Lesson #10 – Lists About Love

29 Aug

Recently I learned that you people can’t get enough of reading lists. You love them. Like LOVE them, and you seem to love lists even more when they are about relationships/knowing if he or she is “the one” even though the majority of those lists say the exact same thing.

So here for you now, as my 10th post on my journey through 30 lessons I’ve learned before 30, I will list 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one. However, WordPress won’t allow me to number this post…so this is a list of 10 ways I know my boyfriend is the one, but with letters of the alphabet.

All the dudes out there may want to take notes.

a. He wrote me a song and it sounds like a choir of  early 90s keyboards gone wild. And here are some of the lyrics: “You must be Harry Potter’s sister, cause the way you work that broom make a playa say mmm mmm MMMMM.” Win.

b. I’ve met my match. Just this morning he blew his nose with toilet paper and when he came downstairs,  little bits of paper were scattered throughout his mustache. For once I am not the only one embarrassing myself in weird ways all the time. This man is my equal.

c. He rids my house of unwelcome bugs and that’s great because I no longer have to pretend I just didn’t see them. This is a major step up for me.

d. He draws me neat pictures.

e. He loves me even when I post stuff like this:

onmyway

f. He drives me to work when I don’t feel well and he is, like, so strong. Muscles. Carrying all the heavy things.

g. He holds my arm when we walk across cobblestone streets instead of making fun of me and allowing me to look like a drunk baby giraffe.

h. He does great impressions (he told me to put that).

i. He makes me hot dogs and doesn’t judge me for wanting at least three.

j. HE’S HELLA CUTE.

Lesson #9 – Stop Believing.

27 Aug

Folks. Don’t believe every article, email and piece of advice on the interwebs. Check if it comes from a reliable source. Do your research before sharing. It’s actually quite easy.

Examples? There wasn’t a 160-foot squid found off the coast of California. Southwest is never giving away two tickets as long as you share it on Facebook. Not every blogger can give solid advice about dating that applies to your specific situation. Not every list claiming to know a random number of awful things “all guys do” actually represents all guys. You will never find out from an email that you have cancer. Little Mikey of LIFE cereal fame didn’t die from explosive effects of mixing Pop Rocks with soda. Need I go on?

There is, however, a town in Austria called “Fucking.” So that’s funny.

I learned the “don’t believe everything you read” lesson when someone once shared a photo and “fact” claiming that the ocean is salty because male blue whales produce 400 gallons of sperm and only 10% is used for baby making purposes, meaning we swim in the salty rest of it. I was horrified to read this and believed it for the better part of an hour. I know. Almost a full hour. There were a few drinks in my system, okay? Jeeze.

Have you ever believed something not true that has been distributed on the internet? A scam? Satire? Photoshoppery? Some ridiculous media thing that was just trying to get page views to make money? Sure you have. Tell me about it.

Lesson #8 – We All Start Out As A Potamus

21 Aug

We all start out as an awkward little Potamus. Well, those of us who are willing to admit it, anyway. What’s a Potamus? This guy:

image

And he’s hella funny because he’s just an awkward baby guy. He will bloom, though. Maybe one day we will see where his head ends and the rest of his body begins. Whatevs, that’s part of the process for all of us, isn’t it? In different ways. You know what I mean. Maybe not different for some of us, I suppose. All I know is that most of us start as something awkward which can later be seen as a little laughable. And I like that…it adds character. Feel free to share your example!

Lesson #7 – Water Is Magical

21 Aug

I have learned to have so much respect for water (it’s essential for life, after all).

Water is great for the skin and heart and often when I’m feeling cranky, it’s simply because I need a drink (…of water). And when I’m having too much fun and I drink too many alcoholic beverages, what do I need the next morning? Water (not applicable when visiting Mexico). What washes us? Water. What puts out most fires? Water. Where do cute seals hang out? Water. When I was 19, what clear liquid did I pretend to be drinking when it was actually vodka and then I threw up everywhere? Water.

Water also rejuvenates the senses and calms my overly thoughtful mind. It provides delicious food, too, and from what I’m seeing at this very moment, my dude looks pretty cute when he’s splashing around in it. So thanks for being magical, water.

 

image
P.S. – Water can be very destructive, so don’t be a dick to it and hopefully it won’t be a dick to you.

Lessons #4, #5 and #6 – Boogers, Pepper Tooth and Best Friends

14 Aug

Lesson #4 – You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose (…courtesy of my boyfriend and dads everywhere).

Lesson #5 – Best friends don’t let best friends walk around with pepper tooth (when food, usually a spice of sorts, has decided to hang out along the gum line or is lodged between two very visible teeth).

It is a known fact that all people with teeth, possibly some unknowingly, have suffered from pepper tooth. This leads to embarrassment. That’s where best pals come in because the people who love you will mention it. And you know what? One might even let you pick his or her nose if you want. That thought kind of reminds me of one time in high school when my friend and I tried to synchronize our menstrual cycles and we read that to do so, I would have to smell her perspiring armpit. I was disgusted, but figured it would be worth it afterward because we could sit around and eat ice cream together while watching sad movies. Kind of like this–

 

what

 

–except our boobs were less pointy. Anyway, one afternoon after our field hockey game, I smelled her armpit and it was gross and nothing ever even came of it. Ten years later, I read an article indicating that attempts to replicate the original study have been inconsistent and evidence doesn’t support the menstrual synchronization possibility.

So, don’t try to pick a friend’s nose (says my boyfriend) and don’t smell another person’s armpit.

