Ricky

20 Feb

We had a meeting this morning. When it was over, this guy Ricky asked for my office phone number so I could give him more details. So I gave it to him and then said in my proudest, smoothest voice, “Ricky, don’t lose that number.”

Yes, my friends, it was a perfectly executed joke about one of Steely Dan’s most popular songs, “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number.” Not only that, but it was expertly delivered to the perfect audience–a room full of 40-50 year old men who all appreciated it and laughed…except for Ricky. My smile faded as he sat there looking at me blankly. Then, the most preposterous thing happened:

 

______

Me: You know, like the song by Steely Dan?

Ricky: I don’t know Steely Dan.

______

 
Weird.

I let it slide, but I’ve been stewing ever since. Really, Ricky?  How is it possible to have zero knowledge of Steely Dan when you’re an American man in your 40s–especially if your name is Ricky? You’re actually telling me no one has used that line on you before? Do you have a radio? Can you hear? Do you even enjoy music? 

Are you really saying your friends never mentioned it? That’s impossible. Clearly you have no friends or the worst friends ever.

You know, it’s not like you have to be in love with Steely Dan to know the song. You don’t even have to know the song is by Steely Dan. What’s important is that the majority of American men over the age of 25 have heard “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number,” even if it was just at the grocery store or in a friend’s car or something.

That includes you, Ricky. I know you’ve heard it and I’m on to you, you monster.

Phew.

So get this, you guys. As I was sitting here writing this and stewing away, I got an email. From Ricky.

 

Screen Shot3 2014

 

Ricky went right ahead and lost my number. Unless he’s a great liar, he may not even understand how funny that is. What an ass.

I refuse to give it to him again. Surely this is a sick joke or some kind of plan to make me lose my mind. Whatever. You can go send my middle finger off in a letter to yourself, bud, because you’ll never win. Do you hear me?

You’ll NEVER WIN.

 

Sparkly, Safe and Funny Inside

18 Feb

On the night we met, I thought he was just goofy and weird (he is), but I remember walking into my quiet house after he dropped me off and something felt different. “That guy’s a weirdo,” I thought to myself–but it wasn’t bad. I felt sparkly and safe and funny inside.

It has been one year and I still feel that way. Friday was my first Valentine’s Day with someone in a couple of years. At first I felt strange about it because I kept thinking about the final Valentine’s Day I had with my ex-boyfriend before he passed away. That evening he said I had to straighten my wavy hair because it was “too wild” and later that I seemed unhappy and was “impossible to please.”

It made me think about my expectations and I felt bad, but he was right, I wasn’t happy. Despite the fancy Valentine’s Day presentation, I didn’t have fun and I didn’t know why.

Last weekend I learned, however, that it’s not that I am “impossible to please.” It isn’t that I didn’t appreciate fine dining and $94 Vera Wang roses in a silver julep cup that were meant to sweep me off my feet with modern sophistication. It was that I needed to be with someone goofy and weird who gives me room to be myself, have fun and let my hair flow freely. That’s just who I am.

The best thing I ever did was take the time to be honest with myself about who I am and what I was looking for in a relationship. BEST. IDEA. EVER. It seems like it would be such a simple thing to do, doesn’t it? But it isn’t easy for all of us, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

So, now things are different. On Friday, we had our own version of a romantic weekend and it was the best I’ve ever had, even if the cupcakes weren’t perfect and even if we looked out the window and saw this:

 

 

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A Different Kind of Swan

30 Jan

When I was 20, I kept a handwritten journal while studying abroad at the University of London, Birkbeck. I found the journal a couple of weeks ago and have enjoyed reading it and remembering the fun we had.

There are a few entries worth sharing, but the one below from January 30, 2005 is a favorite.

 

____________

Jan 30.

It’s the end of January and we’ve been here for almost a month. London is absolutely different–guys actually like me and talk to me here. At home I’m kind of like the ugly duckling, but here I feel more like a swan. First of all, a Saudi prince kissed me at the pub. I know there are a lot of them, but still. I never thought I’d be saying I was kissed by a prince. That sounds like a lie, but I swear it happened.

Then, the other day, some hot guy in a business suit said I’m the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. What the hell?

