We had a meeting this morning. When it was over, this guy Ricky asked for my office phone number so I could give him more details. So I gave it to him and then said in my proudest, smoothest voice, “Ricky, don’t lose that number.”
Yes, my friends, it was a perfectly executed joke about one of Steely Dan’s most popular songs, “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number.” Not only that, but it was expertly delivered to the perfect audience–a room full of 40-50 year old men who all appreciated it and laughed…except for Ricky. My smile faded as he sat there looking at me blankly. Then, the most preposterous thing happened:
Me: You know, like the song by Steely Dan?
Ricky: I don’t know Steely Dan.
I let it slide, but I’ve been stewing ever since. Really, Ricky? How is it possible to have zero knowledge of Steely Dan when you’re an American man in your 40s–especially if your name is Ricky? You’re actually telling me no one has used that line on you before? Do you have a radio? Can you hear? Do you even enjoy music?
Are you really saying your friends never mentioned it? That’s impossible. Clearly you have no friends or the worst friends ever.
You know, it’s not like you have to be in love with Steely Dan to know the song. You don’t even have to know the song is by Steely Dan. What’s important is that the majority of American men over the age of 25 have heard “Rikki Don’t Lose That Number,” even if it was just at the grocery store or in a friend’s car or something.
That includes you, Ricky. I know you’ve heard it and I’m on to you, you monster.
So get this, you guys. As I was sitting here writing this and stewing away, I got an email. From Ricky.
Ricky went right ahead and lost my number. Unless he’s a great liar, he may not even understand how funny that is. What an ass.
I refuse to give it to him again. Surely this is a sick joke or some kind of plan to make me lose my mind. Whatever. You can go send my middle finger off in a letter to yourself, bud, because you’ll never win. Do you hear me?
You’ll NEVER WIN.