Hot and Bothered

18 Jul

At 4 pm today, right when I get off work, it will be 98° with a heat index of 110°. Today is one of those days I fully regret not buying a house with central air conditioning. I know, I know–I shouldn’t be complaining, but I’m hot. Like, really hot. If you were inside my shirt or pants, you would understand.

Humidity and thick heat get me really worked up, people, and it isn’t even the good kind. As the temperature rises, I feel a pressure build inside of me that when at its zenith, may actually result in me screaming at and slapping everyone who tries to speak to me.

Also, it makes my hair frizzy and my body sweaty. Sure, cold water will keep me hydrated, but it doesn’t stop the sweating of my heaving, voluptuous bosom. I’m sweating at this very moment and wearing white today and I swear that if I bounced around and giggled unintelligently I could win all the spring break wet t-shirt contests right about now.

And my hindquarters? Just fucking forget about it. If my posterior portion’s climate equals that of a rain forest, you men must feel like you’re in the pits of hell with all that body hair. Seriously, your butts must be so uncomfortable with all that swamp ass. My respect goes out to you, fine sirs.

So anyway, instead of working today I found a few cool things on the internets that might help and I wish I had invented all of them so I could afford a house with central air. If you have more ideas, please feel free to comment and save the world from my T&A issues!


First of all, there’s this USB butt cooling cushion:



and then there’s butt cooling cream that cyclists use:



and ladies, there’s cooling cream for your boobs, too. Nursing women use it, but sweaty girls can too, and probably those dudes with man boobs:



and finally,”My Breast Friend” cooling pads that go inside your bra:


48 Responses to “Hot and Bothered”

  1. Bob at 1:20 pm #

    Good products! Though I must admit your post made me rather warm, Canada is in the grips of the heat too! Time to turn up the AC. 😉


    • La La at 1:23 pm #

      Oh, Canada.


      • Bob at 1:26 pm #

        Our hot and sweaty land, heads drip from heat it’s more than we can stand!


  2. twindaddy at 1:25 pm #

    Good ol’ swamp ass. Is it winter yet?


    • La La at 1:27 pm #

      You must be dying in that suit.


      • twindaddy at 1:36 pm #

        It’s horrid. You don’t wanna know…


  3. Lori D at 1:31 pm #

    Now you know why I don’t like living in Florida. That kind of heat lasts for five months without any breaks. I would not live here without central a/c. I’m very much the same as you when I get too hot. Let’s just say that PMS pales in comparison. Do you have any kind of a/c at all? A window unit? We have a portable a/c unit with wheels. We bought it years ago for in case we have a hurricane that knocks out electricity, we can attach this unit to our generator. We haven’t had to use the generator yet, but we did use the portable unit when our central air broke down a couple of times. It just cools one room with a door closed, but it keeps it nice and that’s where we stayed. It’s been a while, so I can’t remember the cost of it. The bra boob coolers are probably less expensive. 😉 I completely get it, so I hope the heat doesn’t last too long for you.


    • La La at 1:44 pm #

      Lori, I feel for you. I do. I have window units, but high ceilings, so it takes quite a long time to get to about 77 degrees. I can’t get it cooler than that. The portable seems like a good idea, especially for you!


  4. rheath40 at 1:40 pm #

    Pure Romance has this great stuff you put on your sheets soak up the ‘wet spot’. Works wonders for ‘swoobs’ too. Of course I just slide some Secret antiperspirant under mine. Then hike the girls up as high as I can and that works too. Hang in there La La. At least it ain’t snowin’.


    • La La at 1:45 pm #

      Haha, swoobs. I didn’t know there was a thing for the spot!!! Genius.


  5. Maggie O'C at 3:01 pm #

    I love the east coast but I don’t miss the summers, my girls couldn’t take it.


    • La La at 3:11 pm #

      The air was nice and crisp over there!


  6. Carrie Rubin at 3:27 pm #

    Leave it to La La to introduce us to all these weird and wonderful cooling devices. I’m getting my credit card ready…


    • La La at 4:26 pm #

      For which one! Haha


      • Carrie Rubin at 4:35 pm #

        All of them, of course. 😉


        • La La at 5:15 pm #

          Well the cooling strips would be good for exercising if they stay in place. Just saying.


  7. Johnny Ojanpera at 3:43 pm #

    Down South, we call it “crisco crotch”. It started one day while we were watching old men with heavy polyester pants playing golf in 100 degree weather, with their hands constantly tugging on the seat of their pants.