Also, I never thought I’d be saying a naked British man farted on me, but here I am. That happened. I guess that isn’t really a “swan” thing, but it’s funny. A British woman named Dawn kissed me, too, and it made me laugh. She’s from Gateshead. I can’t even understand her half the time.

Basically, I’ve been kissed more in the last month than I have so far in my whole life. It’s weird. Things are really funny and odd here, and it just keeps happening. I embarrass myself a lot,  too. Kelli and I look at each other every time like “what is going ON?”

So maybe I’m a different kind of swan since these aren’t normal swan things? Or maybe all these people are on drugs? All I know is that when the time comes, I don’t think I will want to go home.

Time for bed, we have a test tomorrow.

____________

 

I like that entry because I had no idea that all the odd, funny, and embarrassing moments would continue to happen.

Just this morning I was hung over and walking into work when I noticed a big lump trying to escape out the bottom of my pant leg, which soon I discovered was a pair of underpants that needed to be pulled out in broad daylight. Yikes.

And so I stick by that “different kind of swan” explanation. It would be boring to be normal, anyway.

In Defense of My Absence. Sort of.

24 Jan

Many of you have complained that I don’t write enough. First of all, in my defense, it’s kind of hard to write from inside my purple comforter that I’ve been rolled up in like a taquito ever since arctic air began chilling my actual bones. This is what we have going on today:

 

Screen Shot 2014-01-24 at 10.23.54 AM

Ridiculous.

 

Or, according to my friend Paula, it’s Baby, It’s HOLY MOTHER OF GOD I NEED MORE LAYERS Outside. Her area is far more frigid though, so I shouldn’t even be talking (which isn’t a reference to her lacking any sort of sexual responsiveness, as she seems to have no problems there. But I’m not calling her a hobeast or anything, either! Well, maybe a little bit. Would you just read her blog already? Jeez).

The second reason I haven’t been around is that my boyfriend moved in and suddenly I do weird things, such as go on dates instead of writing alone while drinking wine from a bag.

The third reason, which sucks to admit, is sheer anxiety masked by busy work. As you may recall, there’s supposed to be a book in the works, but every other day is spent worrying that you will hate it, so I withdrawal and claim something important is going on and the idea isn’t revisited until about 2 weeks later. It’s a vicious cycle. Sometimes I even choose exercise over writing just so I don’t have to do it. Can you believe it?

Embarrassingly, I’m writing this post right now for the very same reason.

The weird thing is that the stories in the book thoroughly delighted others, and that is the ultimate goal, so I don’t know what my problem is. I’m stuck, people. I’m stuck and I’m a wuss and it’s time to admit it.

So…that’s it. There it is. Judge me as you will (although I would prefer some encouragement or advice).

A Quickie

31 Dec

According to my WordPress Annual Report, my most popular topics in 2013 were:

1. Stuff I did on Ambien
2. My first time
3. Young James Spader
4. Guys stripping on Skype
5. My boobs

WordPress suggests I talk more on these subjects.

I am so, so very grateful that people care about these topics, but what else could I possibly say?

Boobs? Still got ‘em. “My First Time” was actually about death, so no thanks.

Thankfully, I haven’t seen any douchey guys strip on Skype and my opinion still stands that James Spader was hot when he was young.

So…now what? Well, I guess new and somewhat interesting posts will just have to exist! Stay tuned for all kinds of titles laced with innuendo. You’re so excited right now. I can feel it.

To be honest, I would still write about whatever keeps me sane whether I had 1 view or 40,000 views in a year. It just happens to be that the latter number was more accurate in 2013, so I just wanted to say THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone for your support. You’re awesome!

A lot of you are a bunch of pervs and I guess some of you like poetry, but I love all of you just the same and not by the one abnormally long hair on my chinny-chin-chin would I have you any other way.

Cheers! Happy New Year!

8 Perfect Gifts for Ladies

23 Dec

So, you waited until today to buy your lady a gift and you have no idea what you’re looking for. Naughty. Fortunately, I have a keen eye for all things unique and beautiful, as seen in my award-winning piece about dresses, and I’m about to save your life with this list of perfect gifts for ladies.
 

1. Grumpy Cat Tank Top

grumpycat

The Grumpy Cat tank top is great for the fashionista in your life. I mean, it’s Grumpy Cat being grumpy and possibly howling at the moon…and it’s a TANK TOP. Women named Julie and Jen will be shocked by its perfection and this summer our jaws will drop when we see all the trendy moms in visors and fanny packs wearing this very tank top over their bathing suits at the water park. You heard it here first!
 
