Archive | November, 2013

Jen and Tonic’s Birthday Surprise!

26 Nov

Hey, Jen and Tonic! Happy Birthday! This morning I got you a cake…

 

cake

 

but then, for some reason, that guy put his peen near it. Rude.

So I was like, clearly I can’t give her a wiener cake, so I got you another, but this happened:

 

cake (1)

 

Um, hello?  Sir? Yes, you there, with the muscles. Maybe we wanted to eat that cake. How inconsiderate of you to just pop out of it like that. Did you ever think that maybe we just genuinely wanted to sit around and eat a delicious cake? God.

Then I had a great idea–a personal cake from the bakery…

 

cake-wrecks-hot-tom-selleck

 

…but they put the wrong name on your gorgeous Tom Selleck cake. I couldn’t believe it.

On my walk home I tried to think of what I’d tell you about the cake. Surely you wouldn’t believe me when I explained that a guy tried to put his dick in the first one and Muscles McGillicutty ruined the second and that the third was perfect, but had the wrong name.

Suddenly, I saw some cute animals in the distance that would make it all better. I guess their handlers had to come too, I don’t know why. Whatever, just ignore them.

 

um 0e4f9a51efd0c38cdc03261cf55ee5d4

guy

 

Ugh, what the hell!? I uninvited that last guy! I don’t know how he got here. I apologize, Jen. Seriously.

Anyway, I hope you’re having a delightful day. Happy Birthday!

Tags: ,

I Wear Orange Because…

25 Nov

November 25th (until December 10th, Human Rights Day) is recognized by the UN as the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women.

We are called to wear orange today to bring awareness to this cause. I saw people on Twitter posting “I wear orange because…” and offering their own messages, as seen here:

 

Screen Shot 2013-11-25 at 11.59.03 AM

 

Get it, fellas!

Personally, I wear orange because I believe in confronting sexual violence instead of remaining silent. I wear orange because I refuse to accept one in five women will become a victim of rape or attempted rape in her lifetime.

 

orange

 

I could reflect on my own story or look up a bunch of scary or sad facts for you and post them here, but instead I invite you to the UN Women website, where you can see the way men and women around the world are motivating communities, providing education and working creatively to end violence against women.

You may be surprised by the hope you find in the articles they’ve shared.

Of course there is always more to do, but it’s okay to appreciate worldwide progress, especially during times when it seems like all we hear is bad news.

Also, check out United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, he pretty much rocks:

 

Tags: ,

VET

20 Nov

What does the term “Veteran” mean to you? I know we’ve passed Veterans Day, but stick with me here.

Maybe you think of a friend, grandfather, dad or daughter. The word “brave” might pop into your mind like it did in mine, or “a hero, someone willing to sacrifice his or her life for our freedom.” It’s also possible that you’ve connected a statistic or negative stereotype to the word, but actually know very little.

Have you ever considered a Veteran’s response to the same question? I hadn’t really, until Sean, a Marine Corps Veteran (and sure, my hunky boyfriend), started a project called VET that prompts Veterans to tell their story. A few of the quotes were later featured in his graphic design exhibition at the Maryland Institute College of Art.

 

MICA

VET Exhibition at MICA

 

I was surprised to see the time, content and emotion put into the responses. Each one was unique, raw and beautifully expressed.

As a civilian, the project gave me the chance to connect on a personal level with Veterans. When you think about it, it’s rare that we are given the chance to hear from individual Veterans in such a way and I am thankful for the insight I took away from the experience. It’s an important project to me, and not simply because my dude is running it. I think it provides a realness, heightens awareness and sheds a new/different light on what we think we know.

Today, an article was published on Veteran Empire about VET that talks about the creative process behind the project.

Also, if you know a Veteran, perhaps he or she may be interested in contributing to Sean’s project,which has been relaunched at TheVetProject.com 

You can also help out by making a purchase on the site. Proceeds will be donated to the Seven Stars Foundation, a charity aiming to make a positive impact on
the children of both wounded and fallen military members through financial, emotional, and educational assistance.

Tags: , ,

We Need To Talk

13 Nov

Listen, we need to talk. Things are getting out of hand with a pretty big issue. It offends me on a regular basis, and I know I’m not alone. You may be an offender, so please sit down for a moment. Whew, I’m nervous.

Okay, deep breath–

I’m here today to discuss your wind chimes. They’re awful.

Before you get upset and think I’m some sort of tranquility hater, please understand that my problem isn’t with actual chimes or the actual wind. I mean, who isn’t enchanted by the chimes in a magical Christmas song? Which one of your souls isn’t soothed by the chimes during a spa massage?

And tell me, who among us would deny the wild, provocative wind its right to tussle our hair about like a playful lover? Who would say no to its gentle caresses? Don’t feel ashamed, I’ve been with the wind. I know how it is, I know.

Your wind chimes, however, are the worst. I get what you’re going for, but there is nothing zen about how aggressive those things can get in the middle of the night while I’m trying to sleep. They’re arrogant, and I don’t like that they formed a gang with the other neighborhood wind chimes. The main objective of this gang? To vandalize my precious patterns of slumber. Dicks.

I need sleep. Everyone needs sleep. Do you wear earplugs every night or something? Are you hard of hearing? Is it that you were hired to slowly drive me insane?

If so, it’s working.

Sometimes I stand on my porch and stare at your wind chimes, hoping they’ll burst into flames, but instead they just continue to hang there and chinkle away, talking loudly and all at once, yet never actually saying anything.

Tink. Jingle. Chatter. Ching.

They’re mocking me, aren’t they? They’re mocking us all.

Owners of wind chimes, it’s time to take action! Your wind chimes are acting like assholes. I heard they’re even bullying children at school, sexually harassing women in the workplace, robbing men at gunpoint and irresponsibly texting while driving. No one is safe!

My best friend recently met wind chimes at the bar and they acted like they were totally into her but after they slept together, they never even called her again. Wasn’t that so immature of wind chimes? Ugh, and they’re all the same.

You know, I wasn’t even going to have this chat with you, but I saw on the news last night that your wind chimes are rumored to be harboring missiles and were seen hanging out with Robin Thicke for the last 3 weekends in a row. This, my friend, is where I drew the line.

I care for you and I don’t want you to be associated with terrorism and misogyny, you know? You’re better than this. We both know it.

So, I think you know what to do next. Your reputation and my sanity are on the line.

Thank you.

Love,

Lauren

Tags: , ,