Tag Archives: men

Drunk Girl Writing

7 Sep

Andrew of Shut Up Dad inspired me to try drunk writing. So, here I am. I was hoping there would be a masterpiece in my brain by now, but I’ve got nothing and now I’m just a little wasted and feeling a whole lotta freaky. Thanks, Andrew.

I have decided to take this opportunity to have a little chat with the menfolk. Ladies, this is where your reading ends for today. Sorry. Here, watch this video of cute baby animals whilst the men and I continue:

 

 

Gentlemen,

Come, gather ’round.  HEY, Le Clown, eyes up here.

Don’t worry, I shall present my thoughts and queries in list form for ye who supposedly sport a short attention span. Right, let’s dive in.

1. Just because I’m kind of a dude, it does not mean I want to hear about your balls. Don’t tell me stories about them unless you have a medical problem and need to vent. Otherwise, I’m serious. Stop with the ball chatter.

2. Unless there has been a sexual agreement, don’t ask me or your possible future second (or third) wife on a first date to your house. Bitches, please. Show some respect and at least take us out so we can get our drank on.

3. Our nipples will remain attached to our bodies, just like yours, so please stop trying to suck them off. Also, please don’t turn them like knobs. I am not a door. There is no Narnia inside this closet.

4. Don’t fart when we’re in the shower together. Are you people kidding me with that? I think farts are awesome and all, but H2O (as water vapor) easily attaches to methane molecules by the chlorine atom, or the sulfur released from bacteria, making your butt smell attach more easily to my nostrils and subsequently sustaining that foulness for a longer period than when we are, say, in the car. Enjoy your brand on your own shower time, fellas.

5. FYI: Most of us prefer your medium-sized weens to the giant weens. Promise.

6. Would a blowjob be positively enhanced if I switched between coldish and very warmish liquids? Just curious.

7. Thank you for all of your kind words and funny comments over the past few months. My entire workplace must think I’m insane as I boisterously laugh at your wit and questionable humor.

8. Regarding the art of manscaping, you all seem to be doing well with that. We approve.

9. Please go do something nice for your lady if you have one. You owe her for farting in the shower.

10. Thank you for joining El Jimador and I for this chat. Good talk. Time to pass out.

Love,

Lauren Ann (I included my middle name, that’s how you know I mean business).

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Reasons Men Exist

9 Aug

After 10 months of focused research, I have finally created a comprehensive list of the main reasons that men exist. Please let me know if I’ve left any out.

 


My results show that men exist to:

– Grill amazing things

– Remove bugs

– Zip up my dress

– Fasten my bracelet

– Check if food is too hot before I take a bite

– Find out what that sound was downstairs

– Remind me that I live in a land of make-believe

– Reach high places

– Hold *this* for a second while I look for/do *that*

– Make me laugh

– Pick which shoes I should wear after I’ve narrowed it down

– Fix the toilet

– Tell me when there’s something wrong with my car

– Teach me about something that I didn’t originally find interesting,
such as space or different types of screwdrivers

– Remind me that farts exist and that they are hilarious

– Accidentally say something stupid while trying to compliment me

– Remind me that so many other women are hotter than I am

– Fix my electronics

– Practice impregnating me

Best Questions Men Have Asked Me (Since I Started This Ridiculous Blog)

23 Jul

I have received some very important, thought-provoking questions from my male readers. I found the following questions to be the most captivating and thought it would be a disservice to you all not to share them. Enjoy.

 

1. Q: Do you have standards when choosing a man to sleep with?

A: Really? What an odd question. Wow. Yes. I absolutely have standards.

 

2. Q: If we fly you to the south of France, will you have sex with my wife and I on our anniversary? It would be in 2013.

A: Love is a beautiful thing, no? So sorry though, I’m pretty busy that year.

 

3. Q: Did you really find out how many licks it takes to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?

A: Yes, and they sent me a certificate. I was 10 years old. Are you still turned on?

 

4. Q: Do you want to have a threesome with my wife and I? I’m not going to fly you to Florida, but I can take you to Disney World.

A: OH BOY, DISNEY WORLD! I need to find my autograph book!

 

5. Q: Would you be freaked out if I came to Baltimore to look for you without telling you I was coming?

A: Yes… and just so you know, I have mace and I bite.

 

6. Q: I read your interview on Crazy Chicks Club. Regarding the question, “what would you do if you were a man for a day,” do you really think all men don’t make their beds, fart a lot, walk around without shirts and impregnate every girl they know?

A: That’s just what I would do if I were a man for a day. “I have a penis,” I’d say, “I’ll do as I please” and then I’d saunter around and flex my muscles. Oh, and I’d call everyone “brah” and wear my sunglasses like I own the joint. It would be great.

