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Lesson #14 – Gratitude

19 Sep

A typical “lesson” on lists everywhere, I know, but I truly believe gratitude cultivates happiness. Recently I joined the The Gratitude Movement, which asks the group to sit in reflection for a few minutes each day for a month and write what we appreciate in a journal.

It seems basic, but this ultimately trains our minds to think this way daily, which has a ton of benefits!

Today, I am thankful for the positive, hopeful people in this world who inspire and spread goodness. They have taught me so much over the last few years. Thank you!

What are you grateful for today?

Lesson #10 – Lists About Love

29 Aug

Recently I learned that you people can’t get enough of reading lists. You love them. Like LOVE them, and you seem to love lists even more when they are about relationships/knowing if he or she is “the one” even though the majority of those lists say the exact same thing.

So here for you now, as my 10th post on my journey through 30 lessons I’ve learned before 30, I will list 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one. However, WordPress won’t allow me to number this post…so this is a list of 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one, but with letters of the alphabet.

All the dudes out there may want to take notes.

a. He wrote me a song and it sounds like a choir of  early 90s keyboards gone wild. And here are some of the lyrics: “You must be Harry Potter’s sister, cause the way you work that broom make a playa say mmm mmm MMMMM.” Win.

b. I’ve met my match. Just this morning he blew his nose with toilet paper and when he came downstairs,  little bits of paper were scattered throughout his mustache. For once I am not the only one embarrassing myself in weird ways all the time. This man is my equal.

c. He rids my house of unwelcome bugs and that’s great because I no longer have to pretend I just didn’t see them. This is a major step up for me.

d. He draws me neat pictures.

e. He loves me even when I post stuff like this:

onmyway

f. He drives me to work when I don’t feel well and he is, like, so strong. Muscles. Carrying all the heavy things.

g. He holds my arm when we walk across cobblestone streets instead of making fun of me and allowing me to look like a drunk baby giraffe.

h. He does great impressions (he told me to put that).

i. He makes me hot dogs and doesn’t judge me for wanting at least three.

j. HE’S HELLA CUTE.

Lesson #7 – Water Is Magical

21 Aug

I have learned to have so much respect for water (it’s essential for life, after all).

Water is great for the skin and heart and often when I’m feeling cranky, it’s simply because I need a drink (…of water). And when I’m having too much fun and I drink too many alcoholic beverages, what do I need the next morning? Water (not applicable when visiting Mexico). What washes us? Water. What puts out most fires? Water. Where do cute seals hang out? Water. When I was 19, what clear liquid did I pretend to be drinking when it was actually vodka and then I threw up everywhere? Water.

Water also rejuvenates the senses and calms my overly thoughtful mind. It provides delicious food, too, and from what I’m seeing at this very moment, my dude looks pretty cute when he’s splashing around in it. So thanks for being magical, water.

 

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P.S. – Water can be very destructive, so don’t be a dick to it and hopefully it won’t be a dick to you.

I Wear Orange Because…

25 Nov

November 25th (until December 10th, Human Rights Day) is recognized by the UN as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We are called to wear orange today to bring awareness to this cause. I saw people on Twitter posting “I wear orange because…” and offering their own messages, as seen here:

 

Screen Shot 2013-11-25 at 11.59.03 AM

 

Get it, fellas!

Personally, I wear orange because I believe in confronting sexual violence instead of remaining silent. I wear orange because I refuse to accept one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.

 

orange

 

I could reflect on my own story or look up a bunch of scary or sad facts for you and post them here, but instead I invite you to the UN Women website, where you can see the way men and women around the world are motivating communities, providing education and working creatively to end violence against women.

You may be surprised by the hope you find in the articles they’ve shared.

Of course there is always more to do, but it’s okay to appreciate worldwide progress, especially during times when it seems like all we hear is bad news.

Also, check out United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, he pretty much rocks:

 

3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

Take It Personally

12 Dec

I have a few things to say in response to today’s post by Becca on A Clown On Fire.

I understand Becca’s issue. It’s something too many women have to face.

