Carmen Electra booty shake. I am small, but mighty.

Section 2:

Screenshot_2013-01-15-11-29-42-1

1. How to look hot like Marlon Brando. I don’t know, but if you are male, single and figure it out please CALL ME.

2. I am not available for purchase, but thank you for inquiring.

3. I have never discussed this topic, and I’m glad it has never happened to me.

4. YOU WENT OUT WITHOUT SOCKS…you risque little man, you.

Section 3:

Screenshot_2013-01-15-11-30-14-1

1. Aw, baby jesus wishes you a Merry Christmas, too.

2. I do have requirements, you can find them at this location. 

3. Someone got drunk and looked up a creepy topic about unicorns. For shame.

4. Canary yellow bridesmaids dresses are just lovely…I hope you found what you were looking for.

5. How to strip on Skype? 1. Turn on Tom Jones. 2. Take off your clothes, probably. You’re welcome. NEXT.

6. I love Lord of the Rings and all things hobbits, but girl hobbits are probably hairy, too. Just a warning.

IMG_20130115_130122_458 (1)

7. James Spader was hot as a young man. Agreed.

8. Who will strip for you on Skype? It still isn’t me. Try meeting someone and working for it. Lazy.

9. MY MOST FAVORITE SEARCH TERM OF THE LAST 7 DAYS. I don’t know. I don’t have words about this bodysuit. I don’t have a single thing to say besides THANK YOU for looking it up. Seriously, thank you.

 

Last but not least, if you haven’t seen it, this is my new future husband, Macklemore…. if Vyvacious doesn’t get to him first, of course. She’s gorgeous and loves her some Batman.

Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!

 

Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos

 

Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream

 

Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow

 

Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig

 

A majestic headpiece will wow your guests

 

Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece

 

I AM SO DOING THIS

 

Happy Thanksgiving

22 Nov

image

Cheers, everyone. This year I am most thankful for this wine and the creativity and friendship of every one of you. Okay…mostly for the wine. Just kidding. If I could have you guys and this wine at the same time, that would be great. Not like “have” have you, though. A blogger orgy would be a weird orgy. Too nerdy and thinky, probably.

Confession: I’d like Chris and red wine right about now. That would be perfect. Le sigh…I’m quite a dreamy romantic, believe it or not.

Guys, I don’t know if you know this, but I am tipsy right now…red, red wine you make me feel so fine, you keep me rockin’ all of de time. God bless UB40.

So anyway, I ate like 800 pieces of pie and washed it down with 800 glasses of wine. Thank god I remembered to wear my eatin’ shirt.

Oh and also, I am thankful for my hot pink underpants because they say “Ooh La La.” Yay!

I should get back to my family. Hope everyone is having a lovely day!

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