Tag Archives: love
3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

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My Party Trick

19 Dec

Yesterday at 2pm, instead of attending the work holiday party, my two guy friends and I escaped to the bar and drank three pitchers of beer. As they droned on and on about fantasy football, boobs, bacon and whatever else guys talk about, an important question popped suddenly into my mind:

“Do I have a party trick?”

I didn’t think I did. How disturbing. “No wonder I always have such a terrible time meeting people at parties,” I thought to myself, “I DON’T HAVE A PARTY TRICK.”

I asked my friend about it and he replied, “Um…eating Oreos? You’re good at eating a lot of Oreos. And hula hooping.”

While I liked the idea of showing off these talents, something told me that partygoers won’t be impressed by watching me eat myself into an Oreo coma and chances are the host of whatever party doesn’t have two hula hoops sitting out, just waiting for me to wow everyone with my magical hooping abilities.

I spent the rest of the afternoon kind of drunk wandering around in a confused state, thinking about this missing piece to the La La puzzle.

Finally, I decided to consult my expert, Chris De Voss.
 
PartyTrick
 
Maybe he was right, surely it was my monkey face that he fell for in the first place. I went to Google Images and searched for “best monkey face” and found that compared to the results, I do actually make a decent monkey face.

 
Them (ridiculous):
Screen Shot 2012-12-19 at 1.11.28 PM

 
Me (authentic):
Photo on 12-19-12 at 11.57 AM
 
So there you have it. Now I will easily make new friends and get any job I want when I move to Florida, all thanks to this unique talent!

What about you, do you have a party trick?

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Eros, Philia and Agape

9 Dec
IMG_20120908_155310

Baltimore Love Project, Hampden

 

One soul, two bodies,
both with intense longing
that transcends physical appetite.
My best friend, equal, alike in virtue,
we know passion without necessity of reciprocity.
Pure, this is love that consumes and surpasses all else.

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The Aztec, Market, And Orange Ball: Part II

19 Nov orangeworld

This will make no sense without reading part uno here.*

La La grabs my hand and we enter the big orange ball. With my other hand I shield my eyes against the bright orange light that flashes at us as we walk through the door.

Before us is a long hallway with magnets covering the walls from floor to ceiling.

“I need an Orlando magnet,” La La says to me and smiles.

“Ok,” I reply. “But what about the meeting?”

“We are in it,” La La responds as she leads me down the hallway.

We look at the miles and miles of magnets. They have every city, every country, every state, except Orlando.

“What the hell?!” I ask stunned.

“Maybe through this door,” La La says. A million different types of citrus fruits come tumbling out. I grab La La and press her against the wall, shielding her with my body.

We look at each other and kiss.***

“That was nice,” La La says, smiling.

“Yes…” I start to say, but suddenly we are interrupted by a voice calling through the door.

“Bruschetta! Bruschetta!” Free Bruschetta!”

I steal another quick kiss and we both turn to look through the open door. Inside we see what looks like a grocery store, except all the produce twinkles with a golden hue. There are tables after tables of vendor type looking people with food samples in front of them.  The closest table has piles and piles of the best looking Bruschetta that I have ever seen.

I link La La’s arm with mine,

“Let’s go. Free Bruschetta, baby!”

As we enter through the door, a man stops us on the other side.

‘Hello,” the man says. “My name is Justin. I make the most beautiful, delicious wine ever. You may not enter without a coupon.’

‘Is it better than a Malbec? I seriously doubt it is. Nothing is,” La La says, challenges Justin.

Justin looks like he suddenly smelled a dinosaur fart.

“Don’t. You. Ever. Say. That. Again!” he says. “Follow me, I will give you a taste!”

“So much for the coupon,” I whisper in La La’s ear. She smiles.

We follow Justin through the winding rows of vendors and their free samples. I see ice cream, crab salad, stuffed fig leaves, gnocchi…and I grab them all. La La gives me a funny look.

“Dinner later,” I say and shrug as much as I can with an arm full of free samples.