 

7. Q: Do you have any Greek in you?

A: No.

Q: Do you want some?

A: No.

 

8. Q: Will you send me a picture of your ass? I’m an ass man.

A: The set up for that seems kind of ridiculous, don’t you think? I don’t have a timer on my camera and I refuse to google “How to take a picture of my own ass.” It all seems a bit time-consuming. Just saying.

Reply: It only takes a couple of minutes. See? Here’s mine: (he sent a picture of his ass).

 

9. Q: Did you really show your boobs to get ice cream at an ice cream truck?

A: Listen, guy. It was hot outside, I really wanted a Nutty Buddy and I didn’t have cash. There’s nothing further to discuss here.

 

I have yet to receive a #10 worthy of the spot. I will let you know when that guy steps up to the plate and we can all bask in the glory of him together.

Men, Muscles and Money, Oh My!

18 Jun

 

I thought that perhaps the media was exaggerating how beautiful/ridiculous the people are in South Beach, but I was wrong. On my first day there, I went to the beach alone and observed gorgeous, ripped dudes in expensive sunglasses hitting on girls and strutting around talking about sports and how awesome they are at being lawyers. In the past, you would have found me disgusted, bitter and annoyed by this entire show, but I laughed and actually enjoyed it. A couple of them talked to me and I even thought some of them were hot. Yep, I said hot.

How is this possible? Well, I learned that there is a huge difference between this Lauren and past Lauren. Past Lauren was a bitter girl who thought she was ugly and didn’t deserve good things and she didn’t know what she wanted and would have accepted anything, so she attracted all the wrong situations and got confused when guys were total dicks. She felt like a victim of douchebaggery and started hating and judging all guys in general, making relationships with men frustrating for both parties.

Current Lauren loves herself and she loves men, too. I realized while in Florida, that one of the major steps it took to get here is highlighted in this article given to me by my friend’s boyfriend:

Every woman needs a ‘gaggle’ of men

Single ladies, you need to read that article. Married people, what do you think?

I have many men in my life, in many enriching ways, who are all teaching me about myself and my needs and desires and leading me closer to the guy and relationship I want. My “gaggle” has taught me so much about men, too (they aren’t all jerks, and even the tough looking ones may be soft underneath those superman pecs).

I guess the point I am trying to make is that d-bags happen. Once you have confidence and know what you want, it’s easier to gain respect and not feel like a victim. You can even have fun and find out that some of them are admiring you and not raping you with their eyes, just as I discovered while watching and interacting with these fine, peculiar specimens as they strutted around on the beach like macho birds.

My Male Order Husband

7 May

See what I did there? Fun.

Since searching for true love feels like being hit by a train, I’ve decided to just go ahead and order a husband. I did some research and found some real gems. It was hard, but I have narrowed it down to these 3 dreamy guys:

Boris (left), Gntlbeast and Vladimir (right)

They all seem great and as you can see, each candidate has chosen his best photo, making this a difficult choice. Based on the photo alone, Gntlbeast is a no-brainer. He is gentle and he likes unicorns. What’s not to love? He has a mustache, too–bonus. Now I shall present their website descriptions. Which would you choose? Any feedback will be appreciated. This is my future husband, after all. Husbands from Ukraine don’t come cheap, folks.

Boris

I am a well-wishing man from Ukraine. I love art, intellectual dialogues, going to the nature. I write pictures and sell my works. I love cats, corresponding. I am strong and brave. Romantic a little bit. I like to cook. Sometimes I want to taste you in my dishes.

I have never been to abroad but I want to meet a girl there who has the light eyes, desirably never married before, open in sex. I can respects a lady. Frankly it does not matter what girl she is…. Every girl is always nice!

Gntlbeast

I am a calm tempered man. As every man I dream about my own family. I see her beautiful and slim. Blonder. Black hair is good also.

Vladimir

Hallo! My name Vladimir. I have wife but do not love her. I have child in secondary school 1 girl my wife making me stay home feed child. I would like to leave her very much so and find sexful lady. I enjoy to  trampoline much. Father being Starshina in CCCP Red Army but they shoot for he being looting after Ukraine independent. I come from military family but no military I am peace and love all the way. Hey! USA!

Before I lose hair it of sexy style. I dress professional in week and “letting loose” on weekend to be sexy for dance party in disco club. I want to dance with goodest dancer in USA. Good are you?

You see, I am looking for sexful lady with romance in life and living. I am young, live fast, I need fast lady to keep up with my speedy. Must be very slim under 45 kilogram. I like personality to maybe you like my personality and we “hitting it off” as say in USA!

Douche at the bar.

6 May


Tonight I met a coach of a local college team. We talked for an hour or so. He was cute and I was having fun until things got douchey.