Lesson #6 – Stay in touch with your best friends because they will tell you when you have pepper tooth. They’re great for other reasons too, but that’s just my example. It isn’t always easy to stay in touch now that everyone is getting married and having babies, but best friends are worth it, and time spent apart nearly seems nonexistent when you get back together again. How great is that?

Nanu Nanu

11 Aug

The inner kid in all of us learned some truly shitty news this afternoon about Robin Williams.

Despite the sadness, I have to say that watching the reaction on Twitter and Facebook this evening may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen happen on social media. It is clear that Robin Williams brought genuine joy and laughter into all of our lives.

Celebrities pass and we acknowledge this, but I think it was extra difficult today (for me, anyway). I’ll always remember how good he made me feel and how much I enjoyed his movies and silly voices and how fun it was watching Mork and Mindy on Nick at Nite when I was allowed to stay up while on summer vacation.

It’s difficult to learn someone so funny, who brought us all such happy memories, was suffering.

Lesson #3…we are all in this together. I was reminded of this tonight and want to thank everyone for the pictures and memories they shared about him, his life and the impact he had. Have a good night, my friends.

 

1IXGXMv

 

 

 

Lesson #2 – Just Because Jeff Goldblum Didn’t Write You Back…

6 Aug

 

 

Just because Jeff Goldblum didn’t write you back when you were 11 years old, doesn’t mean you aren’t a goddamn superstar. Maybe he had a good reason, like you being too young at the time, for example. Perhaps 31 years too young, even. Maybe he was busy and didn’t care that you sat in your basement watching Jurassic Park on repeat for days and were mega in love with him. And how could you not have been?

 

umyum

 

Look at that exquisite chest. I understand if you can’t read any further. You’re happy now. Your life is complete. I get it.

And you know, who even cares that he recently got engaged to a woman who happens to be 30 years younger than he is…and a gymnast? Who cares if there’s a photo of her showing off her impressive flexibility with a split-style leap, much to Jeff’s delight?

If I were you, I wouldn’t care, because it doesn’t mean you’re less awesome. It doesn’t you aren’t a goddamn superstar. It doesn’t mean you won’t find a great love in your late twenties who, oddly enough, brought up on his own that he admired Jeff Goldblum’s chest, too.

So, really, the lesson here is that you don’t have to feel bad when people turn you down. You don’t have to feel bad when others are ahead of you in life, work and love.  Don’t feel  inadequate when the job hunt is slow, or you keep getting dumped again and again. Your time is coming, whether or not Jeff Goldblum appreciated your love letter written on pink, sparkly stationary.

Hang in there, my friend. Hang in there. Your time is coming and you, too, will bloom just as beautifully as the rest of the roses. I’m drunk. I love Jeff Goldblum.

 

Click here for Lesson #1

Lesson #1 – Just Have Fun Already

6 Aug

Sometimes, for years at a time even, we do this crazy thing where take life too seriously. We all know that, yet it still happens. In our defense, it is kind of hard not to take life seriously when we live in a world where a lot of things aren’t going as planned, kids stab other kids, jobs are difficult to find, people are depressed, no one is perfect and watching the news often feels like a tragic chore.

I took life way too seriously for about 12 years. I so wanted to swim and have fun on the beach, but was convinced I didn’t have the body for it because I didn’t fit in and that “wasn’t fair.” So instead of having fun, I spent 12 years being a pathetic Sad Sally. While I was sweating and worrying, I could have been pretending to be a beautiful mermaid. I could have been doing handstands, or impressing boys with my shiny braces and bountiful bangs, or rocking a jet ski or at least enjoying myself in other ways instead of moping around.

You’ve probably taken something too seriously and when you thought about it too much, you were miserable and stressed, right? Did your stomach hurt? Were you constipated? Were you kind of evil and bitter? What does that tell you? The key I’ve learned is to stop focusing on it and go laugh at stuff like farts or have a drink instead. Or multiple drinks–your call.

The first time I finally wore a swimsuit in public after 12 years, I had to be coerced onto the beach. After that process, I then had to be coerced into the water and within 20 minutes, I was knocked over by a wave and my boobs popped out of my swimsuit and I did like 900 somersaults and I emerged from the ocean with seaweed in my hair and snot on my face and I was stumbling around like a baby giraffe taking its first steps and you know what? It was one of the best days of my life because it was hilarious and fun and I didn’t give a shit about what people thought about me.

Then I realized that worrying and taking it all so seriously was such a waste, and that there is just no point to not having a good time.

 

 

 

30 Lessons

5 Aug

There seems to be a major influx of 30th birthdays being marked with a list of 30 lessons learned along the road to 30. When I read these lists I can’t help but find them nice, but pretty common, impersonal and uninspiring (we all know we should save money, be grateful, date with intention, take care of our bodies and so on).

Just because we can spout off lessons we should be learning, doesn’t mean we’ve learned them. I’ve decided that for my 30th, which is about 8 weeks away, I’ll share 30 lessons I’ve actually learned–some will be common and some not so much. This of course requires a lot of little stories and tidbits, maybe a few per week even, and hopefully none of them will simply say “time heals all wounds” or whatever, followed by a round of shrugs and carrying on. I’ll start tomorrow and look forward to taking you on a real, sometimes embarrassing journey through my 30 lessons. Thank you for reading!

Monkeying Around

27 Jun

Guys, I haven’t been around, but it’s for good reasons. I’ve been writing a book, for example, and holding a monkey:

 

lisa

 

This is Lisa and I love her. So I’ve been busy in a good way, ya know? This also means I have only been by a few of your sites to read the stuff I enjoy. I’ll be back soon and I swear I’ll be visiting more often. Love you and miss you! Enjoy your weekend!

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