Karen, My Alter Ego

6 Aug

While I am usually a very sweet person, every few months I get overwhelmed by life and my crazy alter ego takes over and all she wants to do is yell at people, take off her clothes, shut off her brain and eat a quart of mint chocolate chip ice cream while watching some chick movies. If someone tries to stop her, she becomes a fiery, snappy bitch who has no problem cracking the skulls of those who get in her way.

This has happened ever since I was a child (except back then I would take off my clothes, demand a cookie and then go talk to my imaginary friends, a turtle and a mermaid, who lived in the sewer). My dad says that it happens when I reach my “threshold of stimulation” and he actually finds it quite funny because my whole personality changes. Here is a photograph that captures this phenomena:

 

 

He emailed me recently to say that while he was watching a Bridezillas marathon (I didn’t ask why that would even be happening), he found the woman who possesses me when I reach that threshold. Her name is Karen and she’s a crazy Italian from New York.

I would get mad and deny it, but he’s right. Hey, at least it isn’t the demon that possessed Regan MacNeill in “The Exorcist.” Here’s a taste of my alter ego, Karen, in action:

 

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22 Responses to “Karen, My Alter Ego”

  1. Christopher De Voss August 6, 2012 at 3:57 pm #

    “I look like a dog!”

    Karen takes off her clothes and eats ice cream? Sounds like my type of woman!

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

      A whole quart. I can channel her sometimes. I looked at my hair the last time it happened and said, “I look like a fucking lion!” It reminded me of the dog quote.

      Like

  2. Carrie Rubin August 6, 2012 at 4:21 pm #

    Ha ha–well, at least you’re woman enough to admit it. And getting naked and eating mint chocolate chip ice cream is a much safer way to deal with it than some other possibilities. 🙂

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2012 at 9:29 pm #

      It truly is. I thank you for your feedback. Missed you!

      Like

  3. Frivolous Monsters August 6, 2012 at 4:34 pm #

    You were blonde as a child? I’ve heard the one about mythical alligators in the New York sewers, that were flushed down the toilets whilst small, but… How did the mermaids get there in Baltimore?

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2012 at 4:46 pm #

      I was blonde until I was about 10. What color is your hair, Batman?

      I don’t know how Adella the mermaid got to Baltimore. I never asked her…perhaps I will during my next visit. 😉

      Like

      • Frivolous Monsters August 6, 2012 at 4:56 pm #

        I was as blonde as you… Now darker, but not that much darker. I still claim to be blonde, but sometimes people raise eyebrows at this.

        I hate to think what you’d have to flush down a toilet to get a mermaid… But next time you’re trolling around down there please do ask. I know from my cultural observations of your American transmissions (South Park, Ninja Turtles, Due South etc) that you lot must go playing down there all the time… This never happens over here, even on TV!

        Like

        • La La August 6, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

          Turtle power!! We don’t really hang out in the sewer unless we live near the big entrances. Kids are fascinated by that, I suppose.

          Like

          • Frivolous Monsters August 6, 2012 at 5:51 pm #

            Big entrances? You’re making them sound exciting. And it’s always people coming up through manholes under cars in the middle of the street in all those many films… of which I can’t quite recall any.

            Like

  4. Madame Weebles August 6, 2012 at 6:13 pm #

    Wait, so you take off all your clothes, and all you do is eat mint chocolate chip ice cream?? It’s like I don’t know you anymore.

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2012 at 9:27 pm #

      haha, just when Karen comes around!

      Like

  5. Lori DiNardi August 6, 2012 at 7:55 pm #

    After watching the comparison video, I was too afraid not to click ‘like. 😉

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2012 at 9:48 pm #

      Lori, you chose wisely 🙂

      Like

  6. RFL August 7, 2012 at 9:15 am #

    Crackin’ skulls!

    Like

  7. ardent and awkward in austin August 7, 2012 at 12:29 pm #

    Your dad’s reason for being sucked into a Bridezilla marathon may be left an unexplained phenomena. I may or may not know this from experience. Those women are brutal and awesome. Just like that photo of you as a child. Ha! Adorbs.

    Like

    • La La August 7, 2012 at 12:34 pm #

      Thank you 🙂

      I may or may not have also experienced the occasional Bridezilla marathon. Those bitches are cray cray.

      Like

  8. westwickletimes August 7, 2012 at 6:22 pm #

    I can imagine your dad now: ‘Now come on Lauren, that bag is far too big to walk around the supermarket with we’re only getting a few things…. Okay fine! just get in the car.’

    I hope your not too much like Karen. Anyone who says the line ‘…listen to me you $9 an hour human being…’ should be legally and morally exempt from getting a back hand across the chops.

    Like

    • La La August 7, 2012 at 6:28 pm #

      Hahaha, I am far too sweet to be like Karen, no worries 😉

      You should see what she said about her future husband, yikes!

      Like

  9. wuzzman August 8, 2012 at 1:21 pm #

    My approach to a bridezilla is simple. Ask her how many people will show up at the wedding. Then ask her to imagine that many eyeballs staring at her when i don’t show up 🙂 Lolz, but great post (like reading about my sister and exgf) looking forward to reading more.

    Like

  10. anibogh May 28, 2013 at 4:39 pm #

    at least she’s pretty, in my case it’s almost always is hulk hogan

    Like

    • La La May 28, 2013 at 5:54 pm #

      Yeah I thought she was pretty too. She could be friends with Hulk Hogan, though, I’m sure.

      Like

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