My Classy Friend

30 Jul

I have a classy, single friend who lives alone (it isn’t me) who got drunk on Saturday afternoon at the Liverpool FC vs. Tottenham Hotspur match, went home and took a booze nap in the middle of the afternoon and then woke up with a sunburn and remained buzzed for the rest of the evening. In the middle of the night, she sent an email to a few of her friends that said this:

“I’m laying in bed wide awake. I know I didn’t put that booger on the wall because I don’t pick my nose, but I live alone. Now I’m worried that I pick my nose in my sleep, which makes ‘waking self up with fart’ seem sophisticated (which is why I’m awake right now, by the way).”

Like I said, she’s a classy girl. She can’t control what happens in her sleep, so stop judging her about it. That same friend is at work right now and it’s extremely hot in her office and she’s tired and that sunburn from Saturday is killing her body. I hope she can get in a nap before her date tonight with a guy who has a Napoleon complex and I hope she can find her halter dress so she doesn’t have to wear a bra (even though her mom said you shouldn’t wear a halter dress on a first date with an Italian boy because he might think you’re a “strumpet”). Whatever, mom, you’re the strumpet and I hate you for setting me up with a short Italian. That’s what I told her to say to her mom.

 

 

 

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40 Responses to “My Classy Friend”

  1. Christopher De Voss July 30, 2012 at 3:37 pm #

    What’s a strumpet?

    Like

    • La La July 30, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

      Noun: A female prostitute or a promiscuous woman.

      Like

      • Christopher De Voss July 30, 2012 at 4:05 pm #

        Oh, I thought it was a combination guitar / trumpet.

        Like

  2. Madame Weebles July 30, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Oh, bless her. Did her mom really set her up on this date? That would concern me more than waking myself up with farts.

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    • La La July 30, 2012 at 3:47 pm #

      Her mom set her up. They’re just meeting today for a drink. I can’t wait.

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      • La La July 30, 2012 at 3:48 pm #

        to hear about it, that is.

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      • Madame Weebles July 31, 2012 at 11:52 am #

        So how was it? I mean, how did your friend say it went?

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        • La La July 31, 2012 at 2:42 pm #

          So weird. It was weird. Popped collar and definitely shorter than me. So Italian. So so Italian.

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          • Madame Weebles July 31, 2012 at 2:45 pm #

            Ew ew ew ew ew ew. My own Sicilian blood is cringing. Ew. Popped collar = how YOU doin’

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            • La La July 31, 2012 at 2:47 pm #

              Good god I know. Wedding in Ireland alone? Here I come.

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            • Madame Weebles July 31, 2012 at 2:52 pm #

              You realize you’re going to need to document EVERYTHING that goes on in Ireland so I can live vicariously through you.

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  3. Frivolous Monsters July 30, 2012 at 3:49 pm #

    You go on dates set up by your Mum? The thought makes me shudder. But then I am generally single. Hope you’re wearing heels…

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    • La La July 30, 2012 at 3:51 pm #

      I’ve never done this, no, but I gave in. She so wants me to meet a “nice Italian boy.”

      Like

      • Frivolous Monsters July 30, 2012 at 3:56 pm #

        First time for everything. Still it will give you another life story to tell us all on here. I would go further to blacklist anyone that knew, or were given the seal of approval by, my parents. I would just be worried about what’ll get back to your Mum via him, but then your Dad reads your blog so anything goes in La La land now.

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        • La La July 30, 2012 at 4:33 pm #

          True. She just really wants me to take a date to a wedding in Ireland that I am going to in October. Dates. Who needs ’em.

          Like

  4. becca3416 July 30, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    At least maybe he has an accent? Maybe? Trying to be positive for you. If not wearing a bra is a solid option, there really is no other choice.

    Like

    • La La July 30, 2012 at 4:45 pm #

      It’s a New York accent…neato.

      Like

  5. clownonfire July 30, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    La La,
    7 responses and none about the booger. I think you were courageous for tackling such a tabooed subject. There, I have balls and said what needed to be said.
    Le Clown

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    • La La July 30, 2012 at 4:40 pm #

      Tabooed subject gone sleep disorder? The world may never know.

      Like

      • clownonfire July 30, 2012 at 4:41 pm #

        La La,
        Until another blog post, that is…
        Le Clown

        Like

  6. Someone Else July 30, 2012 at 4:32 pm #

    ummm, absolutely amazing! you have good/funny friends, guurl.

    about the booger though…

    Like

    • La La July 31, 2012 at 10:37 am #

      She’s working on that…

      Like

  7. Elliot July 30, 2012 at 5:05 pm #

    I can only congratulate your friend on having the good taste to go to the Liverpool match (Liverpool are my team). The rest is forgivable after that.

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    • La La July 30, 2012 at 5:11 pm #

      Glad you approve. I was in the front row and wore my vintage Dalglish jersey and it was delightful.

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      • Elliot July 30, 2012 at 5:14 pm #

        Then I must also congratulate you on your fine tastes. As I was away on the family reunion thing I only got to see the recorded match yesterday. Did you laugh when Gareth Bale got nobbled?

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      • La La July 30, 2012 at 5:15 pm #

        and Lucas smiled at me while warming up.

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  8. Lori DiNardi July 30, 2012 at 5:17 pm #

    Did this friend of your get into your Ambien by any chance? 😉

    Like

    • La La July 30, 2012 at 5:23 pm #

      hahahahaha! very funny 😉

      Like

  9. Simon July 30, 2012 at 6:50 pm #

    Lauren, please tell your friend I think she is kind of awesome. Strumpet or not.

    Like

  10. Maggie O'C July 30, 2012 at 7:04 pm #

    You don’t want to take a date to a wedding in Ireland! What if you get over there and he’s annoying and you need to be drunk without some boy annoying you. You need your freedom, there are all new boys in Ireland!

    As my father would say, “LaLa, Keep your knees together.” or I mean whatever your friend’s name is.

    Like

    • La La July 30, 2012 at 7:26 pm #

      That’s why my mom would like me to bring a date….you just want to read the stories! haha

      Like

  11. RFL July 30, 2012 at 7:36 pm #

    My friend sleep farts too. I hope your friend gets a nap and has fun on this date. Or at least another frickin hilarious story.

    Like

  12. Kathy V. July 30, 2012 at 9:24 pm #

    If the worst she does in her sleep is pick her nose, she’s probably alright. She just needs to make sure not to sleep with anybody squeamish. And by squeamish, I mean anybody who would be freaked out to wake up with somebody else’s dried booger stuck to their forehead.

    Like

  13. Andrew July 31, 2012 at 9:07 am #

    Strumpets, boogers, mid day drinking, and farting one self awake all in just 3 paragraphs Perfection.

    Like

    • La La July 31, 2012 at 10:26 am #

      Wow, I did, didn’t I? I went there in 3 paragraphs.

      Like

  14. gingerfightback July 31, 2012 at 1:25 pm #

    Do you know what the result in the match was?

    Like

    • La La July 31, 2012 at 1:28 pm #

      0-0. Most of us find that kind of dull. We like scoring…or something.

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      • gingerfightback July 31, 2012 at 1:42 pm #

        Normally at 0-0 games we pick our noses out of boredom! But don’t go out with Italian men. That would be silly .

        Like

  15. deviantdiaries July 31, 2012 at 1:39 pm #

    One classy strumpet….and I love the e-card!!!

    Like

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