Tag Archives: love
3 Jan

Here is where I guess it actually ends.

I never believed in anything until about seven months ago. I mean, I had hoped for things, but never truly believed in anything. Then someone I knew dearly and at one point loved romantically, died.

It rained buckets on the day of his funeral. I do not mean to be disrespectful when I say that the symbolism of this downpour was “appropriate,” but it was like we were in a movie or something. As we stood in the cemetery, the rain drenching us, I realized what many of us know but usually take for granted–life is short. Life is so short, we ought to be truly happy.

It is not that I was completely unhappy, but more that I was just existing. You may know this feeling. So, I took a chance and began believing in happiness. Over the weeks that followed, little things started happening, good things, so I continued to believe.

Soon I saw that the sparks of happiness were actually created by me and I realized that I was developing a new love for myself, too.

This week I faced a great difficulty and during this time it hit me that these two things, love for myself and happiness, will get me through anything.

So, here is where it ends. Fear, I mean. I am not afraid to continue down this path of happiness. I am not afraid to be in love. I am not afraid…what a wonderful feeling.

If you have not yet achieved this, you should take a chance and let the rain wash away fear for the sake of your own happiness, too.

Truth Revealed

5 Oct

Rest easy, my friends, for the answer to life’s greatest mystery is finally unveiled:

Lauren 9:16 AM
to Christopher



Important question. When Will Smith walks in the snow, does he leave fresh prints?

Christopher 9:17 AM (1 minute ago)

to Lauren



No, he just leaves DJ Jazzy Jeff behind to a life of obscurity…

Charm City Heroine Versus Junkie

3 Oct

Every now and then, a charm city chick might find herself crouched on the floor behind her bed, waiting for the police to arrive. It’s in that moment she realizes the only person she really has is herself, so she better get her dull knife ready in case she has to stab a bitch.

She focuses on her breath as she hears the intruder’s footsteps get louder. For some reason she is steady and unafraid. She smiles and wonders if maybe Baltimore should be considered a training course for the zombie apocalypse (our silly heroine has a habit of making jokes to herself during serious moments).

When the police turn up, she discovers it was just the neighbor’s junkie son trying to break into the wrong house. No big deal, he’s cool most of the time.

Or is it a big deal?

This was her fifth call to the police in four years. Most people don’t call the police that much, but she often finds herself observing or being a part of very odd situations involving very odd people–usually in the John Waters sense. Despite all the laughs she gets from these characters, she doesn’t always enjoy living in Baltimore, especially when she’s in danger or things get out of hand.

Why does she stay? Well, it’s interesting how family ties might keep a heroine in a place she doesn’t want to live.

Little does she know (okay, she knows) that soon she will be invited by the story’s hero to try somewhere and something completely new. He has a few things to take care of first (you know, hero stuff). When he finally asks her to come with him, it is advised that he arrive on a magic carpet and be prepared for a duet.

Just saying.



Will she then accept his offer? I wouldn’t know. Until we find out, someone should probably buy that girl a better knife…and a large suitcase.


24 Sep

We are all infused with some form of creativity. Inspiration can be found everywhere, and whatever “it” is that makes you guys come up with funny posts like this and this, I am grateful that you share it with me and the world.

There are 6 reasons I feel the spark today:

1. That unmistakable, crisp autumn scent is in the air. Baltimore is much nicer when it doesn’t smell like garbage, ghetto palm (also known as the “cum tree”) and dirty gym socks. H.L. Mencken once said that in the summertime this city smells like polecats. I don’t know what polecats smell like, but I bet it’s pretty gross.

2. In the middle of the night, I went to the bathroom and a voyeur mouse ran out  and watched me pee. That stupid perv mouse just sat and watched and made me realize that my stories are crazy, but true, and I just need to keep writing.

3. I visited a friend before work:


4. I had delicious red velvet cake for breakfast, motherfuckers.

5. My boss told me my huge raise was finally approved. Now I feel more appreciated and I won’t have to move into a deluxe cardboard box on the side of the road.

6. Last night/this morning I had an 8 hour-long Skype date with a man. A real man. A respectful one. We have been talking for awhile. From now on we are going to refer to him as Mr. White, because he’s so very white. Like, super white. He glows. And he’s funny. He’s really funny. And cute (like oh-my-god-when-did-I-become-a-teenager funny/cute). I want to have his babies. Okay, I just want to practice making his babies. I kind of want to hug his head. I feel excited and like, really warm right now and I might squee or something. It could be the caffeine. Or I need to get laid because it has been a whole year. Or maybe I really am just a teenager posting as an almost 28 year old woman. Or maybe I’m in love. Ugh, it’s really hot in here. What is happening to me? Is this what girls felt like when they met Elvis? I feel like I’m going to meet Elvis or something.

Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:




Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.


Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

Young Marlon Brando Up At Bat

5 Sep

I have a special treat for you today. As you may know, I went on a date yesterday afternoon with Young Marlon Brando. I have invited my humorous man friend Chris De Voss to present you with a detailed play-by-play of the event. Sigh. Enjoy….


