It’s that time again. Here is a list of even more reasons why I, and probably you, or maybe it’s just me, love this time of year!
- We can again pay to have people chase us through the woods with chainsaws. Finally!
- It’s dark when leaving for work and dark right when I get home. The lack of sun leaves me sleepy and looking sickly. Haven’t you heard that “sleepy-sickly” is the new sexy? Well, it is.
- Often it’s foggy in the morning, which is great if you like adding a touch of danger to your driving experience. Or perhaps the fog can assist with planning the ultimate morning dance party? Or maybe you’re a magician in need of a mysterious atmosphere? Or just a creepy guy emerging from the woods? Regardless, your fog needs will be met. Because fall.
- Most of the lush greenery dies and nature becomes kind of barren and brown. I love emptiness. I love dead nature. I love brown. So I’m pretty excited about it.
- Nothing makes me feel more alert on a dank autumn day than the crippling fear of slipping on dead leaves. Thanks, dead foliage.
- I’ll burn approximately 100 calories in 15 minutes while shivering and that’s just perfect because I’ll need those extra calories for all the carbs I’ll be consuming.
- We can buy decorative gourds to put on display and gourd experts can get their gourd on by entering a gourd competition. The diverse Cucurbitaceae family is a real treat.
- Cornucopias. Those seem like a reason to be pumped about the fall.
- We can eat pumpkin seeds, but not in excess because they hurt coming back out if you know what I mean.
- Pumpkins will rot on many-a-porch, especially that of my next door neighbor, and when you look inside it’s all gross and stinky and moldy and bugs get up in there. LOVE!
- Dads in fanny packs from all over this great land will flock to ghost tours and crack dad jokes throughout haunted excursions. Here’s a little-known fact–when you stand outside on a cold evening and listen closely, on the wind you can hear the faint whispers of dads with groupons asking boast-y historical questions to impress everyone else there. Be still. Listen. They need this.
- Getting ghost-laid. Am I right?
- We spend money on candy for children we don’t know and tell them someone in this dangerous world may have put razor blades or drugs in there or something and then we tell them their teeth will rot out of their heads if they eat too much of it and then we eat most of the candy ourselves. So basically, we buy candy to give away to children, scare them about it, and then send the children out into the darkness to fetch us more of it and we throw away the ones we don’t like. Many of the children will grow up and wear costumes like “sexy lobster” or “sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon.”
So fun, you guys! What a time to be alive! Enjoy!