A Cautionary Tale

22 Jun

Once upon a time there was a 31-year old woman who lived alone in Baltimore City. She didn’t mind living alone because of all the “pants optional” opportunities, but sure, sometimes it did get lonely. And at times? It could even be dangerous.

You shouldn’t fret, though, dear readers, the woman lives to tell her story (and at this very moment she is sans pants and buzzing about in a chocolate chip cookie-induced furor).

One bitter December evening following a late night out with friends, the woman made a risky decision. She should have gone straight to bed because as we all know (or have heard, dad, in case you’re reading this even though I told you not to read my blog) that nothing good ever happens after 2 am.

Which of the many poor possible decisions was made amidst our heroine’s drunken whirlwind laden with the indecent vigor of aggressively good spirits? Did she sprawl out on the floor, call an ex-boyfriend and cry? Negative. That wasn’t really ever her thing, anyway. Did she devour snacks? No. Okay, well maybe some snacks were involved, but that’s not what I’m referring to here, so no–it wasn’t the snacks.

She fought for years not to go down this path, but ultimately the woman surrendered, the way every drunk person someday must, to one of the highest internet gods imaginable: Amazon.

We all know Amazon is a dangerous place at any time of day, but after dark, it becomes especially treacherous terrain. Trouble was not far off, and soon it would be pricking at her and causing mild bloodshed on at least 4 separate occasions because the woman of whom I speak is often rather impatient.

On the next morning, she discovered a confirmation for her forgotten purchase:


and two days later, she received this “awesome collection of 20 unique cactus and succulents” and indeed, no two were alike.

One cactus was chubby and furry and quite deceptive. The woman liked that one the most. She named him Barry. He and all 19 of his little friends are doing well. They don’t all have names because I just don’t have that kind of time. The woman, I mean. The woman doesn’t have that kind of time.

Anyway, the result of this perilous expedition could have been way worse with much greater consequences, but I share this story with you to serve as a cautionary tale–your reminder to go the frick to sleep instead of online shopping.

22 Responses to “A Cautionary Tale”

  1. Jim June 22, 2016 at 3:27 pm #

    You are fucking adorable.

    Liked by 2 people

    • La La June 22, 2016 at 3:39 pm #

      Haha. Thanks, Jim. You’re really just too kind.


  2. Jayne June 22, 2016 at 3:52 pm #

    Get Out! I am sans pants and loving the option tremendously! I do smile and think of your post in my giddy jiggly freedom.
    I too have evidence of such nocturnal treachery. 2 sets of pearl earring and necklaces. I caught some feverish need to have 2. I haven’t been sick like that since. It was strange.

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La June 22, 2016 at 3:57 pm #

      What if you lose one? And the backings?! You may have been sick, but were very likely just thinking ahead. 😁


      • Jayne June 22, 2016 at 4:02 pm #

        Well there’s where the depths of my fever show. I bought a white pearl and black pearl set. Single pearl necklaces. Single pearl earrings. The black pearl from he necklace came unstuck – twice and I don’t bother with them anymore because I still don’t understand the drive that came over me to buy 2 sets. I’m serious. lol

        Liked by 1 person

        • La La June 22, 2016 at 4:04 pm #

          Hahahahaha I love it!


  3. ridicuryder June 22, 2016 at 4:38 pm #


    The other 19 can be all called 19…everyone would be Barry 19 – pretty cool…Barry’s the coolest, but the others would be the 19est.


    Liked by 1 person

  4. El Guapo June 22, 2016 at 5:00 pm #

    What are these “pants” of which you speak?

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La June 22, 2016 at 5:05 pm #

      Imagine a situation where you can choose whether you wear pants. So…ideally, no pants at all. Feel me?


  5. Kathleen June 22, 2016 at 5:41 pm #

    No, you’ve done this before. ❤

    You just need a timed lock for your phone at night.


    • La La June 22, 2016 at 5:50 pm #

      Well yes, if we count ambien days from my previous life.


  6. Kevin June 22, 2016 at 10:42 pm #

    Not a bad investment.


  7. Omidahomie September 12, 2016 at 8:44 pm #

    Stop… This is a legit thing? Please tell me where the rest of them are because it says your last blog post was in June. Miss you my dear old friend!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La September 12, 2016 at 8:48 pm #

      Omaaahhhh, it’s legit. All of it. Next one coming soon. 😂


      • ODA September 12, 2016 at 9:25 pm #

        Signing up for email alerts ASAP

        Liked by 1 person

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