Helen, A Prostitute

8 Mar

Of all the corners in Baltimore City, Helen chose my Hampden corner for turning tricks. She was tall, wore a sports bra and rocked a fancy, champagne blonde 80’s-esque hairstyle.

She yelled at inanimate objects and one time was behind me in line at Rite Aid when I dropped my wallet. She picked it up for me, introduced herself and said she had my back.

Thanks, girl.

Once, I saw her checking car doors while singing “Rush, Rush” by Paula Abdul. Two days later, I forgot to lock my car and the next morning I was greeted by a douche in my cup holder and cigarette ashes all over my front seat (which, by the way, was set down and back and likely used for sexual activity. My car was cleaned vigorously for a couple of weeks after that).

When I saw the douche, I had a flashback to the early 90s and for at least one solid minute, thought it was a Berry B. Wild SqueezIt.






I hadn’t seen Helen for long time and thought maybe she finally got help and gave up drugs and prostitution, but I went out with a guy the other night who told me that she died. He also said there’s a new prostitute. He described her as “in her 50’s and a bit momish.” Mom-prostitute stands on his corner just a few blocks away, so my corner finally gets a break.

This may sound weird, but I am going to miss Helen. I mean, I didn’t know her, but she was quite a character. She was a part of life, you know? And now she’s not. I’ll never find out what her favorite color was, if she was happy at some point, or if she was ever in love.

Rest in peace, Helen. I forgive you for leaving your douche in my cup holder and probably having sex in my car.

I pray you are in a better place now, on that great corner in the sky.


76 Responses to “Helen, A Prostitute”

  1. Le Clown March 8, 2013 at 12:48 pm #

    This was such a humane, touching post. So beautiful.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:03 pm #

      Thank you, Eric. Helen was quite a gal.


      • Le Clown March 8, 2013 at 1:05 pm #

        Even if she was an a-hole, it was a kind eulogy to a hard working woman. Kudos on you for that.


        • Kelly March 8, 2013 at 1:13 pm #

          Bingo. Hard work is hard work.


  2. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 8, 2013 at 12:51 pm #

    that’s quit a story, La La! No one has ever douched in my vehicle that I know of ~ I’d have taken a picture too. I know what you mean – we have quite a few characters in Tucson, and when I learn they’ve passed away, I’m kind of sad b/c they are part of the fabric of my town and the places I’d see them. I was sad when the speedo bike guy died (probably of skin cancer – he was cooked a dark brown except for the speedo area {I’m assuming}).

    And you live in my favorite John-Waters town too!!


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

      Exactly! That’s such a perfect way to put it, “the fabric of my town.” It’s sad to watch people like Helen and speedo bike guy disappear. It means life is changing yet again.

      And yay John Waters!


      • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 8, 2013 at 1:10 pm #

        Yay indeed! I love him ~ LOVE LOVE LOVE him! Have you seen him walking around Baltimore? I got to meet him once – it was awesome.


        • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:12 pm #

          Yes, he picks up mail from the bookstore right down the street!


          • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 8, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

            OH HOW FREAKIN’ COOL! One of my clients at WETA was an extra dancer (for the Madison sequence) on Hairspray. I made him sign my DVD ~

            If you ever get a chance (or have an inclination) pick up “Shock Value” – it’s a great book… I also love “Crackpot- the Obsessions of John Waters” – which are a collection of articles he’s had published.


          • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:21 pm #

            I will, thanks for the recommendation!


  3. Adrienne schmadrienne March 8, 2013 at 1:01 pm #

    I think I would have lit my car on fire after that.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:04 pm #

      It was my new Jetta, too. I was so mad at myself for forgetting to lock the doors!!!


    • calahan March 8, 2013 at 2:35 pm #



  4. rheath40 March 8, 2013 at 1:06 pm #

    Honey, I love this post. Maybe you were the only one that ever gave Helen more than a passing glance. Then you gave her a story. With that, you gave meaning to her life. No matter how f’d up it was. As you said, you’ll miss her. She was a part of life. Isn’t that the point? Every connection we make, is a part of life.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

      Exactly. Connections are so important, I think. This is our one life. Thank you, Renee!


  5. Carrie Rubin March 8, 2013 at 1:07 pm #

    “I forgive you for leaving your douche in my cup holder and probably having sex in my car.”—Words parents hope they never hear their child say…

    Here’s to Helen. I hope she went peacefully. Do you know how she died?


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:11 pm #

      Sean said she overdosed. I couldn’t find an obituary, though, so I’m not positive.


  6. gingerfightback March 8, 2013 at 1:14 pm #

    Here’s to Helen!


