Boys Mostly

27 Jul

I found my diary from when I was 12-17 years old. I have to say that I enjoyed reading every embarrassing (sometimes heartbreaking) moment. I also enjoyed my young teen angst poetry (yikes).

My favorite part of the diary was at the beginning, when I had a wicked crush on Jeff Goldblum (click to enlarge photos).

A few days after that second entry, I wrote Jeff Goldblum a letter because he didn’t respond to my email. My mom always said, “He’s too old for you!” so I had to hide the fact that I was sending a letter. The day I sent it, I called the post office to ask how many stamps a letter needed to get to California and I was very nervous my dad was going to notice one of his stamps missing, so I said a prayer. When I “went outside to ride my bike” that morning, I sprinted to the mailbox and triumphantly put up the flag. I was so excited and nervous about what Jeff Goldblum’s response would be. I am not positive as to the exact wording of what went out in the final letter, but I know it was something like this pervy draft I found:


Dear Mr. Goldblum,

My name is Lauren and I am 12 years old (13 on October 1st)! I like all your movies and watched Jurassic Park again today, actually. I have seen it 15 times.

I thought you were funny on Saturday Night Live, my favorite was your skit with Mary Katherine Gallagher when she is a Catholic schoolgirl and you are her teacher and you dance together to “Last Dance.” Just like Mary Katherine Gallagher, I wear a Catholic school uniform at school and I would like you to be my teacher and dance with me like that, too. I would lick you head to toe like she did because I think you are a very attractive man! It was funny in the skit. I hope that was not too forward of me to say.

I know I am only 12 and you are 44, but I promise I am mature for my age.

Anyway, I hope to hear from you. My address is on the second page.




I remember putting my school photo in the envelope and truly believing that he was going to adore me. Needless to say, Jeff Goldblum never wrote me back.

47 Responses to “Boys Mostly”

  1. Madame Weebles July 27, 2012 at 11:51 am #

    Are you the cutest??? I think so.

    Also, seeing your post reminds me I’ll be emailing you shortly.


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 11:55 am #

      Did he contact you? Is he finally coming around?


      • Madame Weebles July 27, 2012 at 11:56 am #

        Let’s just say you should expect a visitor tomorrow night.


  2. Frivolous Monsters July 27, 2012 at 12:10 pm #

    Always with the parents putting a dampener on your hopes and dreams with the “He’s too old for you!” You were certainly optimistic with the 12-44 thing and it’s probably for the best he never wrote back…

    Still it could be like that Ringo episode of the Simpsons and with all his fan mail he’s just getting around to yours now… Are you still up for a sixty year old?


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

      Quite the optimist….still am. Well I know he dates women 30 years younger than he is, so if he comes a-knockin’ I might as well answer and make that 12 year old girl proud. 🙂


      • Frivolous Monsters July 27, 2012 at 12:35 pm #

        A few years before you I similarly had a massive crush on Uma Thurman, after seeing her in Dangerous Liaisons, but I drew a line through that one several years ago now as she’s got old and has yellow hair. I have wondered that if she did throw herself at me (it’s possible, no?) that maybe I could go through with it for the sake of, as you say, that younger wide-eyed person.


        • La La July 27, 2012 at 12:50 pm #

          Exactly. Glad I am not alone on that thought! (and love that she was your crush).


  3. Sword-chinned bitch July 27, 2012 at 12:13 pm #

    Like Mme. Weebles said — cute! Thanks for posting! I like that you had a crush on someone like Jeff Goldblum, not your standard teenaged dream, plus old! I always had crushes on unlikely guys — Frankenstein’s Monster for one.


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 12:20 pm #

      Haha that’s so cute! I wonder what drove these crushes.


    • Bob July 27, 2012 at 5:01 pm #

      Frankenstein’s monster was just misunderstood, and clearly he had a very diverse background to pull from. A little from here and a little from there.


      • Sword-chinned bitch July 27, 2012 at 8:13 pm #

        That’s what drew me to him, the fact that he was misunderstood — he was really a very sympathetic character. And if I might say so myself, quite handsome. I never thought about his diverse background, but that may be that mystery element that was so compelling.


  4. Susan July 27, 2012 at 12:45 pm #

    Haha, I love this one. I cannot lie, most times even today when I see Jeff Goldblum I think of you and remember how in love with him you were 🙂


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 12:49 pm #

      The fact that you remember that says a lot hahaha.


  5. Carrie Rubin July 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

    And thank goodness he didn’t. He might have been in a bit of trouble if he had. But really, I’m still trying to get over the fact that you were able to email your celebrity crush. When I wanted to contact my true love Parker Stevenson, it was through snail mail or nothing.


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 1:13 pm #

      That is SO CUTE! I love it.


      • Carrie Rubin July 27, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

        Too bad Parker didn’t.


        • Maggie O'C July 27, 2012 at 5:06 pm #

          Shawn Cassidy never wrote me back either. Loser Hardy Boys.


  6. gingerfightback July 27, 2012 at 1:14 pm #

    Up to this point I liked Jeff Goldblum – now i realise he is a complete and utter Bastard!


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 1:15 pm #

      You should write him a complaint letter!! 😉


  7. Stephanie July 27, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

    Ah, to live in your head! Thank you for that breath of fresh air on this muggy day!


