Archive | July, 2013

Ode to a Stray Hair

31 Jul

At first I was like, “Is this my life now? Should I really publish a poem about a stray hair?” and then I remembered that I published a poem about a squeaky bra and also that this is my place to play with poesy and post photos and do what I please. So there.

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A stray chin hair after the storm

A stray chin hair after the storm

 

O, stray hair! An insult
to time, thou art most unwelcome
upon mine chin or stomach or ample bosom
or wherever you decide to pop up next.

You are at your worst when coarse,
dark in shade,
and when my boyfriend is first
to recognize your sneaky, hideous violation.

Be gone, darkling, I beg!
Dissolve into the forest dim,
for I have enough hair, already experience
plenty of awkwardness–

and need not your further assistance.

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Hot and Bothered

18 Jul

At 4 pm today, right when I get off work, it will be 98° with a heat index of 110°. Today is one of those days I fully regret not buying a house with central air conditioning. I know, I know–I shouldn’t be complaining, but I’m hot. Like, really hot. If you were inside my shirt or pants, you would understand.

Humidity and thick heat get me really worked up, people, and it isn’t even the good kind. As the temperature rises, I feel a pressure build inside of me that when at its zenith, may actually result in me screaming at and slapping everyone who tries to speak to me.

Also, it makes my hair frizzy and my body sweaty. Sure, cold water will keep me hydrated, but it doesn’t stop the sweating of my heaving, voluptuous bosom. I’m sweating at this very moment and wearing white today and I swear that if I bounced around and giggled unintelligently I could win all the spring break wet t-shirt contests right about now.

And my hindquarters? Just fucking forget about it. If my posterior portion’s climate equals that of a rain forest, you men must feel like you’re in the pits of hell with all that body hair. Seriously, your butts must be so uncomfortable with all that swamp ass. My respect goes out to you, fine sirs.

So anyway, instead of working today I found a few cool things on the internets that might help and I wish I had invented all of them so I could afford a house with central air. If you have more ideas, please feel free to comment and save the world from my T&A issues!

 

First of all, there’s this USB butt cooling cushion:

buttcool

 

and then there’s butt cooling cream that cyclists use:

2696

 

and ladies, there’s cooling cream for your boobs, too. Nursing women use it, but sweaty girls can too, and probably those dudes with man boobs:

300

 

and finally,”My Breast Friend” cooling pads that go inside your bra:

517-9f70v6L

Summer Fun for Poorish People

9 Jul

Is it hot? Are you kind of poor? Do you want to have fun outside AND cool down at the same time? If you can’t join a pool, go on vacation or live somewhere that is currently experiencing winter, I have the solution!

Here is what you’ll need (4-6 are key, folks):

1. A really good sprinkler.

2. Blow up pool.

3. Grapefruit, orange or cranberry juice.

4. Vodka.

5. An imagination.

6. No dignity at all whatsoever (not to be confused with “No Diggity”– the song by Blackstreet ft. Dr. Dre and Queen Pen).

Okay, so the rest is pretty self-explanatory. Go ahead and blow up the pool, hook that sprinkler up to a hose, mix juice with vodka (or don’t…), put on a bathing suit (or don’t…WINK), sit in the blow up pool while the sprinkler sprays you, get hella tipsy, close your eyes and imagine you’re anywhere but the yard. You’re welcome. Oh, and don’t forget sunscreen. I use the kind with sparkles because it makes me shimmer and my neighbors are probably all “ooooh” and “aaaaah” about it.

Photographic summary:

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1000947_58484EP_A_400    

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 danzka-vodka

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tumblr_makp3xmqBt1qiokl3o1_500

= Yay! 

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