  7. Karen March 8, 2013 at 1:17 pm #

    Really nice post. I’ve really enjoyed the posts you’ve written about funny, gritty Baltimore.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:22 pm #

      Thank you, Karen. It’s a very…inspiring place, full of characters and stories.


  8. twindaddy March 8, 2013 at 1:43 pm #

    Dearest La La (la la la la la la),
    I would like to second Eric in saying that this was a great, touching post. It reminds me again what a kind soul you are and that you, above all else, kick fucking ass. Don’t ever forget that, mkay?


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:49 pm #

      Oh, stop it. I’m blushing. You’re the fucking best!


      • twindaddy March 8, 2013 at 1:53 pm #

        Don’t blush. Just believe it. Otherwise I’m wasting my breath. You wouldn’t waste my breath, would you?


        • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:54 pm #

          No…no sir. I won’t waste your breath, sir.


  9. RFL March 8, 2013 at 1:56 pm #

    Oh the douche story was maybe the second or third post I read of yours. This was a nice tribute and funny too. Not easy to pull off gracefully with the subject matter but somehow you have. Nice job!


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 1:58 pm #

      Thank you, I was nervous about finding the right way to present it. Hope you’re well, missy!


  10. T. W. Dittmer March 8, 2013 at 2:20 pm #

    Nicely done. Well written. There are Helens everywhere.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      Gotta love the hardworking Helens!


  11. becca3416 March 8, 2013 at 2:31 pm #

    Helen sure knows a thing or two about hygiene. Knew. 😦


  12. SocietyRed March 8, 2013 at 2:38 pm #

    Great great post La La.
    Sad and awesome at the same time.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      You’re too kind. Thank you for stopping by, Red!


  13. tracy fulks March 8, 2013 at 3:05 pm #

    Excellent post. Fuckin’ Baltimore. Douche in the cup holder almost makes me miss living in the city…almost.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 6:48 pm #

      Close….but not quite missing the rats the size of tiny dogs, either? Enjoy your space!


  14. Whoredinary March 8, 2013 at 3:44 pm #

    Thank you for this La La, and thanks to Le Clown for leading me here.

    I’m relieved to know a moment and a few words are said for a colorful co-worker.

    I laughed so hard I cried.

    ‘…the great corner in the sky’

    I love this more times than once!

    Your Friendly Neighborhood Prostitute ❤


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 6:47 pm #

      You’re awesome! Thank you. I am headed your way right now.


  15. Madame Weebles March 8, 2013 at 4:15 pm #

    This is a great eulogy, girl. Funny and sad and icky, but great. Poor Helen. RIP, sister.


  16. The Bumble Files March 8, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    Oh, La La, I loved this story. What a moving tribute to Helen. You shared something on this earth together. You never know how someone may affect you. I hope Helen got to read it in her corner of the sky. I think it would make her smile.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 6:45 pm #

      Aw that’s sweet of you. I hope she enjoyed it.


  17. Aaron March 8, 2013 at 6:33 pm #

    What a wonderful thing for you to do, you brought poetry to her life, and gave her something we all want. To know that we made an impression on life and someone noticed and considered it.


    • La La March 8, 2013 at 7:26 pm #

      Thanks what I was hoping to achieve here. We all hope for it. You’re wonderful for stopping by!


  18. The Waiting March 8, 2013 at 7:06 pm #

    Poor Helen. May she rest in peace and get to hang out with Paula once she makes her own trip to the pearly Gates.


  19. Pigeon Heart March 8, 2013 at 8:45 pm #

    RIP Helen. Good to befriend people of the night. They got your back. It’s not like she stole your car. (;
    I had a prostitute friend, Monique. Maybe she deserves a post too… You are so inspiring always, thanks!


    • La La March 9, 2013 at 8:24 am #

      Monique needs a post. I loved your post last night! You are absolutely one of my favorite people.


  20. Pixie Girl March 9, 2013 at 4:40 am #

    Wow. I don’t really know what to say, started funny and then got sad and then got lovely.

    Great post x


    • La La March 9, 2013 at 8:23 am #

      Thank you, girlie. Helen had a way about her that I needed to share.


  21. The Hook March 9, 2013 at 5:55 pm #

    You have a beautiful soul, La La.
    I hope Helen is at peace now.


  22. Monk Monkey March 9, 2013 at 7:59 pm #

    Thank you for showing me douche I had not seen it before. As far as I am aware you can’t get it here but the squeeze bottles look kinda fun.


    • La La March 11, 2013 at 10:10 am #

      You would have fun with the squeeze bottle, monk.