Gary:  Welcome to Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. I’m your host, Gary Breezy, and as always my ever excited co-host Steven Roboto…

Steven: I’m really excited for today’s match up! I hope he gets in her pants. Hell, I hope I get in her pants!

Gary: Easy…easy! Let’s meet today’s competitors. We have returning 6 time champion La La…and her competitor, making his first appearance in our arena…rookie, Young Marlon Brando!

Steven: La La is looking rather provocative in her long sleeve button up blouse and long black skirt below the knees, smart pearl necklace, and pulled back hair.

Gary: Um…how is that provocative? I think you mean conservative.

Steven: No, no. I know what I meant. She’s not wearing a trench coat, now is she? You can practically see her shins.

Gary: Ok, whatever. How about Young Marlon Brando?

Steven: Young Marlon Brando is playing it cool. He is sporting ball-hugging jeans, open collared button down oxford…pink…nice! And a sport coat. The gel caked in his hair is a nice touch.

Gary: The players are in position. Our judges this evening are Erik Dostrovy from former Soviet Russia, Click Click Clack, from some bush tribe in Africa, and the American, Eddie the Rabbit from New Jersey. The referee blows the whistle and we are under way. Should be a great match!

Steven: I wonder if she is wearing panties?

Gary: Steven! Easy! La La strolls into the bar and flashes that trademark smile of hers. Classic, classic opening move for her.

Steven: I see the judges awarded her points for that. They probably would have awarded more if we knew whether she was wearing panties.

Gary: Why don’t you get yourself some ice-cold water…alright buddy? Maybe put it in your pants. Young Marlon Brando has yet to notice she has entered the bar. Rookie mistake. You can’t make these kinds of mistakes once you are at this level of play. I know the roar of the crowd can be distracting, but you have to put all that out of your head and really focus!

Steven: The judge from New Jersey looks pissed! Probably got some money riding on this!

Gary: Oh wait! Young Marlon Brando sees her finally…jumps out of his chair…nice….nice…pulls out a chair for her! Pulls out a chair for her! Nice recovery!

Steven: You don’t see that move very often anymore. Judges look pleased.

Gary: Yes, indeedy, they do. OK, now the cocktail waitress comes over and puts some napkins down on the table…

Steven: Don’t play with the napkin….

Gary: Oh! Young Marlon Brando played with the napkin! Dammit! The Russian judge is hanging his head in disgust. Referee blows the whistle and resets the cocktail napkin. Play starts again. Young Marlon Brando orders for La La!

Steven: Ooooo…classic blunder on a first date. That’s a third date play. You can tell he’s a rookie.

Gary: Yes…yes, you’re right Steven. He ordered her a Mai Tai. Points will be deducted for that. If he had done his homework, he would have known she is a wine drinker.

Steven: Only one move can counter this, does he know it?

Gary: He does! He does! He told an amusing joke. Young Marlon Brando is still in this! Steven why are you on the floor?

Steven: Ummmm…dropped my pencil?

Gary: Get up here. OK, the referee blows the whistle signaling the start of the small talk quarter.

Steven: Don’t talk about the weather….oh no…he talked about the weather!

Gary: Disgraceful. Meanwhile, La La gains huge points for running her finger seductively around the rim of her glass. The African judge had to change his penis gourd on that one.

Steven: So far, La La is in control of this playing field. It’s going to take a lot for Young Marlon Brando to come back. He needs to really move the chains…and by move the chains I mean take off those necklaces he is wearing.

Gary: And that’s the whistle. Half time. As La La heads to the restroom, let’s hear a word from our sponsor: Colt 45! Colt 45 for when the date will never end…buy her a Colt 45 and excuse yourself to the bathroom and jump out the window. Colt 45–now in 90 ounce cans.

Steven: Start of the second half, but La La hasn’t returned yet…Oh boy! Young Marlon Brando looks nervous. That will bring his points down.

Gary: Look, there she is! Great play, by La La! She scored points for taking a long time, and now her hair is down as well! Somebody called in an audible on that one!

Steven: Young Marlon Brando stands up as she comes to the table. Nice counter move. He has also ordered a red wine for her while she was in the bathroom. Another great move. Shows this rookie can learn from his mistakes. He may be able to pull this out after all…pun intended.

Gary: Try to keep in mind this airs at 9 o’clock and children may be watching.

Steven: OK, geesh! Young Marlon Brando hits her with some witty banter. And then some more. The judges like what they are hearing. Wait….wait…La La sneezed and Young Marlon Brando pulls out a package of travel size Kleenex! Oh my God! I have never seen a move like that before! Young Marlon Brando! Young Marlon Brando! The crowd goes wild!

Gary: The crowd is really on their feet! La La is smiling! Wait, wait…she is twirling her hair!

Steven: That’s a great sign! Young Marlon Brando is on his way to winning this! Look, La La is laughing! Young Marlon Brando takes the lead! He reaches into his sportcoat to put the Kleenex package back….wait, what was that? What just popped out of his pocket?

