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I Wear Orange Because…

25 Nov

November 25th (until December 10th, Human Rights Day) is recognized by the UN as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We are called to wear orange today to bring awareness to this cause. I saw people on Twitter posting “I wear orange because…” and offering their own messages, as seen here:


Screen Shot 2013-11-25 at 11.59.03 AM


Get it, fellas!

Personally, I wear orange because I believe in confronting sexual violence instead of remaining silent. I wear orange because I refuse to accept one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.




I could reflect on my own story or look up a bunch of scary or sad facts for you and post them here, but instead I invite you to the UN Women website, where you can see the way men and women around the world are motivating communities, providing education and working creatively to end violence against women.

You may be surprised by the hope you find in the articles they’ve shared.

Of course there is always more to do, but it’s okay to appreciate worldwide progress, especially during times when it seems like all we hear is bad news.

Also, check out United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, he pretty much rocks:


3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

Take It Personally

12 Dec

I have a few things to say in response to today’s post by Becca on A Clown On Fire.

I understand Becca’s issue. It’s something too many women have to face.




A few months ago I organized an event for a large VIP group of scientists and politicians. On the third night, I attended the annual gala. I was pleased to see the cocktail hour run smoothly and my boss complimented me on my hard work.

Then something unexpected happened.

When we sat down for dinner and awards, a man at the next table was staring in my direction. Then I noticed another across the room. Then another, and it soon became so obvious that my coworkers noticed as well. When the last speech came to a close, all three approached me. The first one said I was sexy in my black dress and he invited me “upstairs to the VIP room for a drink.” The second said I looked good, winked and then asked me to come work for him as his personal assistant in New York City. He even gave me his number, but told me not to call after 5:00 because of his three daughters and wife. The third invited me to go dancing after dinner and actually put his hand on my waist.

I fought myself over whether to be polite or to tell them off. Their behavior was appalling and I felt helpless. This was a work event and I don’t care how important these men are, they know better.

All men know better. So, what’s it about? All of the comments on Becca’s post are great, but one stood out to me that I fully agree with–I think it’s about power.

I wasn’t ready for that situation and I went home and cried. I felt bad about myself and I was mad that my body was more important to them than who I am. The one guy didn’t even care enough to ask my name.

I felt weak, and stupid for feeling weak. The next day, I told my boss how uncomfortable it made me feel and he said, “Don’t take it personally.”

Don’t take it personally? It was a dismissive response and I take that personally, too.

As someone who has had her body disrespected in the past, I would tell anyone to take it personally, and stay strong because mind games can really mess with you. I have my weaknesses, but I am very smart, creative, talented and independent. I am wonderful at what I do and I could look like a pile of rocks and still be good at it. I would respect myself in either situation.

We all deserve respect, whether it is in the workplace or in our personal lives. So, Becca, I stand by my comment to you. Take it personally, stay confident, respect yourself always and keep on shining that bright light of yours. Lastly, I didn’t know you would be posting that today and I have a joke post to share with you that I wrote last week that sort of reflects on these matters, and I hope you won’t find it distasteful.

Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!


Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos


Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream


Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow


Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig


A majestic headpiece will wow your guests


Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece




Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, future husband? It’s me, your future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, we’re going to have so much fun together, but I have learned a few lessons from my experiences and I feel that it is necessary to have some requirements. I know what I want and I am not out to waste my time or yours.



1. Have arms (at least one) and two legs so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). Do not take this as an opportunity to pick me up and accidentally drop me in public like an ex-boyfriend of mine once did. If you feel like you need to pick me up, make sure you’re stable and that I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

2. Do silly things. I love to laugh. I am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

3. Know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

4. Help me perfect a sangria recipe. This means you will drink a lot of sangria. My last boyfriend tried to help, but drank my sangria too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

5. Don’t you dare throw up on me.

6. Don’t buy me any jewelry that has fairy dust attached to it.

7. Already have kids? Don’t spend 5 months being mysterious because you’re hiding the fact you have them. Weirdo.

8. Please god don’t be a collector of puppets.

9. Don’t walk through doors and let go so they hit me. Ridiculous.

10. Be ready to kick ass with me during the zombie apocalypse. I will not save a wuss.

11. Don’t call me crazy or give me whiskey. If you call me crazy or give me whiskey, I’ll get feisty and you’ll have 5 feet and 3 inches of fury on your hands.

12. Mine is cute, but no butt stuff, so don’t bother asking more than once (or even at all).

13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

14. Take care of those talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I will know you are lying. I have secret powers.


If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, some people consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov



The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:


Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.


And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):



From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.



Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.



Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.


OR just hold your breath.


Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.


So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

Truth Revealed

5 Oct

Rest easy, my friends, for the answer to life’s greatest mystery is finally unveiled:

Lauren 9:16 AM
to Christopher



Important question. When Will Smith walks in the snow, does he leave fresh prints?

