2012 has been a challenging year for everyone I know, and I think we have all grown a lot because of it. I am thankful for this growth. I am also thankful for these other things:
1. Hot dogs.
2. The power-ups Christopher De Voss gives me throughout the day. He’s 900 miles away, so I don’t even know how he does that. We’re like magical and stuff.
3. Magic and stuff.
4. Anything that eats spiders because I do not like those guys.
5. My budding hula hooping talent that will someday make me a vaudeville circus star.
6. That I never break my nose when I’m lying in bed and drop my phone directly on it.
7. My milkshake and the superabundance of boys it brings to the yard.
8. The roof over my head and the candy on my plate.
9. Laughter caused by Twitter. I can’t believe those people give that degree of funny away for free.
10. This surfing alpaca.
What are you thankful for?
It may have rained in two of my bedrooms, but I made it through the storm. On Monday night I was so bored that I ate an entire bag of Halloween candy, drank a bottle of wine and then, by candlelight and Nicki French’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart,” learned to sing and hula hoop with two hoops at the same time. That will be useful for my future, I’m sure.
Anyway, Happy Halloween! While you all are out with your children, I’ll be
stuffing my face giving out candy by myself and wishing I had a screaming kid on a sugar high.
Do you ever nostalgically look at the things you did regularly when you were a kid and wonder if you can still do them? Like monkey bars? Or skateboard?
Recently my family had a party and I was eyeing up my niece’s hula hoop. After a couple of beers (oh, who am I kidding, I drink tequila these days), I decided to give it a go. Why not? What better time to try being a kid again than when you’re drinking tequila on a hot afternoon?
I brought it out to the yard where everyone was standing. “Crazy On You” by Heart was playing on the radio. I gave it a shot and sure enough, not only could I still hula hoop, but I was amazing at it. And it kept going. And going…
Ann and Nancy Wilson and I were still killing it halfway through the song when suddenly I looked up at my family and became horrified by the awkward expression on their faces that said it all—oh my god, hula hooping is just air humping…with a hoop.
So, basically, my family was watching me air fuck. Awesome. Not even Don Julio (tequila) could keep me going after such a realization.
I took the hula hoop home with me that day and it has become part of my exercise routine. I stick my iPod between my boobs and hula the shit out of that thing every single day and I’ve lost 16 lbs and developed quite a bit of muscle tone and definition.
I can suggest this exciting air sex activity to all readers who, like me, want to feel like a kid again and want to participate in sexy time, but are not lucky enough to be a kid or have sex in real life.
I was going to say more about this, but my boss just brought in two bottles of wine on ice and went to get a bottle opener. I don’t know why he did that, but I’m sure it will make a good story for next time.