 

2. Stix Eyewear (not to be confused with Styx, the band I love)

stix_eyewear2

This is an ideal gift for the gal who wears glasses and often uses chopsticks for food and/or her hair. I guess that is super specific….I don’t know, maybe you’re buying for your best friend who also happens to be a nearsighted geisha spy. If so, this is your lucky day!
 
 

3. Heated Snake Rug

rug

Mom won’t be passive aggressively criticizing any of your choices this holiday season after she receives a heated snake rug. You might have to help her get in and out of it because this doesn’t look like an easy process. If you would say your mom isn’t much of a slitherer, a heated blanket may or may not be a better choice.
 
 

4. Extremely Classy Duvet

duvet

Your girlfriend will love this duvet much more than an engagement ring. I promise. All her friends who recently got engaged will be so jealous when you post it on Facebook! “I want this instead!” they’ll shout at their betrotheds. You best pick out a fancy cape because you, sir, are about to be a hero.
 
 

5. Diamond Ice Cube Tray

diamond-icecubes

This is a really good gift for a girlfriend you’ve been with for 8 years or so. The moment she sees it she will need a drink and if she cries, it’s likely because she’s so happy.

 
 

6. Shittens

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Your wife wants Shittens, trust me. Shittens are disposable mitten-shaped moist wipes. Also, just so we’re clear, they’re for butts.
 
 
7. Banana Bunker

banana

A gift for all women everywhere–the Banana Bunker. It’s strictly for bananas. I don’t know a single woman who likes a bruised banana and that’s why this is a great gift. I say buy a pack and give them to coworkers, your sister, your aunt and anyone else who doesn’t like bruised bananas. What a great stocking stuffer!
 
 
Aaaaannd last but not least….
 
8. Wine Rack

winerack-med

Another thing your girlfriend probably wants is a wine rack. Okay, maybe it’s just me that wants this. Someone please buy me this for Christmas. Please? Anyone? I just want to drink wine out of my sports bra already.

Ultimate Makeout Session Mix

17 Dec

Yesterday I learned that many of you have listened to certain songs when having or imagining a makeout session. From this prompt I also learned that I know a bunch of wonderful weirdos.

As a little gift to you this holiday season, I made a playlist of our songs to help listeners have an amazing makeout session!

Long time lovers? Trying to impress someone on the first date? This playlist will work wonders–I promise. Okay, so maybe the results were a little different from what I imagined….and there are a few ads in there so that’s annoying, but the playlist will serve its purpose so you better do so much kissing and touching and stuff to these songs! DO IT. ALL THE SEXY TIMES.

Just think, soon this could be you:

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But hopefully better. This is not good. Don’t do it this way.

Whoever you’re kissing will thank me later (because he or she has probably never swapped spit during “Kokomo” AND Cher on the same day).

I, as you already know, chose “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Below I included links to the writers and artists who participated and their songs of choice. I encourage folks to check them out as they are extremely talented and some of my very favorite creative people on all of the internets!

All of the song suggestions can be found on the Ultimate Makeout Session Mix playlist.  Enjoy!

Jason, thejasonmingle: Cher – If I Could Turn Back Time

Amy, The Bumble Files: Phil Collins – Take a Look at Me Now

Emily, The Waiting: Anything by Pearl Jam due to an Eddie Vedder crush, so I chose “Even Flow.”

Madame Weebles: Soul II Soul – Back to Life

Johnny Ojanpera: Roxette – It Must Have Been Love

Jason, The Life of JWo: Warrant – Cherry Pie

Jen and Tonic: Beach Boys – Kokomo

Vyvy, Vyvacious: Marvin Gaye – Let’s Get It On

TJ Lubrano: Backstreet Boys – Nobody but You

RidicuRyder: Bobby Darin – Mack the Knife

Trent Lewin: Anything by Abba, so I chose the song “Fernando.”

Steph Rogers, She Said What: Nelly Furtado - Magical World (Bassnectar Remix)

Becca, 25 To Fly: Sevyn Streeter feat. Chris Brown – It Won’t Stop (I chose this over John Mayer because John Mayer once said, “My dick is sort of like a white supremacist” soooo…).