Christopher 9:17 AM (1 minute ago)

to Lauren



No, he just leaves DJ Jazzy Jeff behind to a life of obscurity…

What I Learned at 27

30 Sep

My weekend was relatively lame and I’m sorry to report that I have no stories about me falling down or kissing all the wrong men. So, here’s another list. Yaaaaaay.

Tomorrow I turn 28. Here are 27 things I learned this year:


1. Drinking alone isn’t so awful.

2. Toe hair is no joke.

3. Hula hooping is fun.

4. Everyone is going to die, so don’t take your loved ones for granted.

5. I need to follow my heart, no matter how stupid it makes me look.

6. If someone doesn’t treat me well, fuck them (“middle finger” sense, not “penis inside me” sense).

7. Not that I’m complaining, but most men on the internet are fucking freaks (okay, yes, I’m complaining).

8. Being alone isn’t half as scary as I thought.

9. Birthday sex is so overrated…probably. (Work with me here, I’m trying to make myself feel better.)

10. If I leave my car unlocked, a prostitute will have sex in it.

11. I can’t get high and listen to Nights in White Satin because it makes me feel like I am in a movie.

12. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

13. Despite what I was hoping, the majority of men really do think with their dicks.

14. Everyone gives advice about love and it’s all different. I appreciate the help, but I can’t always listen–I need to live my life!

15. One can lose a lot of weight by dancing every day.

16. Doing the robot on Skype is hilarious to the right naked man, and all the other naked men will not find it funny.

17. I’m romantic and that’s okay.

18. Laughing is SO MUCH FUN.

19. It is possible to live without cable.

20. The past is past and what happened, happened.

21. Living in love isn’t easy at first, but it changes thinking patterns and IS fabulous.

22. Never stop being grateful.

23. Love should feel good.

24. Tequila and grapefruit juice are delicious together.

25. Being married to me will be fun and super sexy (I hang out with me, I would know).

26. It’s okay to be a funny girl.

27. I still have no idea what I’m doing!


Modern Faerie Tale

27 Sep

Recently I overheard two women being bratty about the gifts they receive from their husbands. It reminded me of a certain birthday gift I received for my 25th birthday.

I dated a guy who knew me like a book. For two years he drove me to work every day, we talked all day at work and we spent all of our evenings together. We brushed our teeth together, watched TV together and even showered together.  He knew my habits and routines. He even knew my specific, classy taste in jewelry.

When he asked me what I wanted for my 25th birthday I said, “Surprise me.” So, this is what I got:  


1. Yes, what you are seeing is a necklace with a locket that says, “I believe in Faeries.” 

2. Yes, that is a small vial of “Faerie dust.” 

3. Yes, that is the nerdy/archaic “ae” spelling. 

4. No, I do not believe in “faeries,” nor have I ever expressed even a mild interest in such mythical beings.

How would you react in this situation? I laughed because I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, and he spent the rest of the day moping around the house because I laughed.

I think we both learned important lessons that day and I invite you to take this knowledge with you when you go–

Women: Quit your bitching. If a man asks you what you want, tell him or narrow it down because guess what? It doesn’t matter how well he knows you, he may get you a goddamn fairy necklace.

Men: Unless your lady absolutely fucking adores fairies, there isn’t a single circumstance that warrants purchasing a fairy necklace. If she isn’t bleeding fairy dust, don’t get that necklace! Do you understand me? Don’t you fucking do it!

Be Yourself

1 Sep

Be yourself. Love yourself. Dance like there’s nobody watching. Be a first rate version of yourself and not second rate version of someone else. It’s better to be hated for what you are than loved for what you are not.

You know these sayings and others like it. Are we actually living by them? Are you being yourself? If not, are you happy?

I lived by a different motto for a long time: “Be yourself….but be like everyone else. Pretend and lie. Hide.” Where did that get me? For starters, I spent most of my life as a shy, sad little girl who thought she was ugly and uncool. I still don’t fucking know what it means to be “beautiful” or “cool,” and I am perfectly okay with that fact. Why? Because I am grateful and I am myself and I have never been happier.

The most raw, refreshing, beautiful feelings I have ever had came when I decided to experience life as myself. Then I loved myself, and once I loved myself, that’s when other things, good things, started to fall into place. It isn’t always easy, but I’m telling you, you’re going to love it.

I don’t want to see anyone miss out.

So, who am I? My name is Lauren. I love to laugh. I like dorky stuff. I’m a romantic. I speak in a British accent in my head. I dance a lot. I don’t lie. I want 5 cheeseburgers and 100 oreos in my belly right now. I think my eyes are pretty. I’m playful. I believe true love is really real. I love sex. And witty banter. I like being held. I think I would be a great mother. I’m indecisive. My favorite color is green. Or maybe pink. I don’t watch the news. I’m impatient and sensitive. I don’t like being alone. I write poetry. My heart goes into everything I do. I still pretend I’m a mermaid when I go swimming. I had 3 orgasms yesterday. I do actually like long walks on the beach

and I want to know, who are you and are you being your unique self?

I’m half sick of shadows. We owe it to ourselves to live.


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