Justin stops at the longest table I have ever seen. Black wine bottles are stacked on the table and on each bottle is a handwritten label that says “Justin. The Best Wine. Ever. Bitches.”

Justin pours two tiny thimble samples of wine and hands them to us. I drink mine.

“Really good!” I say.

La La grabs the bottle from Justin and starts to chug.

“Hey!” Justin cries.

“It’s ok, ” I say. “Just better let her do what she wants.”

“Buy my wine,” Justin says. “Justify me!”

“Ok, dude,” I say, grabbing a bottle. “You’re justified!”

The Market starts to shake like there’s an earthquake. The vendor tables overturn, otters and cats run for cover in the bushes, and a lady with a laptop screams, “My Farmville! My Farmville! Someone save my Farmville!”

“What does that mean?” I ask La La.

“Come on!” La La screams and leads us through an open door to the side of the market.

We run through the door and La La shuts it. Suddenly we are in the middle of an airport. No one else is in the airport except one older Homeland Security Guard. He points to a table set up in the middle of the waiting area. I look down in my arms. All I have left from the market is a wedge of brie, a loaf of french bread, a smoked Gouda pasta salad, and the bottle of Justin. La La sits down at the table which now has wine glasses and plates. I sit down too. The band Crystal Fighters appear and start playing some songs.

The Homeland Security Guard says, “It’s time.”

“Time for what?” I ask.

“Time to go,” he says and points to an airplane.

I grab La La’s hand and we get on the airplane. The Crystal Fighters fight over our left over Gouda pasta salad and an old cleaning woman sweeps up the crumbs from the French Bread with a vacuum.

*However it is a dream**, so it may not make any sense any way
**Or is it?
***It’s my dream, dammit! I’ll kiss her if I want!

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Truth Revealed

5 Oct

Rest easy, my friends, for the answer to life’s greatest mystery is finally unveiled:
 

Lauren 9:16 AM
to Christopher

 

 

Important question. When Will Smith walks in the snow, does he leave fresh prints?
________________________________________________________________

Christopher 9:17 AM (1 minute ago)

to Lauren

 

 

No, he just leaves DJ Jazzy Jeff behind to a life of obscurity…

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Charm City Heroine Versus Junkie

3 Oct

Every now and then, a charm city chick might find herself crouched on the floor behind her bed, waiting for the police to arrive. It’s in that moment she realizes the only person she really has is herself, so she better get her dull knife ready in case she has to stab a bitch.

She focuses on her breath as she hears the intruder’s footsteps get louder. For some reason she is steady and unafraid. She smiles and wonders if maybe Baltimore should be considered a training course for the zombie apocalypse (our silly heroine has a habit of making jokes to herself during serious moments).

When the police turn up, she discovers it was just the neighbor’s junkie son trying to break into the wrong house. No big deal, he’s cool most of the time.

Or is it a big deal?

This was her fifth call to the police in four years. Most people don’t call the police that much, but she often finds herself observing or being a part of very odd situations involving very odd people–usually in the John Waters sense. Despite all the laughs she gets from these characters, she doesn’t always enjoy living in Baltimore, especially when she’s in danger or things get out of hand.

Why does she stay? Well, it’s interesting how family ties might keep a heroine in a place she doesn’t want to live.

Little does she know (okay, she knows) that soon she will be invited by the story’s hero to try somewhere and something completely new. He has a few things to take care of first (you know, hero stuff). When he finally asks her to come with him, it is advised that he arrive on a magic carpet and be prepared for a duet.

Just saying.

 

 

Will she then accept his offer? I wouldn’t know. Until we find out, someone should probably buy that girl a better knife…and a large suitcase.

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Stellar Ignition

25 Sep

I was a tide-tousled, untamed sea
until your arms
wrapped around me
like warm sunlight’s sway.

Sway with me
Stay,
kiss my lips until we glow together
and become the matchstick for
stellar ignition

6.14.12

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re·viv·i·fi·ca·tion

24 Sep

We are all infused with some form of creativity. Inspiration can be found everywhere, and whatever “it” is that makes you guys come up with funny posts like this and this, I am grateful that you share it with me and the world.

