I Hate The Gym: Part I

18 Mar

Lots of people on Facebook often go to the gym and enjoy boasting about their workouts. In their defense, I suppose I’d be proud of convincing myself to drive to a stinky gym after a long day of work, too.

Personally, I  don’t like gyms.  I do my own fitness routines at my house in my cold basement where the lighting is low and no one is around to see my boob sweat or watch me pick a wedgie. I’m an introvert, but it’s not my personality that makes me hate gyms so much. It’s more that I don’t like spending money for the following:

1. Waiting in line just to run in place, especially since running outside is available.

2.  Trainers yelling at me. Some people are into that, I know, but I’m more into positive motivation. I used to take a kickboxing class with the Ravens trainer and he often screamed at me and one time he called me a “lazy mare.” Actually, what he said was, “I said speed kicks, you lazy mare!” Whatever. The joke was obviously on him because horses don’t even know about kickboxing.

3. Strange men with large muscles staring at me.

4. Old naked ladies in the locker room trying to converse with me and coming way too close with their weird boobs.

5. People watching my fitness class. I like the classes themselves, but it’s a bit like being part of a zoo exhibit…except I’m doing Zumba.

6. Yoga. I love yoga, but I prefer to do it alone because everyone knows not to trust hippy farts in a hot room.

7. Sweating or breathing heavily in front of other people–for some reason it reminds me of the way I feel when eating hot dogs in front of other people. I’d prefer to eat my hot dogs alone, thank you very much.


70 Responses to “I Hate The Gym: Part I”

  1. David Stewart March 18, 2014 at 8:12 am #

    I agree; I’m not a fan of the gym, although mostly because I’d rather go biking outside, which has fresh air and is free. My wife goes every day and has all the old men staring at her. But then they saw how much she lifts and now they all say hi to her.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:19 am #

      So you don’t like biking in place. It’s just too boring, there needs to be exploring involved. Although I could see going for weights! I hope she flexes. 🙂


      • David Stewart March 18, 2014 at 8:33 am #

        I used to go to lift weights, but it doesn’t really interest me. We should all have private gyms at home, right? I could ride bike in place if I was watching a movie or reading with no one else around.


        • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:44 am #

          That’s true, a movie would be nice and Lord of the Rings would have us fit in like one day.


  2. Sean Smithson March 18, 2014 at 8:15 am #

    Sorry about #3. Naturally I’m assuming my boner counts as a large muscle. Badum tsssh!


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:20 am #

      I just woke up and am so hungover, but at least I’m laughing. Thank you!


      • Sean Smithson March 18, 2014 at 8:22 am #

        Hey, it’s about time I returned the favour, right?

        Drinking on a Monday night… La La, I’ve met my soul mate.


        • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:24 am #

          Why oh why do I never learn my lessssson? Hmmm, and interestingly, every guy who drinks on a Monday or Tuesday at the bar thinks I am his soul mate.


  3. YankeeDoodleSaudi March 18, 2014 at 8:15 am #

    I also prefer to eat my nitrates in private….unless of course I’m at Camden Yards….then there is nothing more enjoyable than eating a hot dog in a crowd of thousands! 🙂


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:22 am #

      Haha, except when you end up on the jumbo screen with a giant hot dog in your mouth when on a first date!


  4. Eva March 18, 2014 at 8:18 am #

    And your list is the reasons I work out at home as well. I like sweating my ass off in the privacy of my home.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:25 am #

      It is a better sweat too because you can really get into it when no one is watching!


      • Eva March 18, 2014 at 3:48 pm #

        Exactly… until our 7 year-old comes downstairs and starts imitating me.


  5. nesabuj27 March 18, 2014 at 8:40 am #

    i always thought of joining one of those gym clubs after my degree but guess what i better not because i am also an introvert,,an intense introvert infact and i definitely dont like trainers yelling at me,,,,,but i love working out which i do everyday in my university gym club,,,,we dont have a trainer at our university,, we just do it by watching videos on youtube and all,,,so are u suggesting that we are better off without the trainer????


