I have a special treat for you today. As you may know, I went on a date yesterday afternoon with Young Marlon Brando. I have invited my humorous man friend Chris De Voss to present you with a detailed play-by-play of the event. Sigh. Enjoy….
Gary: Welcome to Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. I’m your host, Gary Breezy, and as always my ever excited co-host Steven Roboto…
Steven: I’m really excited for today’s match up! I hope he gets in her pants. Hell, I hope I get in her pants!
Gary: Easy…easy! Let’s meet today’s competitors. We have returning 6 time champion La La…and her competitor, making his first appearance in our arena…rookie, Young Marlon Brando!
Steven: La La is looking rather provocative in her long sleeve button up blouse and long black skirt below the knees, smart pearl necklace, and pulled back hair.
Gary: Um…how is that provocative? I think you mean conservative.
Steven: No, no. I know what I meant. She’s not wearing a trench coat, now is she? You can practically see her shins.
Gary: Ok, whatever. How about Young Marlon Brando?
Steven: Young Marlon Brando is playing it cool. He is sporting ball-hugging jeans, open collared button down oxford…pink…nice! And a sport coat. The gel caked in his hair is a nice touch.
Gary: The players are in position. Our judges this evening are Erik Dostrovy from former Soviet Russia, Click Click Clack, from some bush tribe in Africa, and the American, Eddie the Rabbit from New Jersey. The referee blows the whistle and we are under way. Should be a great match!
Steven: I wonder if she is wearing panties?
Gary: Steven! Easy! La La strolls into the bar and flashes that trademark smile of hers. Classic, classic opening move for her.
Steven: I see the judges awarded her points for that. They probably would have awarded more if we knew whether she was wearing panties.
Gary: Why don’t you get yourself some ice-cold water…alright buddy? Maybe put it in your pants. Young Marlon Brando has yet to notice she has entered the bar. Rookie mistake. You can’t make these kinds of mistakes once you are at this level of play. I know the roar of the crowd can be distracting, but you have to put all that out of your head and really focus!
Steven: The judge from New Jersey looks pissed! Probably got some money riding on this!
Gary: Oh wait! Young Marlon Brando sees her finally…jumps out of his chair…nice….nice…pulls out a chair for her! Pulls out a chair for her! Nice recovery!
Steven: You don’t see that move very often anymore. Judges look pleased.
Gary: Yes, indeedy, they do. OK, now the cocktail waitress comes over and puts some napkins down on the table…
Steven: Don’t play with the napkin….
Gary: Oh! Young Marlon Brando played with the napkin! Dammit! The Russian judge is hanging his head in disgust. Referee blows the whistle and resets the cocktail napkin. Play starts again. Young Marlon Brando orders for La La!
Steven: Ooooo…classic blunder on a first date. That’s a third date play. You can tell he’s a rookie.
Gary: Yes…yes, you’re right Steven. He ordered her a Mai Tai. Points will be deducted for that. If he had done his homework, he would have known she is a wine drinker.
Steven: Only one move can counter this, does he know it?
Gary: He does! He does! He told an amusing joke. Young Marlon Brando is still in this! Steven why are you on the floor?
Steven: Ummmm…dropped my pencil?
Gary: Get up here. OK, the referee blows the whistle signaling the start of the small talk quarter.
Steven: Don’t talk about the weather….oh no…he talked about the weather!
Gary: Disgraceful. Meanwhile, La La gains huge points for running her finger seductively around the rim of her glass. The African judge had to change his penis gourd on that one.
Steven: So far, La La is in control of this playing field. It’s going to take a lot for Young Marlon Brando to come back. He needs to really move the chains…and by move the chains I mean take off those necklaces he is wearing.
Gary: And that’s the whistle. Half time. As La La heads to the restroom, let’s hear a word from our sponsor: Colt 45! Colt 45 for when the date will never end…buy her a Colt 45 and excuse yourself to the bathroom and jump out the window. Colt 45–now in 90 ounce cans.
Steven: Start of the second half, but La La hasn’t returned yet…Oh boy! Young Marlon Brando looks nervous. That will bring his points down.
Gary: Look, there she is! Great play, by La La! She scored points for taking a long time, and now her hair is down as well! Somebody called in an audible on that one!
Steven: Young Marlon Brando stands up as she comes to the table. Nice counter move. He has also ordered a red wine for her while she was in the bathroom. Another great move. Shows this rookie can learn from his mistakes. He may be able to pull this out after all…pun intended.
Gary: Try to keep in mind this airs at 9 o’clock and children may be watching.
Steven: OK, geesh! Young Marlon Brando hits her with some witty banter. And then some more. The judges like what they are hearing. Wait….wait…La La sneezed and Young Marlon Brando pulls out a package of travel size Kleenex! Oh my God! I have never seen a move like that before! Young Marlon Brando! Young Marlon Brando! The crowd goes wild!
Gary: The crowd is really on their feet! La La is smiling! Wait, wait…she is twirling her hair!
Steven: That’s a great sign! Young Marlon Brando is on his way to winning this! Look, La La is laughing! Young Marlon Brando takes the lead! He reaches into his sportcoat to put the Kleenex package back….wait, what was that? What just popped out of his pocket?
Gary: Oh no….
Steven: No, no, no. Is that what I think it is? Folks, a wedding ring just popped out of his pocket and landed on the table!
Gary: The referees are throwing flags right and left! Lead referee, Dennis Moscako calls the other referees over. They are huddling. I sense a heated discussion. Ok, I think we are going to get a ruling….Oh! Young Marlon Brando is disqualified! La La is still the undisputed champion! I repeat, La La is still the undisputed champion!
Steven: The referees are escorting Young Marlon Brando from the bar. He looks pissed, Gary!
Gary: I would be too. This is a no contest win for La La. Um, Steven please get off the floor–you’re not going to be able to see up her dress.
Gary: I’m Gary Breezy, and as always my color commentator, Steven Roboto…signing off from Speed Channel’s 15th Annual Dating Classic. Join us next week for the Lesbian/Straight Girl Drunk Kissing Challenge.
Steven: My personal favorite. I hope La La is in it.
Gary: It isn’t our highest rated show for nothing. Good night.