There are 6 reasons I feel the spark today:

1. That unmistakable, crisp autumn scent is in the air. Baltimore is much nicer when it doesn’t smell like garbage, ghetto palm (also known as the “cum tree”) and dirty gym socks. H.L. Mencken once said that in the summertime this city smells like polecats. I don’t know what polecats smell like, but I bet it’s pretty gross.

2. In the middle of the night, I went to the bathroom and a voyeur mouse ran out  and watched me pee. That stupid perv mouse just sat and watched and made me realize that my stories are crazy, but true, and I just need to keep writing.

3. I visited a friend before work:

 

4. I had delicious red velvet cake for breakfast, motherfuckers.

5. My boss told me my huge raise was finally approved. Now I feel more appreciated and I won’t have to move into a deluxe cardboard box on the side of the road.

6. Last night/this morning I had an 8 hour-long Skype date with a man. A real man. A respectful one. We have been talking for awhile. From now on we are going to refer to him as Mr. White, because he’s so very white. Like, super white. He glows. And he’s funny. He’s really funny. And cute (like oh-my-god-when-did-I-become-a-teenager funny/cute). I want to have his babies. Okay, I just want to practice making his babies. I kind of want to hug his head. I feel excited and like, really warm right now and I might squee or something. It could be the caffeine. Or I need to get laid because it has been a whole year. Or maybe I really am just a teenager posting as an almost 28 year old woman. Or maybe I’m in love. Ugh, it’s really hot in here. What is happening to me? Is this what girls felt like when they met Elvis? I feel like I’m going to meet Elvis or something.

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Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:

 

 

Gentlemen,

Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.

Love,

Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

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Young Marlon Brando Up At Bat

5 Sep

I have a special treat for you today. As you may know, I went on a date yesterday afternoon with Young Marlon Brando. I have invited my humorous man friend Chris De Voss to present you with a detailed play-by-play of the event. Sigh. Enjoy….

_______________

Gary:  Welcome to Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. I’m your host, Gary Breezy, and as always my ever excited co-host Steven Roboto…

Steven: I’m really excited for today’s match up! I hope he gets in her pants. Hell, I hope I get in her pants!

Gary: Easy…easy! Let’s meet today’s competitors. We have returning 6 time champion La La…and her competitor, making his first appearance in our arena…rookie, Young Marlon Brando!

Steven: La La is looking rather provocative in her long sleeve button up blouse and long black skirt below the knees, smart pearl necklace, and pulled back hair.

Gary: Um…how is that provocative? I think you mean conservative.

Steven: No, no. I know what I meant. She’s not wearing a trench coat, now is she? You can practically see her shins.

Gary: Ok, whatever. How about Young Marlon Brando?

Steven: Young Marlon Brando is playing it cool. He is sporting ball-hugging jeans, open collared button down oxford…pink…nice! And a sport coat. The gel caked in his hair is a nice touch.

Gary: The players are in position. Our judges this evening are Erik Dostrovy from former Soviet Russia, Click Click Clack, from some bush tribe in Africa, and the American, Eddie the Rabbit from New Jersey. The referee blows the whistle and we are under way. Should be a great match!

Steven: I wonder if she is wearing panties?

Gary: Steven! Easy! La La strolls into the bar and flashes that trademark smile of hers. Classic, classic opening move for her.

Steven: I see the judges awarded her points for that. They probably would have awarded more if we knew whether she was wearing panties.

Gary: Why don’t you get yourself some ice-cold water…alright buddy? Maybe put it in your pants. Young Marlon Brando has yet to notice she has entered the bar. Rookie mistake. You can’t make these kinds of mistakes once you are at this level of play. I know the roar of the crowd can be distracting, but you have to put all that out of your head and really focus!

Steven: The judge from New Jersey looks pissed! Probably got some money riding on this!

Gary: Oh wait! Young Marlon Brando sees her finally…jumps out of his chair…nice….nice…pulls out a chair for her! Pulls out a chair for her! Nice recovery!