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 8:42 am #

      Haha no no it was just that trainer. He wasn’t nice. The other ones were fine!


  6. El Guapo March 18, 2014 at 9:10 am #

    But would you let people watch when you were eating hotdogs while doing Zumba?

    I like gyms so I can show off my workout mankini.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 9:28 am #

      A workout mankini and socks that come up to mid-calf, I hope.

      And if I could eat a hot dog while doing merengue, I just might. That’s talent.


      • El Guapo March 18, 2014 at 9:36 am #

        Don’t forget the workout sandals I wear with that outfit!


        • La La March 18, 2014 at 11:18 am #

          It’s perfect. Truly perfect.


  7. pastramibasket March 18, 2014 at 9:23 am #

    I have the same problem with #4. Repeatedly I tell the staff about these old women following me into the men’s locker room but they dismiss it for some reason. And what’s the deal with this hot yoga? Why do people do this in the summer time?


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 9:32 am #

      Hahaha, I may do the same when I’m 80.

      Good question. I don’t know why people do that in summer…why would you pay for that? Maybe I’m just poor.


      • pastramibasket March 18, 2014 at 11:54 am #

        No, you are 100% correct. Why pay for it? You can easily stretch out sweaty and creepily in a park for free.


  8. Twindaddy March 18, 2014 at 10:00 am #

    Is something wrong with eating hot dogs in front of others? Do you feel vulnerable for some reason when you do that? Humm? HMMMMM?????


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 11:17 am #

      One time I was on the jumbotron at Orioles stadium just as I was biting into a hot dog. You can’t blame me!


      • Twindaddy March 18, 2014 at 11:26 am #

        LMAO. I’m sure no innuendo was involved at all.


  9. Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 10:41 am #

    I’m a loner when it comes to exercise – except hot yoga, I enjoy that group experience because one you’re in class, and it’s hot you forget everyone but yourself, but you still get that vibe of being part of something bigger. But for the most part, I don’t want a ‘friend’ to work out with, I don’t need a buddy to encourage me.. I just need myself and my music –


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 11:20 am #

      Yes music is very necessary. I see what you’re saying. I like yoga in my house–there are a couple great videos from youtube. For some reason I can’t forget the people around me when it’s a group and I start criticizing my poses.


      • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 11:26 am #

        That, I’ve learned, is part of the moving meditation of the practice – (ok, here’s the boring serious part)…to kind of forget everyone else and learn to look at yourself with a ‘gentle’ eye and maintain that (Drishti)…and I don’t wear my eyeglasses – which helps me not be too critical.

        I would never go to a group aerobics class (or jesu forefend, Zumba…the music would make me crazy) – but I can do group Bikram Yoga b/c it’s so intense and personal that the others don’t matter in the way that I usually get annoyed – but I love being part of that community of people – they feed something in me that I’d not noticed I was wanting prior. I know it sounds hippy/dipy – but it’s not.. and not any wind-relieving going on in my class 🙂


        • La La March 18, 2014 at 11:56 am #

          I could try it again, I do like the energy of it and that part of the “bettering ourselves all around” outcome (which isn’t always easy to achieve from a youtube video). Just never try Buti Yoga..although I suggest looking it up on youtube and watching part of a video for a laugh followed by the realization that there is no hope. You’ll understand what I mean.


          • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 12:20 pm #

            I will look – I seriously have no Yoga groove unless it’s Birkram… I’d rather do T’ai Chi – I like the moving meditation and repetition.

            I think some of this stuff either sticks or it doesn’t. Much of those kinds of repetitive practices rely on not ‘doing it right’ b/c – really if you started off doing it ‘right’ there’s no point – it’s the progression along the way that I find to be really fabulous. But I do feel exactly like you about the gym. I’d rather be by myself – with some shoes to run, or a bicycle to bike.. or feet to walk. I have worked out at home for years – I think that exercise that is ‘ready to hand’ is much more long term for me – except Bikram – it’s truly, for me. something entirely different than slogging to the gym.


