I have a classy, single friend who lives alone (it isn’t me) who got drunk on Saturday afternoon at the Liverpool FC vs. Tottenham Hotspur match, went home and took a booze nap in the middle of the afternoon and then woke up with a sunburn and remained buzzed for the rest of the evening. In the middle of the night, she sent an email to a few of her friends that said this:
“I’m laying in bed wide awake. I know I didn’t put that booger on the wall because I don’t pick my nose, but I live alone. Now I’m worried that I pick my nose in my sleep, which makes ‘waking self up with fart’ seem sophisticated (which is why I’m awake right now, by the way).”
Like I said, she’s a classy girl. She can’t control what happens in her sleep, so stop judging her about it. That same friend is at work right now and it’s extremely hot in her office and she’s tired and that sunburn from Saturday is killing her body. I hope she can get in a nap before her date tonight with a guy who has a Napoleon complex and I hope she can find her halter dress so she doesn’t have to wear a bra (even though her mom said you shouldn’t wear a halter dress on a first date with an Italian boy because he might think you’re a “strumpet”). Whatever, mom, you’re the strumpet and I hate you for setting me up with a short Italian. That’s what I told her to say to her mom.