Lessons #4, #5 and #6 – Boogers, Pepper Tooth and Best Friends

14 Aug

Lesson #4 – You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose (…courtesy of my boyfriend and dads everywhere).

Lesson #5 – Best friends don’t let best friends walk around with pepper tooth (when food, usually a spice of sorts, has decided to hang out along the gum line or is lodged between two very visible teeth).

It is a known fact that all people with teeth, possibly some unknowingly, have suffered from pepper tooth. This leads to embarrassment. That’s where best pals come in because the people who love you will mention it. And you know what? One might even let you pick his or her nose if you want. That thought kind of reminds me of one time in high school when my friend and I tried to synchronize our menstrual cycles and we read that to do so, I would have to smell her perspiring armpit. I was disgusted, but figured it would be worth it afterward because we could sit around and eat ice cream together while watching sad movies. Kind of like this–

 

what

 

–except our boobs were less pointy. Anyway, one afternoon after our field hockey game, I smelled her armpit and it was gross and nothing ever even came of it. Ten years later, I read an article indicating that attempts to replicate the original study have been inconsistent and evidence doesn’t support the menstrual synchronization possibility.

So, don’t try to pick a friend’s nose (says my boyfriend) and don’t smell another person’s armpit.

Lesson #6 – Stay in touch with your best friends because they will tell you when you have pepper tooth. They’re great for other reasons too, but that’s just my example. It isn’t always easy to stay in touch now that everyone is getting married and having babies, but best friends are worth it, and time spent apart nearly seems nonexistent when you get back together again. How great is that?

Nanu Nanu

11 Aug

The inner kid in all of us learned some truly shitty news this afternoon about Robin Williams.

Despite the sadness, I have to say that watching the reaction on Twitter and Facebook this evening may be one of the most beautiful things I have ever seen happen on social media. It is clear that Robin Williams brought genuine joy and laughter into all of our lives.

Celebrities pass and we acknowledge this, but I think it was extra difficult today (for me, anyway). I’ll always remember how good he made me feel and how much I enjoyed his movies and silly voices and how fun it was watching Mork and Mindy on Nick at Nite when I was allowed to stay up while on summer vacation.

It’s difficult to learn someone so funny, who brought us all such happy memories, was suffering.

Lesson #3…we are all in this together. I was reminded of this tonight and want to thank everyone for the pictures and memories they shared about him, his life and the impact he had. Have a good night, my friends.

 

1IXGXMv

 

 

 

Lesson #2 – Just Because Jeff Goldblum Didn’t Write You Back…

6 Aug

 

 

Just because Jeff Goldblum didn’t write you back when you were 11 years old, doesn’t mean you aren’t a goddamn superstar. Maybe he had a good reason, like you being too young at the time, for example. Perhaps 31 years too young, even. Maybe he was busy and didn’t care that you sat in your basement watching Jurassic Park on repeat for days and were mega in love with him. And how could you not have been?

 

umyum

 

Look at that exquisite chest. I understand if you can’t read any further. You’re happy now. Your life is complete. I get it.

And you know, who even cares that he recently got engaged to a woman who happens to be 30 years younger than he is…and a gymnast? Who cares if there’s a photo of her showing off her impressive flexibility with a split-style leap, much to Jeff’s delight?

If I were you, I wouldn’t care, because it doesn’t mean you’re less awesome. It doesn’t you aren’t a goddamn superstar. It doesn’t mean you won’t find a great love in your late twenties who, oddly enough, brought up on his own that he admired Jeff Goldblum’s chest, too.

So, really, the lesson here is that you don’t have to feel bad when people turn you down. You don’t have to feel bad when others are ahead of you in life, work and love.  Don’t feel  inadequate when the job hunt is slow, or you keep getting dumped again and again. Your time is coming, whether or not Jeff Goldblum appreciated your love letter written on pink, sparkly stationary.

Hang in there, my friend. Hang in there. Your time is coming and you, too, will bloom just as beautifully as the rest of the roses. I’m drunk. I love Jeff Goldblum.

 

Click here for Lesson #1

Lesson #1 – Just Have Fun Already

6 Aug

Sometimes, for years at a time even, we do this crazy thing where take life too seriously. We all know that, yet it still happens. In our defense, it is kind of hard not to take life seriously when we live in a world where a lot of things aren’t going as planned, kids stab other kids, jobs are difficult to find, people are depressed, no one is perfect and watching the news often feels like a tragic chore.

I took life way too seriously for about 12 years. I so wanted to swim and have fun on the beach, but was convinced I didn’t have the body for it because I didn’t fit in and that “wasn’t fair.” So instead of having fun, I spent 12 years being a pathetic Sad Sally. While I was sweating and worrying, I could have been pretending to be a beautiful mermaid. I could have been doing handstands, or impressing boys with my shiny braces and bountiful bangs, or rocking a jet ski or at least enjoying myself in other ways instead of moping around.

You’ve probably taken something too seriously and when you thought about it too much, you were miserable and stressed, right? Did your stomach hurt? Were you constipated? Were you kind of evil and bitter? What does that tell you? The key I’ve learned is to stop focusing on it and go laugh at stuff like farts or have a drink instead. Or multiple drinks–your call.

