Sean Rants

26 Aug

I’ve been busy with a few things, so today I am turning this space over to my boyfriend Sean, who apparently drank a lot of coffee this morning and had a few things to get off his chest. A little bit about him…Sean is a talented graphic designer and Marine Corps veteran. Also, I think he’s super cute.

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Sometimes I like to divulge in a fresh cup of coffee loaded with sugar and creamer, open up my laptop, and rant about whatever’s on my mind. This usually happens around eight-thirty in the morning, right after I’ve awoken from my melatonin-induced coma. I’ll sip that cup of coffee, check my e-mail, click around and read the news before eventually letting my fingers whirl about the keyboard as they relay the thoughts which fly about my caffeinated head. Maybe I’ll leave a clever post on Facebook which I spent five minutes conjuring up, only to delete it thirty seconds later because I didn’t like the way it sounded. I might also Tweet something that I instantly trash because I hate Twitter and only kept the account activated because I won tickets to The Colbert Report last week because of a Tweet they liked about the Golden Girls and now they follow me–a moment that is now in my top ten list of thing’s I’m proud of, right next to the time I got third place in Carnival Cruise’s “Hairiest Chest Competition,” which included being in a conga line with a woman who taped her husband’s hair on her chest to compete. You can’t make that shit up. Fuckin’-A, that caffeine is kicking in.
 
So anyway, I figured I would give the caffeine rant a shot on Lauren’s blog–it’s longer than 140 characters and I’ll spare everyone on my newsfeed from seeing me post six revisions of the same thing. Today’s topic: 
 
Top Three Caffeine-Fueled Music-Related Complaints Of The Month.
 

1. We get it, overzealous music enthusiast at the local dive bar who played the Old Crowe Medicine Show version of “Wagon Wheel” on the jukebox. You like the original song, compared to the new Darius Rucker rendition. We get it. We get the fact that you’re so well-rehearsed and have such a database of music that you went in the backlog files of your elitist brain and wanted to show-off your knowledge and vast taste in a song made in 2004 and get all cocky about it and look around in the sea of people and feel liberated and high and mighty that you were the one who chose to enlighten our pathetic brains that Darius Rucker was not the creator of that song and that it was, in fact, Old Crowe Medicine Show. Well, fuck you. I don’t care. I like Darius’ version better. He’s a cool dude who had some of the cast from ‘Duck Dynasty’ in his video and drove around in an old truck and yeah the video is kind of stupid because they just drive around in an old truck, but I don’t care. I like the song. I don’t care about Old Crowe or their fucking Medicinal Show. I’m sure they’ve got some other good songs. I’m sure they’re a good band. I’m sure I’ll download their shit off of Pirate Bay in the next twenty minutes and like it, but shut up.
 
2. Next? Radiohead. I hate Radiohead. There, I said it. A cat in a litter box could compose the same moans and groans over instrumentals and keyboard beats. I don’t like listening to a band who blatantly tries to make me feel inferior while listening to them. Their interviews make me want to punch a small bird. I don’t care about your depression. I get depressed. I get anxiety. It comes and goes. It’s good to talk about it, it’s good to relate about it, but I don’t need to hear you whine about it in multiple songs of self-pity or sorrow, Thom Yorke. Even your name is pretentious, buddy. Thom with a fucking “H”? Get out. Just GET OUT. I don’t have anything against the fans of Radiohead, to each their own, I just can’t stand the band. I could make a Radiohead song in four minutes; open up the Garage Band App, choose a bunch of depressing noises, then moan and groan for ten hours while sounding like I am high on Oxycontin. Next.
 