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 2:54 pm #

      You’re most welcome. I miss you!


  8. Christopher De Voss July 27, 2012 at 3:41 pm #

    FYI: Jeff Goldblum turned into a giant Fly and ate people in The Fly. Be careful, it’s based on a true story I think.


  9. Elliot July 27, 2012 at 3:50 pm #

    That is cute. I hope you had not seen the Fly by this point.


  10. Carolina Courtland July 27, 2012 at 4:08 pm #

    That’s the kind of fan letter that made Goldblum break into a cold sweat.

    However, NOW you’re the right age for him.


  11. Bob July 27, 2012 at 4:59 pm #

    Wow, if that does not put a date stamp on you then nothing will. Ballsy though, I don’t know if I have the guts to put up my teenage writings on the web for fear of being stoned to death.

    Still it’s cute to see some innocence, most teenage girls these days would do a great deal more than just write their paramour. First of all how many of them even know how to send a letter?

    Love your writing La La.
    Keep up the great works.



  12. Maggie O'C July 27, 2012 at 5:08 pm #

    I love how your 12-year-old attempted seduction (Lolita backwards) is being labeled “cute” by so many people.

    Oh Mr. Goldberg, I’m wearing my Catholic School Girl uniform and want to lick you all over. hahahaha, yeah that’s darling.

    I can’t stop laughing.


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

      I know, I was waiting for you to point that out! Haha!


      • Maggie O'C July 27, 2012 at 5:22 pm #

        I need to send you some copies of my diaries b/c we sound exactly the same. All of my entries were about boys.


    • Madame Weebles July 27, 2012 at 7:56 pm #

      It may have been wildly inappropriate but you have to admit, it was still cute!


  13. westwickletimes July 27, 2012 at 7:48 pm #

    I love the way the bit about wanting to lick him all over is just thrown in there and then casually passed over. Were you very upset when the erroneous reports of his death from falling off a cliff emerged ?
    I developed a crush on Emma Thompson after seeing the sex scene in the ‘Tall Guy’ when I was younger. We were probably both wishing we were the other person in that scene around the same time.


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 8:01 pm #

      We were absolutely doing that, there is no doubt in my mind! We’re connected by crush.

      I didn’t hear that rumor by the way, but if I had, there would have surely been a sanctuary haha.


  14. clownonfire July 27, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    La La,
    Wasn’t Jeff Goldblum that guy who played in Annie Hall?
    Le Clown


    • La La July 27, 2012 at 8:40 pm #

      Yes sir!


  15. calahan July 27, 2012 at 10:58 pm #

    Did you actually have his address? Please, tell me you addressed it:

    Jeff Goldblum
    His House He Lives In
    Movie Making Town, USA


    • La La July 28, 2012 at 8:38 am #

      Is that not his address? No wonder he never got it!


  16. Lori DiNardi July 28, 2012 at 8:38 am #

    Oh boy, I’m wayyy too much of an analyzer to read your diary. The letter was enough, so I better not click on the photos. Started out as a psychology major but gave it up, was analyzing myself too much. 😛


    • La La July 28, 2012 at 8:40 am #

      Absolutely best you not read it then 😉


      • Lori DiNardi July 28, 2012 at 9:42 am #

        Hey There, I analyzed my response and thought it might not have come across the way I meant it. 😛 I did enjoy reading this funny post and thought that I was the only one who used to think there was something attractive about Jeff Goldblum.


  17. wolfinwool July 28, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Wow. Your childhood crush just steamed up my computer monitor.


    • La La July 28, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

      Hahaha, yeah he did!


  18. Chris Biscuits July 28, 2012 at 6:02 pm #

    Hello, I’m a newcomer to your shores, but this was too sweet not to comment on.

    I love how many boys names you crossed out before you got to Sam, and only three months later it was Sam and only Sam. What became of Sam? Did you write him some poetry?

    As for the letter, it’s very sweet, unless you knew at twelve how sexual dressing up as a schoolgirl and licking him is, but as you watched his films fifteen times to impress him I’m sure it was innocent. If I’d been called, so courteously ‘a very attractive man’ I would certainly have written back, that’s basic politeness. How dare he crush your dreams! Sounds like he’s not good enough for you. You’re better off without him.


    • La La July 28, 2012 at 7:39 pm #

      I think I knew it was somewhat naughty, but I thank you for not jumping to conclusions. 😉

      What happened to Sam? Well, I never wrote him poetry. We “dated” in the 8th grade and stayed friends after graduation. I haven’t seen him in a few years, but he appears to be doing well (on Facebook anyway).

      Thanks for stopping by!


  19. Pigeon Heart July 28, 2012 at 6:21 pm #



  20. Simon July 30, 2012 at 1:08 pm #

    This is pretty awesome. I never got up the urge to write a letter but I did trade a Dale Murphy (my favorite player) baseball card for a poster of Alyssa Milano. Who’s the Boss wasn’t even that funny but I never missed an episode.


    • La La July 30, 2012 at 1:10 pm #

      And hey, she’s still easy on the eyes, how convenient.


  21. becca3416 July 30, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    This made my day. I wrote JUST like this in my diary. I recently threw it away in a mass memory swipe, but I will never forget the feelings I have for Patrick Swayze. Did I say have? I definitely meant had… that bastard just had to go and die on me.


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