Coach: You want to fuck later?

Me: Excuse me?

Coach: I said I want to fuck you, you seem like a great girl. Maybe I was mistaken.

Me: What are you, 16?

Coach: I saw you flirting with that British guy over there, I’m not stupid. Should we wait until tomorrow? We can bang on the holy day. As a bonus, I’ll do you with bad teeth and an English accent while drinking a cup of tea if that’s what you like.

Me (confused, wide-eyed, angry): Wow.

Coach: What, you gonna cry? You too uptight? You probably just need to get laid. Come home with me.

Me: For real? Fuck off!

Coach: Don’t get crazy with me. I know how women can be.

I was close to shutting down. I thought for a moment about all the terrible men I have met and how I don’t believe in people anymore, but then I remembered who I am and how I never give up. When I got home, the picture above was posted on Facebook. It reminded me that I am proud to be smart, honest, sensitive, open, loving, a bit quirky, and kind of funny. I will always love and be grateful. Fuck the rest, people.

Don’t fake things. Be yourself. Love others and be unafraid. Accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable.

Dear Vodka

16 Apr

Dear Vodka,

After much consideration and very little recollection, I have decided to break up with you.

We fell in love about 2 years ago, when a foot of snow was on the ground and my ex boyfriend had just broken up with me a week before Christmas. The liquor store on my street was open and that’s where we met. Remember that winter? It was fun. My fondest memory was when you made me chase a bunch of children and call them “little shits” after they threw snowballs at me.

You were there for me that day, Vodka, and we’ve been a great team ever since. One time you told me to punch a douche bag who was at the bar. That douche deserved it, and we saved an innocent guy from getting punched. Now that I think about it, that guy owed me a shot of you.

Still, I’m sorry–it’s over. Why? Last weekend alone did me in and I didn’t even throw up, end up in a strange bed, cry or drunk text an ex boyfriend (our most common offense, surely).

 

Don't judge me. You've been here, too.

 

I did, however, fall off a curb in front of a lot of people, I kissed and gave my number to a man who has “pleasure” tattooed on his neck, I braided a woman’s hair and I managed to eat a dog treat. Yes, a fucking dog treat. On Sunday morning, I woke up topless on my kitchen floor with my phone nestled in between my boobs. That was it for me–I knew we had gone too far.

Perhaps it was just because I tried your new peanut butter and jelly flavor, who knows….but really? A mother fucking dog treat? Seriously? A guy with “pleasure” tattooed on his neck? I can do better than this, Vodka. I am a classier gal than this.

I’ll probably be back, but for now I must bid you adieu.

Yours Truly,

Lauren Ann

Six things to avoid on a first date

20 Mar

Six things to avoid on a first date

that have happened to me on a first date…all within the last 6 years)

1. Try not to fall and cut your knee/leg/ankle. If you do, try not to cry. If you cry…avoid allowing your date to dress your wounds (but hey, if you’re horny, this is a great, easy way to let a guy in your pants).

2. Don’t laugh hard at his jokes and say something like, “Oh my god, that’s hilarious, I love you!” because you will spend the next 5 minutes in silence or awkwardly trying to explain what you meant.

3. If you’re out and you see the person who waxes you, avoid drunkenly calling her over and announcing, “She has seen my vagina!”

4. Avoid nose bleeds. Or, if you’re trying to get out of the date, don’t avoid nose bleeds.

5. Don’t talk to anyone who in the past has given you an embarrassing nickname. Your date may start calling you that nickname (“Moose” or “Wee Wee” are 2 examples).

6. Avoid tucking your dress into your panties. You should avoid this on all dates and at all times. I suggest that you look in the mirror AND check for a draft before you leave the ladies’ room. This should be easy enough.

Actually, while on the topic, here are the things you should be doing in the bathroom (in a timely manner):

  1. Pee quickly–you’re holding up the line. Do not pee on the seat. If you pee on the seat, be classy and wipe it off.
  2. Flush.
  3. Wash hands with soap.
  4. Check your teeth for the dreaded pepper tooth (a spice stuck somewhere near that lateral incisor).
  5. Check hair.
  6. Check cleavage.
  7. Gloss up those lips. Do not get gloss on teeth.
  8. Check that dress is not tucked into underwear.
  9. Smile and pose. As always, you are the loveliest lady up in that place.
  10. Grand exit.

To squee or not to squee

27 Feb

Last March I adopted a puppy and named him Porter.

