a date worth mentioning.

20 Feb

Two years ago, I decided to join the Baltimore dating scene. I didn’t know what to expect. I met a lot of strange men that summer, including the male version of myself, an extreme racist, a horny firefighter, a douchey baseball coach, a comedian, a dude who looks exactly like Kevin James, and a guy who actively uses dollar signs to replace the letter “s.”  However, the weirdest date was with the hottest, tallest one of them all:  Matthew.

We met for happy hour at Brewer’s Art. He was a tall, dark and oh so handsome lawyer. Throughout the entire date he stared at me intently, listened to everything I had to say and was quick-witted. It was sexy. He had such an interesting life and we talked and laughed for hours. However, around drink number 4 or 5, the mood began to change slowly and the atmosphere got intense. He pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered, “like Helen, you have a face that could launch a thousand ships.” I laughed nervously. What an odd thing to say. Then he asked me to “make him immortal with a kiss.” Was he being serious?  “Heh, maybe later,” I responded.  He started petting my head. Things were getting weird and I decided it was time to leave.

Matthew walked me to my car (which was of course parked about a mile away). During the walk he told me how beautiful I am. Repeatedly. He was just naming random parts of me that he thought were beautiful, such as my collarbone. Who says that? Then he complimented my “strut,” which was odd because I really had to go to the bathroom. He was complimenting my pee pee walk! The more we walked, the less I liked him and the more I had to pee. When we got to my car, it turned out that I was parked right in front of his apartment building. Perfect. I really didn’t want to pee my dress on the ride home. Thank god, I thought, I’ll go right in his apartment, use the bathroom, and come right out. No big deal. Friends, I was wrong.

We went upstairs and I ran for the bathroom. Heaven. Just as I flushed, I heard some sassy R&B music coming from the other room. My heart began beating rapidly and I looked at myself in the mirror. Just walk out there and say no thank you and leave. You’ve got this. 

I took a deep breath.

When I opened the door, I was startled to find him standing right there, all 6’4 of him, completely naked and ready to go. Before I could even think, he picked me up and started kissing me in a way that felt like he was trying to suck my soul from my body. His tongue was everywhere, like even licking the air and stuff. It was so weird. Then, he grabbed a folder from the top of his refrigerator that was packed with magnum condoms. “PUT ME DOWN!” I yelled.

He put me down and frowned. He was out of breath from all that air licking. “Don’t you like what you see?”

That thing was huge and menacing. I have never seen anything like it. “Um, I have to go,” I said, and I turned and ran like the wind.

He ran out after me into the hallway. “Can I still take you to dinner next week!?” he called out. When I got to the bottom I looked up the spiral of the steps and saw him standing naked at the top. “No thanks!” I yelled back, and I never saw him again.

The lesson here, folks, is that if you are in a weird situation and you have to pee, fuck the unknown. Pee your dress.

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21 Responses to “a date worth mentioning.”

  1. Pigeon Heart February 20, 2012 at 4:02 pm #

    shut up. YOU are fucking hilarious. I am not kidding at all. A FOLDER??? of condoms? That makes me feel much better about my own trapper-keeper choices for storage- but no. Seriously. I think we should write a book on terrible dates. I did tell you about the scar on my right hand; result of being single, right?
    That is some funny shit. Such a bummer when it has promise and then it crashes and burns. My buddy was over the other night and was giving me dating advice, which at this point I find very sage: even if it’s going great, keep it short and sweet. Have 2 mayyyybe 3 drinks. Save something for next time.
    I like your conclusive advice too. Heres to combining forces. Anddd better luck next time. (;

    Like

  2. crubin February 20, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    Heck, faced with that, I’d probably poo in my dress, too! I imagine you still have nightmares 🙂

    Like

  3. dee dee February 20, 2012 at 5:04 pm #

    I’m pretty sure that no matter how many times I hear you recount this evening I will feel both compelled to laugh and compelled to save you from the UNKNOWN!

    Like

  4. RFL February 20, 2012 at 5:26 pm #

    Whoa! He pulled a real life Naked Man?!? I’m in shock. Good advice.

    Like

    • La La February 20, 2012 at 6:00 pm #

      The naked man works 2 out of 3 times, right? I hope the next gal enjoyed her evening.

      Like

  5. Mike Barratt February 20, 2012 at 5:35 pm #

    You are a great storyteller! This was filled with both suspense and humor. It’s great getting insight into how a woman thinks on a date. Before he pulled out his birthday suit, I was getting the sense that he was very weird about his sexual energy. It turns out that was the case.

    Like

    • La La February 20, 2012 at 5:48 pm #

      Why thank you, Mike! That’s very kind of you. I like your blog, you’re very inspiring.

      Like

  6. karolina February 20, 2012 at 7:23 pm #

    Oh. My. God.

    Like

  7. Kourtney Heintz February 20, 2012 at 11:17 pm #

    Wow. Just wow. I almost peed myself laughing. What an awkward experience but hysterical story. You handled yourself amazingly well under the circumstances. 🙂

    Like

  8. Gabriela Vargas February 26, 2012 at 2:09 pm #

    Omg! First of all, I sympathize! But the story is extremely hilarious all the same. I love the way you write. It’s so refreshing!

    Like

  9. Scriptor Obscura March 3, 2012 at 12:22 pm #

    Wow. What a creepy guy! He’s definitely some kind of pervert.

    Like

  10. Sam Dolan March 27, 2012 at 4:06 pm #

    That was hilarious …

    on the other hand, I hope you ran away because he was a creep not because of the “size/magnum” issue … cause I will feel offended 😀 hahaha

    Like

    • La La March 27, 2012 at 4:48 pm #

      Sure, the size was scary. By the way he acted, I’m 99% sure that he, like many men with large dicks and egos, would have used that thing more like a weapon than anything else. 😉

      Like

      • Sam Dolan March 27, 2012 at 6:53 pm #

        I never really used it as a weapon before … yes it’s big, but my fists are bigger still, not to mention that they are easier to use as I don’t have them in my pants … well, not while outside home. haha

        Like

  11. Christopher De Voss November 18, 2012 at 6:54 pm #

    Say bye to all that nonsense.

    Like

  12. nesabuj27 March 13, 2014 at 9:55 am #

    2 out of 3 times,,,,seriously just because some daily soaps told you that,,,,in real life that naked man stuff never works of course with some exceptions ,,,,,n i bet Naked women/girl would definitely work,,,,,lol

    Like

    • La La March 13, 2014 at 10:04 am #

      We all know it doesn’t work hahaha. Thank you for the comment!

      Like

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