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Lesson #14 – Gratitude

19 Sep

A typical “lesson” on lists everywhere, I know, but I truly believe gratitude cultivates happiness. Recently I joined the The Gratitude Movement, which asks the group to sit in reflection for a few minutes each day for a month and write what we appreciate in a journal.

It seems basic, but this ultimately trains our minds to think this way daily, which has a ton of benefits!

Today, I am thankful for the positive, hopeful people in this world who inspire and spread goodness. They have taught me so much over the last few years. Thank you!

What are you grateful for today?

Lesson #10 – Lists About Love

29 Aug

Recently I learned that you people can’t get enough of reading lists. You love them. Like LOVE them, and you seem to love lists even more when they are about relationships/knowing if he or she is “the one” even though the majority of those lists say the exact same thing.

So here for you now, as my 10th post on my journey through 30 lessons I’ve learned before 30, I will list 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one. However, WordPress won’t allow me to number this post…so this is a list of 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one, but with letters of the alphabet.

All the dudes out there may want to take notes.

a. He wrote me a song and it sounds like a choir of  early 90s keyboards gone wild. And here are some of the lyrics: “You must be Harry Potter’s sister, cause the way you work that broom make a playa say mmm mmm MMMMM.” Win.

b. I’ve met my match. Just this morning he blew his nose with toilet paper and when he came downstairs,  little bits of paper were scattered throughout his mustache. For once I am not the only one embarrassing myself in weird ways all the time. This man is my equal.

c. He rids my house of unwelcome bugs and that’s great because I no longer have to pretend I just didn’t see them. This is a major step up for me.

d. He draws me neat pictures.

e. He loves me even when I post stuff like this:


f. He drives me to work when I don’t feel well and he is, like, so strong. Muscles. Carrying all the heavy things.

g. He holds my arm when we walk across cobblestone streets instead of making fun of me and allowing me to look like a drunk baby giraffe.

h. He does great impressions (he told me to put that).

i. He makes me hot dogs and doesn’t judge me for wanting at least three.


Lesson #7 – Water Is Magical

21 Aug

I have learned to have so much respect for water (it’s essential for life, after all).

Water is great for the skin and heart and often when I’m feeling cranky, it’s simply because I need a drink (…of water). And when I’m having too much fun and I drink too many alcoholic beverages, what do I need the next morning? Water (not applicable when visiting Mexico). What washes us? Water. What puts out most fires? Water. Where do cute seals hang out? Water. When I was 19, what clear liquid did I pretend to be drinking when it was actually vodka and then I threw up everywhere? Water.

Water also rejuvenates the senses and calms my overly thoughtful mind. It provides delicious food, too, and from what I’m seeing at this very moment, my dude looks pretty cute when he’s splashing around in it. So thanks for being magical, water.


P.S. – Water can be very destructive, so don’t be a dick to it and hopefully it won’t be a dick to you.

I Wear Orange Because…

25 Nov

November 25th (until December 10th, Human Rights Day) is recognized by the UN as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We are called to wear orange today to bring awareness to this cause. I saw people on Twitter posting “I wear orange because…” and offering their own messages, as seen here:


Screen Shot 2013-11-25 at 11.59.03 AM


Get it, fellas!

Personally, I wear orange because I believe in confronting sexual violence instead of remaining silent. I wear orange because I refuse to accept one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.




I could reflect on my own story or look up a bunch of scary or sad facts for you and post them here, but instead I invite you to the UN Women website, where you can see the way men and women around the world are motivating communities, providing education and working creatively to end violence against women.

You may be surprised by the hope you find in the articles they’ve shared.

Of course there is always more to do, but it’s okay to appreciate worldwide progress, especially during times when it seems like all we hear is bad news.

Also, check out United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, he pretty much rocks:


3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

Yeses to these Dresses

27 Nov

I am really looking forward to the 2013 Spring/Summer wedding season because it will be alive with romance, vibrant colors and unique ideas. How exciting!

If your future husband is like most of the guys I’ve met, he may not have any wedding preferences at all whatsoever. While some women find this frustrating, I believe it presents a wonderful opportunity for you to explore your creativity. However, if you are crunched for time, consider one of these trendy, glamorous ideas that will delight guests and make your wedding a day you and prince charming will never forget!


Hot pink ball gowns will make for lovely, flawless photos


Light blue and Tinkerbell green are a bride’s fairytale dream


Guests will squint when setting their eyes upon blondes in Barbie pink and canary yellow


Your bridesmaids will look exquisite in this hot pink clusterfrig


A majestic headpiece will wow your guests


Be a blushing winter bride in a fancy ice queenish headpiece




Husband Requirements

14 Nov

Hi, possible future husband? It’s me, your possible future wife. Hello. How are you? Good. I’m well, thank you.

Listen, if you truly are my future husband, we’re going to have so much fun together. However, I’ve learned a few lessons from experience and at this point in my life, I think it’s necessary to list a few of my rules and requirements. I know what I want and I’m not out to waste my time or yours.


  1. Have arms (at least one) and, if possible, legs (one will suffice) so we can link arms when you walk me home from the bar (I get wobbly). In case of emergency (a cobblestone road to cross when I’m tipsy and in heels, for example), you are permitted to carry me as long as I’m not wearing a dress. Thanks.

