The following haiku was inspired on a recent flight when the woman sitting next to me gave the flight attendant the finger:
Stay Wild
ripped jeans, snake-skin heels,
rocking that Joan Jett mullet.
doesn’t. give. a. fuck.
And now I shall present my SkyMall favorites from this particular trip (it changes every time):
From the creators of vajazzles and pejazzles, BootDazzles!…but this time with feathers.
Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.
Finally, my favorite of all the SkyMall gems–Hiccup Stick. It’s a stick. For hiccups.
OR just hold your breath.
Here is a video of testimonials for Hiccup Stick. Ladies and gentleman, I invite you to please keep in mind that it is a friggin’ STICK.
So what you’re saying is that I could go into my backyard RIGHT NOW and collect some sticks and sell each for $6.99 because of the hiccups? You’re joking. I’m wasting my life here, trying to make something of myself. Screw writing. Hiccup Stick, I am your new competitor. People, I will hunt you if you choose Hiccup Stick over my stick. I will sell my personal stick to you for one dollar cheaper, deliver it in my bathing suit to your front door and if you’re hot, for $4.00 extra I will give you a kiss on the cheek. Bonus feature? My stick was created by THE LORD GOD OUR SAVIOR. Just imagine, the Holy Trinity up in your mouth, helping you get rid of the hiccups.
I accept all major credit cards. Buy NOW.
It’s a stick! And to make it more complicated, you have to drink water through it! I’ll sell you a brick that you put in your mouth and have to spoon jello through to cure balding. And I’ll sell it to you while wearing La La’s bathing suit to boot!
LikeLike
I will try to find one of my old bathing suits for you….
LikeLike
Two piece please.
LikeLike
We’re going to be millionaires.
LikeLike
Chris and La La’s hiccup and balding kit.
LikeLike
Yeah LaLa, but you get 3! 3 sticks for 19.99! ( plus tax and shipping of course). I have to say thank you for making the item code SO clear that I can order them right away!
LikeLike
1 stick is all you’ll never need. I swear!
LikeLike
but I need one for traveling, maybe guests, I don’t know. I may have to do some survey to cover all my bases on the exact number necessary. I haven’t had hiccups in years but I don’t want to be caught off guard man!
LikeLike
I am convinced that the merchandise in Skymall is as bizarre as it is to distract people from realizing they are 10,000 feet from the ground.
LikeLike
Once I’m above 30,000 feet you best be showing me ridiculous stuff. Good call.
LikeLike
Bootdazzles and hiccup sticks….my life is complete. Could you please deliver the hiccup stick that God made to my door, while wearing a bathing suit. I have cold hard cash and will pay extra for the cheek kiss. Bonus: you can walk to my house!
LikeLike
I will be there around 7. Need some whiskey before walking in my bathing suit to your house. $5.00 more and I’ll remember your Marilyn dress.
LikeLike
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
LikeLike
Great work!
LikeLike
“Here’s a little something for all those folks planning to be alone for the rest of their lives.”—Thank you. I needed that laugh.
And as for the woman who flipped off the flight attendant? Real classy. Then again, what does one expect from a mullet head?
LikeLike
Exactly. She was mad she couldn’t get another coffee. Who knows what she does when she’s actually mad!
LikeLike
“Holy Trinity up in your mouth!” I’m going to go back to church for just one Sunday to say that to someone.
LikeLike
Do it, and please tape it!
LikeLike
Everything made me laugh here. This is one crazy post. Great haiku, Christmas present ideas, and the image of you and Chris roaming the streets in your bikinis with your hiccup sticks. Now all you need are handy carrying tubes (yeah, I watched the entire commercial).
LikeLike
Hopefully you didn’t read this before bed and have a dream along those lines haha.
LikeLike
On my way to your house Maddie. Be warned, La La’s bathing suit doesn’t fit me properly.
LikeLike
I was hoping it wouldn’t!
LikeLike
hahahaha
LikeLike
What the hell?! You don’t get to buy shoes on European flights…
LikeLike
Girlfriend, come visit me in Florida and we’ll get you some bootdazzles!
LikeLike
That’s a deal.
LikeLike
Only in America – just started watching The Wire – do you really live there? I suspect a hiccup stick wouldn’t deter Omar et al.
LikeLike
Yes. If only Omar et al. came up with the hiccup stick and bootdazzles. Baltimore would then have much less crime and HBO would have a much different show.
LikeLike
You should run for Mayor – you’d get my vote – rope that dodgy boss of yours in as well – what a ticket!
LikeLike
I think they’re banking on the fact that if people are bored enough, they’ll buy anything. I’m pretty sure the only stick that stops hiccups instantly is called a gun and that is guaranteed effective.
LikeLike
Depending on the length of a flight, perhaps I would buy anything. Good point.
LikeLike
And the Lord God smote thee sinners with yon hiccups. Not once, not twice, but thrice. And the Lord our Lord spaketh unto me, saying, ‘Sonny Jim, I giveth the sinners hiccups so therefore so to let LaLa make a boot load of cash. Shh! Don’t telleth anyone.’ And so I did maketh the call to famed merchant LaLa and yea, verily, the long stick thing arriveth and cureth me. Praiseth the Lord! And then I went on a flight just to buy frilly undies.
LikeLike
Thus, David Harding took a plane and bought frilly undies to his heart’s desire. God saw all that he had made, and it was good.
LikeLike
If you ever saw me in my frilly undies you’d call it good too. Uh huh, yeah.
LikeLike
Here’s hoping they’re hot pink!
LikeLike
You gotta love the drama and good acting on those videos.
Those boots….
LikeLike
hahahahahaha! I think you should show up in your bathing suit AND the bootdazzles. THERE’S you ticket sister!!! LOVE JOAN JETT MULLETS!!
LikeLike
Oh my god, bathing suit and bootdazzles is genius. This might be a new beach style!
LikeLike
Ankle boots make my legs look like midget stumps. Of course, now my midget stumps could be all feathered and fancy.
LikeLike
Hahaha I’m cracking up!
LikeLike
La La, I think you have a shot at this! Maybe you can just use old popsicle sticks. No one will know the difference.
LikeLike
I like your thinking….but I don’t eat enough popsicles, but I have a popsicle party, I’ll be golden!
LikeLike
LMAO on your caption of the “Squirrel Whisperer”! Who needs a hiccup stick when a good SCARE is all one needs … and it’s free!
LikeLike
EXACTLY. I can also be hired to scare people.
LikeLike
BAHAHAHA! I’m really jealous that those items weren’t in the SkyMall magazine I had. They’re just mixing it up with all sorts of crazy shit.
LikeLike
Holiday edition, sister. I’m telling you.
LikeLike
The HOly Trinity up in your mouth… that’s got to be the best marketing slogan I’ve ever heard.
LikeLike
The nanotechnology involved in the hiccup stick is almost unreal. Hello, Future! We are here!
LikeLike
Pretty sure I love SkyMall
LikeLike