Hot and Bothered

18 Jul

At 4 pm today, right when I get off work, it will be 98° with a heat index of 110°. Today is one of those days I fully regret not buying a house with central air conditioning. I know, I know–I shouldn’t be complaining, but I’m hot. Like, really hot. If you were inside my shirt or pants, you would understand.

Humidity and thick heat get me really worked up, people, and it isn’t even the good kind. As the temperature rises, I feel a pressure build inside of me that when at its zenith, may actually result in me screaming at and slapping everyone who tries to speak to me.

Also, it makes my hair frizzy and my body sweaty. Sure, cold water will keep me hydrated, but it doesn’t stop the sweating of my heaving, voluptuous bosom. I’m sweating at this very moment and wearing white today and I swear that if I bounced around and giggled unintelligently I could win all the spring break wet t-shirt contests right about now.

And my hindquarters? Just fucking forget about it. If my posterior portion’s climate equals that of a rain forest, you men must feel like you’re in the pits of hell with all that body hair. Seriously, your butts must be so uncomfortable with all that swamp ass. My respect goes out to you, fine sirs.

So anyway, instead of working today I found a few cool things on the internets that might help and I wish I had invented all of them so I could afford a house with central air. If you have more ideas, please feel free to comment and save the world from my T&A issues!


First of all, there’s this USB butt cooling cushion:



and then there’s butt cooling cream that cyclists use:



and ladies, there’s cooling cream for your boobs, too. Nursing women use it, but sweaty girls can too, and probably those dudes with man boobs:



and finally,”My Breast Friend” cooling pads that go inside your bra:


48 Responses to “Hot and Bothered”

  1. Bob July 18, 2013 at 1:20 pm #

    Good products! Though I must admit your post made me rather warm, Canada is in the grips of the heat too! Time to turn up the AC. 😉


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 1:23 pm #

      Oh, Canada.


      • Bob July 18, 2013 at 1:26 pm #

        Our hot and sweaty land, heads drip from heat it’s more than we can stand!


  2. twindaddy July 18, 2013 at 1:25 pm #

    Good ol’ swamp ass. Is it winter yet?


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 1:27 pm #

      You must be dying in that suit.


      • twindaddy July 18, 2013 at 1:36 pm #

        It’s horrid. You don’t wanna know…


  3. Lori D July 18, 2013 at 1:31 pm #

    Now you know why I don’t like living in Florida. That kind of heat lasts for five months without any breaks. I would not live here without central a/c. I’m very much the same as you when I get too hot. Let’s just say that PMS pales in comparison. Do you have any kind of a/c at all? A window unit? We have a portable a/c unit with wheels. We bought it years ago for in case we have a hurricane that knocks out electricity, we can attach this unit to our generator. We haven’t had to use the generator yet, but we did use the portable unit when our central air broke down a couple of times. It just cools one room with a door closed, but it keeps it nice and that’s where we stayed. It’s been a while, so I can’t remember the cost of it. The bra boob coolers are probably less expensive. 😉 I completely get it, so I hope the heat doesn’t last too long for you.


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

      Lori, I feel for you. I do. I have window units, but high ceilings, so it takes quite a long time to get to about 77 degrees. I can’t get it cooler than that. The portable seems like a good idea, especially for you!


  4. rheath40 July 18, 2013 at 1:40 pm #

    Pure Romance has this great stuff you put on your sheets soak up the ‘wet spot’. Works wonders for ‘swoobs’ too. Of course I just slide some Secret antiperspirant under mine. Then hike the girls up as high as I can and that works too. Hang in there La La. At least it ain’t snowin’.


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 1:45 pm #

      Haha, swoobs. I didn’t know there was a thing for the spot!!! Genius.


  5. Maggie O'C July 18, 2013 at 3:01 pm #

    I love the east coast but I don’t miss the summers, my girls couldn’t take it.


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 3:11 pm #

      The air was nice and crisp over there!


  6. Carrie Rubin July 18, 2013 at 3:27 pm #

    Leave it to La La to introduce us to all these weird and wonderful cooling devices. I’m getting my credit card ready…


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 4:26 pm #

      For which one! Haha


      • Carrie Rubin July 18, 2013 at 4:35 pm #

        All of them, of course. 😉


        • La La July 18, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

          Well the cooling strips would be good for exercising if they stay in place. Just saying.


  7. Johnny Ojanpera July 18, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    Down South, we call it “crisco crotch”. It started one day while we were watching old men with heavy polyester pants playing golf in 100 degree weather, with their hands constantly tugging on the seat of their pants.


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 4:27 pm #

      Hahaha that is perfect!


  8. Ashley Austrew July 18, 2013 at 4:23 pm #

    Cooling breast cream? Can I rub it all over my body? lol


    • La La July 18, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

      I don’t see why not, could be nice. I’d like to be a walking breeze!


