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Monkeying Around

27 Jun

Guys, I haven’t been around, but it’s for good reasons. I’ve been writing a book, for example, and holding a monkey:

 

lisa

 

This is Lisa and I love her. So I’ve been busy in a good way, ya know? This also means I have only been by a few of your sites to read the stuff I enjoy. I’ll be back soon and I swear I’ll be visiting more often. Love you and miss you! Enjoy your weekend!

How do you know when you need a vacation?

5 Aug

I knew last year when this happened.

Last night, my boyfriend and I were drinking margaritas out on my porch. As the sound of sirens and the ice cream truck jingle serenaded us in the distance, I asked him, “How do you know you when you need a vacation?”

“Uh..” he thought aloud for a moment, “having a wet dream of yourself on the beach in Tahiti, only to wake up to a wet dream.”

I laughed and shook my head. “I usually know when I find myself cussing at people on Facebook who post beautiful beach shots from their vacations because every place is effing lovely and I just want to go to there already but instead I’m stuck at work and the life is draining from my eyes and soon we’ll all be regretting not having more fun in our lives and then we’ll die.”

“Don’t worry, we’ll be at the beach in one week,” he reminded me. Excited about that thought, we then went back and forth and made a list. Add to it!

 

beachy

Sigh………

 

How do you know when you need a vacation?

- When the only thing you can celebrate about today was that you pooped before your shower and a butt lint crisis was avoided.

- Your Google Search history at work from 9:30 am – 1:30 pm includes the words “sunsets, “beaches” and “beach sunsets.”

- You daydream in the grocery store for 20 minutes while people yell at you in line.

- You make a different beachy drink every night while listening to the Pandora station “Laid Back Beach Music” because if you’re drunk enough, you can “travel” anywhere.

- Camping in your backyard… which is full of cockroaches and rats.

- You spent 2+ hours skimming Carnival.com, holding back your trigger finger from booking a last-minute deal.

- You wear your bathing suit around the house and pretend you’re going back out on the beach any second now.

- When you hear a Jimmy Buffett song and want to punch him for living in a permanent vacation spot.

- You buy a baby pool so at least your dog and/or feet can get a vacation.

- You make your boyfriend watch “Beach Blanket Bingo” and you both enjoy it just a little too much.

- You look at Yelp reviews of various beach campsites.

- You buy key lime flavored everything as a means of channeling the Florida Keys.

- Everything seems to piss you off and you know you need a wave to knock you on your ass to keep you in check.

Something Stupid

4 Feb

This morning something stupid happened, and it doesn’t matter what or why or whatever.

I have some great friends who assisted me today and I just wanted to say thank you. You all are the reason I am going to get out of bed at some point and go to Zumba tonight to dance off the blues (and that delicious Super Bowl food from last night, YAY RAVENS). A special thanks to Simon and Scott and a special thank you to Madame Weebles who said a lot of VERY kind and wonderful things including that if she were a guy she would be banging me senseless right now. Muah! Most of all, thank you to Dina, who has always been there for me when I have a moment of weakness.

 

Screenshot_2013-02-04-12-14-10

 

Cue Independent Women by Destiny’s Child:

 

 

Next stop? I’m not sure. I have a free flight to anywhere that American Airlines flies. I chose Miami last time and this time I might go for Vegas. Where would you go?

NeverEnding Imaginations

20 Nov

I love reading creative posts and catching a glimpse of what’s inside the imaginations of other bloggers. My imagination gets wild and crazy and I can think of a few childhood experiences that certainly played a major role in that development.

One example is my love for the 1984 film The NeverEnding Story.

Cue majestic music, bitches:
 

 

When I was a kid, I made my parents rent that movie every weekend for approximately two years. Something about it truly grabbed my imagination and expanded La La Land into a vast empire where I am still a beautiful empress with a British accent. I also blame it for giving me imaginary friends (a mermaid and a turtle) that lived in the sewer.*

At night I made up related stories while curled up on the floor in my Care Bears sleeping bag. In my head, I WAS The Childlike Empress and I lived in an ivory tower made of glorious light. I imagined (still imagine, just kidding, kind of) someday walking down the aisle wearing her headpiece:
 

But with real pearls. Image from Etsy.

 
Except back then I was jonesin’ for some Atreyu:
 

Atreyu sporting the Auryn. Image from Google.

 
Is there something from your childhood that you associate with the development of your imagination? Do you still make up stories in your head as you fall asleep? Have you ever put someone’s baby on a dog and pretended he was riding Falcor? No? Oh. I guess I haven’t either, then. That would be a weird thing to do.

Also, this is the song from the movie. Look at this guy. Just look at him…and there upon a rainbow is the answer to a never-ending story.

 

______________

* My imaginary friends and I are no longer in contact.

Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov

image

 

The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:

 

Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.

 

And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):

 

image

From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.

 

 

Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.

image

OR just hold your breath.

 

Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.

