Falcon’s Concealed Weapon

17 Jul

I will have a funny story for you on Thursday about a penis. Until then, I bring news about a man who was frisked at the airport when a security guard “felt threatened” by a noticeable package in Jonah’s pants. It turns out that it was just Jonah’s 9-inch penis, which is 13.5 inches when erect, and on record as the world’s largest ween.


Of all the penes in the world, mine is the largest. Shh, don’t be frightened.


I imagine that having a peen longer than a wine bottle (and almost as thick) is a curse, no? Men, is that something you would actually want? I imagine it would get in the way and be a pain in the ass–pun absolutely intended.

You couldn’t pay me to do it with that guy. Well, maybe you could, it depends how much. Just kidding. Kind of. Why am I even thinking about this? It’s 10:15 in the morning and I need to get back to work. This is all I am going to think about today. Thanks, Jonah.

39 Responses to “Falcon’s Concealed Weapon”

  1. Christopher De Voss July 17, 2012 at 10:44 am #

    Second time today, I have heard about this man’s penis. I can’t get away from it.

    I don’t know if I would want something that big myself, but I think the bigger pain would be everyone wanting to prove your girth.

    Although I bet I could win a lot of bar tabs with it.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 11:29 am #

      I bet you could win a lot of bar tabs. I would have to go out with you and be “that person” who yells, “This guy over here says his dick is the largest in the world!!” so someone would say, “Prove it!” and then you could cover my drinks for the evening, too.


  2. gingerfightback July 17, 2012 at 10:45 am #

    Nobody likes a bighead…


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 11:15 am #

      I was so hoping this would get a couple jokes, thank you! 😉


  3. clownonfire July 17, 2012 at 10:47 am #

    La La,
    With piercing blue eyes like his, who needs a 9-inch penis.
    Le Clown


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 10:56 am #

      Le Clown,

      I concur.

      La La


  4. Bob July 17, 2012 at 11:00 am #

    Only one word for this story. YIKES!


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 11:14 am #

      Haha, I completely agree, Bob!


  5. Madame Weebles July 17, 2012 at 11:53 am #

    My first thought when I saw this guy’s picture was “Gee, it’s too bad he’s not that good looking.” (He doesn’t do it for me.) Then I read the part about what he’s packing, and I thought, “WOOOFF!” But then I thought, “OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW.” The end.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:36 pm #

      OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW OW is right, my friend.


  6. Carolina Courtland July 17, 2012 at 11:56 am #

    He’d be a perfect fit for Octomom.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 12:03 pm #

      Well played, my sassy friend. They should meet sometime.


  7. Kyle July 17, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    i once met a woman who refused to have sex with me unless i had a twelve inch penis – i told her that she was beautiful and that i’d love to sleep with her but that i wasn’t going to cut any off for her


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 12:58 pm #

      Hey-oooo. Here I thought the man who always talked about having a tiny one actually had a tiny one.


      • Kyle July 17, 2012 at 1:00 pm #

        its so crude to brag about having a big one


        • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:02 pm #

          Might as well surprise ’em!


          • Kyle July 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

            its not about the size la la, its about the appreciation of what pleasure you can give


        • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:24 pm #

          I think I’m the one who told you that 😉


  8. Simon July 17, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    I wonder what he will be for Halloween this year? Yeah probably a roll of wrapping paper again.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

      hahaha, he must be fed up having to do the saaaame old costume every year.


  9. Carrie Rubin July 17, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    The smirk on his face says it all. I’m sure he’s really upset that this “asset” of his has gone viral. Men do like their toys.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

      Gosh, he really must be so torn up about it. I feel for him. 😉


  10. Simon July 17, 2012 at 1:17 pm #

    if the “you know what they say” thing is true, I bet he has a hard time finding shoes.


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

      Woah…..now I am curious.


  11. Simon July 17, 2012 at 1:20 pm #

    I bet he is glad Umbros aren’t still in style


    • La La July 17, 2012 at 1:23 pm #

      Don’t bring up umbros, he’s sensitive about it.


  12. Simon July 17, 2012 at 1:30 pm #

    just saying if I was that guy, I would get a real Falcon and teach it to perch on my falcon jr. ok, I will stop.


  13. sweetmother July 17, 2012 at 2:29 pm #

    this is amazing, on so many levels. good god. talk about packing well. tee, he. couldn’t help myself.


  14. Frivolous Monsters July 18, 2012 at 9:35 am #

    I like how you’re holding the big exclusive penis story over until Thursday. I would go off on one, asking what the hell is it women want, but I imagine now you’re working on some sort of bell curve…

    I‘ll leave you with the punch line to the joke of the woman in the sex shop: “No, you can’t have that one, that’s my thermos flask!”


  15. Kathy V. July 19, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    And now I’m going to be thinking about the mechanics of ginormous dongs all day. Thanks, La!


    • La La July 19, 2012 at 1:06 pm #

      de nada!


  16. ladymiryaa July 20, 2012 at 12:45 am #

    This just seals my decision to sleep with women. Seriously.


    • La La July 20, 2012 at 10:37 am #

      Let’s just do that already.


  17. paulaacton July 20, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    Am just wondering if it is fully functioning all the blood required when he gets excited would he faint?


  18. Kourtney Heintz July 21, 2012 at 9:39 pm #

    What did he think was in there? And where was the body scanner when you needed it?


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