Archive | May, 2016

A Few Fairly Obvious Dating Rules

16 May

oHere are some obvious rules about dating and first dates that most people likely agree with and I shouldn’t have to share them with you because you should know better, but here we are, so let’s get on with it already:

1. No crying on a first date. Why would you be sad? This is your first date! That kind of behavior is frowned upon (ha) and it does not reflect well on your stability.

2. Don’t ask me for help with your taxes (unless you want to pay me, but it seems like what you really need is a tax guy and not a girlfriend).

3. No show spoilers, you heathen!

4. Don’t tell me to dress as a sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon UNLESS you plan to provide a monocle. No monocle, no sexy steel conglomerate tycoon. Simple.

5. No tickling on a first date. You will get a punch in the head.

6. Don’t get naked unless it’s obvious that you’re supposed to be naked. No surprise nakedness.

7. Don’t pick me up for a date in a truck that has “truck nutz.” Jesus.

8. No getting extremely angry if I am not interested in a second date. Yeesh.

9. No asking me on a first date to go fly kites. We aren’t 6 years old.

10. Don’t use pictures from 80 years ago for your online dating profile and show up looking rough and dehydrated/like you just got divorced this week/like you just returned home from being a prisoner in a foreign land and while you were there you saw some things, pretty dark things, and they will haunt you for eternity and you’ll never come back from it.

You know what I think? If you are that guy, like if that’s who you really are, show yourself and just own it. Whatever you look like–own it. Got moobs? Flaunt ’em. Bald? I want to be blinded by that big, beautiful chrome dome. Beer gut and overdosing on dad attire? Werk.

From what I hear, this misrepresentation goes for the gals, too. Don’t lie to people via photograph, you guys. They’re going to find out.

That’s all I have for now. Hopefully, these fairly self-explanatory rules that I shouldn’t have needed to mention in the first place will aid you on your quest for love. Have a lovely¬†day.

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