Archive | May, 2013

La La’s Relationship Advice Column

22 May

Yesterday on Facebook I asked for people to submit questions to me about relationships. I’ve always secretly wanted an advice column in the newspaper and I thought this would give me a chance to try it out.

I am splitting this up into two posts, so don’t fret if your question is not answered below.

Here we go.

 

1. Why do I always have to brush my teeth before kissing my wife? 

Here’s the deal. Boys are stinky pretty much all the time and we women have to deal with it and that’s okay because we love you. So you’re walkin’ around stinkin’ it up like Pig-Pen from Charlie Brown while us gals smell like beautifulness and angel nectar because we never poop or sweat. It’s true, we don’t do either of those things. So, you have to brush your teeth before you kiss your wife because she has to smell your putridness all the time–should she really have to taste it, too?

 

2. Does the carpet always match the drapes?

When you think about it, if the carpet always matched the drapes, most women would have bald heads or mohawks. Some women would have pubic highlights that would end up looking like stripes. If this were the 70’s, we would all have afros. Actually, that would be really funny. So, in conclusion, the answer is no, the carpet doesn’t always match the drapes, but it would be funny if this were the 70’s and we all had afros. Haha, and oh my god, “disco balls” would play and active role in my sexual vocabulary.

 

3. Is it sweet or perverted that my husband signs his notes and cards to me: “Your Love Muscle”….

WELL, if nothing else, he’s a sneaky wordsmith because we don’t know if he’s referring to his heart or his penis. Very clever indeed, good sir. Is he a husband in love or a husband in lust? We’ll never know for certain, but I’m going to say it’s probably both and that he’s a sweet pervert, just to keep you on your toes.

 

4. My boyfriend doesn’t want to get busy as much as I do. He thinks a dozen or so times a week is fine, but that’s barely enough to get my motor running. What’s the best way to get him to perform his boyfriendly duties to my satisfaction?

I recently faced this same issue. My suggestion is that you dress up as things that guys like–perhaps a food item like chips, for example. Guys love chips. I personally chose to take a bath in whiskey and dress up as football running back Marshawn Lynch and this nearly tripled my weekly sexy time encounters. I yelled, “touchdown!” at the good part, too. He liked that.

 

5. How do I get my boyfriend to propose to me? We’ve talked about it and he says he has a plan, but it hasn’t happened yet!

There are a few simple things you can do that will get him on his knee in no time:

1. Do nice things to his manly bits. Tune his horn…if you know what I mean. Don’t make me say it.

2. Fine. Blowjays. There. I said it.

3. Be passive aggressive about the fact that he’s taking his sweet ass time. Men love that.

 

6. How should I ask my girlfriend to marry me?

It’s hard to think of something original, I know. I think you should surprise her by bursting through the bathroom door while she’s sitting on the toilet and just hand it to her. What a delightful surprise! She will never expect it! (The lady in question 5 can go ahead and roll her eyes because question 6 has nothing to do with her…of course).

 

I hope I was able to offer helpful advice today. I will be back next week to answer more of your questions! In the mean time, please feel free to ask me anything in the comments below!

The First Time

9 May

When I got home from work, my puppy Porter was in the window wagging his big fluffy tail. Dane was sitting on the couch, watching a documentary on the History Channel. I changed my clothes and we went to Zen West Roadside Cantina to celebrate Cinco de Mayo with sangria.

He had fish tacos for dinner and I had a quesadilla. We talked about little things of no importance and recalled the loud, old Jewish couple sitting in front of us at the Mary Poppins production we saw the night before. He was good at imitating them and it made me laugh so hard. I remember where we were sitting in the restaurant and the little kid running in circles who repeatedly played the same, really annoying song on the jukebox while his mom and dad completely ignored him. I don’t recollect what song it was now, but it was spinning in my tipsy head as I tried to fall asleep later that night.

Back at my house, we drank wine and watched a show that was saved on the DVR. Porter chased his tail and we laughed. Dane suggested that he was just like that kid at the restaurant, really, except fluffy. He adored Porter. He was mad when I first rescued him because he didn’t want a dog, but as you can see, he fell in love with him pretty quickly:

 

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When it was time for bed, Dane cuddled with me for a bit before heading to his room. He said he was happy things were going well with us (we had fought in the months prior) and we made plans to see each other when I was back home from house sitting on May 9th.

The next morning, he came in early and kissed my forehead before he left. I glanced at him through squinting, sleepy eyes as the sun poured through the sneaky cracks in the blinds, directly on my pillow.

That was the last time I saw him.

We emailed a bit that week and he called on the 8th to say he wasn’t feeling well. He had heartburn. I told him to get some TUMS.

“Thanks, good idea,” he replied, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

That was the last time we spoke.

I’ll never forget a single moment.

The memories we had together and his passing are a constant reminder of the beauty and fragility of breath and life. One year ago, this propelled me out of my routine stillness. It was like an awakening from the numbness of the patient etherized upon a table in T.S. Eliot’s “The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock.”

Grateful and inspired, the months that followed sparked the first time I truly began to live.

Learning To Cook

7 May

If you’re anything like me, you have Italian mother who finds it disgraceful that you can’t cook. Perhaps she even tries to teach you, but you get lost while chasing her around the kitchen as she creates edible masterpieces without recipes and, amidst the confusion, you can’t help but think of the days when she was the one chasing you around the kitchen, but with a wooden spoon (you naughty, naughty thing, you). Maybe your older, popular, more successful, better looking brother is also a good cook and they both look down on you as you microwave hot dogs and put them on questionable buns.

My new roommate Jaime is also pretty clueless in this area, but we wanted to cook for our dudes. Like, we didn’t even know how to season and cook a good steak or properly boil potatoes to make mashed potatoes from scratch. Sure, we could have looked at recipes, but I’ve often found that this doesn’t work for me and that my timing is all off.

This, my friends, is where Adryon of Adryon’s Kitchen came to our rescue. She told us what to get and then came over and instructed us on how to make kitchen magic.

 

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Look, Jaime’s happy to be making some magical caramelized onions

 

Adryon will go to your house and teach you to use your own kitchen and bring some tools if necessary. You do the work so you actually learn something while she supervises and teaches you all the little tricks that recipes leave out. She is witty and really down to earth about it, too, making the experience less overwhelming. I think my favorite thing to learn was the salad dressing I made from scratch.

The potatoes were fun, too, but next time I’ll try not to be so jazzed about eating them that I sprain my wrist while mashing and stirring in a maniacal frenzy.

Whatever. They were worth it.

It was a busy couple of hours (with a break or two to watch cute proposal videos and cry while wearing aprons and drinking vodka…a sign that I am growing into a fine woman, indeed). I gained some confidence in the kitchen and it felt good to make an entire meal. Everything was delicious.

I would like for her to come back and show me more and she mentioned that we could do anything from one-on-one lessons to cooking for a dinner party. I kind of want to keep her.

She will do this with you, too, regardless of what cooking level you’re on, so Baltimore and surrounding area people should check out her blog adryonskitchen.com and give her a shout at adryonskitchen@gmail.com. It will make your disappointed mother proud and your boyfriend, girlfriend or dinner party happy (especially if you’d normally be serving hot dogs, otherwise). Out of town folks should still check out her recipes!

Also, side note, I’m still waiting for the update on when my episode of Katie Couric will air, so hold your horses.

 

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