Dear Vodka,
After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.
We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.
You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.
Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).
Don't judge me. You've been here, too.
I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.
Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.
I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.
Yours Truly,
Lauren Ann
Reblogged this on kylemew.com and commented:
funny, sweet, clever and just plain brilliant
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this is so clever and funny, love the opening and closing lines in particular, love the whole concept – reblogged – thank you
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Wow, thank you, Kyle. I’m flattered.
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An all too familiar story….I loved it like a family member only more because I really know it, although I have not yet eaten a dog treat. (as far as I am aware of!) Adieu vodka, gin, white wine…..
Bisous,
Dawn
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Red wine it is! 😉
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Yay!!! (:
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love it I wanted to share but fartbook is being an arse and not playing so will have to resort to old fashioned copy and paste link. thankyou Kyle for reblogging
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Aw thank you, you’re very kind!
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Damn those Russians and their ability to create the most amazing alcohol ever. Sadly, I’ve become a victim of the love/hate relationship of vodka. It has used me, abused me and never called back after a night of fun. Instead I’m left with an irritating migraine that makes me want to feed my head through a paper shredder. Still, I could never give up vodka. Its the only alcohol I can literally drink anything with or drink straight from the bottle like a baby on a mother’s tit. Good luck on cutting cold turkey. You’re a classy girl indeed.
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Thank you. I’ll be back, I’m sure. You should sell a glittery vodka. It could be poured on people. They would like that. Or maybe that’s just me.
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Rainbow Glitter Vodka. The gays will praise us, and we’ll be filthy dirty rich. Gaga and Ke$ha will promote it in their music. We’ll RULE THE WORLD!
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Hilarious! I should have written a dead Jack (Daniels) letter.
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Do it!
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NOOO! You can’t break up with Vod. Why he has been the best boyfriend I ever had. He is where I leave him. He doesn’t screw women on my red velvet couch. He is there where I want him so I don’t have to talk to his voicemail. He matches every outfit I wear. He is cheaper than most guys I dated. He always makes me feel better. He gives me liquid courage to call out the Jackbags that treat me like Shait. Maybe you just need to switch brands?
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I will drink it when we perform, obviously. And maybe every day before and after that.
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PS – I have a red couch, too. I appreciate the lack of stains he leaves. WINK.
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I am a whiskey girl… but same deal. I’ve given my number to worse. *shame*
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Whiskey! Well done. I’d love to hear some of those stories.
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Breaking up is hard to do, but it sounds like you made the right decision. For now, at least.
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Haha for now, indeed. Thanks for stopping by!
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You are so funny! I love you!
umm… no I just mean
don’t avoid looking at me now
I read this and I thought that
I don’t LOVE love you
I just meant..
well, you are me 20 years ago and I was a complete idiot but idiots have the best stories!
I’m hooked!
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I love you, too. I have so many questions for you, me 20 years from now. So many.
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uh yeah, we have some talking to do. Just fyi, your drinking behavior doesn’t improve much in the next 20 years
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Hahaha, crap. Well, hopefully I can at least find a nice man to appreciate it.
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I am completely in love with Vodka. I have tried and tried to break up with him, but he makes me feel so complete…brave, beautiful, exciting…and yet, when he is puked out of my system, I abhor myself….
I love this!! Good article!!
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Thank you, Bird! Sounds like we would have a good night out.
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You know we would!!! I just love to go out with Vodka’s other women!! 🙂 Wished you were here!
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PB&J vodka?? (mmph!) So, based on this entry, I’m assuming you would not be too inclined to know how my oatmeal infused vodka turns out that I pulled from Boozed & Infused the other day LINKED HERE—-> http://bit.ly/HyUBp2.
What I’m a little curious about is what your phone’s photo bucket showed of the night. Worse or better than you don’t remember?
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I am curious…I’d probably give it a sip. Sips are allowed.
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Seems like a smart move. And not a minute too soon. Otherwise you might wake up and find “and pain” tattooed on your neck, thereby making you and Mr. Pleasure a match set.
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Oh my god, Carrie, you’re right. I would spend the rest of my life in turtlenecks.
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Loved it:)
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Oh vodka… found hiding, straight in jelly jars, in housewives cupboards across the nation.
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This is so funny! I think I spent most of my twenties in this very same relationship. Well done 🙂
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Oh thank god…there’s hope! You’re the best.
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I think i need to break up with red wine 😉 Loved this
xx Kel
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Thanks, Kel!
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La la, this is the best breakup letter ever. I had to part ways with Vodka too. However, I find Rum to be a much better friend to me than Vodka ever was. Maybe it’s the Tropical versus the Siberian? 🙂
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Haha, you make a fine point! It’s 80 degrees at 11:30…something tropical sounds nice right about now.
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I have been there – but more with tequila or Long Island Iced tea. I just hope the dog treat wasn’t a Beggin’ Strip! 😉
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Break-ups are hard….
And by the way, what kind of rat bastard would ever break up with YOU? And a week before Christmas?
Was he blind as well as stupid and impotent?
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Why thank you, darling. The one before him was, too. I must have a thing for blind, stupid, impotent men.
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yeah riiiiight. you’ll be back. x sex. you and your empty promises.
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btw I might be writing an attempt or warning to whiskey bc of your juicy inspirings.
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ugh you’re right. you should write it!! i’m serious. whiskey is my fightin’ drink.
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we’ll see what transpires this weekend… (; might have to smack a bitch.
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Well now, I just absolutely loved this piece…and empathize completely (my partner in crime,however, is a smooth talker named johnny walker)…
Looking forward to reading more of your stuff…
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http://birdmartin.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/ive-been-nominated-for-the-versatile-blogger-award-green-this-time/
I nominated you for this cute little award. I hope you play…I think the world really needs to read your Vodka love story!!
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I, too, broke up with vodka but found another lover in Captain….sigh. He makes me do even stupider things but is always there for me. So is my friend wine…hey. i sense a pattern here.
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Captain makes me forget things. Wine makes me horny and I get beer tears…perhaps I also sense a pattern 😉
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I know it’s just been a few days since the breakup, but have you stayed strong or have you run back to good ol’ vodka? I know I am a huge liar when I say, “Oh, I’m not going to drink (fill in the blank) ever again…”
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Funny you should ask…..haha. having some right now.
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If I could “like” that I would!
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This is a noble attempt at preempting the “Dear John Letter” from your liver. The problem though is once you dump vodka, all of vodka’s friends start hitting on you. After a few months of playing the field you realize that mixing all of this strange may be worse than the monogamy that almost ruined you. (not that I know from personal experience or anything) Great post!
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You are so right. I wish you had commented on this the day I wrote it. It would have saved me some trouble!
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hindsight is 20-20-20-20 (that is like seeing double right?)
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Reblogged this on Someone Fat Happened and commented:
While I am away, please read one of my favorite posts by one of my favorite bloggettes! Thanks LaLa, even though you didn’t know I was doing this. xo
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