Recently, we were playing and I realized just how ridiculous the things are that I say to him. For example, this morning when I woke and saw my dog, I changed my speaking tone and said, “Ooohh, look at hiiiiimmm! Hims a widdle boy here! Hims a boy here with me and I love hiiimmmms face!” Then, I kissed his little nose and hugged his sweet head. I don’t know why I say those things, but I am acutely aware that applying this to any other situation would make me absolutely nuts. This is him by the way:

 

My cuddly, sweet fwiend and his cutest puppy face!

 

This, I learned, is called pet-directed speech and there is research that investigates features which differentiate the two speech registers, neutral and intimate, within different constellations of speakers and addressees (such as infant-, pet-, foreigner- and lover- directed speech). Usually we change the way we speak without even thinking about it, but it’s only acceptable in certain situations and is a very funny concept.

This is how Porter responds when I speak with a silly voice:

 

 

He either loves it or it’s driving him insane–I can’t decide. I have a friend who used to make a high-pitched sound and iterate something that sounded like “SQQUUEEEGGIIEE!” whenever she saw her dog. Most girls I know do the sounds and/or say nonsense things when it’s a small or baby animal. I imagine that if there was a show that consisted only of baby animals playing with each other, that millions of ladies would be in their homes just making sounds. I would get nothing done. I would watch and clap and jump like a damn idiot, despite being a sarcastic, grown ass woman. I try to hide this side of myself, but if you were to hand me a puppy and a cookie (I like cookies), I would absolutely lose it.

Men are a different story. If they choose to talk to animals with voices, it tends to be a dumb or dorky sounding voice that is meant to be the voice of the animal and it is often accompanied by sound effects. Men really are just large kids, after all. Out of context, how funny would it be to see guys doing that kind of crap?  You know, like in the workplace? Or while watching football? I’d pay to see that shit.

So, I’m curious, do you talk to animals in a silly voice? What do you say? Does the animal have a goofy nickname? Porter’s nickname is “honey bear” and when he is wet he is  “little baby seal.” I did not choose these names, they just came out of my mouth one day.

a date worth mentioning.

20 Feb

Two years ago, I decided to join the Baltimore dating scene. I didn’t know what to expect. I met a lot of strange men that summer, including the male version of myself, an extreme racist, a horny firefighter, a douchey baseball coach, a comedian, a dude who looks exactly like Kevin James, and a guy who actively uses dollar signs to replace the letter “s.”  However, the weirdest date was with the hottest, tallest one of them all:  Matthew.

We met for happy hour at Brewer’s Art. He was a tall, dark and oh so handsome lawyer. Throughout the entire date he stared at me intently, listened to everything I had to say and was quick-witted. It was sexy. He had such an interesting life and we talked and laughed for hours. However, around drink number 4 or 5, the mood began to change slowly and the atmosphere got intense. He pushed my hair behind my ear and whispered, “like Helen, you have a face that could launch a thousand ships.” I laughed nervously. What an odd thing to say. Then he asked me to “make him immortal with a kiss.” Was he being serious?  “Heh, maybe later,” I responded.  He started petting my head. Things were getting weird and I decided it was time to leave.

Matthew walked me to my car (which was of course parked about a mile away). During the walk he told me how beautiful I am. Repeatedly. He was just naming random parts of me that he thought were beautiful, such as my collarbone. Who says that? Then he complimented my “strut,” which was odd because I really had to go to the bathroom. He was complimenting my pee pee walk! The more we walked, the less I liked him and the more I had to pee. When we got to my car, it turned out that I was parked right in front of his apartment building. Perfect. I really didn’t want to pee my dress on the ride home. Thank god, I thought, I’ll go right in his apartment, use the bathroom, and come right out. No big deal. Friends, I was wrong.

We went upstairs and I ran for the bathroom. Heaven. Just as I flushed, I heard some sassy R&B music coming from the other room. My heart began beating rapidly and I looked at myself in the mirror. Just walk out there and say no thank you and leave. You’ve got this. 

I took a deep breath.

When I opened the door, I was startled to find him standing right there, all 6’4 of him, completely naked and ready to go. Before I could even think, he picked me up and started kissing me in a way that felt like he was trying to suck my soul from my body. His tongue was everywhere, like even licking the air and stuff. It was so weird. Then, he grabbed a folder from the top of his refrigerator that was packed with magnum condoms. “PUT ME DOWN!” I yelled.

He put me down and frowned. He was out of breath from all that air licking. “Don’t you like what you see?”

That thing was huge and menacing. I have never seen anything like it. “Um, I have to go,” I said, and I turned and ran like the wind.

He ran out after me into the hallway. “Can I still take you to dinner next week!?” he called out. When I got to the bottom I looked up the spiral of the steps and saw him standing naked at the top. “No thanks!” I yelled back, and I never saw him again.

The lesson here, folks, is that if you are in a weird situation and you have to pee, fuck the unknown. Pee your dress.

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