Steven: You don’t see that move very often anymore. Judges look pleased.

Gary: Yes, indeedy, they do. OK, now the cocktail waitress comes over and puts some napkins down on the table…

Steven: Don’t play with the napkin….

Gary: Oh! Young Marlon Brando played with the napkin! Dammit! The Russian judge is hanging his head in disgust. Referee blows the whistle and resets the cocktail napkin. Play starts again. Young Marlon Brando orders for La La!

Steven: Ooooo…classic blunder on a first date. That’s a third date play. You can tell he’s a rookie.

Gary: Yes…yes, you’re right Steven. He ordered her a Mai Tai. Points will be deducted for that. If he had done his homework, he would have known she is a wine drinker.

Steven: Only one move can counter this, does he know it?

Gary: He does! He does! He told an amusing joke. Young Marlon Brando is still in this! Steven why are you on the floor?

Steven: Ummmm…dropped my pencil?

Gary: Get up here. OK, the referee blows the whistle signaling the start of the small talk quarter.

Steven: Don’t talk about the weather….oh no…he talked about the weather!

Gary: Disgraceful. Meanwhile, La La gains huge points for running her finger seductively around the rim of her glass. The African judge had to change his penis gourd on that one.

Steven: So far, La La is in control of this playing field. It’s going to take a lot for Young Marlon Brando to come back. He needs to really move the chains…and by move the chains I mean take off those necklaces he is wearing.

Gary: And that’s the whistle. Half time. As La La heads to the restroom, let’s hear a word from our sponsor: Colt 45! Colt 45 for when the date will never end…buy her a Colt 45 and excuse yourself to the bathroom and jump out the window. Colt 45–now in 90 ounce cans.

Steven: Start of the second half, but La La hasn’t returned yet…Oh boy! Young Marlon Brando looks nervous. That will bring his points down.

Gary: Look, there she is! Great play, by La La! She scored points for taking a long time, and now her hair is down as well! Somebody called in an audible on that one!

Steven: Young Marlon Brando stands up as she comes to the table. Nice counter move. He has also ordered a red wine for her while she was in the bathroom. Another great move. Shows this rookie can learn from his mistakes. He may be able to pull this out after all…pun intended.

Gary: Try to keep in mind this airs at 9 o’clock and children may be watching.

Steven: OK, geesh! Young Marlon Brando hits her with some witty banter. And then some more. The judges like what they are hearing. Wait….wait…La La sneezed and Young Marlon Brando pulls out a package of travel size Kleenex! Oh my God! I have never seen a move like that before! Young Marlon Brando! Young Marlon Brando! The crowd goes wild!

Gary: The crowd is really on their feet! La La is smiling! Wait, wait…she is twirling her hair!

Steven: That’s a great sign! Young Marlon Brando is on his way to winning this! Look, La La is laughing! Young Marlon Brando takes the lead! He reaches into his sportcoat to put the Kleenex package back….wait, what was that? What just popped out of his pocket?

Gary: Oh no….

Steven: No, no, no. Is that what I think it is? Folks, a wedding ring just popped out of his pocket and landed on the table!

Gary: The referees are throwing flags right and left! Lead referee, Dennis Moscako calls the other referees over. They are huddling. I sense a heated discussion. Ok, I think we are going to get a ruling….Oh! Young Marlon Brando is disqualified! La La is still the undisputed champion! I repeat, La La is still the undisputed champion!

Steven: The referees are escorting Young Marlon Brando from the bar. He looks pissed, Gary!

Gary: I would be too. This is a no contest win for La La. Um, Steven please get off the floor–you’re not going to be able to see up her dress.

Steven: Sorry.

Gary: I’m Gary Breezy, and as always my color commentator, Steven Roboto…signing off from Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. Join us next week for the Lesbian/Straight Girl Drunk Kissing Challenge.

Steven: My personal favorite. I hope La La is in it.

Gary: It isn’t our highest rated show for nothing. Good night.

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