 

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A few months ago I organized an event for a large VIP group of scientists and politicians. On the third night, I attended the annual gala. I was pleased to see the cocktail hour run smoothly and my boss complimented me on my hard work.

Then something unexpected happened.

When we sat down for dinner and awards, a man at the next table was staring in my direction. Then I noticed another across the room. Then another, and it soon became so obvious that my coworkers noticed as well. When the last speech came to a close, all three approached me. The first one said I was sexy in my black dress and he invited me “upstairs to the VIP room for a drink.” The second said I looked good, winked and then asked me to come work for him as his personal assistant in New York City. He even gave me his number, but told me not to call after 5:00 because of his three daughters and wife. The third invited me to go dancing after dinner and actually put his hand on my waist.

I fought myself over whether to be polite or to tell them off. Their behavior was appalling and I felt helpless. This was a work event and I don’t care how important these men are, they know better.

All men know better. So, what’s it about? All of the comments on Becca’s post are great, but one stood out to me that I fully agree with–I think it’s about power.

I wasn’t ready for that situation and I went home and cried. I felt bad about myself and I was mad that my body was more important to them than who I am. The one guy didn’t even care enough to ask my name.

I felt weak, and stupid for feeling weak. The next day, I told my boss how uncomfortable it made me feel and he said, “Don’t take it personally.”

Don’t take it personally? It was a dismissive response and I take that personally, too.

As someone who has had her body disrespected in the past, I would tell anyone to take it personally, and stay strong because mind games can really mess with you. I have my weaknesses, but I am very smart, creative, talented and independent. I am wonderful at what I do and I could look like a pile of rocks and still be good at it. I would respect myself in either situation.

We all deserve respect, whether it is in the workplace or in our personal lives. So, Becca, I stand by my comment to you. Take it personally, stay confident, respect yourself always and keep on shining that bright light of yours. Lastly, I didn’t know you would be posting that today and I have a joke post to share with you that I wrote last week that sort of reflects on these matters, and I hope you won’t find it distasteful.

Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!

 

Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos

 

Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream

 

Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow

 

Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig

 

A majestic headpiece will wow your guests

 

Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece

 

I AM SO DOING THIS

 

Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, future husband? It’s me, your future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, we’re going to have so much fun together, but I have learned a few lessons from my experiences and I feel that it is necessary to have some requirements. I know what I want and I am not out to waste my time or yours.

__________

Requirements

1. Have arms (at least one) and two legs so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). Do not take this as an opportunity to pick me up and accidentally drop me in public like an ex-boyfriend of mine once did. If you feel like you need to pick me up, make sure you’re stable and that I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

2. Do silly things. I love to laugh. I am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

3. Know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

4. Help me perfect a sangria recipe. This means you will drink a lot of sangria. My last boyfriend tried to help, but drank my sangria too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

5. Don’t you dare throw up on me.

6. Don’t buy me any jewelry that has fairy dust attached to it.

7. Already have kids? Don’t spend 5 months being mysterious because you’re hiding the fact you have them. Weirdo.

8. Please god don’t be a collector of puppets.

9. Don’t walk through doors and let go so they hit me. Ridiculous.

10. Be ready to kick ass with me during the zombie apocalypse. I will not save a wuss.

11. Don’t call me crazy or give me whiskey. If you call me crazy or give me whiskey, I’ll get feisty and you’ll have 5 feet and 3 inches of fury on your hands.

12. Mine is cute, but no butt stuff, so don’t bother asking more than once (or even at all).

13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

14. Take care of those talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I will know you are lying. I have secret powers.

___________

If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, some people consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov

image

 

The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:

 

Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.

 

And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):

 

image

From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.

 

 

Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.

 

 

Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.

image

OR just hold your breath.

 

Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.

 

So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

Truth Revealed

5 Oct

Rest easy, my friends, for the answer to life’s greatest mystery is finally unveiled:
 

Lauren 9:16 AM
to Christopher

 

 

Important question. When Will Smith walks in the snow, does he leave fresh prints?
________________________________________________________________

Christopher 9:17 AM (1 minute ago)

to Lauren

 

 

No, he just leaves DJ Jazzy Jeff behind to a life of obscurity…

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