  23. Bob March 10, 2013 at 9:44 am #

    I used to have a homeless dude we called Jesus of Osborne village. Always in his parka and boots, even in the summer heat. I always have him a few bucks when I had some to spare being a student at the time. He never asked just sat there on the pavement looking sad. Your post reminds me of him.


    • La La March 11, 2013 at 10:10 am #

      This is wonderful. Thank you so much for the reblog, too.


  24. Bob March 10, 2013 at 10:13 am #

    Reblogged this on Exploring Winnipeg and Beyond. and commented:
    I wrote a post very similar to this one in theme actually a few years ago minus the sex in the car thing about a homeless man who lived in Osborne Village in Winnipeg. This post about the prostitute made me think about him. Thank you, La La for making me remember how lucky we really are. My post can be found in the html link here.


  25. Andrew March 11, 2013 at 11:42 pm #

    It’s funny, because I’m a dumb boy who has no idea about “girl” stuff. And I intially thought squeezit too. Then you brought it up, so I knew I wasn’t crazy. Great job. This was the perfect blend of humor with heartache. The way good ones are always are.


    • La La March 12, 2013 at 11:22 am #

      I’m glad I didn’t enjoy it like a Squeezit… thank you so much!


  26. The Hook March 12, 2013 at 11:20 am #

    I just reblogged this, La La.
    Thanks for being so gifted. Your work has helped filled the void left by my March Break absence.
    You rock!


    • La La March 12, 2013 at 11:24 am #

      Wow that’s so wonderful of you!


  27. Diane C March 12, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    What a wonderful view of community. I really believe that everyone needs to be included. I was in Paris three years ago and in the neighbourhood where I was staying there was a mentally ill street woman who was obviously an alcoholic. Everyone that I spoke to wanted her gone. One morning I was having breakfast at a cafe’ and there was a family busking outside the cafe’. They were wonderful. In the middle of a song the street woman came up and started to sing with them. She was amazing! She had a trained operatic voice and in spite of what was likely years of alcoholism and living on the street it was still beautiful. It really made me think about how we can be inclusive of all members of our community, even the ones that may not fit into our ideas of what a good neighbour should be.


    • La La March 12, 2013 at 11:49 am #

      Wow, that is truly touching! People can really be surprising. Thank you for sharing this story with me, Diane!


  28. Katie March 12, 2013 at 11:45 am #

    What a great story. It’s amazing how we don’t realize how much we value the supporting characters of our lives until they’re gone. When I stop seeing people I see regularly on the train with me, I often catch myself wondering what happened to them.


    • La La March 12, 2013 at 11:52 am #

      Yes, exactly! My dad had a similar story where he rode the train every day for a year and one day he switched to a new job and a few months later grabbed the same train he use to take and a guy on the train said he was wondering if something had happened to my dad. Life is so precious and strange and cool like that. Thanks for sharing and for the follow! I love your blog.


  29. Jen and Tonic March 12, 2013 at 12:04 pm #

    “When I saw the douche, I had a flashback to the early 90s and for at least one solid minute, thought it was a Berry B. Wild SqueezIt.” You don’t know how many times I’ve thought a douche looked like a SqueezeIt.

    I hope Helen knows what a fixture she was. Enough of one to warrant a blog post so that strangers in other parts of the world could read about her life.


    • La La March 14, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

      Jen, such a fixture! The kind of woman that makes Baltimore so unique.


  30. Janet (ocdtalk) March 12, 2013 at 6:01 pm #

    Great post…….we have some “Helens” in our town as well, and I would miss them too if they weren’t here……


  31. Rohan 7 Things March 15, 2013 at 5:16 am #

    Wow great post, death puts everything in perspective doesn’t it? We all die one day, we’re not so different, just people doing our best with what the world throws at us 🙂

    This story also reminds be of the movie The Other Guys when a bunch of homeless men have an orgy in Will Ferrel’s Prius.

    Thanks for sharing!!



    • La La March 15, 2013 at 10:46 am #

      Rohan, exactly! None of us are getting out alive. And clearly I need to see that movie.


      • Maggie O'C March 19, 2013 at 2:30 pm #

        You haven’t seen the Other Guys?! What???!!! Tonight young lady!


  32. Maggie O'C March 19, 2013 at 2:29 pm #

    LaLa! This is so good! This is really lovely and sweet and touching, not in a bad touch way. God rest her, I bet she was tired. xoxox


  33. Christopher De Voss May 10, 2013 at 9:11 am #

    I bet this was the best tribute Helen got. It’s nice to be remembered. Did her family remember her? Hopefully. If not, she at least has this touching post.



  1. Hook’s Dog With A Blog – And a Moving Tale From La La. | You've Been Hooked! - March 12, 2013

    […] Helen, A Prostitute. […]


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