Gary: Oh no….

Steven: No, no, no. Is that what I think it is? Folks, a wedding ring just popped out of his pocket and landed on the table!

Gary: The referees are throwing flags right and left! Lead referee, Dennis Moscako calls the other referees over. They are huddling. I sense a heated discussion. Ok, I think we are going to get a ruling….Oh! Young Marlon Brando is disqualified! La La is still the undisputed champion! I repeat, La La is still the undisputed champion!

Steven: The referees are escorting Young Marlon Brando from the bar. He looks pissed, Gary!

Gary: I would be too. This is a no contest win for La La. Um, Steven please get off the floor–you’re not going to be able to see up her dress.

Steven: Sorry.

Gary: I’m Gary Breezy, and as always my color commentator, Steven Roboto…signing off from Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. Join us next week for the Lesbian/Straight Girl Drunk Kissing Challenge.

Steven: My personal favorite. I hope La La is in it.

Gary: It isn’t our highest rated show for nothing. Good night.

Reasons Men Exist

9 Aug

After 10 months of focused research, I have finally created a comprehensive list of the main reasons that men exist. Please let me know if I’ve left any out.


My results show that men exist to:

- Grill amazing things

- Remove bugs

- Zip up my dress

- Fasten my bracelet

- Check if food is too hot before I take a bite

- Find out what that sound was downstairs

- Remind me that I live in a land of make-believe

- Reach high places

- Hold *this* for a second while I look for/do *that*

- Make me laugh

- Pick which shoes I should wear after I’ve narrowed it down

- Fix the toilet

- Tell me when there’s something wrong with my car

- Teach me about something that I didn’t originally find interesting,
such as space or different types of screwdrivers

- Remind me that farts exist and that they are hilarious

- Accidentally say something stupid while trying to compliment me

- Remind me that so many other women are hotter than I am

- Fix my electronics

- Practice impregnating me

August 3, 2011

3 Aug

On August 3, 2011, Dane and I went to the beach and it was a lot of fucking fun (he hated it when I said ‘fuck’ because a “little lady in pearls shouldn’t have such a dirty little sailor mouth”).

Fuckity, fuck fuck fuck. I say it all the time now to see if he will come haunt-scold me just so we can hang out for a little bit. So far, I have had zero luck with this plan, but I do get to say ‘fuck’ a lot, so, I have that going for me.



One hour after I took this photo, we got in the water and a wave knocked me off my ass and took me down. Dane said I disappeared for a minute and when he saw me, I was rolling up the beach with seaweed in my hair and my boobs hanging out. Both of them. And what did he do? He pointed and laughed, drawing attention of other people who then all saw my heaving, washed-up bosom covered in sand. If ever there was a hearty laugh that came out of that man, it was on that day.

That night, we played Pirate themed mini golf and he said he “tried” letting me win because of the whole wave incident, but I was just that terrible at mini golf. Whatever, I was just having an off day. Afterward, we went out for dinner and drinks and I had the best scallops I have ever had in my life.

Then we got more drinks and I did the Carmen Electra Booty Shake for a group of people and then I danced to classic rock with old white trash guys while Dane laughed and then I had “just one more” and he ended up having to carry me to the car.

I guess I am telling you this because August 3, 2011 was the beginning of a great week with my best friend. It was certainly better than what I’m doing now, which is sitting on my couch with ice on my ankle because I fell under a streetlight while running last night and my shorts half fell off, revealing a single butt cheek, and then two guys laughed at me. I cried and limped myself a mile back to an empty house.

I must admit, there are few things after a good cry that are better than ice cream.

Anyway, that’s what I was doing a year ago. If you love someone, hug that person nice and tight and have a good weekend. (Dane, if you’re reading this, I don’t want to be haunt-scolded for saying ‘fuck’. You know ghosts terrify me. Miss you.)


things they want me to do in bed.

26 Jun

Not those things. These things:



Once upon a time, my friend and I went to the bar, got drunk and she spent the night. We went up to my room and she watched me do my evening routine (above).


K: This is the least sexy thing I have ever watched.

Me: What? They say to use the Biofreeze and dog bone for my neck, the cast thing to keep my arm straight while I sleep, the sock thing goes under it and the green band so my hair doesn’t get in my face and make me break out.


Then I went and looked in the mirror and I was not hot at all, so I did a dance.

K: It’s still not sexy.

Me (air humping): Boys love it.

K: When’s the last time a boy saw your room?

Me (still dancing): 2011.

K: We are going to fix this, and when we do, no Biofreeze.

Me (doing some form of dougie): I know, I’ve already learned that lesson.

K: Poor guy.

Me (still douging): Poor me too! Don’t worry though, a hero will soon save me from sexual deprivation, I feel him coming.

K: Hah, coming.

Me (more douging): Come, let’s dougie.


And so we did, at 3 am, to no music.

Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun


I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.


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