The first time I finally wore a swimsuit in public after 12 years, I had to be coerced onto the beach. After that process, I then had to be coerced into the water and within 20 minutes, I was knocked over by a wave and my boobs popped out of my swimsuit and I did like 900 somersaults and I emerged from the ocean with seaweed in my hair and snot on my face and I was stumbling around like a baby giraffe taking its first steps and you know what? It was one of the best days of my life because it was hilarious and fun and I didn’t give a shit about what people thought about me.

Then I realized that worrying and taking it all so seriously was such a waste, and that there is just no point to not having a good time.

 

 

 

30 Lessons

5 Aug

There seems to be a major influx of 30th birthdays being marked with a list of 30 lessons learned along the road to 30. When I read these lists I can’t help but find them nice, but pretty common, impersonal and uninspiring (we all know we should save money, be grateful, date with intention, take care of our bodies and so on).

Just because we can spout off lessons we should be learning, doesn’t mean we’ve learned them. I’ve decided that for my 30th, which is about 8 weeks away, I’ll share 30 lessons I’ve actually learned–some will be common and some not so much. This of course requires a lot of little stories and tidbits, maybe a few per week even, and hopefully none of them will simply say “time heals all wounds” or whatever, followed by a round of shrugs and carrying on. I’ll start tomorrow and look forward to taking you on a real, sometimes embarrassing journey through my 30 lessons. Thank you for reading!

Monkeying Around

27 Jun

Guys, I haven’t been around, but it’s for good reasons. I’ve been writing a book, for example, and holding a monkey:

 

lisa

 

This is Lisa and I love her. So I’ve been busy in a good way, ya know? This also means I have only been by a few of your sites to read the stuff I enjoy. I’ll be back soon and I swear I’ll be visiting more often. Love you and miss you! Enjoy your weekend!

Wonder Woman

23 May

This was a challenging week for one brave woman who faced 7 full days of incalculable perils. Most notably, she drove for 6 hours to attend a bachelorette party and managed not to punch any rude, grabby dudes at the bar. On another quest, she sat through a three-hour graduation without checking her phone and believe it or not, watched back-to-back-to-back-to-back episodes of River Monsters and Dual Survival on the same day without complaining. Oh, and also that show about bush people in Alaska. Whether that one guy has a speech impediment or an accent, we’ll never know for sure.

This very same woman juggled 3 different jobs, wrote poetry for an upcoming project and suffered through 6 hours total of exercising with Jillian Michaels without cussing once, which should go on some kind of record.

Fortunately, the week’s obstacles came to a close today (hopefully) after she was forced to listen to her boss give a 45-minute description of the menstrual cycle of female macaques. There’s a lot of swelling and yelling that happens, in case you were wondering. The images from that description will likely haunt our valiant heroine for the rest of her life.

I, of course, am this woman. Please take a moment to admire me for my brave deeds and noble qualities.

Now I am off to begin a new adventure in Honduras and Mexico where I will continue to fight on behalf of you all for justice, love, peace, sexual equality, a beautiful tan, alcoholic drinks served in pineapples and free hot dogs.

Have a lovely week!

 

wonderwoman-1

Running on

9 May

 

He loved Jackson Browne. His favorite line from “Running on Empty” was “I don’t know when that road turned onto the road I’m on.”

“Someday you’ll see how it’s weird,” he explained to me, “to look back and remember what was and how it all suddenly became what is, although you’re not sure when it happened.”

It seemed like we heard that song everywhere. We heard it at the bar on our first date, months later on the way to the beach, at our first baseball game together and almost every Saturday at the grocery store.

I also heard it on the morning of his funeral, which I thought was some kind of cruel joke. And the next day. And two years later, it’s still everywhere.

I can hear the way he sang that one line under his breath and it haunts me, but not necessarily in a bad way. It’s one of my reminders. It’s just one of those things reminding me to live and make this all worthwhile, even if I have trouble listening to more than 30 seconds of it.

That 30 seconds is enough, and just as I feel the tears welling up, I turn the station and take a deep breath.

Hug people today, folks. Hard, and often.

Sunrise

7 May

Sunrise-New-York

 

It sneaks in, pouring like warm honey
through the cracks of
my window shade.

The city streets stretch–
and slowly liven as
icy dew forms
upon my soul,

for I too must rise
and shine for another day of
absolute horseshit at literally the most

Mundane.
Job.
Ever.

Fine, sunrise,
you relentless nag.
I’m up,

but I swear I’ll quit today
if that bubbly,
know-it-all bitch, Denise,
doesn’t stop squawking about her wedding.

Exciting Month

3 May

This is an exciting month. I’m running away to a private island off the coast of Honduras. Well, I’ll try, anyway. If they don’t want me to extend my stay, I’ll make my way to El Salvador. There are children in a village there I want to revisit. Or maybe you’ll find me in Mexico, instead, or Miami or Key West.

Before I do any of that though, I’ll be at the beach for a bachelorette party and back home for a graduation, anniversary party and a wedding.

Like I said, this an exciting month.

I’ll admit that secretly I had hoped all these celebrations, far off places and beautiful people would distract my mind from what happened, and what’s coming, but running away never works the way we intend it to though, does it?

It doesn’t matter where you go, you can’t escape people who never really leave when they’re gone. So instead, I’ll take the time to stop and remember. I’ll embrace it, and feel it. I’ll take time for silence, and to say thank you.

Then with my head held high (hopefully), I’ll continue down the path I’m on in this one wild and precious life.

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