 

So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

Hugs All Over

14 Oct

I want to hug you
on Bahia Honda beach or
in Baltimore on an autumn afternoon.
We can hug in Central Park,
 
or on the glass skywalk
over the Grand Canyon.
It frightens us both,
but I want to hug you there
 
in snow or spring
or on state lines so
we can be in two places at once,
or four if we’re running west.
 
I have this feeling,
together we can do anything
and wherever we go,
I want to hug you there.

August 3, 2011

3 Aug

On August 3, 2011, Dane and I went to the beach and it was a lot of fucking fun (he hated it when I said ‘fuck’ because a “little lady in pearls shouldn’t have such a dirty little sailor mouth”).

Fuckity, fuck fuck fuck. I say it all the time now to see if he will come haunt-scold me just so we can hang out for a little bit. So far, I have had zero luck with this plan, but I do get to say ‘fuck’ a lot, so, I have that going for me.

 

 

One hour after I took this photo, we got in the water and a wave knocked me off my ass and took me down. Dane said I disappeared for a minute and when he saw me, I was rolling up the beach with seaweed in my hair and my boobs hanging out. Both of them. And what did he do? He pointed and laughed, drawing attention of other people who then all saw my heaving, washed-up bosom covered in sand. If ever there was a hearty laugh that came out of that man, it was on that day.

That night, we played Pirate themed mini golf and he said he “tried” letting me win because of the whole wave incident, but I was just that terrible at mini golf. Whatever, I was just having an off day. Afterward, we went out for dinner and drinks and I had the best scallops I have ever had in my life.

Then we got more drinks and I did the Carmen Electra Booty Shake for a group of people and then I danced to classic rock with old white trash guys while Dane laughed and then I had “just one more” and he ended up having to carry me to the car.

I guess I am telling you this because August 3, 2011 was the beginning of a great week with my best friend. It was certainly better than what I’m doing now, which is sitting on my couch with ice on my ankle because I fell under a streetlight while running last night and my shorts half fell off, revealing a single butt cheek, and then two guys laughed at me. I cried and limped myself a mile back to an empty house.

I must admit, there are few things after a good cry that are better than ice cream.

Anyway, that’s what I was doing a year ago. If you love someone, hug that person nice and tight and have a good weekend. (Dane, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to be haunt-scolded for saying ‘fuck’. You know ghosts terrify me. Miss you.)

 

Miami Time Warp

20 Jun

Miami’s bars close at 5 am, making everything that happens there feel like a drunken time warp. Let’s flash back to last Tuesday, shall we?

My friend Karolina and I went out at 11 pm and had drinks with her boyfriend Mike and their friends. There, I met a gorgeous 22-year-old model who told me about all the crazy places he has woken up and asked if I wanted to wake up somewhere crazy (I said no…we all know it would have been a dungeon in some creepy basement somewhere).

What felt like 30 minutes but was 3 hours later, Karolina and I ended up in a club on hip-hop night where we watched a dorky white guy in a business suit try to get freaky whilst sandwiched between two women. He was wearing business socks and loafers.

Upon seeing this, I promptly declared that there was no way I was going to dance. Just as I said it, mine eyes were graced with the presence of a beautiful man named Omar who had descended from the heavens above (known to most as “Jamaica”) and into the fire of my loins–and do you know what he wanted to do? Me. We danced instead…and I swooned every time he said anything. Has anyone with a smooth accent ever complimented you? Wow, I am not used to such things and I could not form a full sentence–cue the butterflies and that just-had-my-first-kiss feeling.

Karolina and I then got our Catholic school girl grind on (parents, side note, don’t send your daughter to a Catholic school for girls and expect them not to kiss each other, drink vodka at 16 and/or grind when they dance).

What felt like 20 minutes but was 2 hours later, Omar asked where my friend went. I looked around and went downstairs to the men’s bathroom, where I found her talking to a guy named Ryno, who had just given her weed.

Suddenly, it was 5:15 in the morning and we were walking down the street stoned with e-cigarettes (I don’t smoke real cigarettes or the e-cigarette variety), coconut water and Karolina’s dog, Ted. We made up an elaborate story about how Ben & Jerry’s came up with the ice cream name “Half Baked.” I then laid down in the grass, pretended to swim and laughed so hard that I cried and then I sang a song about the moon and then, magically, I woke up on Karolina’s couch without even a touch of a hangover.

God bless Miami.

Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun

 

I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.

thoughts from BWI airport

11 Jun

 

I am sitting by myself at the airport, people watching like a champ, and thinking about how funny it is that many of these people are trying so hard to hide that they are a little weird. I am happy to be a little weird. You all (creative people/bloggers) have helped me embrace this loving weirdness and I am forever grateful. Thank you. I weird you guys. ♥ 

I am meant to embrace it and 2012 brought me here. Right now I am a raw nerve. Maybe those of us who are coming unglued were being held together by Elmer’s School Glue and this year is putting us back together with something like Gorilla Glue (or whatever is strong–I am no glue connoisseur).

Okay….time to board a plane and get crunk. It is Monday, after all. Also, look at this funny ass cat:  

 

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