So, you waited until today to buy your lady a gift and you have no idea what you’re looking for. Naughty. Fortunately, I have a keen eye for all things unique and beautiful, as seen in my award-winning piece about dresses, and I’m about to save your life with this list of perfect gifts for ladies.
1. Grumpy Cat Tank Top
The Grumpy Cat tank top is great for the fashionista in your life. I mean, it’s Grumpy Cat being grumpy and possibly howling at the moon…and it’s a TANK TOP. Women named Julie and Jen will be shocked by its perfection and this summer our jaws will drop when we see all the trendy moms in visors and fanny packs wearing this very tank top over their bathing suits at the water park. You heard it here first!
2. Stix Eyewear (not to be confused with Styx, the band I love)
This is an ideal gift for the gal who wears glasses and often uses chopsticks for food and/or her hair. I guess that is super specific….I don’t know, maybe you’re buying for your best friend who also happens to be a nearsighted geisha spy. If so, this is your lucky day!
3. Heated Snake Rug
Mom won’t be passive aggressively criticizing any of your choices this holiday season after she receives a heated snake rug. You might have to help her get in and out of it because this doesn’t look like an easy process. If you would say your mom isn’t much of a slitherer, a heated blanket may or may not be a better choice.
4. Extremely Classy Duvet
Your girlfriend will love this duvet much more than an engagement ring. I promise. All her friends who recently got engaged will be so jealous when you post it on Facebook! “I want this instead!” they’ll shout at their betrotheds. You best pick out a fancy cape because you, sir, are about to be a hero.
5. Diamond Ice Cube Tray
This is a really good gift for a girlfriend you’ve been with for 8 years or so. The moment she sees it she will need a drink and if she cries, it’s likely because she’s so happy.
6. Shittens
Your wife wants Shittens, trust me. Shittens are disposable mitten-shaped moist wipes. Also, just so we’re clear, they’re for butts.
7. Banana Bunker
A gift for all women everywhere–the Banana Bunker. It’s strictly for bananas. I don’t know a single woman who likes a bruised banana and that’s why this is a great gift. I say buy a pack and give them to coworkers, your sister, your aunt and anyone else who doesn’t like bruised bananas. What a great stocking stuffer!
Aaaaannd last but not least….
8. Wine Rack
Another thing your girlfriend probably wants is a wine rack. Okay, maybe it’s just me that wants this. Someone please buy me this for Christmas. Please? Anyone? I just want to drink wine out of my sports bra already.
As you know, if #1 doesn’t arrive under my tree on Christmas day, I don’t feel like I could continue living. #2 and #7 honestly baffle me. How did someone get funding to produce these things?!
Also, never underestimate a vibrator for the single lady in your life.
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Oh yeah, I guess I forgot vibrator.
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PS – I just left my house and should be arriving to your house with grumpy cat tank top ASAP.
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See you in 28 hours?
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People named Jen and Julie can’t resist #1. It’s so insanely true.
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We need matching shirts. It is decided.
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(Pssst–I actually bought one for Mr. Weebles. So at least one of us will have one.)
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YESSS HE IS GOING TO BE SO HAPPY
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I also got him a personalized Grumpy Cat mug that says “[Mr. Weebles] made me tea once. It was horrible.” I think these will be his favorite gifts.
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WHAT?! Amazing.
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It’s going to be a very Grumpy Christmas in the Weebles household. It’s going to be SPLENDID.
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Shittens – best idea ever. And Banana Bunker sounds like a euphemism for vagina.
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I didn’t even think about that.
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Bwahahaha!
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Wow! These almost make me wish I had a boyfriend. *jokepout*
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Sounds like someone needs a wine rack!
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Does the snake blanket have an optional “crush your victim to death” feature? Because then it would be pretty cool.
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Not sure, my mom is more into the basic heated blanket. You should write them and ask.😉
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And to think I gave donations in peoples names to charities that fight cuticles.
Once again, I’ve wasted my holiday dollars.
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Well, cuticles are a pretty serious issue and they really need our support, so I understand why you did it. Such a big heart you have, El Guapo.
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I want to shake the hand of the twisted soul who invented the Shitten. Provided that his or her hand was not Shittened at the time of aforementioned handshake.
I don’t know if I can say anything about #1 that hasn’t already been said. All Hail Grumpy Cat!! Truthfully, I like some of these gifts for realz. Namely #1, #4 (which is so silly it’s funny), #5, and #6.
But I was really disappointed when I realized that the Banana Bunker wasn’t a really awesome vibrator. I was all, “Oh. You just put a banana in it.”
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Mr. Weebles is going to have the best Christmas out of everyone I know.
They should make a dual purpose banana protector/vibrator. People need that.
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I say we start drawing up plans for this invention right now.
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I happen to have a lot of time on hands this week. I’m on it, Skype project progress meeting on Thursday!