3. Lastly, for some reason we tried to give pop culture another try, so we watched The MTV VMAs that aired last night. We watched only ten minutes before I had to slap myself and take a whippit of Glade potpourri in attempt to erase what I saw. First off, Betty Ford must be rolling over in her grave. Whoever can go back in time and stop Billy Ray Cyrus from fornicating 20 years ago and producing the attention-whore we now know as “Miley,” should automatically get a Nobel Peace Prize and be bathed in riches and gold for the rest of their lives. My God. And hey, apparently Beetlejuice was summoned last night by the one and only Robin Thicke. He looked like a sleazy Michael Bublé knockoff who just slipped a date-rape drug in a middle-aged woman’s cocktail at a Palm Springs nightclub. His wife must have enjoyed witnessing a party-crazed Miley grinding on her husband’s NFL referee pants. A couple rappers also joined on stage to participate in the visual regurgitation that took place, so let’s talk about that for a minute. Apparently the term “rapper” is very loosely defined these days. I suppose anyone with nothing to say can get a record deal in that industry. Since the show took place in Brooklyn, New York City, I also feel horrible for all the 80’s & 90’s rappers who worked hard to build up the once-respected, street-credibility-thriving borough which was once home to the legendary Notorious B.I.G. Quite a lot has changed Brooklyn’s image since then.
 
The morning after the VMAs, Brooklyn awoke in Robin Thicke’s hotel room and did the walk of shame down hipster-populated streets. Gone were the echoes of pride once found in L.L. Cool J’s “I represent Queens, she was raised out in Brooklyn.” No more were The Beastie Boys to be found, taking pride in getting “No Sleep till Brooklyn.” She strolled to Starbucks, ordered a mocha latte and sat down, putting on her sunglasses to hide the shame. Then, to add insult to injury, a coked-out Miley Cyrus noticed her and sat down at the end table with her, bantering about last night’s after party. MTV had ruined a lot of things. This time, they ruined Brooklyn.

 
Phew. The End.

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34 Responses to “Sean Rants”

  1. wakinyanwinyan August 26, 2013 at 3:12 pm #

    You had me at:

    “And hey, apparently Beetlejuice was summoned last night by the one and only Robin Thicke. He looked like a sleazy Michael Bublé knockoff who just slipped a date-rape drug in a middle-aged woman’s cocktail at a Palm Springs nightclub.”

    Yes. Oh my fucking god yes. I love you.

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:14 pm #

      Hehe, it’s just so true!

      Like

  2. rheath40 August 26, 2013 at 3:32 pm #

    OMFG I’m exhausted and need a nap. I love Sean forever. Gimme MORE!

    As for Radio Head, the only song I like is Creep. The other songs suck big donkey dick. There I said it, so sue me. Or bite my ass. Whatevs.

    Love, love, love this so much….

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:46 pm #

      He’ll do more, it was awesome!

      Like

      • rheath40 August 26, 2013 at 3:52 pm #

        Yes darling, it was!

        Like

  3. Katie August 26, 2013 at 3:43 pm #

    I still need to actually witness the horror that is this Miley performance. The GIFs are not enough.

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:45 pm #

      What’s funny is that I didn’t see that part, and he told me not to look for it. He said it was bad, but I did–I looked it up…and you need to as well. Don’t do so while eating though.

      Like

  4. Twindaddy August 26, 2013 at 3:47 pm #

    Do this again.

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

      🙂

      Like

  5. Carrie Rubin August 26, 2013 at 3:50 pm #

    I’ve heard so much about this Miley thing now, I’m going to have to check it out. On second thought, maybe I shouldn’t…

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:53 pm #

      Actually…maybe you should, just for the knowledge that it exists. Xoxo

      Like

  6. Jen and Tonic August 26, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

    I hate awards shows in general, but I REALLY hate the MTV movie awards because it’s a bunch of coked up barely legals trying to outdo each other. Miley Cyrus stated that she was legitimately trying to one up the Britney and Madonna kiss from a decade ago. So she put on a gummy bear suit and humped a foam finger? I mean, if that’s all it takes, I just need a bottle of Jim Beam, and I can do the same.

    Like

    • Jen and Tonic August 26, 2013 at 3:58 pm #

      Also, Sean should start a blog.

      Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 3:59 pm #

      Yeah, that would be fucking hilarious.

      Like

  7. jai August 26, 2013 at 4:08 pm #

    Damn it! I’m totally one of those Old Crow preachers!! I now see the error of my ways and will seize in educating the masses about the original version. On the real though OCMS gives me goose bumps and i implore you to check out the other tracks from their album that contains wagon wheel.

    Like

  8. Kate F August 26, 2013 at 4:41 pm #

    bravo! I do have one correction to this amazing essay. She would never be caught in a Starbucks. Her walk of shame found her at Tar Pit where she ordered a French Press coffee for $8 with a shot of wheat grass to help her hangover.

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 4:44 pm #

      Hahaha thank you for the correction, Kate, that’s awesome. I’ll be sure never to take Sean there. 😉

      Like

  9. Madame Weebles August 26, 2013 at 5:42 pm #

    I happen to like Radiohead but I almost peed when I read “Their interviews make me want to punch a small bird.” And your observations about the Miley and Robin Show make me so very happy. So very, very happy.

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 5:46 pm #

      I thought you might appreciate that part, Weebs!

      Like

  10. 1jaded1 August 26, 2013 at 11:11 pm #

    So funny. Everyone at work was talking about the VMA, and how it was no good. Again, glad I have no tv…

    Like

    • La La August 26, 2013 at 11:14 pm #

      I don’t have cable…but having the internet at works allows me to find the way. I say good for you though! Not having cable has allowed plenty of other wonderful things! 🙂

      Like

  11. theclocktowersunset August 27, 2013 at 2:50 am #

    Sean should blog. And Brooklyn needs to keep that walk of shame going down to the corner store to get a couple/few quarts of ‘Ol E, and some Brass Monkey to take down to the park, sit down and figure out where she lost her way.

    Like

  12. gingerfightback August 27, 2013 at 4:52 am #

    Spot on about Radiohead – pretentious knob twiddlers

    Like

  13. talesfromthemotherland August 27, 2013 at 12:27 pm #

    Great fun here! I too l love Radiohead (there, I said it!) but the bit about cats in their litter box, very funny! The Miley debacle… it was all over the news, so I had to watch it… having missed the VMAs (which I generally record, but forgot this year), and retch, retch and more retch. Seriously horrible stuff. Disney must love the shit they birth.

    Like

    • La La August 27, 2013 at 9:11 pm #

      Surely they must….bless them. Sean says he will forgive your interest in Radiohead. 😉

      Like

  14. Lori D August 27, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

    Thanks for the laughs Sean & Lauren. And, thanks for your service Sir Sean. 🙂

    Like

    • La La August 28, 2013 at 8:30 am #

      Xoxo

      Like

  15. David Stewart August 28, 2013 at 8:15 am #

    Mmmm, coffee…

    Like

    • La La August 28, 2013 at 8:31 am #

      Just woke up and I think it’s time!

      Like

  16. Kathleen August 29, 2013 at 8:54 pm #

    re: “Also, I think he’s super cute.” I am posting the same reply as I posted to your boobs post. Where the hell are the pictures?

    Leaving now to search for the VMA debacle, but I’m sure to be back so I can join the retch-fest.

    Like

  17. Kathleen August 29, 2013 at 9:29 pm #

    OH MY! My computer is so old and slow, that after only about 14 seconds, I was unable to watch the 2013 VMA videos I found online. OH MY! WHAT A SHAME.

    . . . 14 seconds was retch-worthy enough.

    Like

  18. Andrew August 6, 2014 at 10:54 pm #

    I feel more privileged than anyone else here, because I get to talk to Sean over video screen. “Makes me want to punch a small bird” Why doesn’t Sean do more of these?!!

    Like

    • La La August 6, 2014 at 10:55 pm #

      (that’s what I’m saying, dude, that’s what I’m saying)

      Like

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