Ginger Fight Back: Dr Feelgood – Milk and Alcohol

Pure Moods

16 Dec

When I was a dorky 13-year-old, I bought the Pure Moods compilation CD after seeing an infomercial for it at a sleepover. There was something about it that drew me in, something bewitching.  If you’ve never heard of it, please, watch the commercial and find yourself as enchanted as I was:

Are you under the Pure Moods spell yet? Thought so. There’s probably a mist rising all around you at this very moment.

The song from this extraordinary compilation that really got me was “Return to Innocence” by Enigma. Watch this magical tribute to wolves whilst the song makes gentle love to your ears (for optimal results, please listen as you continue on your literary journey):

So at this awkward stage in my life when I wore a headgear and was the same weight I am now, my biggest dream ever was to kiss a boy and whenever I listened to the song, I visited a magical land where Jeff Goldblum or some really cute boy grabbed me and at first I was all, “I don’t know about this,” but then I would succumb to his lips and fall into his arms while the wind blew through my long hair and behind us were green, rolling hills and a beautiful white horse with sparkles in its mane galloped by and then suddenly we would be holding hands and running through a lush forest and….and….

let’s just say it was a painful many, many years until a boy actually kissed me.

Last night I told my boyfriend that story and he said, “Okay, well we can listen to the song and kiss and stuff if you want.” Then we did, and now there’s an incredibly ecstatic 13-year-old girl in my heart (and later she will probably be squealing at the cafeteria lunch table and giving high fives all around to her friends and they’ll be like OMG YAYY this SO beats writing angsty poetry).

Anyway.

I guess I should also mention that it was pretty weird making out with that wolf video in the background. It didn’t quite capture the “spirit” I was hoping for. Maybe if he was wearing a wolf t-shirt or something and I had a dreamcatcher tattoo? I don’t know. Perhaps we will try that out next time.

So, did (do) you ever imagine making out to a particular song? Of course you did (do)–please share it below and I will post something special tomorrow with your answers!

That’s not the beginning of the end
That’s the return to yourself
The return to innocence.

Jen and Tonic’s Birthday Surprise!

26 Nov

Hey, Jen and Tonic! Happy Birthday! This morning I got you a cake…

 

cake

 

but then, for some reason, that guy put his peen near it. Rude.

So I was like, clearly I can’t give her a wiener cake, so I got you another, but this happened:

 

cake (1)

 

Um, hello?  Sir? Yes, you there, with the muscles. Maybe we wanted to eat that cake. How inconsiderate of you to just pop out of it like that. Did you ever think that maybe we just genuinely wanted to sit around and eat a delicious cake? God.

Then I had a great idea–a personal cake from the bakery…

 

cake-wrecks-hot-tom-selleck

 

…but they put the wrong name on your gorgeous Tom Selleck cake. I couldn’t believe it.

On my walk home I tried to think of what I’d tell you about the cake. Surely you wouldn’t believe me when I explained that a guy tried to put his dick in the first one and Muscles McGillicutty ruined the second and that the third was perfect, but had the wrong name.

Suddenly, I saw some cute animals in the distance that would make it all better. I guess their handlers had to come too, I don’t know why. Whatever, just ignore them.

 

um 0e4f9a51efd0c38cdc03261cf55ee5d4

guy

 

Ugh, what the hell!? I uninvited that last guy! I don’t know how he got here. I apologize, Jen. Seriously.

Anyway, I hope you’re having a delightful day. Happy Birthday!

I Wear Orange Because…

25 Nov

November 25th (until December 10th, Human Rights Day) is recognized by the UN as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We are called to wear orange today to bring awareness to this cause. I saw people on Twitter posting “I wear orange because…” and offering their own messages, as seen here:

 

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Get it, fellas!

Personally, I wear orange because I believe in confronting sexual violence instead of remaining silent. I wear orange because I refuse to accept one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.

 

orange

 

I could reflect on my own story or look up a bunch of scary or sad facts for you and post them here, but instead I invite you to the UN Women website, where you can see the way men and women around the world are motivating communities, providing education and working creatively to end violence against women.

You may be surprised by the hope you find in the articles they’ve shared.

Of course there is always more to do, but it’s okay to appreciate worldwide progress, especially during times when it seems like all we hear is bad news.

Also, check out United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, he pretty much rocks:

 

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