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*adding to Thursday’s schedule*
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You may have just saved my holiday LaLa. Thank you for sharing your research with us.🙂
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No problem, let me know what you end up with!😉
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I can’t stop laughing over ‘Shittens.’ Let’s just hope I don’t laugh so hard that I’ll eventually need them…
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Well it wooould be convenient. I kind of want to try it!
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Why is it that every single one of those sounds like a great idea to me? Especially the banana vibrator. I know a lot of bananas that need some vibration.
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I know what you’re getting for Christmas!
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Yikes.
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You forgot to mention that the banana bunkers EXPAND as needed.
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Because all bananas are different!
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My first two wives were strangled on Christmas day by their heated snake rugs. I hate heated snake rugs so much, I wear heated snake rug skinned boots.
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Heated snake rugs are the real terrorists!!
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I was at a party and someone started talking about Shittens, and some people didnt believe they actually existed.
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I didn’t believe it. But it’s true, they are a thing and that’s funny.
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#6: What, was ‘Shove’ already taken? Seems like a shit glove would be more proficient at shit cleaning than a shit mitten. I’m just saying. Why am I even thinking about this? I’m just gonna go now.
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I think we should be the competitors with Shove, what do you say?
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Yes! I like this idea. ‘Nobody should shit without a Shove.’.
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You are cracking me up with this list. Sign me up for Grumpy and the wine rack! Ha ha. Got to love the banana bunker, is it? My my…I’m sure they’re are many relieved guys out there, thanks to you! Merry Christmas, La La.
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Very many, I’m sure of it! xoxoxo
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OK, I was going to say nobody better EVER buy me anything from this list – I’d prefer a good, old=fashioned boisterous or mellow visit instead of a gift… But then I saw the rack. I too would love one of those right now as I cook dinner. Hands free! You could be a Personal Shopper LaLa!
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Cat shirts for cat people
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I like to think we are gifted with one idea each in our lives. Pity then the poor fuckers who dreamt these up. “What did you do in the war Daddy?” “Well son, never again will we fear having to eat bruised bananas.” And like everybody else the Shitten, no doubt in handy travel bag, banishes cling ons forever and means I can throw away my trusty old ice scraper. Have a great Christmas and thanks for the laughs!
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Aw, I hope you have a very merry one, too!
I’m not sure I’ll ever have a gifted idea. If so, I’m hoping it pops into my head soon though. Let’s hope it has nothing to do with bananas or wiping an ass.😉
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Now that would be a shame!
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I seriously need the banana bunker. I can’t tell you how much I struggle with bananas. (This sounds like an elaborate innuendo, but unfortunately, I’m just really unlucky with bananas.)
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There’s a banana support group I heard about…wait, let me find the number.
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I think most of the products were thought of while the inventors were drinking a little too much out of their sports bras. Still, I’ll bet there is that one quirky couple that has that duvet in their guest bedroom.
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I saw the wine rack on an episode of the Mindy Project. The wine ran out quick though, and she wished at the end that she’d gotten the Long Island Iced Tea Panties….
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There’s panties for that? Oh my god I hope it’s true. I haven’t seen the show, I’ll have to check it out!😉
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I can’t personally vouch for the panties but if they aren’t a real product, they should be!
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Oh my gosh! I want them all!!! Too funny!
Who wouldn’t want the wine rack? I mean, jogging while getting tipsy?! Talk about multi-tasking….Sounds like the best work out ever.
Oh and Shittens?! Poop IS gross. Trust me, I change diapers for a living….
Thanks for the laugh!
Have a great new year,
Lindsey
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Same to you! (Lindsey adds Shittens and the wine rack to her list for next year while imagining how they will make her job so much easier).😉
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Oh my gosh! I kept thinking “I’m going to comment on that one” and then “oh, no, that’s one’s better” and then on and on the whole time I was reading– these are AMAZING. Favorites are still going to have to be the nudey duvet cover and the wine rack– HOLY HELL for real… are these on amazon?! I have so many friends who need these. What a great way to go out and get your drunk on without breaking the bank. Plus a little extra lift.
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I know, the extra lift! I just checked and it’s on Amazon AND in stock. It’s your lucky day!! http://www.amazon.com/The-WineRack-200-008-Wine-Medium/dp/B001FYZZI2
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And only $30, that’s a steal of a deal!
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These are amazing! My favorite is the shittens just because I’m so grossed out by it haha. The heated snake wrappy thing is also a favorite because I have no idea. Just because.
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Lol that was totally hilarious post😛 I don’t know how can you make people laugh, I feel it like the toughest task😛 I was in depression right now and reading your posts my laughter burst out loud😀 You are lovely and see we have matching names , you just have a space more😉 Love your blog xx
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And your comment, in turn, made me smile when I was feeling down. Thank you Lala, minus the space.🙂 You’re very sweet!
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Not more than you, gorgeous🙂 I feel so good to see my ‘with space’ version😛
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