            • La La March 18, 2014 at 12:28 pm #

              Good point on the doing it right….hadn’t thought of it that way! I guess that’s why it’s a “practice.” 🙂


            • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 12:32 pm #

              🙂 – when I was taking T’ai Chi, we always had that person that just was obsessed with being perfect – and there are people that practice ONE move for YEARS – just one move…it’s letting go of that idea of ‘perfect’ – it’s hard b/c we are conditioned for the ‘practice makes perfect’ mentality – only in our culture do we have ‘accelerated meditation’ classes … Nirvana? Am I there yet? Am I there yet?…

              Mostly it’s the philosophy of ‘do it again’ – then some more!

              Hope I’m not boring you with all the serious talk ~


            • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 12:35 pm #

              Buti Yoga – is twerking yoga…


            • La La March 18, 2014 at 12:39 pm #

              HAHA exactly. That’s exactly what it is.


            • Rutabaga the Mercenary Researcher March 18, 2014 at 12:43 pm #

              I’m pretty sure I’m past the age for respectable twerking – I’d just look like I was having a muscle spasm or some kind of seizure.


  10. Lori D March 18, 2014 at 11:30 am #

    OMG, I can’t believe I found someone else who hates gyms! I tried gyms, but I just didn’t get the appeal. I agree with your reasons, but I also didn’t like forcing myself to get all ready to drive somewhere to workout when I could do it at home. I have my own shower too, with my own germs. 🙂 Finally, someone who gets it.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 11:33 am #

      Yes, and you basically have to pack a bag if you shower there. Perhaps I’m just lazy, but I’d be happier packing for a trip. I got your email by the way, and will be checking out your post soon!


  11. Amy Reese March 18, 2014 at 1:56 pm #

    A lazy mare. That guy is mean. I think he needs a punch in the face, and I’m not a violent person, La La.


  12. The Philosophunculist March 18, 2014 at 2:32 pm #

    It was hard for me to get over all that too……now I just go, get my stuff done, and don’t look at anybody…..


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 2:38 pm #

      Haha, that’s a good plan. At the end of the day I’m just too lazy.


  13. Carrie Rubin March 18, 2014 at 4:33 pm #

    I’m with you on this one. I only work out at home unless I’m at a hotel. Even then, I’ll bring exercise DVDs to play on my laptop. Occasionally I’ll go to the hotel gym if I don’t want to wake my family (those lazy slackers), but like you said, I feel like a zoo animal on display. Unless it’s in a closed off room the size of a closet where there’s only me and one other person running on the treadmills in such close proximity we risk wearing the other one’s sweat. That’s always pleasant…


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 5:51 pm #

      Good idea about the laptop. YouTube has given me some free good ones too!


  14. Jen and Tonic March 18, 2014 at 5:41 pm #

    I despise the gym. I am not opposed to working out (hiking, biking, walking are all awesome) but there is something about the gym I absolutely hate. Years ago, I worked out at a YMCA, and I swear to god that it smelled like menopause and farts in there. A very demotivating odor which is probably why I gained 15 pounds that year.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 5:47 pm #

      Incredibly demotivating, I’m not surprised it wasn’t a your year to get ripped. And also, this is exceptionally uncanny, but when I read the word “farts,” I actually farted. I think it means we’re soul sisters.


      • Jen and Tonic March 18, 2014 at 7:21 pm #

        We should really get together sometime and just fart. Definitely worth the trip to the East Coast.


  15. ddupre315 March 18, 2014 at 6:43 pm #

    I do the gym, when I am motivated…a. because it’s free for me and 2. because I can keep track of my blood pressure – being hypertensive and diabetic I worry about overdoing it. It’s hard to get my ass there though, I don’t like the group setting thing either. I’m way too self conscious for it but I must keep doing it.


    • La La March 19, 2014 at 10:16 am #

      Ok well that’s fair. I should have mentioned that it is good for keeping track of things like that! When I joined a gym, having someone give directions on certain machines and help monitor me was indeed helpful.