    • La La at 4:27 pm #

      Hahaha that is perfect!


  8. Ashley Austrew at 4:23 pm #

    Cooling breast cream? Can I rub it all over my body? lol


    • La La at 4:28 pm #

      I don’t see why not, could be nice. I’d like to be a walking breeze!


  9. merbear74 at 6:23 pm #

    I am with you! I think mosquito’s were doing the backstroke in my cleavage..


  10. My Nomad Life at 7:04 pm #

    Haha, this post made me laugh. We’re in a heatwave here too.


  11. at 10:14 pm #

    Its 101 here at 10:13 pm. I WANT THE COOLING PADS !!!

    PS: how did you do the lil degree symbol ….?


  12. gingerfightback at 5:23 am #

    It is warm even in the UK – the breast friends look a crafty idea – would they work on or around testicles? scrotum hocum would be a good name, nifty even.


    • La La at 8:14 am #

      HAHA I love that idea! Perfect for the occasional heatwave and exercising.


  13. David Stewart at 9:15 am #

    I’m not sure how that USB cooling pad works, but it just looks like a heating pad to me. Also, Little Stinker cooling cream? Sounds like it’s made for dudes.


    • La La at 10:05 am #

      All I know is that the seat was made in Japan. I thought that at first about the cooling cream but I guess it meant because babies hurt the skin so they are little stinkers. I could totally market it as a reference to guys though…


  14. Cordelia at 11:46 am #

    Seriously, it’s the under boob sweat that’s the worst…well, and the humidity that makes my hair go all Gene Wilder in the original Willy Wonka…not the creepy version with Johnny Depp what the hell WAS that…wait, where was I…


  15. R. Hans Miller at 11:57 am #

    Great. Thanks to your “swamp ass” comment, everyone knows I’m surfing the net and laughing like an idiot…


    • La La at 12:50 pm #

      Haha, just pretend you’re crazy. That’s what I do.


  16. BrainRants at 12:09 pm #

    It’s pretty toasty here in Kansas now too. I sympathize, and can confirm that swamp ass is something to be endured. Boxers help the air circulate, just saying. Boob sweat, however, is highly underrated.


    • La La at 12:52 pm #

      That makes sense, although I always imagined boxers are just like extra shorts. How hot we talking?


      • BrainRants at 1:30 pm #

        It’s been around 100, without the wet bulb taken into consideration. Yukkity.


  17. Diane C at 2:34 pm #

    Where I am it hit 104 last week but it is bone dry. I lived in Japan for 3 years and we would get temperatures of about 98 but 100% humidity. I would take 104 and dry any time. Still, wouldn’t mind some of those “Breast Friend” pads to give me some breasticles!


    • La La at 2:41 pm #

      Awesome about Japan! I’ve always wanted to go there. From what I hear, dry heat is the way to go. It gets so humid here, hence the frizzies. Trust me though, you’re better off laying low on the breasticles–they’re always in the way.


  18. Margaret Grant at 3:50 pm #

    Hilarious! I want that butt cushion in my car. I hate sweating.


    • La La at 3:54 pm #

      It may help with road rage!


  19. ddupre315 at 6:59 pm #

    I can attest to the heat and humidity in Japan and it has only just begun. From what I hear it will get much worse in August. This is my first year here so we shall see. I use talc a lot, it helps some and we have little dehumidifier buckets in a couple of rooms that draws the moisture out.

    You can also get cooling packs: these are expensive ones but you can find them cheaper.

    I feel for you, I spent 3 weeks in Florida without power during the 5 hurricanes that hit. No a/c, no fans, no ice, no chilled water/drinks and we couldn’t use the tap water for showers. It was a stinky mess in Melbourne.


    • La La at 9:21 am #

      Good idea with humidifiers and picks! I was in Florida for a brief stint last summer….3 weeks without power! I don’t know how you survived it. That’s insane. It’s still hot here but I’m grateful it isn’t that.


  20. Riya Anne Polcastro at 2:12 am #

    Soooo want the USB butt cooler that is awesome!


    • La La at 9:14 am #

      Right? Such a brilliant idea!!


  21. Anonymous at 3:35 pm #

    Those bra pads feel good if you put them in your pants, FYI.


  22. Andrew at 8:57 pm #

    The ingenuity of these products are a true testament to mans will to overcome nature. Someday…


  23. savioni at 12:53 am #

    Flippantly delightful!


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