  9. merbear74 July 18, 2013 at 6:23 pm #

    I am with you! I think mosquito’s were doing the backstroke in my cleavage..


  10. My Nomad Life July 18, 2013 at 7:04 pm #

    Haha, this post made me laugh. We’re in a heatwave here too.


  11. July 18, 2013 at 10:14 pm #

    Its 101 here at 10:13 pm. I WANT THE COOLING PADS !!!

    PS: how did you do the lil degree symbol ….?


  12. gingerfightback July 19, 2013 at 5:23 am #

    It is warm even in the UK – the breast friends look a crafty idea – would they work on or around testicles? scrotum hocum would be a good name, nifty even.


    • La La July 19, 2013 at 8:14 am #

      HAHA I love that idea! Perfect for the occasional heatwave and exercising.


  13. David Stewart July 19, 2013 at 9:15 am #

    I’m not sure how that USB cooling pad works, but it just looks like a heating pad to me. Also, Little Stinker cooling cream? Sounds like it’s made for dudes.


    • La La July 19, 2013 at 10:05 am #

      All I know is that the seat was made in Japan. I thought that at first about the cooling cream but I guess it meant because babies hurt the skin so they are little stinkers. I could totally market it as a reference to guys though…


  14. Cordelia July 19, 2013 at 11:46 am #

    Seriously, it’s the under boob sweat that’s the worst…well, and the humidity that makes my hair go all Gene Wilder in the original Willy Wonka…not the creepy version with Johnny Depp what the hell WAS that…wait, where was I…


  15. R. Hans Miller July 19, 2013 at 11:57 am #

    Great. Thanks to your “swamp ass” comment, everyone knows I’m surfing the net and laughing like an idiot…


    • La La July 19, 2013 at 12:50 pm #

      Haha, just pretend you’re crazy. That’s what I do.


      • R. Hans Miller July 19, 2013 at 1:15 pm #

        For some of us, it isn’t pretending. 🙂


  16. BrainRants July 19, 2013 at 12:09 pm #

    It’s pretty toasty here in Kansas now too. I sympathize, and can confirm that swamp ass is something to be endured. Boxers help the air circulate, just saying. Boob sweat, however, is highly underrated.


    • La La July 19, 2013 at 12:52 pm #

      That makes sense, although I always imagined boxers are just like extra shorts. How hot we talking?


      • BrainRants July 19, 2013 at 1:30 pm #

        It’s been around 100, without the wet bulb taken into consideration. Yukkity.


        • La La July 19, 2013 at 3:56 pm #



  17. Diane C July 20, 2013 at 2:34 pm #

    Where I am it hit 104 last week but it is bone dry. I lived in Japan for 3 years and we would get temperatures of about 98 but 100% humidity. I would take 104 and dry any time. Still, wouldn’t mind some of those “Breast Friend” pads to give me some breasticles!


    • La La July 20, 2013 at 2:41 pm #

      Awesome about Japan! I’ve always wanted to go there. From what I hear, dry heat is the way to go. It gets so humid here, hence the frizzies. Trust me though, you’re better off laying low on the breasticles–they’re always in the way.


  18. Margaret Grant July 20, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    Hilarious! I want that butt cushion in my car. I hate sweating.


    • La La July 20, 2013 at 3:54 pm #

      It may help with road rage!


  19. ddupre315 July 20, 2013 at 6:59 pm #

    I can attest to the heat and humidity in Japan and it has only just begun. From what I hear it will get much worse in August. This is my first year here so we shall see. I use talc a lot, it helps some and we have little dehumidifier buckets in a couple of rooms that draws the moisture out.

    You can also get cooling packs: these are expensive ones but you can find them cheaper.

    I feel for you, I spent 3 weeks in Florida without power during the 5 hurricanes that hit. No a/c, no fans, no ice, no chilled water/drinks and we couldn’t use the tap water for showers. It was a stinky mess in Melbourne.


    • La La July 21, 2013 at 9:21 am #

      Good idea with humidifiers and picks! I was in Florida for a brief stint last summer….3 weeks without power! I don’t know how you survived it. That’s insane. It’s still hot here but I’m grateful it isn’t that.


  20. Riya Anne Polcastro July 21, 2013 at 2:12 am #

    Soooo want the USB butt cooler that is awesome!


    • La La July 21, 2013 at 9:14 am #

      Right? Such a brilliant idea!!


  21. Anonymous July 22, 2013 at 3:35 pm #

    Those bra pads feel good if you put them in your pants, FYI.


    • La La July 22, 2013 at 5:01 pm #



  22. Andrew July 22, 2013 at 8:57 pm #

    The ingenuity of these products are a true testament to mans will to overcome nature. Someday…


  23. savioni August 1, 2013 at 12:53 am #

    Flippantly delightful!


    • La La August 2, 2013 at 9:57 am #

      Why thank you, sir!


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