  2. Silliness is mandatory. I love to laugh and am not interested in people who take life too seriously.

  3. You must know how to use a grill. I love a man with grill skills. Sexy.

  4. It is essential that you help me perfect my sangria recipe, which ultimately will require you to drink a lot of sangria. A previous boyfriend of mine tried to help, but he drank it too quickly and that brings me to the next item on my list…

  5. You will not, under any circumstances, throw up on me. No exceptions.

  6. The minimum height requirement is five feet ten inches tall so you can reach the storage cabinets in my house that seemingly were made for giants. Also, those high-up spiders. High-up spiders will not be tolerated.

  7. Mentioning a previous marriage within the first three dates is mandatory.

  8. Current or past hobbies must not include making faceless marionettes.

  9. Walking through a door without holding it will not be tolerated and is punishable by, well, this blog, I guess.

  10. You must enjoy hiking and going on adventures to all the places. Lazy guys need not apply.

  11. It is imperative that you never give me whiskey because I will grow feisty. Trust me, you do not want this little volcano of fury on your hands.

  12. You may not already have a wife. If I’m going to be your wife, you can’t currently have one. Simple.

  13. Don’t poop on my floor or in your pants. You, sir, are a man. You are not a puppy or a baby.

  14. Take care of your talons. I refuse to marry a zoo animal.

  15. Don’t lie about your job. Actually, don’t lie at all. I’ll know when you lie. I have secret powers.

So, that’s it. If you can’t follow those rules, you aren’t my future husband.

Just remember, other people (two or three, at least) consider me to be super hot, which I guess is like regular hot, except that I’m wearing a cape. I have no problem flying this fancy cape to a finer, more agreeable location.

Stuff on a Plane

12 Nov



The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:


Stay Wild

ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.


And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):



From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.



Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.



Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.


OR just hold your breath.


Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.


So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.

I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.

What I Learned at 27

30 Sep

My weekend was relatively lame and I’m sorry to report that I have no stories about me falling down or kissing all the wrong men. So, here’s another list. Yaaaaaay.

Tomorrow I turn 28. Here are 27 things I learned this year:


1. Drinking alone isn’t so awful.

2. Toe hair is no joke.

3. Hula hooping is fun.

4. Everyone is going to die, so don’t take your loved ones for granted.

5. I need to follow my heart, no matter how stupid it makes me look.

6. If someone doesn’t treat me well, fuck them (“middle finger” sense, not “penis inside me” sense).

7. Not that I’m complaining, but most men on the internet are fucking freaks (okay, yes, I’m complaining).

8. Being alone isn’t half as scary as I thought.

9. Birthday sex is so overrated…probably. (Work with me here, I’m trying to make myself feel better.)

10. If I leave my car unlocked, a prostitute will have sex in it.

11. I can’t get high and listen to Nights in White Satin because it makes me feel like I am in a movie.

12. I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.

13. Despite what I was hoping, the majority of men really do think with their dicks.

14. Everyone gives advice about love and it’s all different. I appreciate the help, but I can’t always listen–I need to live my life!

15. One can lose a lot of weight by dancing every day.

16. Doing the robot on Skype is hilarious to the right naked man, and all the other naked men will not find it funny.

17. I’m romantic and that’s okay.

18. Laughing is SO MUCH FUN.

19. It is possible to live without cable.

20. The past is past and what happened, happened.

21. Living in love isn’t easy at first, but it changes thinking patterns and IS fabulous.

22. Never stop being grateful.

23. Love should feel good.

24. Tequila and grapefruit juice are delicious together.

25. Being married to me will be fun and super sexy (I hang out with me, I would know).

26. It’s okay to be a funny girl.

27. I still have no idea what I’m doing!


Modern Faerie Tale

27 Sep

Recently I overheard two women being bratty about the gifts they receive from their husbands. It reminded me of a certain birthday gift I received for my 25th birthday.

I dated a guy who knew me like a book. For two years he drove me to work every day, we talked all day at work and we spent all of our evenings together. We brushed our teeth together, watched TV together and even showered together.  He knew my habits and routines. He even knew my specific, classy taste in jewelry.

When he asked me what I wanted for my 25th birthday I said, “Surprise me.” So, this is what I got:  


1. Yes, what you are seeing is a necklace with a locket that says, “I believe in Faeries.” 

2. Yes, that is a small vial of “Faerie dust.” 

3. Yes, that is the nerdy/archaic “ae” spelling. 

4. No, I do not believe in “faeries,” nor have I ever expressed even a mild interest in such mythical beings.

How would you react in this situation? I laughed because I thought it was a joke. It wasn’t a joke, and he spent the rest of the day moping around the house because I laughed.

I think we both learned important lessons that day and I invite you to take this knowledge with you when you go–

Women: Quit your bitching. If a man asks you what you want, tell him or narrow it down because guess what? It doesn’t matter how well he knows you, he may get you a goddamn fairy necklace.

Men: Unless your lady absolutely fucking adores fairies, there isn’t a single circumstance that warrants purchasing a fairy necklace. If she isn’t bleeding fairy dust, don’t get that necklace! Do you understand me? Don’t you fucking do it!


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