Once upon a time there was a 31-year old woman who lived alone in Baltimore City. She didn’t mind living alone because of all the “pants optional” opportunities, but sure, sometimes it did get lonely. And at times? It could even be dangerous.
You shouldn’t fret, though, dear readers, the woman lives to tell her story (and at this very moment she is sans pants and buzzing about in a chocolate chip cookie-induced furor).
One bitter December evening following a late night out with friends, the woman made a risky decision. She should have gone straight to bed because as we all know (or have heard, dad, in case you’re reading this even though I told you not to read my blog) that nothing good ever happens after 2 am.
Which of the many poor possible decisions was made amidst our heroine’s drunken whirlwind laden with the indecent vigor of aggressively good spirits? Did she sprawl out on the floor, call an ex-boyfriend and cry? Negative. That wasn’t really ever her thing, anyway. Did she devour snacks? No. Okay, well maybe some snacks were involved, but that’s not what I’m referring to here, so no–it wasn’t the snacks.
She fought for years not to go down this path, but ultimately the woman surrendered, the way every drunk person someday must, to one of the highest internet gods imaginable: Amazon.
We all know Amazon is a dangerous place at any time of day, but after dark, it becomes especially treacherous terrain. Trouble was not far off, and soon it would be pricking at her and causing mild bloodshed on at least 4 separate occasions because the woman of whom I speak is often rather impatient.
On the next morning, she discovered a confirmation for her forgotten purchase:
and two days later, she received this “awesome collection of 20 unique cactus and succulents” and indeed, no two were alike.
One cactus was chubby and furry and quite deceptive. The woman liked that one the most. She named him Barry. He and all 19 of his little friends are doing well. They don’t all have names because I just don’t have that kind of time. The woman, I mean. The woman doesn’t have that kind of time.
Anyway, the result of this perilous expedition could have been way worse with much greater consequences, but I share this story with you to serve as a cautionary tale–your reminder to go the frick to sleep instead of online shopping.