Boyfriend Farts

1 Apr

Last night at 3am I woke up startled by a champion fart, but for once it wasn’t my own brand. My eyes flew open and my boyfriend was lying there mischievously smiling.

 

Me (laughing uncontrollably): Ummmm!!!

Boyfriend: Haha, that sounded like a dolphin. Girl, I bet I got you dreaming you’re at Sea World.

 

Then I farted. I said it was in retaliation, but I think I was just laughing so hard that it came out.

 

Boyfriend: Your fart just smells and didn’t sound like a funny animal or anything. Gross, Lauren. You’re gross.

Me: That’s not fair! Boys smell all the time.

 

I fell back asleep a few minutes later and dreamt that it was a beautiful day so my friend Stacey and I went to Sea World. I was excited to see the sea lions, but Stacey first wanted to go to the dolphin show. We sat down and when the dolphins swam out, the sounds they made were all fart sounds and Stacey and I were laughing so hard in the audience that we were crying. My boyfriend was the dolphin trainer.

I woke up laughing and downloaded a fart soundboard on my phone and this morning, instead of working on my first day back from vacation, I listened to farts. My favorite one is called “C-Flat.”

You don’t need to tell me I’m the classiest girl in America, you guys. I already know that I exude sophistication.

41 Responses to “Boyfriend Farts”

  1. rheath40 at 11:55 am #

    You know you really like someone when you can fart in front of them. You know you love someone when they fart in return just to outdo you in sound and smell.

    Like

    • La La at 1:06 pm #

      Haha, love and marriage sound fun!

      Like

      • rheath40 at 1:20 pm #

        They’re interesting, I can tell you that!

        Like

  2. merbear74 at 11:58 am #

    It is so refreshing to find someone who enjoys flatulence as much as I do.

    Like

    • La La at 1:06 pm #

      It’s a fine butt product, if I may say so.

      Like

  3. Doggy's Style at 12:40 pm #

    I wish I could outdo or overpower my dog’s farts.
    Thanks for the laugh

    Like

    • La La at 1:07 pm #

      Haha, dog farts are funny because it makes them jump and look for it!

      Like

      • Doggy's Style at 1:08 pm #

        mine does silent, you have no warning till the stench hits you.

        Like

        • La La at 1:11 pm #

          That right there sounds like that makings of a horror film.

          Like

          • Doggy's Style at 1:16 pm #

            I feel like if I were in Chernobyl, he goes under the bed and attacks.

            Like

      • Someone Else at 1:14 pm #

        hahahahahaaahah so true.

        Like

  4. Someone Else at 1:14 pm #

    I DIE! You’re a woman of my own heart.

    That happened to me a couple weeks ago, girl. Only, it was me abruptly awoken by my own fart and when I looked over my boyfriend was quietly chuckling…

    FML. He thought it was “cute” only because it didn’t smell.

    Like

    • La La at 2:17 pm #

      HAHA, at least you haven’t farted on his leg yet while sleeping. He might feel it. You don’t want him to feel it.

      Like

  5. Carrie Rubin at 1:18 pm #

    I’d like to pretend I’m above all this, but it’s hard to do so when I have the iFart app on my phone. As always, I’ll blame my kids…

    Like

    • La La at 2:07 pm #

      YES! That’s what I like it hear. I would use that on kids all the time.

      Like

    • La La at 1:43 pm #

      CUP OF CHEESE!

      Like

      • hahahahahahaha!!! Girls are ten times better farters than dudes…that’s why they hate it.

        Like

  6. Katie at 3:43 pm #

    It’s so funny you wrote about this, because just yesterday I had a case of the super stinky farts and my boyfriend was acting like such a baby when he routinely farts loudly and produces odors that probably cause cancer. So I’ve starte mocking his overreactions.

    Like

  7. Katie at 3:43 pm #

    It’s so funny you wrote about this, because just yesterday I had a case of the super stinky farts and my boyfriend was acting like such a baby when he routinely farts loudly and produces odors that probably cause cancer. So I’ve started mocking his overreactions.

    Like

  8. Pixie Girl at 5:10 pm #

    Ha! Well you’ve certainly crossed the fart line. That’s good, woman!

    Like

  9. Nagzilla at 6:02 pm #

    I can honestly say I’ve never dreamt about farts. At least none I can recall. That’s awesome.
    You may want to check out the Atomic Fart app. My daughter has it on her iPhone, and the only thing it doesn’t do is provide a smell. And for that, I am immensely grateful.

    Like

    • La La at 10:15 am #

      Aaaaand doing that at this very moment. I thank you for the recommendation.

      Like

  10. The Bumble Files at 6:29 pm #

    Ha ha…that sound board is too much. I think they got it covered!! Your boyfriend, the dolphin trainer.

    Like

    • La La at 10:14 am #

      That’s him. He said he remembers me waking up laughing after the dream hahaha..

      Like

  11. David Stewart at 8:58 pm #

    Now I can’t get that scene from Family Guy out of my head, the one where they’re making fart music in bed.

    Like

    • La La at 10:13 am #

      hahahaha! I like when Peter has the Deliverance fart off in the bathroom.

      Like

  12. Monk Monkey at 10:29 pm #

    That sound on loop is the bees knees.

    Like

    • La La at 10:13 am #

      I listened for at least 5 minutes straight!

      Like

  13. gingerfightback at 5:17 am #

    All those people who post profound wisdom from the ancients on twitter et al and never something as important as the sound, smell and texture of a fart. Thanks for making up this shortfall. A clothes peg is being fed exed to you and your beau.

    Like

    • La La at 10:16 am #

      Oh thank you, he will benefit more from the clothes peg! And I love fart talk on Twitter, but you’re right. This is my why I’m here.

      Like

  14. Andrew at 10:09 am #

    Getting paid to listen to fart machines, may be the most ingenious plan anyone has ever thought of. I have so much to learn.

    Like

    • La La at 10:19 am #

      Woah, I didn’t even see it that way. I get paid to listen to fart machines. As long as we do the other stuff they want us to do, we could do other things at work and technically be getting paid to do those things–like at lunch if I eat french fries, I am getting paid to eat french fries. This may help get me through work days.

      Like

  15. Dreamboats – both of you ~ and a little dutch oven action on the side!

    Like

  16. Kourtney Heintz at 1:46 pm #

    I love how what happens right before you fall asleep filters into your dreams. You and your boyfriend are hilarious! Thanks for another awesome laugh.

    Like

  17. balladofthebee at 12:31 pm #

    It doesn’t matter the situation, location or volume, when someone farts, I can’t help but laugh. Very funny post.

    Like

  18. Nowan Zen at 3:07 pm #

    Ain’t nothin’ classier that a girl who’s not afraid to let ’em rip. If you can belch Scotland the Brave, then you have my undying admiration.

    And, btw, with farts….hangtime makes the champion.

    Like

  19. Wiley Schmidt at 10:18 pm #

    You know what’s the worst? When they blame it on the dog! 🙂

    Like

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    Like

    • La La at 1:52 am #

      Maybe I wanted my spot 13th. Thanks though for the spam. Good luck with your shitty job.

      Like

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