Tag Archives: air sex

Hoop! There It Is.

29 Aug

Do you ever nostalgically look at the things you did regularly when you were a kid and wonder if you can still do them? Like monkey bars? Or skateboard?

Recently my family had a party and I was eyeing up my niece’s hula hoop. After a couple of beers (oh, who am I kidding, I drink tequila these days), I decided to give it a go. Why not? What better time to try being a kid again than when you’re drinking tequila on a hot afternoon?

I brought it out to the yard where everyone was standing. “Crazy On You” by Heart was playing on the radio. I gave it a shot and sure enough, not only could I still hula hoop, but I was amazing at it. And it kept going. And going…

and going…

Ann and Nancy Wilson and I were still killing it halfway through the song when suddenly I looked up at my family and became horrified by the awkward expression on their faces that said it all—oh my god, hula hooping is just air humping…with a hoop.

So, basically, my family was watching me air fuck. Awesome. Not even Don Julio (tequila) could keep me going after such a realization.

I took the hula hoop home with me that day and it has become part of my exercise routine. I stick my iPod between my boobs and hula the shit out of that thing every single day and I’ve lost 16 lbs and developed quite a bit of muscle tone and definition.

I can suggest this exciting air sex activity to all readers who, like me, want to feel like a kid again and want to participate in sexy time, but are not lucky enough to be a kid or have sex in real life.

I was going to say more about this, but my boss just brought in two bottles of wine on ice and went to get a bottle opener. I don’t know why he did that, but I’m sure it will make a good story for next time.

 

On Air Sex World Championships

13 Apr

I am going to pop out of my shell today and share something called the Air Sex World Championships. It’s like air guitar, except it’s sex and there are less rules. Contestants have 2 minutes to perform an Air Sex routine. The routine can include all phases of a sexual encounter. Props are allowed, teams are allowed and talking is allowed. The only important rule is that all sexual climaxes must be simulated. Sex judges are comedians, musicians, artists and press. They choose 3 acts who return for a final round that is performed to a mystery song.

I want to do it. I’m serious. Those of you who know me are thinking there is no way I would go through with it, right? Do not doubt me, my friends. I finally have a calling and it is the Air Sex World Championships. We all knew my calling would be something that would better the world.

Since teams are allowed, SnarkySnatch, will you do me the honor of performing with me? What better day to say yes than this day–Friday the Fuck Buddy 13th? You know you want to, don’t hold back. We would be good at it and our performance would be wicked hot. My brain (among other things) is already flooding with ideas. I don’t know about you, but I will have to practice simulating an orgasm since I’ve never faked an orgasm in my life. Let’s do it. You pick the song.

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