  16. Trent Lewin March 18, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

    Strange old men with muscles stare at me in the gym all the time. So do the strange young men with muscles. And most of the other men too. I just turn my music up louder.


    • La La March 18, 2014 at 10:44 pm #

      That’s what I did too. Just look at the floor and listen to your music and maybe they’ll stop noticing!


      • Trent Lewin March 19, 2014 at 9:46 pm #

        Did you ever read my stupid gym story?


        • La La March 19, 2014 at 9:57 pm #

          I did. I had it in mind when writing this!


          • Trent Lewin March 19, 2014 at 9:59 pm #

            So. When do we get part 2?


            • La La March 19, 2014 at 10:00 pm #

              Tomorrow! I wrote about what I do instead of go to the gym. There are a couple moves for you in there.


            • Trent Lewin March 19, 2014 at 10:04 pm #

              I need all the moves I can get, La La. Cheers – looking forward to Part 2. You are always a great read.


            • La La March 19, 2014 at 10:06 pm #

              Haha, you’re in for a good time then. And thank you, you’re always too kind!


  17. Chowderhead March 19, 2014 at 12:06 am #

    FUCK gyms. I agree. Although, I don’t normally have a problem with boob sweat. I mean, not personally, but I don’t mind staring at while it’s happening on somebody else. And I wrote down “Lazy Mare” too, right after I Googled “Mare”. Who says this?


    • La La March 19, 2014 at 8:31 am #

      Boob sweat, the silent killer. British people say it I guess haha. I’ve also been called “cheeky mare.” Still not a horse.


  18. The Cutter March 19, 2014 at 9:56 am #

    My theory is: If women didn’t want to be stared at while at the gym, they wouldn’t have made an effort to better themselves or to get in shape. They are obviously asking for it.


    • La La March 19, 2014 at 10:09 am #

      Note to self, avoid the cutter’s gym unless feeling particularly “asky for it” that day.


      • The Cutter March 19, 2014 at 10:12 am #

        Excellent. My plan to have the gym all to myself if coming along!


  19. Andrew March 19, 2014 at 10:06 am #

    Yeah men can have weird boobs too in the locker room. But with hair on them, so I definitely get that. I also never “feel endorphins” after going to the gym. I’m usually just mad I had to wait for some wannabe UFC douchebag to stop shadowboxing in the mirror, so I could use the weights he’s standing in front of. Then there’s the people that clearly shower and use hair gel, make-up etc to go to the gym! Get a fucking life! I try to go before work to skip all that, but it sucks getting up when it’s still dark. I feel like a farmer, except I don’t get to do anything badass like ride a tractor. And my stomach usually hurts when it’s that early, because no one human body should be awake then. Sorry for writing a paragraph in your comments. But I got a little fired up. It’s a touchy issue with me apparently.


    • La La March 19, 2014 at 10:21 am #

      Ugh the people in makeup and hair gel who already look perfect anyway. I hate those people. They should be charged more. They never even seem to sweat.

      Good for you for going early as I understand it’s supposed to be good for you and stuff, but I tried that a couple of times and the whole dark thing was an issue and I was secretly jealous and mad at my boyfriend for being still asleep and warm.


  20. pivoine68 March 19, 2014 at 2:35 pm #

    I am obligated to go to the gym. If I try to make myself believe that I’m gonna do squats and lunges all alone, I know that I am being super dishonest with moi-même. I need an audience to disapprove of my complete lack of coordination. I totally agree with you about the locker room deal. Naked old ladies (not that I’m all that young, but still) nakedness freaks me out. I’m in awe of how people can feel so at ease. Makes me uneasy though.

    Bises My La La!


    • La La March 19, 2014 at 2:57 pm #

      Maybe when we are 70, we will be those naked ladies? Who knows. Xoxo


  21. surprisebjg March 20, 2014 at 3:24 am #

    You are so sweet! you are right it’s better to not spend money and wait in line and absorb the yelling and negativity etc…for such thing that you can do it better and more hygienic way on your own. Love your post!


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