A Few Fairly Obvious Dating Rules

16 May

oHere are some obvious rules about dating and first dates that most people likely agree with and I shouldn’t have to share them with you because you should know better, but here we are, so let’s get on with it already:

1. No crying on a first date. Why would you be sad? This is your first date! That kind of behavior is frowned upon (ha) and it does not reflect well on your stability.

2. Don’t ask me for help with your taxes (unless you want to pay me, but it seems like what you really need is a tax guy and not a girlfriend).

3. No show spoilers, you heathen!

4. Don’t tell me to dress as a sexy 1900s steel conglomerate tycoon UNLESS you plan to provide a monocle. No monocle, no sexy steel conglomerate tycoon. Simple.

5. No tickling on a first date. You will get a punch in the head.

6. Don’t get naked unless it’s obvious that you’re supposed to be naked. No surprise nakedness.

7. Don’t pick me up for a date in a truck that has “truck nutz.” Jesus.

8. No getting extremely angry if I am not interested in a second date. Yeesh.

9. No asking me on a first date to go fly kites. We aren’t 6 years old.

10. Don’t use pictures from 80 years ago for your online dating profile and show up looking rough and dehydrated/like you just got divorced this week/like you just returned home from being a prisoner in a foreign land and while you were there you saw some things, pretty dark things, and they will haunt you for eternity and you’ll never come back from it.

You know what I think? If you are that guy, like if that’s who you really are, show yourself and just own it. Whatever you look like–own it. Got moobs? Flaunt ’em. Bald? I want to be blinded by that big, beautiful chrome dome. Beer gut and overdosing on dad attire? Werk.

From what I hear, this misrepresentation goes for the gals, too. Don’t lie to people via photograph, you guys. They’re going to find out.

That’s all I have for now. Hopefully, these fairly self-explanatory rules that I shouldn’t have needed to mention in the first place will aid you on your quest for love. Have a lovely day.

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38 Responses to “A Few Fairly Obvious Dating Rules”

  1. Bob May 16, 2016 at 3:08 pm #

    Reblogged this on Exploring Winnipeg and Beyond..

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Bob May 16, 2016 at 3:10 pm #

    Oh hell yes, believe it or not women do those silly ass things too. Should I visit get naked and cry on you. Hmmm sexy eh

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:11 pm #

      Oh, poor Bob! Thank you for the reblog!

      Like

      • Bob May 16, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

        I know that you know I’m your perfect man

        Like

        • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:18 pm #

          Lol. Again–oh, poor Bob!

          Like

      • Bob May 16, 2016 at 3:17 pm #

        And yes I’m sadly single again

        Like

        • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:20 pm #

          Hang in there, buddy. I know Canada is popping with great women.

          Like

          • Bob May 16, 2016 at 4:03 pm #

            Yea I know I’m dating one now

            Liked by 1 person

  3. El Guapo May 16, 2016 at 3:14 pm #

    Not really sure what’s up with the kite hate…

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:15 pm #

      It makes me feel like someone wants to be my dad! I don’t want a dad!

      Like

  4. Amy Reese May 16, 2016 at 3:18 pm #

    Love #10. A prisoner who saw dark things. Yeah, better run!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Frivolous Monsters May 16, 2016 at 3:22 pm #

    Is number nine not harsh? Trying to do something different? Surely everyone can be six once in a while?

    I tried “trying to own” my situation on a certain dating website and under my interests listed “shenanigans”, and “foxes”, and listed in my description that I “steer clear of the clubbers, the sun-worshipers, the orange-skinned harridans with yellow hair, those who believe in the healing power of crystals, and those who have their “angels” that look over them.”

    This was after I’d toned it down. It didn’t work out too well for me. Why LaLa, why?

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:25 pm #

      No kites, FM. You’re a handsome fellow. I think you should spin it around and say what you do want!

      Like

      • Frivolous Monsters May 16, 2016 at 3:30 pm #

        Well, thanks. It’s not often someone tells me that. I’ve semi-retired from internet dating for the duration. Looking at my full profile now I see I don’t say what I want, but then if only I knew the answer to that myself…

        http://www.pof.com/member7853608.htm

        p.s. I don’t own a kite, but it just sounds like an excuse for a picnic to me. You live and learn.

        Like

        • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:35 pm #

          You have to find out what you want. That’s part of the fun. Also, maybe don’t mention the failing things…(although other British people would get your sense of humor).

          I can always help you more with this later if you want. 😀

          Like

          • Frivolous Monsters May 16, 2016 at 3:40 pm #

            I am convinced by now that I won’t meet someone through the internet, but in real life. Yeah, self-deprecating is our way, and I’m owning it. So thanks, but… I have looked at a million profiles over the years so if you just happen to have one and want any feedback…? They do say that they are better when done by friends of the opposite sex.

            Like

            • La La May 16, 2016 at 3:41 pm #

              I don’t currently have one up and running, but if I ever do, I will send it your way!

              Liked by 1 person

  6. 1jaded1 May 16, 2016 at 10:45 pm #

    9 sounds cute. Each to their own. The other ones, seriously. Thanks for the laughs…sorry you had to go through those.

    Like

  7. Jon May 17, 2016 at 12:32 am #

    What the heck did kites ever do to you, La La?

    Like

  8. ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 1:41 pm #

    LaSwanLa,

    This dim view of kites is a bit of a red flag for me…maybe we should just friend date for a while. You seemed so free spirited that night with Alexa Livingston…it’s funny how you think you know someone….

    RR

    Liked by 1 person

    • La La May 17, 2016 at 2:10 pm #

      No imaginary red flagging me based on imaginary past experiences just because you hate my kite preferences! 😚

      Liked by 1 person

      • ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 2:13 pm #

        It’s nothing like hate…more like the ways I imagine you being playful 🍉

        Like

        • La La May 17, 2016 at 2:22 pm #

          You can imaginary move up and over this hurdle. I believe in you.

          Liked by 1 person

          • ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 2:26 pm #

            I feel like you can open up to embrace nude beach kite flying on at least Our First Date…unless you just want to keep seeing me casually and imaginatively.

            Like

            • La La May 17, 2016 at 2:33 pm #

              Surely there are women in both the nude beach and kite crowd who would love your attention!

              Liked by 1 person

            • ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 2:41 pm #

              There are millions…scattered around different solar systems. It’s possible we’ve already had this date in another dimension.

              Like

            • La La May 17, 2016 at 3:44 pm #

              Lol. Probably. Who even knows what I’m up to in other dimensions!

              Liked by 1 person

            • ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 5:13 pm #

              We maybe in some sort of repeating Groundhog Day cycle of existence where most of our efforts are leading up to another and another (but somewhat better) wonderful day at the beach. I have a wisp of recollection that I may have tickled you too much on our last few outings though.

              Like

            • La La May 17, 2016 at 9:23 pm #

              Ps…why the watermelon emoji?

              Liked by 1 person

            • ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 9:33 pm #

              One hazy afternoon the wind dropped off and the kite was grounded…there were seeds in the watermelon and we arranged them on our bodies to make designs. In certain light I can barely see a seeded sunburned LaLa down one leg. 😈

              Liked by 1 person

  9. La La May 17, 2016 at 9:51 pm #

    Dude. You win. I assumed this watermelon was seedless. I don’t sunburn, also. But you win.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. ridicuryder May 17, 2016 at 10:00 pm #

    It really isn’t about winning…just all the wonderful possible imprints we all have for each other…even the most slender ideas bubble a bit if you hold them lightly.

    Goodnight LaSwanLa. 🏄

    Like

  11. Colton May 19, 2016 at 8:29 pm #

    Sounds like you had a hell of a date

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Denise May 23, 2016 at 6:38 pm #

    Between the kites and that anti-wind chimes bit you wrote, I am sensing you have something against the wind, La La. Explain.

    – Denise

    Like

    • La La May 23, 2016 at 6:44 pm #

      False, Denise. Ugh. You’ll get your explanation soon.

      Like

  13. geminilvr August 27, 2016 at 6:17 pm #

    Oh the picture thing lol

    Like

  14. Wtf, bro?! And, other thoughts... April 18, 2017 at 7:11 am #

    The struggle is real! #6 is never good, but on a blind date that’s beyond creepy. I’ve devised some guidelines myself, that you might enjoy reading:
    https://wtfbroandotherthoughts.wordpress.com/2017/03/26/swiping-as-a-superpower/

    Like

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